Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

When my husband's parents met me and my two DDs (from a previous marriage) for the first time my older DD and I got a hug and a warm hello, and the younger Dd ( just 3 at the time) got picked up and cuddled.

They treated us as as family from the start, with no reservations, and have never treated my DC any different from their natural/ bio GCs.

As a result, now in their 90s and in a care home, they have had a much larger family dropping in on them and looking out for them over the years. They are deservedly well loved.

Some people, though, are just mean.

I am horrified at the number of pp that would be okay with the abuse of a ten year old. I can only imagine they are mostly nasty step parents justifying their own actions.

Grow up. It's not abuse to not invite a 10 year old to basically a child free wedding or to be a flower girl, especially when that 10 year old is not actually related to the groom or bride.

To class it as abuse is utter madness. It's just an invite to a wedding.

It's life that not everyone is included all the time. Children learn that from birthday parties of their classmates early on. Pretending to a child that they have an absolute entitlement to be invited to events that you are not in charge of isn't a good life lesson.

None of the other older children are being invited either. It's only two little flower girls. @wordler @WillYouPutYourCoatOn summarised it here.

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · Yesterday 19:39

But sisters aren't being separated. No older children are invited as guests. Two tiny children have been asked to be flower girls in the bridal party.

One of the flower girls happens to have an older sister. This doesn't change that no older children (7 in total) are invited. It would be very different if any of those were going, because then there would be a like for like exclusion.

Don't get me wrong, I'd think it was a choice that is guaranteed to ruffle feathers. But, it's not choosing one daughter over another. Members of the bridal party aren't guests/invitees. No older children have been invited. You have to ignore the fact they are sisters because that's got nothing to do with the reason one's potentially going and one isn't.
Show quote history
Where are you getting 7 children from?

The OP has mentioned

Her kids
DD7 - niece of the Groom - invited
DD10 - step niece of Groom - not invited

Bride’s sister’s daughter (7?) - invited
Bride’s sister’s stepdaughter 14 - not invited
Bride’s sister’s stepson 30s (plus partner and baby) - not invited
Bride’s sister’s stepson 30s (plus partner) - not invited

It's strange that ppl do this but not strange as in not common, lots of ppl act this way towards step children in families ( that said lots dont act this way as well) and I don't think they hate the child, they have no reason to hate the child, they are just selfish thoughtless people!

Unfortunately, your in-laws are people with their heads so up their own arses, that they do not see that their actions have consequences. Your DD is hurt at being excluded and not treated like a family member. That is a big deal to a young child.

I don't think there is a lot you can do about it TBH as your DH is a wet blanket. He should take his DB aside and tell him, "DB she's my DD now. I'm her dad, and it is brutal not to include her in the wedding. It is going to cause WW3 in my marriage". If he's not close enough to say this, he shouldn't be a best man.

I think you have no other option but to send your DD and your DH. I'd then take my DD out to do something amazing, just the 2 of you, for the whole weekend,. out your family pot.

Your in-laws have shown you that they are lacking in empathy and compassion for the people around them. They are unable, or unwilling to think through the consequences of their actions on other's feelings. They have told you that your DD is not family.

What I would be doing from now on is not putting your eldest DD in the way of any of them. Any DC your BIL has, are not your concern. His mum, BIL and new SIL should be of no concern to you now. Don't accept any invitations and leave it all to your DH. He may take your youngest over there a bit, but I bet they miss out on a lot because you will no longer be facilitating it.

Wow. That hit a nerve with you. I disagree the deliberate exclusion of a child is a form of abuse - of course it is - choosing to exclude her from Easter eggs, weddings etc. I just would not stand for it.

Children should never be expected to get used to adult bullying at any level.

Anyone that supports it is a disgrace.

If he's not close enough to say this, he shouldn't be a best man.

I’d be really hurt if he wasn’t willing to have the uncomfortable but quick conversation with his brother, someone close enough to be his best man, to prevent the long term hurt of your DD tbh OP. That speaks volumes if you ask me. I am truly all for “Your wedding, your wishes” but fucking hell this crosses a line. Inviting her to be in the congregation is an action so small in the grand scheme of things. I almost think they’ll know they’ll create animosity.

@Newchapterbeckons

Wow. That hit a nerve with you. I disagree the deliberate exclusion of a child is a form of abuse - of course it is - choosing to exclude her from Easter eggs, weddings etc. I just would not stand for it.

Too right it hit a nerve. The trouble with exaggerating and calling something abuse when it isn't, is that when you actually have abuse you have nowhere further to go.

It's pretty sick to call this abuse actually when children every day are traumatised by being beaten, sexually abused and vilely verbally abused. Do you not see how trying to elevate a non-invite to a wedding to the level of abuse trivialises the word and overuses so that it loses its real meaning and impact when it really really matters?

@BackITD You clearly have your own issues (many it seems) This is about excluding one child from a family of four.

It is cruel to not allow her to attend because she has a different dad. She loves her step dad and thinks she's in a loving family unit. She feels loved and equal.

