Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

I don't think it would be damaging at all for a 10-y-o to be told "I'm not putting up with them treating you like that".

Far more damaging would be subjecting the poor child to another 8 years of low-grade humiliations and snubs until, at 18, she votes with her feet the the OP and her DH end up wondering why she never comes home for Christmas any more.

So he has taken on a 10 year old kid as his own and done his best to treat them equally with his own child and that is described as "the easy parts".

My guess is he will also have a lot of "easy parts" ahead having to help co-parent a teenager.

But on the one occasion he can't help because it is someone else's day and their decision, does that mean all the years worth of effort as a step parent should be discounted ?

Sounds awfully harsh to me.

Regardless anyway my point was that I don't know why OP is surprised. He has very clearly never seen her as equal to his niece, even going back years to the whole egg situation or the day out. He doesn't see her as his niece or clearly anything to really do with him.

Whether you agree or not it's clearly how he's always been.

I don't know anyone who has a crystal ball.

I do know (the MN boards are full of them) women who marry a good, kind, lovely man who, as soon as the ring is on, revert. Sounds like what happened here - DH all big on the blended-family, look-at-me-taking-on-this-responsibility talk until he's asked to walk the walk.

And regardless of what the 10-y-o thinks, she'll have less reason to think badly of her mother if her mother recognises the mistake and remedies it.

I really wouldn't break your family up over this. if your DH has truly been a good father to your daughter, then that's what counts.

Your DD needs to know that you are very unhappy with SIL's decision, accept that your DH will take your younger DD to the wedding where she will be a flower girl, and you and elder DD go for a lovely treat somewhere - a day away, a weekend break, whatever you think will make up for it.

But breaking up your marriage will hurt her a lot more than not being a flower girl.

To be fair, the OP in her second paragraph says.

"BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!"

It's right there that even the OP knows that her eldest isn't his niece.

Fair enough. Presumably MIL has already agreed to prioritise being the sole carer for the day , and set aside her own plans to dance/ drink/ socialise/ stay up for the full reception so that she can babysit a 4yo with an early evening bedtime.

You all must have a lot of faith in the confidence of a 4 year old to happily spend a day and night in an unfamiliar situation, with neither parent available. What are your husband’s plans for making sure your daughter has food and drink at sensible times, and something to do during the interminable waiting around , and changes of clothes? I’d be incandescent if my husband starting laying down the law about DD’s attendance and then expected me to do any of the prep.

Really?

I mean OP has clearly been with her husband a while and the examples we have are an Easter egg from 3 years ago, a day out that neither child ended up going on, a savings account that presumably the elder DD doesn't even know exists and a wedding.

Would it really be less damaging to end the relationship over this with the man this girl considers as like a father and who OP says herself treats her as his own? Just because once every now and then his wider family are a bit shit (in your opinion).

Breaking up her family, seeing her sister less, potentially never seeing her father figure again unless he wants to and OP allows it because obviously he doesn't actually have any parental rights?

Well yes. So I'm unsure why it's surprising then that she isn't treated as a niece.

I don't think you are wrong, OP. The instinct to protect your child is very strong, and this must be very difficult for you.

The only advice I have is to not make any decisions right now. Let the heat die down, and think really hard about how you want to move forward. I can see how something like this would really change how you see somebody, and he is coming across as a bit feeble, but this might be something you can work through together in time.

I'd send DH and youngest, you and eldest plan and have a special day of your own, and that would pretty much for me be the end of you and eldest having a relationship with DH's family. Dh can take youngest and do all that with them. In the long run, that might be easier to manage without the two sisters having their relationship affected, than it would for eldest to be around the family as cinderella.

@PapaIndigoTangoAlpha

That's one the OP has to work out for herself, now that this family spat has caused a fissure. But holding off on taking a girl out of a toxic situation ( if that is what the OP decides it is - you and I can't know from the level of detail provided her) because it might traumatise the child more than staying in that situation is rather on odd take.

But then this is stepparentand.

You came as a package deal. If she isn't part of their family then neither are you and therefore you DD2 doesn't have to go.

There's a lot of posters acting like DD2 "belongs" solely to OP and that DH doesn't have a say in what HIS daughter does....

That's not the same, if the eldest was invited to a wedding on her dads side, her mum and her new partner wouldn't be invited so the younger one would have no reason to care, in this post all the family are invited to the wedding but not the eldest.

