Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

Well I don't understand that attitude at all, but hey-ho

However, in the OP's case her DH lives with her child full-time. So I would be surprised that his family didn't acknowledge that

It’s not a attitude, SC just don’t come up in convo. I talk about my kids… it’s pretty normal.

Yanbu and at the very least I'd not go, give them all the honest reason why and stay at home with your older daughter.

I have a step- nephew and it would be ridiculous not to invite him to a wedding but invite his mum, stepdad and sister. They live together as a family of 4.

She doesn't have to be a flower girl - she's older for a start

But who is she supposed to be left with on the wedding day? We have no idea if anyone can have her

Agree with @Newchapterbeckons

I've seen this kind of treatment meted out to step children in real life, and I hope the person responsible for it will get a suitable reward.

It is cruel.

All this craziness around weddings comes down to people booking packages per year they can't really afford. How about people book things they can afford to pay for their guests families!

Eldest’s dad does not see her, his father died during the pandemic not of Covid though. Nobody told us for a year.

I'm so sorry .
This is exceptionally cruel to do this to a child who had to experience this. Yes I would be prepared to leave your dh over this. His hands are not tied at all- he is choosing to please his family because Deep down he sees their point, which means he sees your dd not in the way he has portrayed. This is a child who he lives with ALL the time, she doesn't go to her own father, and he thinks it's ok to be on the fence to that child? Not ok at all.

They are… they don’t see steps are family

If someone I've met asks me how many children I have then no I don't because they aren't my children. It may later come up in conversation but I don't include them in the general response to someone asking me if I have any kids no.

Same. I'd never expect my parents for example to ever really bring up DSC, certainly not when being asked how many grandchildren they have.

My wider family has even less reason than I do to randomly bring up my DSC in conversation with other people.

But don't they come up within the family?

Not really, no. Maybe a ‘how are the girls’ in passing. ‘Fine, thanks’ - that’s it. I would use their contact weekends to see my family, neither have spent much time together.

That’s odd , I always say I have 3 children and me and hubby have 5 in total . I also speak about my step kids often about their achievements, their quirks and if I remember something that can be related to them .

I don't think it's odd. I don't consider them my children so I wouldn't include them in my answer. As I say they may come up in other conversations but not just simply being asked if I have any DC.

But don't they come up within the family?

Occasionally perhaps...not frequently though no.

Same. My step child isn’t my child. If someone asks how many kids I have I answer with how many kids I actually have!

I always say I have three children, because I do. The fact that one is step is irrelevant, he is still one my children and has been so for 15 years. Our three children have grown up together and are treated equally by everyone- including things like inheritance. Anything else would be really divisive and unkind and would not respect our reality as a family unit

So you're going to give in, and LET your eldest be treated like that. Why did you even bother to ask us for advice, then? Of COURSE you can stop him from taking your daughter! You're the MOTHER. You just take her away on a trip to your parents the night before. EASY! But you just can't be bothered to do what you need to do as a mother. You refuse to take a stand and let your eldest daughter know you are a family. Instead, you've shown her you'll roll over and won't stand up for her. I feel sorry for her, and disgusted in you.

So you think the 5 year old should miss out?

its a very difficult situation where you can’t win either way.

This is a disgusting POST.
He's her FATHER.
It's her FAMILY.
OP is being a good MOTHER by not ruining this for her younger CHILD and doesn't need to be CAPITALISED by the likes of YOU.

That's good for you. I don't consider mine my children so I don't mention them when asked about my children. Each to their own and all that.

Don't be so ridiculous

So children ARE invited! They have manipulated it to exclude the step children.

Wtat about the Easter eggs? Pitiful.
I can’t engage with someone that supports the abuse and harm of children, not on here and not in real life.

Hello,
I certainly can understand your upset and treatment of your excluded daughter.

I would simply let your husband and youngest daughter go with your blessing and and say have a lovely day with your family.

Then book you and your eldest into a spa and swimming day or afternoon tea and have some mum and daughter time out.

I would explain onky if asked and then be honest and say if someone excludes my daughter then they exclude me.

If i was a stepmum and someone asked if i had kids...id say 2 of my own and 2 stepkids etc...first thing id say. Theyd all be treated equally too...the worst thing is segregating kids and favouritism...heartbreaking for kids

‘If i was a stepmum’

But you aren’t so you have no idea