Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

if your dad said it was OK for you to be excluded and not your sister because he's sisters real father and not hers that will destroy her

Well, it would be a lie for a start. Because that's not what's happened here.

"Mary, Jane is going to be a flower girl at my sister's wedding"

"I want to go."

"Actually, they are only having two flower girls. You know Polly, and James...they aren't going either. Or Sally and Sarah. Or Ben and Jo. So it's not just you. The only reason Mary is going is because they wanted two girls aged 3-5 to be flower girls, so they've chosen Jane, and Ella because they are the only two little girls. Not as wedding guests, they have a job to do."

"But I'm sad I can't go."

"I know, but the other 6 aren't going either. So we're going to do something really nice the next weekend, and you can choose. We don't get to pick who people have as flower girls at their wedding, but we do get to pick a nice day out together. What would you like to do?"

This.

Why does your oldest daughter’s gran cry when she sees her? If she cries because she misses her and obviously loves her would it be possible to foster a relationship between them as she is her blood relative and her own gran ? Even if your PIL treat your daughter kindly they don’t seem to consider her completely as a GC so it might be nice to have a gran that did. Dunno if that’s possible.

If he'd really and truly stepped up his family would treat the eldest as his - he'd make sure they did.... end of.

What's so stupid about this is you are married to your DH so for all intents and purposes your DD is his DD. You are all part of the family.

I would not let my youngest DD be part of the wedding arrangements - how can anyone do this to a 10yo child. Callous beyond belief. Arranfe something else for you and your DDs on the night before and for a few days. I'd probably take my flat back too.

Sadly, you are not a family no matter whether your DH says he'd give his SD his heart, he's not standing up for her, so his behaviour is condoning what they're doing to her :(

But what if your husband insisted he was bringing the youngest and then he went against your wishes?
What would you do then?

I think YABU OP - the couple are having a child free wedding with the exception of the 2 flower girls and you are causing a family crisis instead of simply explaining this to your eldest DD. What you should do is explain this, empathise with her and accept that it's disappointing but tell her it's very normal.

I'm afraid I don't get the insistence that families treat step children as biological family. It is not your in laws issue that there is a poor
relationship with your eldest's biological family. My second DH's family are fond of my DD but don't consider her their biological granddaughter which is fine by me. You need to chill on this issue - causing a fuss about savings and Easter Eggs for instance is not on. Look to the future - be sensible about this snd your other dealings with your DH- if you divorce they are v unlikely to see your DD regularly which just underscores the fact that the 2 girls DO have a different relationship with your in laws.

I wouldn’t get divorced over this ,it’s put DH in a difficult situation but especially because divorce won’t do the children any good so it’s not something to rush in to.I’d explain to DD1 that neither of you are going, weddings are boring anyway and take her out and spoil her. My DD1 and myself wouldn’t be socializing much in future with the in laws though .I also really feel sorry for the other step child who’s lost her mum. Maybe her Dad will refuse to go too.

It seems most posters won't be happy until OP cuts youngest DD off from her paternal family.

As pointed out by a few posters but ignored by many, eldest DD is not the only child not invited to the wedding.

Life can't always be fair; even full siblings can be treated differently, e.g one gets an inheritance from a godparent.

DH and youngest go to the wedding; OP and eldest have a nice day out (no need for Disneyland or New York as previously suggested; the wedding is one day for God's sake!)

@KeenHiker you're getting biased responses because it's mumsnet where men are generally disregarded. I don't understand at all why you're raging at your DH, it's his brother's wedding, not his, and they have the right to invite who they wish to since it's their day and their money. They're not obligated to see your kids with another man in the same way as their actual biological relatives. In their shoes I would have included your kids, but to be honest you sound like a difficult person, scapegoating and threatening divorce on your DH when it's not his fault you had a child with another man. Your reaction is exactly why many men (and women) are very reluctant to take on kids who are not their own because it causes all kinds of complications and wider family problems.

And yes your DH is right that you should be grateful for him stepping up to parent a child that's not his. It's a huge undertaking (personally I would never do it) and risky too for your DH because if you ever split up, he's made all that investment for nothing, he wont have any custody rights, and it's likely the child won't appreciate him the same way his own biological kids do.

I've just asked dh if we were in this scenario what would he do, he said none of us would go, we're a family. He would tell his DB the same

This is not a blended happy family...its a segregated one at the detriment to your DD and yourself. DH should have your back and his DSD. Hes flaky and a coward tbh

The wedding isn’t the main issue here.

The main issue is your eldest daughter’s biological relatives (father and father’s side) are not what you would like them to be so you are semi forcing your new husband’s family to take her on and integrate her as if she was one of their own… only she isn’t. And you’re finding it massively offensive that they won’t behave in the way you want them to.

