Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

If he feels that way about your oldest daughter and would giver her his heart why is he treating her differently too and not providing an inheritance for them both? He has either taken Her on as his child or not

They are shit people and I wouldn't want my daughter anyway near those sorts of twats.

Only read the first page but what is all this ‘they are entitled to invite who they want, their wedding their choice’ bollocks?!

No. No-one is ‘entitled’ to invite some kids from one nuclear family but not others. That just makes you a fucking horrible human being who is deliberately and consciously making clear to one child that you don’t regard them as family at all and don’t give a crap about how much that hurts them.

YANBU OP.

Life isn’t fair.

that is something children of blended families learn very soon, at least in my experience. I certainly did.

If the OP knows 100% that the younger child will get a certain amount it makes sense for the OP to make sure that her older daughter will get something comparable.

although I do agree that she should also give her youngest daughter something.

It doesn’t have to be the same amount but she should give her something. Simply because it shows care and consideration even if it isn’t exactly the same.

that also goes for the elder daughter, btw. OP doesn’t have to perfectly match the amount the younger DC will get. But it would be nice if the money was in the same ballpark.

or in other words:

DC1 may receive 8k.

DC2 may receive 10k from her grandparents and 2k from her parents.

it isn’t completely equal. But both received money from their parents and both ended up with a nice little sum.

I would flatly refuse to go to a wedding where they didn’t invite one of my children just because it was a step child. What sort of heartless cruel people are they?! Would people feel the same if it was an adopted child?! You are a family unit, either invite the full family or don’t bother! And if your husband doesn’t see that this is wrong he is a fool!

Regarding inheritance, I have a step parent, my own father is no more, so my mum had 2 of us and my step dad had 2 of his own kids. They don’t have a child together as they got together in their 50’s. I am Inheriting from both sides, my parents have been very transparent. My step dads kids are going to inherit multiple properties which he owns,his ex wife is dead and died before my mum and he got together. I will inherit Mainly from my mum, she also has multiple properties but my step dad has also left me the house in which they currently live. I am the youngest among all the kids. My sister is aware and she is also inheriting a large piece of land from my step dad. Both myself and my sister are the ones really involved in my parents life, his two kids don’t keep in touch unless they want something. He always says he can ask me or my sister to do anything and it gets done. He has no faith in his own children which is sad. He is in his 70’s now. Still he has left majority of his wealth to them which is only fair but he hasn’t ignored us.

Is it in a church? There’s nothing to stop you all going to the church, so she can be flower girl… you’ll just have to take her home while DH goes to the reception.
I know it’s galling, but I personally wouldn’t fall out over it. I’d let them go , and take the eldest somewhere nice.

I would feel really hurt for my daughter and really annoyed that they went around you to ask your other child . I would not be attending at alll , standing with my daughter. I do believe your husband should stand with you too .your good enough to be his wife and family and he needs to show that not support this divide they appear to want to create. I would be fuming . I myself and my partner have 5 kids between us from our marriages and he would never treat them any different ever

This. If he genuinely was unhappy about your eldest not being invited, he wouldn’t be ‘adamant’ your youngest was going. He’s acting almost as bad as they are.

Surely if a blended family the stance is simply “If any of our children, biological or not, are excluded, none of us come as a matter of principle.

I think it’s taking any sort of stance about what “a blended family” should be/do which is half the problem here; it sounds like the SIL has extrapolated her own family’s experiences and imposed them onto the OP and her DD - and it’s that that is causing the problem. Because all situations are different.

My DD has a friend who has a very complicated family situation. She lives most of the time with her mum, her stepfather, a stepsister and her mum and SF’s shared daughter. And then goes some nights and EOW to her dad’s, who has remarried and has a DD with his new wife. So this is a little girl who is well used to things being different between the kids in both households: she goes to private school (paid for by dad) and one half sister and stepsister don’t. There are various aunties and grannies, some of whom are “hers” and some aren’t. She’s very relaxed about it all. She won’t be treated “the same” as any of the other kids she’s grown up with, but everyone understands the dynamics at play.

But the OP’s situation is the opposite. Her elder DD sees the DH as her dad, probably just as much as the younger one. So they are basically a standard nuclear family to all extents and purposes; both girls are there all the time and are very much sisters. That’s why this case is so awful.

And asking your youngest to be flower girl in secret without asking you first is way out of line, knowing that they weren’t even inviting your eldest child.

If you can't stop the youngest going.
Ten is the perfect age for a mummy daughter trip. Look for a cheap train and hotel. Go see a show, museums, shopping. if you're on a London line, go to Buckingham palace and see the carriages/ palace etc.
Make it super special. (A girls weekend away will trump a wedding)

This divide will be with you forever and will only breed resentment in your marriage and your feeling towards his family.
Dick move by them including your H. Your DD 1 will feel the lack of love from them, but she will know how much you care.

If my DH started crap like this with me, I'd blow a raspberry, hide his trainers and challenge him to a race for a solicitor.
It would be a blessed relief to be shot of him.

This is spot on.

And you need to accept this OP, instead of actively encouraging this raging and upset of your child about them "only inviting one child and leaving you out" which isn't the case.

At face value it seems you are entitled to be furious. But when you read what's actually happened (which you don't want to acknowledge) they haven't done anything wrong. It's annoying, logistically, when weddings are childfree because as parents you then have to find childcare often overnight, but it's the bride and grooms choice. Instead of explaining the real situation to your DD and saying it's ok to be disappointed but no children are going, you've thrown your toys out the pram and amplified your daughter's reaction instead of being truthful with her. You are beyond biased towards your older child. That's why you can't even see how unreasonable you are. If your PFB isn't treated like family by people who aren't, you can't accept it, rather than directing your anger at the right place.... Her actual paternal family who can't be arsed with her.