Now she is a secondary family member. She's not even worthy of a meal? The other children are adults, no one is leaving them out. (excluding the 14 year old, that's also mean and nasty)

Abuse can come in many forms, it doesn't have to be sexual or violent. A lifetime of subtle put downs, getting less, being excluded...that is abusive.

You really don’t seem to have a grasp on emotional abuse. Have you got any idea how many adults battling with poor mental health and low self worth due to one child being favoured over another? I have to imagine you are being goady. As there is no other answer for your lack of EIQ

I'm shocked by the number of people who think it's OK to exclude a 10-year old from a family event - and even paint the 10-year old as entitled for being upset about it, rather than the actual adult bride and groom as entitled for behaving that way because "it's their wedding, their choice" or some other such selfish notion! People who think that way are horrid and I couldn't be around them.

Yanbu.

If eldest was his bio she wouldnt be excluded. It's that simple.

I wouldnt stand for the wedge between sisters that will develop. Eldest feels rejected by a man who has chosen to let her see him as a father figure. Horrible.

You really don’t seem to have a grasp on emotional abuse. Have you got any idea how many adults battling with poor mental health and low self worth due to one child being favoured over another? I have to imagine you are being goady. As there is no other answer for your lack of EIQ

I am not being goady and you are absolutely overstating this. Every single child in the universe with siblings will have had numerous experiences of believing that their sibling has been preferred or favoured about something at some point in their life. It's just family life. It's part of sibling rivalry. It's part of life that we are all favoured or not favoured for one thing and another. That is not at all the same as truly abused that causes someone "to battle with poor mental health and low self worth".

This is absolutely not a parent saying to a child 'right you are better than your sister so you can have the pony and the other one can clean the hearth". That is favouristism that might legitimately be called abuse. This just doesn't come close.

Have you not seen that none of the other non-flower girl children or step children are being invited to this wedding?

It is just not abusive. Making a big deal about it may very well affect someone more than the fact that you are not 5 years old and chosen to be a flower girl when small children are being selected. Someone above posted a perfect script of how to explain it - actually explain the truth of it without lying - in a way that doesn't need to cause some hand wringing emotional abuse situation.

Of course it would be nicer for that child to be included as a flower girl if they are keen, I'm not saying it wouldnt' be but it just isn't emotionally abusive and I stand by what I said. Abusing the word abuse degrades that word for when it is really needed.

I'd be questioning your handle on EIQ rather than attacking mine.

D’ya ever think people on here bickering about nonsense are just as bad as the people out there who’ve time to be making a hullabaloo about somebody else’s wedding choices… seriously this is all very minor and largely due to mismanagement and over emotive responses in adults… no need to escalate it into a bigger deal than it is….

Meanwhile, in another part of the universe a woman is complaining that she, her husband and their 20-y-o child have all been invited to a wedding, but each them to different parts of it. Husband to everything, wife to ceremony and evening do but not the wedding breakfast, and the child to just the evening do.

The consensus is that this is thoughtless, rude, disrespectful of their family unity, batshittery and that they just should not go.

Strange.

@BackITD
This is absolutely not a parent saying to a child 'right you are better than your sister so you can have the pony and the other one can clean the hearth". That is favouristism that might legitimately be called abuse. This just doesn't come close.
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This is dad (her only dad) one who she loves and who claims to love her. Her world, her family.
Her dad is happy for his biological child to be the chosen flower girl, the special child. His step child isn't even worthy of an invite.

One gets to be princess for the day, the other can stay at home, she's not good enough to be present.
The entire family is invited but not DD1.

I'd say that's a cinderella moment!!! That's what the entire story was based on!!

I agree up to a point...but what about next time?
I wouldn't accept it...DH Needs to tackle this..his family. If he didn't...it certainly be divorce for me...it shows that hes cowardly...ok to upset wife and DSD but not his family.

So now having a child free wedding, is child abuse.

Because that's all this is. A child free wedding. Hence the children are "excluded."

Damn. There's a lot of "abusive" weddings I've been too then.

As PP says, grow up.

I would plan a weekend away something fun and different.

How would it go if you asked your youngest to chose which she wanted to go to? Would she cheerfully chose which one to go to or would she worry and overthink it?

Except they DO have children attending - just bio children only.

Do you mean the two little ones who are in the bridal party as flower girls. (Yes, you do.)

These aren't invited guests. No children are invited. Two small children are in the bridal party. Zero children are on any invites.

Please don't ever try and twist a kid not being invited to a child free wedding (like the other 6 also not invited) as child abuse. It's fucking disgusting. You didn't "hit a nerve" with what you think was your clever response to PP. You disgusted them.

So you never mention your stepchildren?

I don’t at first either. It might come up in conversation at some point, but it’s not something I offer up much tbh (unless it’s family on his side etc)

It is abusive, if it is part of a pattern of behavior. Only the OP can really judge that.

I don’t mention my step child either.

I say I have 2 kids, I have a new job recently and I haven’t mentioned her yet as I haven’t had a need.

Id certainly never expect my brother to mention my step child to anyone he was seeing.

Worlds gone mad…. Abusive?! No wonder so many people are so fragile now when not being invited to a wedding is abusive.