They don’t seem to be being purposefully unkind to your daughter, they just don’t want to financially contribute to her or to form a close bond with her as they would wish to an actual relative. They will be polite, but they don’t see that there is a relationship or responsibility there.

The wedding is just symptomatic of that. Very often weddings are child free, with the exception of those in the wedding party, and due to financial constraints people can be limited to direct relatives and friends.

I know it must be massively hurtful and you really want your daughter to be loved and part of this family as much as the one who is biologically part of it. I’m so sorry, but you can’t force people. The real fault here lies with your eldest’s father and his family - if they weren’t so rubbish then she wouldn’t be wanting and feeling so bruised by the rejection of her sister and stepfather’s family.

Take your elder daughter away for a long weekend/week when the wedding is on to make your own happy memories and enjoy the bonding. Leave DH and youngest DD (don't deny her being a flower girl). DH will need to look after her all day... such a shame

I would inform your DH that your youngest will not be going to the wedding either. You won't be there to take care of her and no one else is capable since DH will be busy with the groom. I think his side of the family has shown their true colors and I wouldn't trust them with my DD.

I can’t imagine this situation. I have the final say wrt every decision about the children in this house. I can’t imagine a situation where my DH would go against my wishes where the kids are concerned.

I’m trying to put myself in that situation…. but I can’t see how he could get one of kids out of the house if I said no?

This. You have nothing to lose as the relationship is already so poor. Just approach them bluntly and to the point. It can't get any worse.

Exactly, precisely and absobloodylutely!!! 🤔🙄😱

I think it’s awful of the bride and groom to exclude your eldest DD and the step daughter on the other side of the family. I think the adult step sons are a bit different if they no longer have a relationship with the bride & groom in their adult lives.

I would let the the bride and groom know how sad this has made your Eldest DD and you will not tolerate cruelty towards your child.

Have nothing to do with the day and dissolve your relationship with them. Take your DD away for a special weekend and let your DH know his decision to be complacent in leaving DD out will change the way you feel about him.

I bet the bride and groom have made room for some random mates/their partners whilst happily segregating child siblings.

This post is spot on.

@KeenHiker instead of lashing out at your husband and his family, you need to lay the blame where it should be i.e. your daughter's biological father and your choice at the time to be with a man who was not father material. You need to take responsibility for your own actions too.

It's why I advise my brothers not to get involved with women who've had child/children with other men. It's the absolute worst of both worlds in terms of parenting, they'll be blamed for things that are not their fault, and "blended" families generally just don't work. "Family" is normally created in the first place because people are connected by blood and/or grew up together in the same household with each other from early infancy. This specific intimacy is exactly why family is uniquely different from friendships and every other kind of relationship.

No matter how lovely your daughter is , neither of these things apply to her so it's completely unreasonable to expect her to be automatically treated the same way as other wider family members and it's wrong of you to try to control others to force it.

He doesn’t want to understand @KeenHiker as it means he has to take a stand, or even worse he doesn’t, deep down, consider your oldest his family.

If it were me I would book a few days away, not tell him, then not be there when he came home the day before the wedding. A bit of a nuclear option, if you’re taking a stand may as well do it properly.

Sorry your DH is a bit shit.

Am I understanding it right - the bride and groom are not inviting the other flower girl (who is the bride's niece) big sister? Despite her mother being dead? They sound absolutely bloody awful.

I'm a bit confused by this:
Quote from your post
"He says he would give her his heart if she needed one"
and this "Youngest will inherit from DH and both daughters will inherit from me."

So he would die for your eldest but not share your joint family assets 50:50 between your girls in the will. (Youngest will get his half plus half of yours so 75% and eldest 25%) Sounds like he talks bollocks to me. I stand by what I said earlier make sure your wishes are water tight because he won't be looking out for your elder daughter- he has told you as much.

But that's the situation that the OP is in.
She said said none of us are going or I am off
and also He has made it very clear that youngest is going to be in that wedding!
and I don’t know how I can stop him taking youngest. He is adamant.

So in this case he is intending to go against her wishes...

So you wouldn't divorce over it but you'd physically try to stop your DH from taking the child out of the house on the day?
Would a marriage even survive something like that anyway? 🤔

Yes, it's bizarre. On MN, stepdads are often expected to view their stepchildren as their own. In fact, it's offensive for a man to describe himself as having "taken on" or "stepped up for" his stepchildren - why, he should view it as a privilege!

Meanwhile, stepmums are advised to refuse to look after their stepchildren for a few hours.

Hubby just got home now from work , I read the post to him , we both have 2 children from a
previous relationship and one together .
His reply was “ I wouldn’t go unless we
where all invited “ and then asked me what I would do , and I replied the same .
Neither of us believes our family would do this either but if they did we would have a united front .