Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain

If they invite the elder girl they will have to invite 3 step siblings plus partners and baby on the bride’s side too. If they have the eldest as part of the wedding party to further placate OP it adds up further.

At my wedding more than a decade ago it was £56 a head for food regardless of age.

So that would be £56 x 6 = £336
Bridesmaid get up etc = £100
plus disruption of baby…. Plus everyone with kids attending the wedding then complaining their kids can’t come so then you have to invite more kids which is more £££

I don’t think what they’ve stated is unfair.

@KeenHiker this is really awful. You DH is allowing his family to decide that DD1 isn't part of their family and she absolutely should be if she is being raised by DH as his daughter.

You came as a package deal. If she isn't part of their family then neither are you and therefore you DD2 doesn't have to go.

I'd take both girls away the day before the wedding and stay in a hotel. Take them somewhere fun instead and create a happy memory. Show DD1 that she IS special, loved and that you have her back. DD2 won't care about missing the wedding if she gets a better day out instead.

Your DH wants all this to be brushed under the rug. The oath of least resistance. He is a coward.

It's not up to him who gets invited to the wedding? True BUT he should be giving priority to you as his wife and BOTH daughters. The insult is to you all.

Stand your ground. Show them all they are disgusting people and you won't be letting anyone make your DD1 feel like she isn't good enough to be in their shitty family.

I am a step-parent too so understand there are different dynamics at play and the family of the step-parent may not treat their step-grandchild/niece exactly the same as their biological grandchild (eg the savings account, amount of things bought for them).

BUT there is a big difference between that and excluding her from a family event like this. A 10 year old child is completely different to the step-'children' on the other side who are adults and married etc, although I do also think they should be inviting the 14yo stepchild on the other side who lives with the bride's sister full-time. Very rude.

Unfortunately if your husband is insisting on attending then there's nothing you can do, but I'd take your daughter to do something special for the weekend whie they're all there.

BIL could have spoken to you first to explain any numbers limitations etc for the lack of invite, but I wouldn’t be so upset about this.

Your elder daughter is not related to BiL and SIL. I don’t think you can force extended family to choose to see your daughter as their family.

Thinking about it more, it’s crazy that this fall
out is over a wedding.

Weddings are all about 2 families coming together and welcoming each other into their respective families.

This is probably being orchestrated by the new SIL as it is usually the bride who decides bridesmaids and guest lists. I’m assuming that SIL expects to be welcomed into the BIL’s family? Even though she isn’t a blood relative. But is excluding child because she isn’t a blood relative!

And I don’t buy for one second that she is only being excluded because it’s a child free wedding. If this child was a blood relative, of cause she would be invited, she would probably be bridesmaid.

Your elder daughter is not related to BiL and SIL. I don’t think you can force extended family to choose to see your daughter as their family.

But surely there is a difference between 'seeing her as family' and excluding one child from a household from a wedding invite? Even to exclude one adult would be weird.

And I say that a step-parent myself.

Overall though to keep the peace and for what's hopefully a one off wedding then I don't think that's actually a huge amount extra. Plus the baby, parents agree to take it out if it cries etc. Hire an entertainer if you need to for the kids.

Yes it could have been handled better but OP is human, the SIL was unforgivable to ask DD2 without asking parents first. I guess OP was in a spin, she had a distraught ten year old.
I know as a mum, I always felt their pain, especially if something felt unfair or cruel. It's hard not to lash out when you want to protect your childs feelings.

She will need to learn from this, but in all honesty I think DD1 has a right to feel unwanted and I would validate her feelings. I think that's probably better than just shrugging it off with it's not a big deal. At the age of ten it is a big deal.

It was just a dress and one extra invite, the fall out will last forever.

If they invite the elder girl they will have to invite 3 step siblings plus partners and baby on the bride’s side too.

Don't you think it's odd though to equate adults with a 10 year old??

If I had a friend with a 25 year old son, I wouldn't invite him to my wedding just because he's her son, but obviously if he was 10 I would? I wouldn't expect non-invited adult children of other guests so complain over that.

I don't think inviting a 10yr old dependent child in any way means they'd need to invite the 2 adult couples and their baby?!

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain

Hard to tell what their social background is from the post £500 is a lot to some.

Yes I agree, I think they should have spoken to OP to explain if they had limited numbers, or didn’t feel they could accommodate all the step kids fairly. It’s not fair to leave out 1 kid from a household. I wouldn’t divorce over it though.

I wouldn’t get upset about OPs DH or in laws not leaving her elder daughter an inheritance though. I think it’s enough that DH treats her daughter well. BiL probably does not consider her a niece and that would be OK with me.

I have absolutely nothing to add other than youngest will go to the wedding as I can’t stop him taking her without upsetting her.

