Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

I always think it's cruel to leave out part of a family unit that live together. I can understand when it comes to step kids who only have contact time EOW it's more nuanced but to leave out the child your brother has been the sole father of for years is really strange to me.

Also, to your dh id point out that you are not related to BIL either so by his logic you probably have no reason to be there either.

I actually agree that the mother should put aside equal savings for the children, what I don't agree with is why the grandparents have voiced this saving for the grandchild to be known.

It's the kind of favoritism shit that screws stepkids up, keep it private, wait till you're dead, whatever, hopefully the stepchild hasn't been privy to these conversations.

Something tells me this stepchild is not being treated fairly, even before this episode with the wedding.

A five year old flower girl is different to a 10 year old, the fact you thought she should have been included in the wedding party is very telling, you then asked about how much saving they had for your youngest child, you wanted your older child included in younger children's play date when she's five years older op I suspect your trying to over compensate for the lack of family on her df side. Does she call your bil and sil auntie and uncle? Does she call mil grandma? The level of relationship with your inlaws sounds surface level, they don't have a relationship beyond that.

No they won’t because one wouldn’t get more than the other. She asked how much they had saved for younger DD so she could match the amount for older DD. So they would both get given the same amount rather than only one sister getting anything at all.

Should DH’s family save money for the older DD? No I can understand why they wouldn’t but OP is trying to even it up herself so in the end they both get the same and feel equal. Their finances are none of her business but to save upsetting a child in the future (again) they could have given a rough ball park figure.

This.

OP you have made a situation of "only adults are invited" into "they only wanted one child to go" and let this play out.

This isn't what happened. There are two flower girls and only adult guests. Your eldest happens to be the sister of one of the flower girls. That doesn't suddenly enable her to be the only child invited over another 6 who aren't.

Then the big drip feed that you want them to tell you what they are saving for their granddaughter, so you can save exactly the same for only one of your daughters. Leaving your own youngest child out of her own mother saving anything for her. So, it's ok with you as long as the bias falls towards eldest DD...

Or maybe she'll think her mother should have thought about that first before starting another family. If it was important to me for my daughter to be seen as a relative to people who aren't related to her, that would be something I would take into account before marrying a man whose family I'm going to put that expectation on.

Again - we have no idea if this is a child free wedding. We only know that all the step nieces and nephews have not been invited. The step nephews are not children they are men in their 30s. So if it was adult only surely they would have been invited???

Also, do you know how damaging it will be to be told she is the reason why the family broke up? What do you think that is going to do to the sibling relationship?

The thing is, I don’t believe that stepchildren should be treated as bio children, and have got into loads of debates about this on mumsnet. BUT it is either thick or nasty to exclude a child from a family function her whole immediate family will attend. What did BIL think OP was going to do? Leave her kid alone for the day/weekend while they all saunter off to a function she’s not welcome at? It’s mean. There are times when we do fun things without my stepdaughter, because she has a mother and other siblings - but we certainly don’t tell her about it or let her know she’s if missing a fun family occasion. That’s just nasty.

I think it’s awful how families don’t include other children. Our family always make room for any child - it’s what you do!!

I wouldn’t want them to go either. That said is your DH prepared to stay sober and be responsible for the 5 year old all day?

He goes on his own and the kids stay with you. One doesn't get to go then I wouldn't let either go

Mind you, this as a single incident is certainly not a divorce moment. I wonder how some people on mumsnet stay married…

I don’t think there are hard and fast rules when it comes to blended families - all families and all circumstances are different. If the OP’s elder daughter were 15/16, spent a lot of time with her own dad and paternal family and was only with the stepfather every other weekend, so had never met his brother? Probably no big deal that she isn’t invited while her 5 year old sister is a flower girl. But we are talking about a 10 year old, who lives full time with her stepfather and who sees him, to all intents and purposes, as her own dad. Horrible to exclude her on that basis.

Also with the savings thing of course it would be fair for the OP to match the savings - it doesn’t mean she won’t save more for both girl’s separately of equal amounts. It’s so when the younger DD turns 18 and grandparents say here’s £10,000 for a car or a future house deposit, then older DD who doesn’t have grandparents saving for her doesn’t feel sad and resentful at the different treatment. OP can say to older DD here’s a similar amount that would have come from your Grandparents - both girls then have the same amount to spend.

I understand that it’s an extremely hurtful for your older DD. It would have been nice if both girls had been asked to be flower girls / involved in the wedding. But you can’t force your DH’s family to consider her family, unfortunately.

I like the suggestion of doing something nice with your older DD. The weekend in Paris sounds good (if that’s something you could comfortably afford).

So your DH is planning on excluding your DD from his will too. He really is a nasty piece of work. My DH is leaving everything he has between me and all my DC and foster dc. They love him so they deserve nothing less. Your eldest DC will get damaged hugely by your DH and his family treating her like a second class citizen. I hope you have your joint mortgage tenants in common otherwise if you die first your share of your house will go to your DH and over time pass to your younger DD only. That would be very unfair on your elder DC. If tenants in common you could leave your half equally between your 2 DD's. We have a foster DC who has lived with us since he was 5 and he'll be getting a share in both my will and that of DH too. We treat DC equally, blood or not blood. Foster child is every bit as much our child than if he was our biological DC. He's 18 in July but will continue living with us.

I really think this is a massive over reaction, yes it’s unfair your oldest daughter isnt invited but with all respect your husbands brother didn’t ask to inherit a niece that is not blood relation to him. You and your husband obviously wanted a blended family and decided between you that’s something you could do, but your husbands family didn’t get a say in it. You can’t force children on extended family just because you and your husband have decided they should love them as much. I don’t have much experience in blended families on my side but all I can liken it to is me having my own biological nieces and nephews who I love with all my heart vs my husbands nieces and nephews, I love them but I’m very aware of the fact I don’t love them as much, I’ve known mine from the day they were born I haven’t known my husbands since they were born the bond will never be the same. If your brother and sister in law are generally pretty rubbish with both kids I wouldn’t take it personally. They don’t have to love your older daughter as much as they love your youngest. As long as the 4 of you and your family unit know your a family and both kids feel valued and loved by yourself and your husband it’s a none issue. Why should your youngest miss out on feeling like a princess for a day because ‘it’s not fair’

I'd be glad, can't stand weddings.

Your partner can go on his own, you do something special with the kids that they can look forward to. Why do you want to spend time and try to get attention from people who aren't interested? Much better to spend the time with your own family doing what you want.

But she would still be giving 1 child 10k more over the other which isn’t fair.

You can’t give 1 child 10k and the other F all because they have grandparents that saved for them.

This.

Capitalise MATCH IT all you like, if she isn't personally paying the same amount into savings for each of her children then she's not got a leg to stand on in this debate.
I know what I've got in my budget to save for my kids and it's split down middle. What anyone else does or doesn't do is irrelevant.

Don’t be so ridiculous. It doesn’t make him a nasty piece of work because he wants to leave inheritance to his bio kids.

Don’t be so ridiculous. It doesn’t make him a nasty piece of work because he wants to leave inheritance to his bio kids.

how long u been together and also for her to do it when everyone is over rather than wait to ask the girl when she was on her own was cruel

Well if DH is adamant you can be too can't you?
I'd simply book a weekend away and take both girls the day before the wedding, he can't take the youngest to the wedding if she isn't there can he?
You say he's shocked but in reality he doesn't give a shit as if he did he'd be backing that shock with actions.