Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

I think you have let both children down in this scenario. Your youngest is learning how toxic families work, and inter family bullying and exclusion is acceptable. Sowing the seeds for the next generation. Your older child, well the damage is now done.

And your dh - wow what a scumbag. He does not have your back, and now he has got away with downgrading you and your child, without any issues, expect more of the same. Only worse.

What a disappointing update.

This!

Do you think the best man is an invited guest? Or is he part of the actual bridal party with a job to do.

No children are invited. Two littlest children are in the bridal party. All remaining children are not invited.

If you can't grasp even the most simple concept, there's not a lot anyone else can do about it.

Describing a child free wedding as child abuse remains disgusting.

"No children are invited. Two littlest children are in the bridal party. All remaining children are not invited."

We know.

The original plan was for the best man, his wife and the DD2 by blood to be invited. The SDD1 was to be left at home with somebody.

So she gets to sit at home whilst everyone else attends a party, this also goes for the 14 year old SD, but I doubt there's much sympathy for her as her step mother is hardly going to stick up for her, as it's not her real daughter and sounds like she's cut from the same cloth.

Every other adult invited will not be affected by their children not going but for these two children they will have to wave their step siblings and parents off for the day.

It stinks.
Saying they're in the bridal party makes no difference whatsoever, who cares, who gives a shit, it's a wedding, these people are not special. So you think a wedding gives someone the right to be cruel, those children will be heartbroken, even if you believe they won't be.

More heartbroken than if the stupid bride didn't have flower girls.

You are a family and either no kids or invited or both are. Absolutely wouldn’t letting the youngest one be a flower girl whilst your eldest is completely ignored.

I also think if you do not allow your youngest to be a flower girl and give the reasons for this, it sends a clear message to the other flower girls parents that it is unkind.

The poor 14 year old SD will see that others understand her point of view and empathise with her.

The adults in all of this are vile, I'd never have anything to do with that family again.

These people are awful. Your daughter aside, SIL not inviting her sisters stepdaughter whose own mother died is absolutely terrible. I would never forgive her if that was my sister.

On principle they should invite child as she is family regardless of parentage. I agree with you if she doesn't go neither should you or younger sibling who is flower girl. Do they have any idea how this will affect her ? 14 or not she is a child she didn't pick her parents and if he had of stepped up he would have told the family that she is family and that if she isn't going neither is anyone else!!!!!

It's conquer lol, concur means to agree!!

Your idea here is a massive stretch ... details like hubby isn't an Invited guest he has a role in the wedding and he has a job to do. Why are you breaking this down into the most ridiculous points, even if you have a job to do at the wedding or not who cares , hes still going to the wedding.

Late to this thread. But your children are not the same. They are fundamentally different ~ they have different fathers.

If your first child’s father was more involved and wanted to take them on holiday, would you say no so your youngest didn’t miss out? Or if the GPs wanted to leave her a large inheritance would you turn it down so as not to disadvantage the younger?

You’re asking your DH’s family to be a surrogate family but it’s not their fault her own family isn’t involved.

Your children will take their cue from you. You could have used it as an opportunity to talk about their situation and just normalise it. By making a big deal, you’ve made it a big deal for your older child. As for those saying you shouldn’t participate in the flower girl situation, way to upset your 5 year old and make her feel sad that she can’t enjoy the moment. And you don’t own her ~ her dad has a say too. If you get divorced you’ll have absolutely no say.

You could have easily explained to the ten year old about different families, the fact that other steps are not included and the whys and wherefores. But you’ve chosen to make a drama. You’re already estranged from first child’s family ~ is that what you want for your second child too?

I wouldn’t go to the wedding (although again if your child had stronger paternal links it would be quite acceptable for them to go to their other family for the day) but I would engage with the flower girl situation, encourage your eldest to celebrate her little sister and see whether you can go to the church to see her. Then do something fun and positive together. But above all, model positive relationships and lead by example.

