Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

Exactly this.

It doesn’t matter about matching. You give to your kids equally regardless of what they get from anyone else.

It is unfair for the op to JUST save for her eldest daughter.

The op is kicking off about her not being invited to not her families wedding but is quite happy for her younger daughter to be disadvantaged when it comes to savings.

It is for the eldests family to save for her not the op to substitute in for them to the detriment of her youngest.

I feel sorry for her youngest she seems to be getting the raw end, just because she has a loving extended family she is being banned from attending a wedding.

Don’t feel you need to go though life to please others , if you think your daughter is disadvantaged money wise then make plans for her . As a example my 2 oldest are not biologically my DH ( although he would never do the same your husband is doing ) so my life insurance is 90% towards my oldest children and only 10% towards my youngest as she has her dad . Fairness is not equality it’s equity .
As for your husband and taking the youngest , I would absolutely loose it with him if it was me . Sorry but he could go alone and even that , I’m not sure ie o idk ever forgive him

He clearly values his brother more than his family with you.
Couldn't possibly tell THEM no Could he?

What a lousy shit. I feel for you and the kids.

These step-children threads always end up like Eastenders. It's all about faaaaaaamily. Cut 'im off!! Leave the bleedin' bugger!

Are you for real ? She has a whole family behind her , her oldest doesn’t . Equality is not always fair

OP if your older DD is invited to a wedding on her side of the family, or you find out the crying gran is putting aside some money for her, would you expect your unrelated younger DD to be included too?

Any concerns re: inheritances, acceptance into the family really should have been addressed before deciding to marry and add another child into the mix. But here you are.

Should always be fair from your parents. You can’t control other peoples actions but you can your own. It’s disgusting to treat kids so differently.

Pretty shot thing to do to your kids.

Not if the mob on here have their way.
She won't be allowed to attend family events, her dad will be divorced and her mum's financial resources will be primarily funnelled towards her sibling as she has the cheek to have active grandparents.
Whoopee doo for the youngest DD.

My kids weren’t invited to a wedding where my husband was best man and I was like the fucking devil I was so cross

fast forward to our wedding and his friend PLUS ALL HIS KIDS were also invited.

it fucking sucks. I didn’t stop my husband going but it was a horrid weekend

Why because I’m leaving them all in the same level if I die ? My youngest has her dad , my oldest 2 do not . How is that unfair ? Unfair would be leaving 2 with less when they will need more and give it to someone who won’t need it at all .

I think there is when you have raised that child as your own from when they were something like 4 years old!

The girl become a grown woman, and the man that has raised her since as early as she can remember doesn’t leave her in his will? That’s just odd.

Again, this.

The bigger picture here is that OP had a child with no paternal family relations.

She's gone on to have a second child with someone else, who's paternal family do want relations with that child.

Now she's cross that the first child isn't getting the same treatment as the second, by people who aren't obliged and naturally won't treat an unrelated child the same as their blood relative. She seems to think this should happen simply because she happens to be the mother of both. You can pearl clutch at that all you like, but it is the actual fact of the matter, like it or not. If OP left, they would never see that child again.

Now the whole "it's not my fault your ex didn't step up" comment from DH makes much more sense. It's not his fault. And neither child's. But OP is literally penalising the second child for her family simply treating her the way the first child's family have failed too.

i really couldn’t go along with any of this nonsense! Your poor daughter! You’re a family you all come as a package. I’d run as far away from him and his family as you can, they will screw up your eldest daughter for life if they carry on like this and it will drive a wedge between your daughters when they are older. Tell them all to get stuffed!

That’s what people are saying , not the OP . The youngest is already in a vantage , she has a dad and a family . Trust me she will not want to go to events once she is older and realised her sister was left out . I’m talking out of experince . My older sister was taken everywhere by one of my grandparents , up to this day now both in our 40s she absolutely resents the grandparents because they always left me behind and treated her so much better .

It's unfair because you - their mother - is treating them differently through no fault of their own. It's not your youngest's fault that she has a father, yet you're giving her less because of it. Life is unfair sometimes, but you should always be able to rely on your parent(s) to treat you the same.

Seriously, who asks a child to do anything like that without checking with her parents first?
Your poor 10 year old.
After the Easter Egg fiasco I'd be done with BIL, she's just as bad now excluding your other DD. I'm fuming on your behalf.

It’s called equity . It’s a bit like giving someone with only a leg a head start because they are slower . To make things fair you can’t always be equal .
My children would never resent that , they were brought up to help those who need it the most so that everyone has a chance .

Someone on the same wavelength as me lol 😂

There's a poster upthread who speaks of the resentment of the child who was cut off from their paternal family to protect a siblings feelings.
Personally I'd err on the side of not alienating a child from their own family and they can do their own cutting off when they are old enough to decide.
Appreciate everyone experiences things differently.

Does anyone give a shit what DD2 wants?

Or are we all too busy wringing hands over poor DD1 whose mother cut her off from the last of her bio family?

Its not odd. It’s normal to want to give to your bio kids only and there’s nothing wrong with it.

Agree

Call it whatever you want, but leaving one child less in your will is a horrible feeling. When it comes to your children, equal should mean equal. You don't penalise one child to make up for the unfairness life has dealt the others. If your older ones need more help, give it to them while you are alive. Have you told them this is your plan?