@KeenHiker you said "MiL and FiL are always nice to eldest but save for youngest, when I found this out I asked how much as I wanted to match it myself for eldest but they refused to tell me."

I just couldn't live in a family like that. It is really sad that they have not accepted your DD into their family. Have they accepted you?

I feel so sorry for your DD. No one should feel left out in a family.

Honestly there's nothing you can do. I would leave husband to take the youngest to the wedding. Do they realise that by excluding your eldest, that you cannot attend? What have they said about that? I'd end all future contact with them. Husband is free to take the youngest any time.

I think that playing the age card s quite a good idea - yo need to reinforce that by doing something special with your eldest when the wedding is on that her sister is "too young" for. If you could go away somewhere nice that would be even better

Yes this is really really sad. I lived with my aunt and uncle for a bit, in my late teens, when my parents were too toxic to live with and my non-biological aunt (cousins' mum) took me on a family holiday with my cousins to her parents' home, and her entire family (who I had only met once in my life before) accepted me and included me in Christmas and birthday presents from them. I could never imagine leaving someone out of family just because of biology.

Whilst I do think the 10 year old and 14 year old should have been invited, we don’t actually know what the 14 year old is like. Maybe she is a terror and the bride knew that having her at the wedding would be a disaster but not inviting her meant also not inviting the ops daughter.
not saying it’s right but there could be more to it than she’s not family let’s not invite.

on the Easter egg front I feel sorry for the bride. She tried to do something nice the first time she met the family but it backfired due to their being another child she wasn’t told about.

she also tried to take the 4 year old on an outing with her own niece but wasn’t allowed to as she didn’t include the older child. Yet we don’t know if that was even possible (was the trip age appropriate/ would there have been space in the car etc).

whilst she should go further to include rhe 10 year old where possible at least she is trying to get to know her future brothers family and involve them and not just her own family.

You're right about the 14 year old but we don't know...

If it were me, I'd dress it up as a simply a prom type event, maybe even a treat for if she behaves well, maybe a treat like a nice makeup item. Get her to look after the 10 year old and flower girls.

I do think the whole thing of bride not knowing about another child. This is bad.

I've been in and so has most of my family, in blended families. All times on the whole, where we were in touch and speaking, all of us were included. The only times we weren't included was with stepdad's family (they live in Ireland, we live in London) as stepdad tended to go alone to see his family, we went once or twice there. Now, all the cousins, I'm in touch with them via FB, we've met them and seen them but at least two of them have said to me they wished they'd had a chance to get to know me and DB when we were younger as of course it makes it easier to keep in touch and develop relationships. With one step-uncle he's not keen on England or the English which is fine and I get that. But still means I have younger step-cousins (DC of the older ones) who I don't know well but they've said they would like to know me - they've actually all visited since and we all had a great time!

My sons' father's gf's parents (stick with it, it gets easier 😁 though the apostrophes are probably off lol) have welcomed my boys into their home and at xmas and birthdays have never left them out. Total opposite - they haven't seen the boys for a year because their father is too lazy to have the boys to stay, yet still sent them £50 each on their birthdays last month.

Now THAT is the way to make children feel included. OP's H's family are disgraceful, but they showed years ago what they were, so it is no surprise.

YANBU.

I cannot fathom how even after marriage your eldest child is not treated the same as your youngest by everyone in the family. No exceptions.

I would go to war over this. If this were my eldest daughter being treated this way and drastic changes were not made sincerely and immediately I would divorce, no hesitation.

Fuck them. Stand by your child.

Op can of course leave him, but that isn’t going to change the fact that her eldest daughter will not have the same relationships as her youngest. The youngest will still have a relationship with her father and her father’s family, as she should. It isn’t her fault her sister has a different father, and she shouldn’t lose out on relationships with her own family members. It’s always painted as ‘of course the youngest will side with her mother/sister’, as if anyone is in the position to guarantee that. Interestingly, the perspective of the youngest is considered important when they do agree with their mother/sister, yet written off as irrelevant when they don’t.

Some blended families strive to emulate nuclear ones, but that is far from the case for all or even the majority. It isn’t something you can force, or shame anyone into.

How strange. They must really hate your 10 yr old. Why would you invite an entire family to a wedding and leave one kid out?

I am horrified at the number of pp that would be okay with the abuse of a ten year old. I can only imagine they are mostly nasty step parents justifying their own actions.