Sorry but you sound like hard work. They don't sound great either though. You started off on the wrong foot re the Easter eggs. If she didn't know your child existed then she wouldn't buy an Easter egg. You obviously don't like them very much and they don't sound keen on you. Don't go to the wedding and let your DH do what he likes. And don't bother with them in future.

I can understand you being upset. However you may upset your youngest daughter if she is excited about being a flower girl and you don't let her. She will see you as the problem without understanding the bigger picture.

Firstly you are a fantastic mother. I wish more parents stood up for their children. I hope you and your daughter do something special.

They don't see your eldest as family OP. Unfortunately nothing you can do about it as their thoughts are their own and technically she isn't their relation. One of the perils of blending maybe, but not much you can do about how they feel.

This is possibly the most batshit thing I've read on Mumsnet, and it's a high bar. Kids adopted outside infancy aren't family, then? Mad.

What if eldest DD was invited to a wedding on her dad's side but younger DD wasn't, would you react the same?

These threads are exactly why I would never marry someone with kids.

I don't view my SIL as my family, never mind her kids. And that is ok - there are plenty of people who are not close as families (biological or not).

I don't think everyone needs to be treated the same - that's no how life works - biologically related or not.

As the eldest child in this scenario, my dad (step dad) would have gone batshit crazy and told them all to fuck off.

Neither me or my sister is treated differently, my dad is protective of both of us. We we both inherit equally from him and our mum, he’s currently planning how to build a treehouse in their garden as I’m 36 weeks pregnant with the first grandchild. We both call him dad, there’s absolutely no difference.

I’m sick of these shitty step parents not stepping up fully, sorry but if you’re going to treat kids differently, fuck off.

Your DH’s family are bang out of order, and tbh I also would have threatened divorce. They’ve upset your daughter for a reason she has absolutely no control over what so ever. Absolute bullshit that the other step kids are in the same situation.

I think the situation could have been handled differently and better i.e. speaking to you first and not asking right in front of your older daughter. But ultimately I'm usually on the side of not really seeing the big issue with a step parents wider family not being close to step children.

I have a step father, I think I've met his mum about twice in 15 years he's been in my life. I do not care. Same with his siblings, one of them I see more than others but they don't feel like my family and I'd not bat an eye if I weren't invited to their wedding. I love my step dad though, he's fab and has always treated me well (had a dad of my own so didn't need another) and is a great grandad to my DC now.

Likewise I also have step children who have next to no relationship with my wider family. They see my mum and dad sometimes but anything beyond that is basically none existent, for example they may get a token gift at Christmas like a selection box from my aunts and uncles but they'd probably not even automatically remember to invite them if planning a party or wedding. They are however, close to our joint DC. DH doesn't care, I don't care and my stepkids have never seemed to care.

I think divorcing your husband over this is crazy personally and if my husband threatened divorce unless his older kids were treated the same as our joint ones by my wider family he could go to be honest. I'd think he had a cheek expecting it.

I suppose it all depends on each individual family 🤷‍♀️

I also wouldn't allow my youngest to miss out on the experience. By all means do something nice with your eldest on the day and I understand you not going but your youngest should be allowed to go if she wants to and be a flower girl and the comments about refusing to even talk about the wedding or telling your husband to talk to youngest about it in private are just stupid. Would your eldest have to discuss something she was excited about in private with you to not upset your youngest? I doubt it. Your youngest is entitled to feel excited about being a flower girl and want to discuss a dress or whatever with her mum. She should not be told she must do this in private because you're "having nothing to do with it".

The whole situation could have and should have been handled differently by BIL and SIL but ultimately I think this is a massive drama over something that isn't that big of a deal.

Also is it not just part and parcel of a blended family that sometimes the children will get different opportunities considering that they have different family members?

I mean there are plenty of people on here who clearly wouldn't care about OP taking eldest to disney for a weekend and not her youngest.

Your BIL sounds like an absolute twat. Can’t believe his partner didn’t even know your eldest existed! I complete understand your anger and don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. As somebody with a stepdad I think it’s really sad how some families view stepchildren. Sorry, no helpful advice but YANBU.

Those pointing out children of blended families are treated differently are right though

DC goes to Spain with NRP whilst their sibling has to stay at home

One parent buys their child an expensive phone but their stepsibling has a much more basic model

Inheritance - if DD1 might inherit from their dad then why should they also inherit from stepdad? They'd inherit from 3 (and if the only beneficiary for dad would inherit 200% essentially) whilst DD2 is only inheriting from 2 (100%)
Or is it only unfair if its towards the child of the split family?

There are some horrible, horrible suggestions of guilt tripping on here which show NO regard for DD2 - a 5 year old who will excited now about getting to wear a pretty dress and take party in a wedding... some of the suggestions here are force her not to do this, make her chose between this and Disneyland, make her miss out on a super special trip and frankly if you split up with DH over this then DD2 is going to end up with some residual guilt later in life. Imagine "Mummy, did you and Daddy break up because I was going to be flower girl? I'm sorry!"

Yes, take DD1 for a day out that's a bit special (London for a show is a good idea) but don't you see how making a huge deal about taking her to Paris etc is DOING the SAME thing in the end, treating her differently and making DD2 miss out?