Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

Or is it only unfair if its towards the child of the split family?

Well yes. This is ALWAYS how posters see it on here.

Your posts summed it up quite well

IF OP did take DD1 to Disney, excluding DD2 (ouch for DD2!) then I bet their idea of "only talking about this exciting thing that doesn't involve you both in private" wouldn't stand and DD1 should be encouraged to talk about it ALL THE TIME

DD2 is a FOUR nearly FIVE year old who apparently its ok to shit all over the feelings of because a 10 year old might be hurt that people who've already demonstrated they don't give a crap about her continue to ... not give a crap about her

I don’t know how I can stop him taking youngest. He is adamant

You shouldn't stop him taking her. She's his daughter as much as yours.

I just want to add to this @KeenHiker

If you don’t calm down and take a more measured response to this you run the risk of damaging the self esteem and familial relationships of both your daughters, and fracturing their relationship.

You have already caused distress to your oldest by amplifying the emotion surrounding the wedding and making her exclusion about her paternity, rather than the wedding being child free/direct relatives only - which is what it is. And to your youngest by denying her days out, making a fuss about her grandparents saving money for her and now contributing towards ruining her experience of being a flower girl for her aunt and uncle. It’s very selfish, you need to remove your emotion from it and parent both girls to meet their needs and make this easier for them.

Firstly, accept that your DH’s family do not want to be financially responsible for your elder daughter, nor do they feel the same bond with her as your youngest who is related to them. Try and find ways to manage this - improve relations between your eldest and her actual relatives, pay for her to join the youngest or take her somewhere nice just the two of you so she gets a treat too. Emphasise that it’s a shame about the wedding, but it is the couple’s choice and their day; you and she can do something nice together either on the day or after (if you attend the wedding). Really the buck stops with you - you are her mother and it is up to you to help her navigate things in a healthy way.

As for your youngest, if you deny her opportunities at days out, to bond with her family, and to receive finance due to her sister - she is going to begin to hate her sister sooner or later, so be careful the bed you are making for your family to lie in.

@KeenHiker you should take your eldest on a fun day out. She'll love having you all to herself. Really sad that your BIL doesn't see his niece's half sister (who is a child and not an adult) as family. If I was dd1 I wouldn't want to attend anyway. I'd rather go to a theme park or zoo etc.

My ILs family can be a bit batshit at times but one good thing is that the one child who is a stepdaughter is absolutely treated as a “full-member” of the family by everyone.

I think the line between family and not family depends on where they live most if the time and other siblings
In a couple with two children from previous relationships and no common children, and they live 50% or more elsewhere. It makes certain sense to invite the blood relative of the bride to be a bridesmaid. But in this case neither child is related to the bride even by marriage yet!
I would still invit both to the wedding.

In a couple where there are common children and they live together as one unit most of the time, you treat them the same. Especially if you are the incomer, marrying in and met them at the same time.

I don't treat my sisters partners kids the same as her kids because I have only met them a couple of times and they live mostly with their mum. Whereas I have been very close to my neice and nephew for years. But I would never intentionally excluded them or refuse to invite them.

I think there are two sides to this. Yes it can read as exclusionary but I also see it as anything nice your youngest daughters family does for her you turn around to be about your eldest instead. She can't even receive a bloody easter egg without it being made about her sister not having the same egg.

DD2 won't miss out if OP takes her to London/show when she is ten.
It's a good idea to teach children empathy, so explain that DD1 is sad and that we are doing something special to make her feel better. Also she is ten and we are celebrating a decade of life.
When DD2 is ten you will do the same.
I took each of my children for one on one city breaks when they were 10 and 20. It's lovely to have special one to one time.
Liverpool is a great city break too, lots of museums, trip on the ferry, tube, open top bus.

Completely
When did weddings become so narcissistic?

Yes it's the couples special day, yes they should be making the decisions but ultimately why would anyone risk upsetting close family for the sake of a couple of extra people?
Weddings are supposed to be an amazing celebration love between family and friends.
Lately they have become so orchestrated, forced, posed and all about the image the bride wants to project. It's really quite dystopian

I actually think it's fine for either child to have special one on one time with their parents, good even.

I just think it's hypocritical to say "no way DD2 can't POSSIBLY experience something that DD1 isn't" and then as a solution to that encourage the OP to do exactly the same thing and take DD1 to something DD2 isn't invited to.

Instead surely it's just better to explain to both kids that all children sometimes get different opportunities and you're being flower girl for uncle X so mummy is taking DD1 here and vice versa.

But suggesting a 5 year old be made to talk in private about something she's probably excited about is cruel. And no one would ever suggest DD1 be made to do the same if it were her getting to do something DD2 wasn't. Do you think if OP does take her to see a London show or whatever that she will be told she's only allowed to speak in private about it to OP and never in front of DD2? No. Of course not.

She doesn't expect them to be financially responsible for DD1

She wanted to know how much they're saving for DD2 so she could match it for DD1

She's trying to do the best for both her daughters. Her husband and his family are not.

@FucksSakeSusan

No, that's why I said "normally". Nothing batsh*t about what I said, it's just that some people don't want to hear the truth because single parents and family breakdown has become normalised in UK nowadays.

Of course adopted kids are completely different because both parents are the legal parents from the beginning and there was a joint decision have the adopted child and the child is actively wanted from the beginning by both parents. And wider family would be aware of and emptionally part off the adoption process and would naturally welcome adopted child as part of the family.