I'm shocked by the number of people who think it's OK to exclude a 10-year old from a family event - and even paint the 10-year old as entitled for being upset about it, rather than the actual adult bride and groom as entitled for behaving that way because "it's their wedding, their choice" or some other such selfish notion!

In my day (married 25 years ago) people made small compromises to keep their guests happy. It’s called getting married off on the right foot. PIL are happy, your parents are happy, and extended family get to see what a lovely, caring, family orientated person you are. It’s a reflection of you and your character.

Today all I see is narcissistic behaviour. I went to a wedding recently. Afterwards they told me it went amazingly and was everything they wanted. Really!!!! Because from what I remember, the brides mother was in tears due to how her relatives were treated before and during the wedding. Everyone is still pissed off with them due to the amount it cost us all, and the inconvenience it involved. We’ve all decided they are self centred and absorbed people and we don’t want to hang out with them.

If you don’t make your wedding an inclusive affair, by making small compromises, that mean a big deal to your guests and family, you will reap what you sow. Everyone will remember how they saw your true colours on your wedding day.

Absolutely this.

Choose your child. Every single time. Do not go to the wedding but advise DH he is welcome to take DD on condition he look after her and all that entails. Do not offer to pick her up etc etc

however, this if not the beginning of the end for your marriage, should act as a warning. Start preparing for possible break.

DD1's dad is dead....maybe you can explain how he could be more involved?

Or you could read the thread?

no he is absent, the grandfather is dead and her grandmother is grieving so mum hasn’t been facilitating contact as “she cries”

“Eldest’s dad does not see her, his father died during the pandemic not of Covid though. Nobody told us for a year. Eldest’s gran can’t stop crying on the odd time she has seen her so I had to stop the visits.” @babybons

Of COURSE you can stop him from taking your daughter! You're the MOTHER.

THEIR daughter
HE is the FATHER

Or does that not count?

I think you’re the one that needs to read the thread. Embarrassing.

This is what I would do. 100 %
I would let it go, I would say no more. I would save money by, I would put plans in place.
Then, the day before the wedding I would leave a note, saying it all, I would include in the note that you have left and will be filing for divorce.
I would take my kids, get on a plane for a weeks holiday and put my phone in the safe turned off, after posting on SM that you have left your husband as you thought you were a family of 4, but it turns out that he thought you were a family of 3 and you will be the advocates for both your kids if he can o ly advocate for 1.
I absolutely would do this.

It is a fair point about the eldest’s father not being involved. It’s amplifying the pressure on the DH and his family to replace this role. The bulk of the pressure should be on the DF who doesn’t do anything. If the eldest regularly saw their father, it would be a simpler situation to explain; DSis is spending time with her DF and his family at the wedding, same as you spend time with your DF and his family.

This whole thread would be different if it was step child who was only present for half a week etc and had another involved family. Then I can see why the kids would maybe be treated differently.

In this case, to all extent and purposes, dh is older dds dad.
There is no excuse, for dh not to make it clear you are a family of four. I would massively resent dh.

I wouldn't go. You stand up for all your children. She is excluding your child and its very obviously because they don't view your oldest as part of their family coming from a different father. I would put my foot down and would pull my youngest out of wedding plans if it was me, and I would tell her either both my children come to the wedding or none of us come it is up to you. They are blatantly being prejudice against your daughter because of the fact she has a different dad and its utterly disgusting. I would be fuming too. Don't go to the wedding and pull your little girl out of it.

To the people making out including a 10-year old in family events is so very much pressure, can you please explain why it's so much of a burden? If she were the DH's biological child she'd just be included without question, so all this comes down to is choosing to exclude a child for the crime of having different genetics. And the people who are fine with that are awful people. It's that simple.

If its causing a lot of contention between you and your husband then he can go with your youngest and you and your oldest can go and have a lovely day out somewhere. That way you are still giving them the middle finger because you have refused to go without your oldest. I couldn't ever imagine being invited to a wedding and attending knowing one of my children was excluded and I'm sure you can't either so to save any issues in your marriage, let him go with youngest to be flower girl and you go and have a mother daughter day out with your oldest :)