Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

We don’t know that the eldest won’t inherit from her dad. He doesn’t see her but that doesn’t mean he either won’t include her in his will or that he won’t die without a will and her be the default sole heir.

The op certainly doesn't care what dd2 wants that's for sure.

Seems to be compensating for the fact she chose a waster to be the father of her dd1.

She is 5 . She doesn’t understand what this will be causing .

Op said he died

Treating kids fairly doesn't always mean treating them exactly the same. Sometimes it means doing more for one because they are getting less in other areas. So it's fine hit IP yo save for her oldest, if her youngest is getting lots of money from her grandparents.

It's actually quite the power battle to not tell OP what they are saving, so she can't compensate for the other dd. I'd tell them to stick it up their arse - my kid doesn't need their money!

No she said the granddad died. The op chose to end visits with the grandma.
the child doesn’t see the dad but we don’t the reason why.

Come off it. She shouldn’t even be aware of the situation.

If she wants to be flower girl and go to the wedding she should be able too.

And what if you die 20 years before your DH? And in that 20 years he remarries/squanders his money/needs expensive care so that the youngest is left with nothing?

She can save regardless can’t she, she doesn’t need to know a figure.

and she doesn’t get to tell them to stick it, they can give whatever they want to their granddaughter when she’s over 18 and it’s nothing to do with the OP.

Christ, it's bad enough dealing with inlaws, but dealing with step inlaws.

Seriously! She wants to save for her eldest so both daughters are given the same amount of money. Her eldest doesn’t see her paternal side of the family so OP doesn’t want to see one DD with potentially a large amount of money and the other with nothing. She’s trying to make things fair.

Fair would be saving for both her children equally. Not just one.

The second child will be 5, I can't see her having as strong a conviction over wanting to attend as the 10yo will be upset over not even being invited. His family don't need to treat her the same but he claims to love her and should be doing something about this. That's why if he wants to take the youngest he needs to sit eldest down and explain why he thinks its OK and why he's going along with it. If its perfectly fine that she's not invited because she isn't his daughter as some seem to be suggesting then why shouldn't he have an issue telling her that to her face? Oh wait, because it would destroy her. Which it already is and he should see that.

It’s not money in the will - that she has said will be split equally between them. It’s the younger sister getting a big bonus lump sum at 18 and the inequality that creates between the sisters.

Is DH not aware of your eldest’s reaction to not being a bridesmaid/flower girl? You said she was visibly upset. Did he not see this?

You mention he thinks that YOU are overreacting. How about how your DD feels? Is he even considering that?

Is he aware that this is not about a wedding day? It’s about you having two daughters that are being treated differently by his family, because of a lack of DNA connection with one of the girls?

If I were you, I wouldn’t allow him to continue to bang on about the wedding. I would keep refocusing the conversation on the treatment of each daughter and how wrong that is to make a child feel less important, because of who their biological family is and isn’t. It’s about his own treatment of his SDD and DD, if he fails to advocate for his SDD. He has made this situation way more complicated and painful than it needed to be, by failing to make it clear to his brother than he has 2 daughters that need to be treated exactly the same way, when it comes to this wedding. If his brother is a reasonable person, I would have thought this would be easily resolved. The two adult step nephews don’t need inviting, so we’d be talking about two additional guests max. Is it really worth a family falling out over the cost of two people?

If he can’t see the logic of that, you’re going to fall out a lot more about this situation in future.

He says he would give her his heart if she needed one but just can’t see the fuss that I am making. He’d give her his heart if she needed it, but she won’t be inheriting any share of his property? It’s just words, he doesn’t actually mean it, does he? He doesn’t see her as his daughter. He hasn’t ’stepped up’ to be her dad. All he’s done is just not be horrible to her.

My DH has a stepdad who came along when he was two. He has never treated DH any differently from his younger brothers and has immediately stomped on any attempt by anyone else to treat DH as ‘not quite the same’ as his brothers. There is no way he would have let one of DH’s brothers attend a wedding (particularly as it seems to be for the sake of having cute photos, rather than having any sort of meaningful relationship with the child) while DH was excluded. It might well be a child free wedding, but the only decent response is to decline for the whole family on the basis that he couldn’t watch one child be excluded.

If he’s adamant that your youngest DD will be taking part in the wedding, then I don’t know whether you have the right to prevent that, but wild horses wouldn’t be able to make me attend, or have anything to do with either the wedding or his family again. I’d also lose all respect for him. He’s not the father figure he’s presented himself as.

Destroy her? Stop being so dramatic.

OP has kind of lost any moral high ground when it's not ok for her unrelated child to be excluded from a wedding that all other children in her situation are also excluded from ... Whilst simultaneously saying for one of her children but excluding the other.

She can't keep punishing little DD because elder DD paternal family are shit. Or continue this entitlement that little DD paternal family should pick up the slack of eldest DD's paternal family, and if they don't, are arseholes.

That's what frequently happens when you have children with different paternal families. You can't just insist they take your child on as their own. OP can't seem to accept this.

We renew our wills every 2 years , they come with a clause saying some assets cannot be divided ( as an example the houses must always be 50% to the children ) . If at any stage I think this is nit ok I can change it . His life insurance is also in her name and my stepsons name too . We agreed this between us . It will probably get changed as the children get older too depending on individual circumstances.

It’s not a great situation but to divorce him over it is a touch OTT.

It is money in the will. She said that her property will be shared equally between the two daughters. Only the youngest DD will be inheriting form the OP’s husband.

She said she was matching what dd2 was getting from the grandparents , so they both would get it

She can't keep punishing little DD because elder DD paternal family are shit. Or continue this entitlement that little DD paternal family should pick up the slack of eldest DD's paternal family, and if they don't, are arseholes.

This was my take too; eldest doesn’t see her dad, therefore the expectation was on the DP to step up. Story would be different if she had an engaged father/paternal family, with less expectation on DP’s family.

Fair enough. Albeit the mother of those children should have a major say and, arguably, a veto, she cannot physically stop her younger daughter from attending. She could, however, be justifiably pissed off with both her husband for entertaining any other option but to attend alone, and her future SiL for the cloak-and-dagger manner in which she appointed her younger DD as 'flower girl'. This was clearly done in such a way as to override any objections her mother might have.

I can't abide seeing children treated pointedly differently for reasons which are in no way their fault. Any adult who can do this in all conscience - including 'D'H - is beneath contempt IMO. Divorce is an over-extreme measure without a much stronger underlying grievance, but what I'd unquestionably do is to protect my elder child from further toxicity of this sort. This would mean neither she nor I would be interacting further with DH's family and that all future contact, including attendance at the wedding, would need to be facilititated by DH alone. It's sadly impossible to force in-laws to view a step-child as family, but in view of this attitude it's certainly advisable to adjust your expectations and interactions with them accordingly. The elder child deserves no less.

This will undoubtedly result in far greater effort on DH's part, as in future the full onus of responsibility for facilitiating this relationship will be on him. If that's what he chooses, I'd leave him in no doubt that this position is not negotiable at any stage, and that it is permanent.

It will then be for him to decide whether his younger daughter's attendance at this wedding is worth all this additional effort.