In OP's case, she had another child with another man outside the family who will always be the child's biological and legal parent, who until she decided to date her husband, his family didn't even know existed! Of course the OP's husband's family won't have the same connection with her child as with a biological relative, it's common sense.

Plus the OP is so blaise about divorce that I wouldnt blame them keeping her daughter at a distance. It's actually better for her child's wellbeing and the OP's family not to form a close connection with each other since the marriage appears to be so disposable to the OP anyway. The elder daughter who's already suffered rejection by her dad, is going to suffer family breakdown yet again.

Any egg...

Bil hadn't even told Sil that DD1 existed

And if someone asks me how many children I have I tell them 2. I don't say 4 (DH has two older ones with his ex).

If you asked my mum how many grandchildren she had, she'd say 2. Same with anyone else in my family. Because they aren't close to my DSC so why would they automatically mention them?

OP says herself her BIL has never really bothered with her daughter. Why would she expect him to mention her as his niece if he's never acted that way.

But it isn't the same. Eldest lives with DH 100% of the time. She does not see her biological father or his family. If her biological dad had remarried and had more kids and they were invited to wedding of new wife's relatives but not eldest then that would be the same and wrong. Of course the youngest wouldn't be invited as she would never stay with the eldests dad!

Honestly I think she 10. She's left out and sad. I can put my self in her shoes and I would have been heartbroken.
I think if you love your children equally and strive to be fair, it's heartbreaking to see one distraught when people have been cruel. (and it is unnecessarily cruel)
I would use it as learning opportunity for both girls to understand how the other feels.

I also think it's bonkers for people to suggest talking in secret. I believe in sharing how you feel.

I hate hearing about people like this as they're just utter dicks to treat a 10-year old like a second-class citizen like that! I got married last year and my step nieces were treated exactly the same way as my blood nieces and nephews. Anything less makes you heartless in my opinion. I'd tell my husband to go alone in your shoes.

I don't disagree which is why I said the whole situation should have been handled differently, especially not asking youngest when eldest was right there. That is tactless.

But I do think as an adult, OP needs to be rational and accept that her children have different familial relationships and this may mean from time to time they get different opportunities. That's what happens sometimes when you have children with different partners involving different wider families.

It's up to her as the grown up not to be hysterical about it and blackmail her husband with divorce should he not do as she says.

Do you think OPs reaction will make her daughter feel better or worse? All it does is cement to her that there really is an issue for her to be upset about.

@Nanny0gg

She’s wanting them to pay for the same gifts, to take her on days out with her sister (usually about £50 per child per day), and to include her in a wedding. In the latter case, for her to be a flower girl or bridesmaid that means spending £35 - £50 on a meal + £100+ on dress, shoes, accessories, hair and gift…..

The girl is not related to them, why should they do any of that?? It is her mother and her father’s responsibility and that of her other relations.

Her attitude to the younger girl having a financial pot from grandparents is bizarre. You say - thank you very much, I am so grateful, how wonderful you are doing this for my daughter… not complain and demand to know how much!

The two girls have different families therefore they may have different experiences and opportunities. Focusing on helping them navigate this in a healthy manner to nurture their sisterly relationship would be a more beneficial use of time than having histrionics about a wedding and threatening to divorce.

And yes that's another one. Not letting youngest go out for the day with her family unless eldest went too. Its just stupid.

If my husband was insisting on this shit I'd be the one telling him to go.

Youngest is entitled to a relationship with her family. She got as much say in her existence and family set up as DD1 did. Why should she not have a relationship with her wider family because her elder sibling doesn't have one with hers? DD1 doesn't have a good relationship with her paternal family so neither can you?

But you're normal and not heartless. As I've said before on this thread it wouldn't really cost much more money and would hardly be disruption to invite the step niece and the other 14 year old. Most girls that age would be excited to be guests at a wedding and therefore well behaved, and would love to be bridesmaids too. I'd have both be bridesmaids if they wanted to do so.

In that way, bride gets to foster relationships with both girls going forwards and not be a selfish mare like she's being now. Bride just wants pretty flower girl (e.g. full child not step) at her wedding and her own way. Doesn't she see that the other girls could help look after/entertain the younger ones?

There are some horrible, horrible suggestions of guilt tripping on here which show NO regard for DD2 - a 5 year old who will excited now about getting to wear a pretty dress and take party in a wedding... some of the suggestions here are force her not to do this, make her chose between this and Disneyland, make her miss out on a super special trip and frankly if you split up with DH over this then DD2 is going to end up with some residual guilt later in life. Imagine "Mummy, did you and Daddy break up because I was going to be flower girl? I'm sorry!"

Agreed. The situation is really difficult but divorce will have a hell of an impact on these two girls, so careful thought is needed whether this is the dealbreaker.
The youngest is excited now. The challenge is now how to make both girls feel happy and valued. And if the parents can put their own issues aside, it is certainly possible.

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain I agree 100%! Kids menus cost hardly anything in the grand scheme of things (though admittedly the 14 year old may want an adult's meal). I bet the parents would be willing to pay for bridesmaid dresses for them too to help them feel included if it's cost that's the issue. Except it's not that obviously - it's deliberately excluding children over genetics that they had no part in deciding!