Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

Wow what a nasty reply ! None of the replies have been biased . I have step children , If anyone in my family did this I wouldn’t attend at all and my partner would do the same . And it is a privilege to be part of my stepchildren’s life’s not a burden !

Actually only for people like you . I marry my husband I take in his family , it’s not hard in any way , and honey sky I don’t see how her having a dad or not would change anything on this scenario. You just seem a judgmental creature who clearly thinks little of single mothers

The SILs actions are underhand, secretly taking your under 5yo dd out to ask her away from your older DD to be flower girl, that absolutely not right and I would expect my DH to kick off about that. He should also be pulling his mother up for her part. She had no right to undermine you as a parent. The correct protocol should have been ask you both as parents and explain who is and who isn’t invited. Then as parents you and your DH should have been able to discuss the situation and come up with a plan. Your DH needs to understand this and deal with it. The fact it’s gone this far is because of the way it’s been handled, he really needs to go back to the beginning, it dosnt matter about step this and that on the SILs side it’s how they completely undermined and disregarded you and the fact that at the end of the day it’s you as the child parent they should be getting permission from.

i agree with those who say when you accept a new member of the family in and they have children who accept the family unit as a whole. I met my nephew once when he was 9months old when his mum and my db got together, the next time I saw him was for a few days when he was 5yo then again at 18, he’s only ever been my nephew because he’s my DBs DSS, he calls me aunty, my parents DGPs. My DB brought him up as his own and that’s all there is to it. None of us care if my DB is his biological DF or not. He has his biological DF and his StepDF.

im not in the situation but I don’t think I could be involved with a family that had so little affection and respect for any of my children.

I don't really understand how anyone can deliberately hurt children like this - and SIL must know it would hurt, otherwise she wouldn't have been secretive about speaking to your youngest child. I have two step-grandchildren and two natural grandchildren and wouldn't dream of treating the steps differently - not least because they are the siblings of my natural grandchildren who love them. When DD, their aunt, got married, she had the two girls (one full niece, one step-niece) as flower girls.

I agree. I would either ring her or send her a letter; but either way neither of my children would be going to that wedding and I would explain it creates too much friction and drama in your household and any future correspondence with your minor children need to be cleared through you first. She had no business pulling a small child aside like that about being a bridesmaid without consulting the mother first even if she was an only child. If she chooses to invite both during that phone call then I would gracefully agree to participate and allow both my girls to attend and the youngest as the bridesmaid as planned otherwise she can live with her choices and you stick to your guns. This was just in bad form all around.

Agreed. Furthermore nobody asks a small child a question like that without clearing it through the Mum first (for any number of reasons including cost)

Put your foot down. Tell him as the mother, he is NOT taking the youngest, and if he does, you will move to your rented place. Tell him this is non-negotiable, you will not change your mind and you WILL go through with moving and you will do it the day before (so he can't think he can go then 'smooth it over' with you after). Tell him it's his marriage to you, or nothing. Do NOT under any circumstances, back down. In fact, message the SIL (and BIL) and say your youngest will not be flower girl and they will be responsible for your marriage break up if eldest isn't involved. Go nuclear on this, DO NOT BACK DOWN!

@SoreAndTired1

In fact, message the SIL (and BIL) and say your youngest will not be flower girl and they will be responsible for your marriage break up if eldest isn't involved.

Is that for real? because if so then it's ridiculous!

This is now a relationship issue so they need to sort it amongst themselves.

If the DH wants to go to his brother and fight the eldests corner and make sure she gets an invite then great, but the OP shouldn't be sending ridiculous messages blaming them for the break up of their marriage.

Absolutely. The husband won't do anything, he's made that clear. So as the mother of the daughter invited, she needs to address it.

My experience and parenting with weird families…
I don’t know what the PC parenting psychologist answer is to all of these parenting dilemmas and the tricky period of a child being old enough to be aware 5/6 upwards and young enough to want to protect them…

There is a months long wait list for psychologists in Australia so I am just making things up as I go….

Ive started telling my 7 year old that some people are just flawed in certain situations and deflecting it onto that person. I would be honest and explain that they want a flower girl that’s young. I’d probably be honest that I don’t consider them to be very nice & a bit weird to protect my daughter from any future things also.

There’s a temptation to blow up the situation but I would adapt and royal family style manage instead.

Say that you have to stay to look after your older daughter and can’t attend/have a migraine. Take her to get her hair braided at a hairdresser, a new dress, do a photo shoot and take her out for high tea and a movie. :)

Have a Mummy’s Princess day. If the little one gets jealous tell her she had a flower girl day but that in the future she can have a Mummy’s Princess day when she’s the same age. Tell your older daughter she’s incredibly unique, special and loved and take her to your side of the family/ask them to pay some special attention to her. Kill this issue with kindness and love. You don’t need in-laws to validate your daughter ! They sound like a bunch of fruits that need to be put back in their basket & it’s a good lesson that people will be disappointing but the people that matter will make up for it.

So you'd text the SIL and BIL to tell them they were responsible for the marriage breaking up? 😂

And then what? If they extended an invitation would your marriage just carry on as normal? 😂

I have two dd who have always been treated slightly differently by ils. Less spent at Xmas etc.

It's tough I've always explained it as they have their dad and his side too (I appreciate yours don't)

It seems really cruel to leave a child out of a family event (I wonder what sils sister thinks of her step dd not being invited)

I absolutely wouldn't go, I'd leave dh to decide for him and dd. But I wouldn't help or get involved at all (no buying shoes etc) I'd plan a treat day out for you and your dd. I'd probably be (gently) honest about why she isn't invited but explain how loved she is in your family.

