Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

100 percent correct

So what are you going to do?

I can see that you can’t really prevent your dh from taking your youngest to the wedding as she is his daughter too.

But what are you going to do beyond that? I don’t think I could get past it.

Except @Kitkat1982 that when they divorce, his family likely won't see his stepchild, but will likely see his biological DD, so there is a difference.

You cant force someone else to view a DC they are not biologically related to in the same way as a blood relative.

It's not about how the adults in this scenario personally do or do not view things. It's about making a child feel loved, wanted, included and secure. It's the kind way to behave. What may or may not happen after a hypothetical divorce is irrelevant.

But isn't that the point, DHs family and brother in particular don't view the eldest as anything to do with them so don't really care about her being loved and wanted. The bride didn't even know she existed to start with and the brother doesn't bother with either of the kids including the one who is his is blood niece. They are not particularly close and will not be after the wedding.

Op how old is your eldest?

Yes, that is the point indeed! DH's family and brother are dicks!

He is not dead, we don’t know why he doesn’t see her.

No, it is indeed about the adults in this scenario, given that it’s their wedding. They’ve invited their two nieces to be flower girls, that’s it. As much as OP and some mumsnetters might consider them obliged to make no distinction between a blood relative and a step relative, they’re not. The two daughters may be sisters, but they don’t have all the same family members in common, or the same relationships with said family members.

Trying to force people to subscribe to the worldview that blended families must be considered exactly the same as nuclear ones clearly doesn’t, and isn’t, going to work. No matter how many time you want to call those that disagree with you dicks.

I agree @InterIgnis. It's the Ops job to make her DC feel loved & secure & explaining the situation, in a kind way, would have been the best way to do that. Not threatening her DH with divorce.

I am reeling At the posters on this thread who would divorce over a wedding invitation. It's cretinous behaviour. There's man a man deserves to be divorced but this is plain ridiculous. OP - i strongly urge you to catch yourself on - there are greater hills to die on than this, you risk divorce at worst, alienating your in laws at best and then where will you and your much protected 10 year old be when she doesn't even have slightly involved steps to visit while they fuss over your other DD- it's a bigger picture issue

@InterIgnis they should still have talked to the op about this first. That would have given her the chance to carry out her responsibility by saying it wouldn't work in their family dynamics.

It isn't on to force people into your worldview about blended families but I think if you don't consider the feelings of children you are not a very nice person.

Why OP, as opposed to her husband? Why is it up to OP to decide what the family dynamics are for the rest of her family? Her youngest is entitled to a relationship with her paternal family outside of her sister, and without OP being the supreme authority over all

By ‘consider’, you clearly mean prioritize above any other consideration. Again, that very obviously isn’t going to happen. As far as not being a nice person goes? Meh 🤷🏻‍♀️ depends on who you ask. Some people like me as a person, some people don’t. I can’t say that worries me.

Exactly what I thought. She isn't the only child being excluded. And she wants to divorce her husband over someone else's child free wedding... she sounds slightly entitled here. People get so silly over weddings.

This.

I'm not suggesting anyone is forced to subscribe to any worldview. I am suggesting that people should consider the feelings of children and that people who deliberately exclude a child are not nice people.

Whether it was the OP or her DH consulted the outcome should have been the same because they are a family unit, unless of course they're not, which is the OP's entire point.

You cant force someone else to view a DC they are not biologically related to in the same way as a blood relative

With all respect, so fucking what?

You can't force parents to love each of their own biological children the same, but you sure can judge them to high Hell if they don't treat all of their kids the same, and do their best to hide their feelings from them.

And you sure as hell can judge people for not treating the kids in OPs family the same, regardless of their root into that family. Just like you can judge those who don't treat an adopted child the same as a biological child.

And the common thread through all this is that decent adults prioritise how it feels to the child over the adult's feelings.

There’s lot of people excluded - it’s a small wedding. There’s probably plenty of other family members also excluded. They haven’t prioritized this one child at their wedding. Oh well. I’m sure they’ll be heartbroken to discover you don’t think consider them to be nice people.

What ‘they’re a family unit’ even mean in this context? Because family units operate in many different ways, clearly.

I know it's pretty mean considering the fact it's a child we are talking about but you can't make relatives accept step children. I can't expect dps brother to invite my DD's to his wedding, meanwhile I don't expect my DD's to invite my dps family to their events. Yes we are all older so no childcare situations, but the same scenario currently exists for us.

My DD's aren't even obliged to have a relationship with their soon to be stepsisters if they choose not to, my choice doesn't make other have relationships.

Ps in my case everyone has been invited without distinction of relationship, and dd has invited her step sister!

Um, no he's not.

I am noticing on your posts across threads that you have a tendency to the personal and hyperbole. It doesn’t really help your arguments.

"Family unit" in this context means they live together under one roof as a family - two parents and two children. And have done for at least five years, so since older child was five years old.

Older child is upset at being the only one out of her family of four (as she understandably sees it) excluded - and people think that's fine and her feelings are unimportant, entitled even, because only the bride and groom matter in a wedding and to hell with everyone else.

Yes, they may all live under the same roof, but they don’t all have the same family members in common, or the same relationships with said family members. They aren’t required to do everything as one unit.

I don’t think the daughter is necessarily entitled, but I do think her mother and stepfather needs to help her manage her expectations. Her stepfather’s family don’t consider her to be a niece/granddaughter in the same way they do her sister, and OP wanting them to isn’t going to change this.

It's really sad though for any 10 year old to be faced with the reality that the only father and extended family they see, don't actually think of her as family at all!
I'd forget the b&g - they are rude and have no class, but that can you do? The real issue here is a dad who has made all these big promises but when push came to shove, doesn't really mean any of them.
If I was OP I'd feel I'd been sold a pup.