Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

I don’t understand why you want mil/fil/sil/bil treat dd1 with the same regard when her step dad doesn’t. It’s strange to ask them to hold her in higher regard than he does.

in regard to inheritance will your dd inherit from her dads side of the family? If she does is there an expectation that she will share with her sister?

Umm, it might ensure her eldest knows she is a priority as well and she won’t need a life time of therapy?

There is nothing off about only giving inheritance to your bio kids.

I have a step daughter and I have no plans to give her any inheritance of mine. My half will go to my kids and she will get a portion of DH half.

If its a tiny wedding with 15 guests, 5 kids and a baby would significantly add to the cost and change the vibe. In this scenario, I'd let DH and DD2 go, but do the most fabulous thing your budget allows with DD1 - like weekend in centre parcs, fly to New York etc.
If it's a big wedding of 80+, they are taking the fucking piss.

You think she's going to feel like a priority when her family breaks up? How do you think she's going to feel when she sees her little sister go stay with her ex-stepfather during their contact time? How do you think she's going to feel when her little sister comes home with presents or holiday souvenirs?

That's fucking awful and I say that as someone who has a truly horrific extended family. I would absolutely not be going and not allowing your youngest to be flower girl either. They could go fuck themselves and hell would freeze over before they'd be using one of my cute daughters for their photos and not the other. Arseholes. I'm livid on your behalf.

There is going to be no happy outcome for this scenario.

There is no possible solution for everyone to happy.

Relationships are going to be ruined, personally I'd rather go out with a bang and allow your daughter to go, get fittings, get the dress and then secretly book a hiliday for you and the girls, something special as suggested before like Disneyland and go a couple of days before the wedding.

Husband can go on his own, the bride will be devastated and the family will all blame you. Great.

And your daughter will know that you have her back and love her unconditionally, more than any jumped up family that thinks more of the wedding pictures than the hurt feelings of a 10 year old who was an afterthought.

He needs to attend by himself. Best way to balance all the sensitivities involved.

You should probably eat crow a bit about telling him all go or none go, it IS his brother after all. But he also needs to climb down from his insistence on taking younger DD. It's shit for the kids' relationship with each other. You can also point out to him how massively SIL2b overstepped in not clearing the invite with either parent.

Yes, I'd be paying attention to this. I'm sorry this is who he has shown you that he is.

And it's really off that his parents won't tell you how much they're suaving so that you can match it. I would find that really upsetting.

So you think she should know that the marriage broke down over her??? That’s a lot to put on a 10 year old so potentially a cause for therapy.

The not including her with things like Easter eggs is not ok, as they’re cheap so what does it matter.

But the flower girl stuff I’m on the fence about because I would probably want my niece but maybe not my step- niece? I can’t really explain it

What a stupid comment.
The child will already know she is continuously sidelined.

the parents are under no obligation to share details of their finances/savings:

maybe at some point in the future they will decide to give some to your older daughter.

you want to know so that you can decide to treat your daughters unfairly and give a different amount of your money to each one. I can see why they don’t want to tell you.

This has made my heart hurt for your poor DD.

I was the step child in my family. My mum remarried when I was 2 and had two more children and her husband made sure every single day that I knew I was not part of 'his' new family. I was treated very differently to my sisters (by him and his parents/brothers/sisters) and my mum allowed it to happen and I have never been able to forgive her for it. She finally kicked him out when I was 15 but the damage was done and I am still extremely screwed up from it all to this day and I am now late 30s.

I would absolutely not allow this to happen, both of my children would go away with me for a few days over the wedding. They would both get treated like princesses and DH and his disgusting family can be left to get on with it.

How is it a stupid comment. You think breaking up the family will be beneficial for the daughter as she will know that she is a priority. This implies you think she should know that her mum finished with her step dad due to reasons relating to her. No child should be made to feel responsible for the breakdown of a marriage.

Is your husband really going to want to be in sole charge of a five year old at his brothers wedding? Has he thought that through?
I wouldn’t go if I were you and I’d take eldest out somewhere nice.

That was my take as well.
All the fuss that the in laws are treating the kids differently and then the revelation that OP herself wants to save for one of her own kids but not the other.
The mind boggles.

The marriage is already over. Nothing to do with the child, because anyone that is incapable of protecting and prioritising ALL of the children in your care is not someone op should stay with.

She doesn't want to save for one child but not the other and you know that isn't what she said. She was quite clear, she asked how much they had saved for her youngest DD so she could try to MATCH IT (not save more) for her older DD, to make it fair, to make her feel part of the family, so she isn't left out or feels like she is loved or cared for less than her sister.

It’s really hard when you’ve got an older child who doesn’t see their father or their side of the family. My ex in-laws were always pleasant to my son but I wouldn’t have expected them to save money for him. I’d have been annoyed about the wedding though, but I’d have probably taken my child away for the weekend and do something much better. I was so glad when I ended things with my ex as I seriously couldn’t cope with the constant guilt that my son was treated differently, it was a horrible way to live.

Yes, I think this is quite relevant. How big is the wedding?

But the way the sisters will see it is that their mum has chosen to give one of them more that the other.
you have no say over how others treat your children just yourself, so all you can do is ensure you treat them fairly.

She will know that her mother prioritised her.

By taking her out of a "family" that had no regard for her.

I think you are making it worse for your eldest by making such a big deal of it. And I think it's unfair to expect grandparents/BIL to treat your child as their own family. Realistically she's not and if you and DH separate they will no longer have a relationship with your eldest. While of course they should be expected to act nice and polite, you can't expect them to save for her, divulge their finances, or make her flower girl.

Let your DH and youngest go and arrange for something fun for you and the eldest.