I can’t quote people but a poster suggested that the in-laws weren’t classy, she asked if they walk barefoot in primark.

Think instead of the polar opposite of the class spectrum….

The easter egg debacle happened nearly three years ago. DH had met her before as had in-laws, but I hadn’t. She clearly wanted to be nice, I am not blaming her but my BiL who didn’t tell her of my eldest’s existence. I am not blaming her because she is a woman.

I have not amplified my eldest’s upset but tried to play it down focusing on age not step family. Neither of my daughters know about the subsequent invitations and fallout.

Asking youngest to be in the wedding, again in their arrogance they wouldn’t see what the fuss was about as DH was already going to be best man.

Eldest’s grandmother is triggered I think, when she sees my eldest about the choices her father has made. It was too emotionally charged for it to continue.

Her daughter, my child’s aunt is always present and has kids now. I am resentful of her not pursuing a relationship…. This resentment would be directed at an uncle as well.
I am not someone who places more blame on women.

OP doesn't your husband see at all that it's bad behaviour to ask a 5 year old directly, rather than go through the parents? Or question why his parents won't tell you what they are saving for dd2? Where's the harm in you knowing what is being saved for your child?
It all feels a bit off to me.

I'd not focus on b&g now - they are who they are and as pp say, you can't make extended family love and value your older dd. But your husband should. He did make an active choice to marry a woman who had a child and to become that child's father in every meaningful sense. That pledge was key to your decision to marry him and have another child. He's not doing what he promised.
He's made it clear that despite his words your dd1 is less of a priority to him than dd2.
You have to decide what you want to do with that new information.

I agree re the inheritance.

It's just the wedding for me. Leaving out one member of a family is plain rude, and especially if that person is a child with a little sister attending the wedding.

I feel for your daughter. The way she’s been treated by your husband’s family is cruel.

Your husband hasn’t stepped up. He’s been there for the easy parts, but now it’s got tough he’s proven that he is not willing to stand up for your daughter. As others have said, you need to make damn sure everything you own is left to your children rather than your husband- seeing a solicitor to get a will drawn up would be an urgent priority for me.

I would not be going to the wedding- I would be taking older DD on a really special weekend away.

And as for your husband being adamant about younger DD going - has he realised that if she does, he can’t perform best man duties? He can’t get ready with the groom- he’ll be parenting. He can’t drink- he’ll be parenting. You won’t be available as you will be parenting your uninvited child. Bride and groom need to choose- best man or flower girl, but they can’t have both.

She clearly wanted to be nice, I am not blaming her but my BiL who didn’t tell her of my eldest’s existence

Why would he though? He seemingly has never treated your eldest as his niece so why would you expect him to tell people she's his niece.

If someone asks me how many children I have I tell them how many children I have. I don't include DHs older children in the number. Same if you asked my parents how many grandchildren they had, or my aunt, or any of my wider family.

I'm not sure why you continue to be surprised at him not seeing her as his niece when he clearly never has before.

I don't go around automatically telling people of my stepchildrens existence. I'd certainly never expect my wider family to.

My husband is more than capable of being the best man. My youngest will be looked after by my MiL and the rest of the family. I don’t have concerns about the day and her safety.

@KeenHiker So is it a child free wedding except for the flower girls or are other children going?

I feel so sorry for your daughter. I could never do that to a 10 year old

Well a nice human would not want to turn up with eggs for all of the children bar one, would they?
If my partner had bought eggs for the children, I would have said "oh x has another child"

I never leave children out, I would invite siblings to parties and occasionally to play dates. I always had extra party bags for siblings who collected after a party. (buying a few extra bubble wands or punch balloons etc) It's the small things that make the world a kinder and nicer place.

For me, if I was the bride, I'd consider £500 a small price to pay for no rifts in a family, which is, as the bride knows, a blended family.

If someone asked me how many nieces I had, with a view to buying them Easter eggs, I'd definitely mention if I had a step niece who was part of the same household. Because otherwise you are contributing to a situation where one child in a family unit doesn't get a gift, which is shitty however you try to spin it.

So what's happening then? Your DH is attending with just your DD with him as flower girl? I haven't read the rest of the thread, soz!

But even so... if the 2 adult couples and 1 with a baby wanted to come, is that really such a big deal? No. Not really.

We don't know if she asked him specifically to buy Easter eggs. She could have just asked when she met him if he had any nieces and he said yeah 1. Just like I'd say if someone asked how many children I had.

I also wouldn't care if my aunt or my gran or whoever bought an Easter egg for just my DC and not DSCs. They barely know them and DH would never dream of saying anything about it to them either. If he felt that strongly he'd just go buy DSC an extra egg.