Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

You forced your kid to call someone dad and his parents nan and grandad? Wow.

Well he’s not stepping up now when it really matters !!

How shitty to do that to a child ..

This! If the children are brought up right they will understand the situation and be happy things are fair.

I couldn’t imagine being upset with my mum because she made things equal for my sister/ brother.

Imagine being the eldest DD and seeing your younger sister get a large (potentially) sum of money whilst you get nothing.

Lots of pages on this one. OP your DH husband sounds like he is stuck between a rock and a hard place. Unfortunately he doesn't seem to realise that his brother could solve this if he had some understanding in his heart.

I think i'd be ok with him going to the wedding. I wouldn't go but i'd make it clear to my OH that my effort with regards to my BIL will be non existent in the future.

I'm also surprised that your OH hasn't make it pretty damn clear to his brother that this is causing him (rightfully) a big issue in his home life and he's not happy with him. Nothing wrong with making it clear to someone that yes its their choice what they do, but that they should understand that the implications of their decisions go further than themselves.

No, fair would be both her children getting the same amount of money.

Equal would be saving the same amount of money for both her children.

I made it very clear when we came into his life me and my son that he would be treated the same as his sister and younger brother and that included him calling my husband dad and his mother and father Nan and Grandad.

What? Why is your son calling someone who is not his father 'dad'?

When did you set all this out? When you were dating? Before the further children were born?

Did your DH's parents get a say in this at all?

@DisneySeaCruise didn’t force it no, my husband loves our eldest the same as his siblings so stop trying to twist words.

How is @DisneySeaCruise trying to twist your words? You said you made it very clear "when we came into his life"....

This thread has really highlighted how some women (not necessarily OP) still look to (unrelated) men as a meal ticket for themselves and their children.

FGS it's 2024. Get an education, a career, build your own wealth, provide for your own kids! Then you won't get so hung up worrying about what men are or aren't doing.

That's got very little to do with getting your child to call your new partner "Dad" and his parents "Nan and Grandad".

Do you expect your child to call his dad's new girlfriend "mum"??

The risk of that though is your eldest growing up to think he is an equal grandchild to the step-grandparents...and then being left little or nothing in their will. That will be very hurtful, don't you think? Would it not have been better to raise him to understand that there are differences in these relationships?

Yeh… fair is getting the same amount of money of your mum.

what you get from others doesn’t matter.

Of course it will. Her daughter is 10, child together 5. That means he's been in her life as a father figure from at least the age of 4, likely longer. Blood or not, if your dad said it was OK for you to be excluded and not your sister because he's sisters real father and not hers that will destroy her. Whether OP can look at him the same again or not if he goes through with this, the eldest definitely won't.

Yikes... I was already to say you are unreasonable is just a wedding, but it is cruel to exclude step-children from family gatherings. I wonder what they thought would happen?

However, DH is in an impossible situation. Making a stand is just going to make things worse over a stupid wedding. I would agree that DH and DD2 go and you decline and spend the day with DD1.

After that.. I would be stepping back from the family personally. They chose to draw the line. DH can attend them on his own or with your DD2.

Also maybe have a real heart to heart with DD1 when you have calmed down. Its nothing to do with her, and you, DS and DH clearly loves and cares about her. But you can't control what nonsense people tell themselves about blood and water.

When you divorce him over this presumably he will continue to see DD2 and take her to visit his family, take her to family events, and his parents will continue to save for her. He will no longer see DD1 as she isn't his bio child.

So the children will be in exactly the situation you are annoyed about anyway. DD2 will have both you and DH / his family. DD1 will actually have less than now as she will no longer have the step father who has generally been (it sounds) like a good parent up until now.

I don't blame you at all for being angry and actually you do have a right to be mad at your hubby. We expect the inlaws to be hurtful but we expect more from our actual partners. He should have told his bother that both children will be in attendance , yes I understand it's the bil wedding and they can do as they wish but that doesn't excuse being so rude and inviting you all as a family minus one of your children , especially if they are close as brothers like you say. How bloody hurtful and rude of them all, your mil as well. I just will never understand why these ppl can't see themselves, it really isn't nice to hurt the kids like this.

This .. i would be heartbroken for other DC...I wouldn't go nor DC ..Let husband and youngest go..but there is going to be issues over this.. personally id see it as divide and conquer within family facilitated by his family..itd be we all go or nothing if it was my side of family....id pay an extra cost. I don't think my marriage would last if DH didn't have our backs.

Yes but there wont be the other child feeling less than the younger one by his family using preferential treatment. Id divorce him.

You can't make them consider your eldest as family. It's really poor behaviour of them not to invite her though. Very poor and inconsiderate of them.

Your husband treats your daughter like his own. Don't end your marriage over this. It seems like an overreaction.

I would just stop interacting with BIL and SIL.

Wow. Tilt your head right back and look at that little speck flying way above your head. That will be the point that you’ve missed from reading these posts.

It has nothing to do with men being expected to provide financially for children who aren’t their biological offspring and everything to do with feeling hurt that someone like the OP’s husband being fine to play daddy when he wants to marry the OP, but suddenly being ok for the children to be treated differently when it comes to his family or finances. I bet he’d be outraged if the OP’s daughter didn’t ask him to walk her down the aisle if she gets married.

Either accept the child that comes with your spouse and treat them the same as any future children, or don’t play the father figure and make it very clear from day one that you aren’t ‘dad/mum’ so the biological parent has a choice whether they’re happy with a spouse playing that role.

Oc itll destroy her. My daughter was in similar situation...she was heartbroken and it did her self esteem no favours. Adults should know better...whos the kids here?.
I got out of that situation really quickly! Never mixed with them again .
Kids will have disappointment but not where it favours one sibling over another.