Can you visit the BIL and his bride to be and offer, in the name of celebrating their wedding happily as a family, to pay for the inclusion of your daughter and of her step neice who is still a minor and living in her sister's house? That would be a generous offer and a peaceful one. You would need to be calm and friendly and to be prepared for them to answer YES or NO and to respect that.

Maybe there are no other children at all being invited, other than the flowergirls. And are they being invited to the reception?

Could you compromise and allow flowergirl to participate and be in photos then retire with older sister. Would the bride and groom also comprmise and allow older girl to dressup and watch her sister and the wedding before retiring?

A heart to heart chat needs happening here, between four respectful adults.

Beyond the half sisters part, beyond all the other noise, including one child and excluding the other is the
BIGGEST WEDDING FAUX PAUX IN THE HISTORY OF WEDDING FAUX PAUX.

Emily Post would surely have a stroke if she heard about this.
YOU SIMPLY DO NOT DO THIS IN POLITE SOCIETY.
Therefore, I must assume that your husband’s brother and his betrothed are trash.
Do they chew with their mouths open? Do they skip ablutions? Do they live in the woods in a junked out car? Do they walk barefoot through Primark? Do they wear swimsuits down the pub? Do they smack their friends’ kids around? Did her daddy marry his sister?
They might be rednecks.
Stand your ground, @KeenHiker

Up on the night feed and I see there are some posters defending poor DH and his family. One recent PP rightly called the in-laws horrible mind which I think is bang on. Frankly, I also think those who can’t see the problem must also be a bit horrible…

Some have suggested quite convoluted plans like holding a talk with the couple. I disagree with this. I think they must be thick as well as horrible if they need spelling out that what they’ve done is wrong. I also wouldn’t want to go to their stupid wedding after this tbh. Surely if a blended family the stance is simply “If any of our children, biological or not, are excluded, none of us come as a matter of principle.” It’s really not difficult and a few PPs with blended families - and decent husbands - have said this is what would happen.

Your in-laws do not consider your DD family, some blended families do and some don’t which is their decision. They want only biological relatives in their wedding party, which is their decision. They’ve also opted for a child free wedding apart from the kids in the wedding party, which is also their decision. This is not a personal slight to your DD - it sounds like other step kids are not invited either.

YANBU to feel upset, but YABU to insist they treat your kids the same when they never have. YABU not to recognize that in blended families, not all in-laws see/consider step-DC the same as biological DC. YABU to expect your DH not to attend his own brother’s wedding because his BIL has decided on what is essentially a child-free wedding. YABU to try get your MiL involved as it’s not her wedding or decision.

As most PP have suggested, the obvious solution is for DH and joint DD to attend, you stay home/do something special with your DD. There may well be occasions or situations in the future that will only include your DD, and exclude your other DD, you need to find a way to accept this reality. YABU to do things that will alienate your joint DD from an entire side of her family because they (rightly or wrongly) do not consider your DD part of their family. Finally, YABU for creating a drama over a wedding for two people who’ve never bothered with you and you don’t even seem to like. I think I’d understand your reaction more if you or both DD were super close to the couple.

I wouldn't go and I wouldn't let my child be excluded by anyone. In fact we turn down most invites to see my in-laws as possible for this reason 💐

You need to start framing this differently. Think about all the damage that will be done - it will undo all his years of stepping up. If your elder DD doesn’t have contact with her father and has so far been raised as your DH’s she’s having the rug pulled from under her now. That is a hurt that will last. He needs to decide whether he wants to do that to a child he’s raising and also whether it’s wise to do that on the cusp of teen years where hurt and confusion will mingle with hormones and he needs the relationship to work well.

What on earth are you talking about? He is inflicting real pain on his step child!
The other option, the right option is that he simply says NO to his rude brother and stands by his family.

It’s a wedding and really not worth the harm caused to a child! The Easter eggs are also nasty. It’s all so nasty.

It says everything about the posters ( and their life choices I suspect) that they are telling op to put up with this dreadful behaviour towards a young child. Absolutely astonishing that she should be repeatedly harmed and abused like this and told to put up with it.

Ops dd will one day be on here. Broken with a string of terrible relationships and no contact with her family and you guys will tell her it’s okay have a life time of therapy - LTB - without realising you have been instrumental in the emotional harm in the first place.

Op, neither child attends the wedding and stop accepting any gifts for younger dd.

SoreAndTired1 · Today 02:01

In fact, message the SIL (and BIL) and say your youngest will not be flower girl and they will be responsible for your marriage break up if eldest isn't involved. Go nuclear on this, DO NOT BACK DOWN!

Batshit advice.

Stick to your guns OP. Absolutely disgusting. And don't listen to the MN bullshit that stepkids aren't real people or whatever shite excuse they use for treating a child differently. Your in-laws are dicks. Avoid and lucky escape

Yes, we agree. That’s why I think OP needs to tell her DH exactly what will happen - his stepdaughter will be hurt and confused and it will undo all the work he feels he’s ever done to ‘step up’. Sorry if that wasn’t clear. I just woke up! I’m a ‘stepdaughter’ myself and if the man I called my dad had done this I would have been devastated and as a teenager probably rejected him completely

When I said ‘frame it differently’ I meant frame it differently to him - at the moment he seems to be choosing ‘his’ family - his brother - over the one he’s created with you. Children won’t understand arbitrary excuses however rational they seem. This will split the family he has worked hard to make. He needs to see that. You’re talking about divorce but presume you want alternatives? Reframing things in discussion can help. I’m not sure what I would if he insisted though. I think I would have to actually talk about splitting and shared custody - that’s kind of how he’s behaving already saying he would just take her.