Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

He is going along with a plan to show her that everyone else in her family has a family but her. That’s the opposite of I’d give her my heart. ‘He is adamant younger dd is going’ so much bullshit wiht the I’d give her my heart!! Does he mean I would be kind to her as long as I didn’t have to upset any of my family in any way? Awesome.

So you would expect your ex to treat your new children with a different partner the same as your shared children as to not make all the children feel unequal?!?!?

No I thought not.

I would like the OP to state where her eldest bio paternal family are? What kind of relationship do they have?

I have said in a PP that I treat my bio nephew different to his half brothers, I am not their aunty, I am the aunt to their brother, they have there own aunts, a whole separate father and family.

like I said. The OP could de-escalate by calmly explaining to her daughter that her sisters aunt is having a wedding, and arrange something with her daughters family whilst they attend.

He says he would give her his heart if she needed one but just can’t see the fuss that I am making.

Give her his heart but not his inheritance…. 🤨

Your DH isn’t sounding great in all this. Your daughter has been in his life since she was little herself.

In my last reply I said I wouldn’t divorce over this but having read your posts again, I think I would be doubting my relationship, actually. The bit about “stepping up” and now only his blood daughter inheriting is very off.

But It's more reasonable to exclude adult step children, step children from a previous marriage, step children who don't live with the invited family, partners, and children of step-children/cousins...than it is to exclude a 10 and a 14yr old who live as sisters with the flower girls.

You may have to draw the line somewhere. I would literally draw it anywhere BUT here.

@boozeclues you are absolutely clueless. Yes she has her 'own' family on her dads side but what if they decide to exclude her too? Then where does she belong?

Ultimately you don't start a relationship with someone with a child if you can't accept that child. Maybe not as your own but as a significant, important member of the family. Not someone who can be cast out of family occasions to save on numbers.

I'm quite sure my dh loves our bio child in a different way to how he loves my dc from previous relationship. However he doesn't show it, and he would certainly never exclude them in such a horrible way. If he did it would be the end of our marriage.

From your upadates it seems a lot of the problem is that DD2 has a large, loving extended paternal family, and DD1 doesnt - this wedding is highlighting that which is very sad.

How many people are attending? Does dd2 want to be BM? my DD was a bm age 2 and i had to carry her down the aisle so she may not even want to do it! Bride should have asked you and dh before speaking to dd2, then all this could be avoided.....

when children in the family are being treated differently

But like it or not, the children ARE different. One is a blood relation. One isn't. One is a direct descendant. One is a step child.

And this is even more removed because it is involvement in the bridal party so you are talking about blood relations v. step nieces.

MiL and FiL are always nice to eldest but save for youngest, when I found this out I asked how much as I wanted to match it myself for eldest but they refused to tell me.

This is what I'm talking about. I see this as perfectly normal. Polite, nice, tolerant, respsectful because that's what decent people do but they will not view the step granddaughter in the same way as they do their own son's biological child.

Why would you expect inlaws not blood relations to see a step daughter in the same way as their own direct descendant?

There is too much head-in-the-sand pretending that a blended family is just the same to everyone but it isn't.

@stophummingthecancan I'd hate to be related to you and the pp you think was sensible. Families are one unit. That you think differently tells me you have little loyalty. I would not be able to trust you.

How has 18% said you are unreasonable??!!

I get people can have who they want at their wedding but you either invite none of the kids or both the kids. To leave one out is disgusting.

Your h talks a good game but doesn't put his money where his mouth is (literally)! His actions don't match his words. Him being adamant that your youngest dd is going, regardless of what you think, couldn't make that clearer.

Ah op I'm so sorry that's a disgusting way to treat a child and they should be ashamed of themselves.

I think you need to let this cool for a few days and then go back to your dh and ask him what he would do if eldest had been invited but youngest wasn't invited. Would he be OK with it, or would he be angry on his dds behalf that she had been excluded by a family who were meant to care about her and she had to watch her sister do lovely fun exciting things with them? If he wouldn't be cool with it then he needs to seriously think about the commitment he made, not to you but to your eldest dd when he married you and became her stepdad. To me, it's now his job to have her back just as much as younger dd and to stand up for her when she's being hurt or excluded which she is. If he can't see that his silence actively harms eldest dd then he doesn't see them the same and he is making a distinction between them. I think you need to hash this out with a really cool head on op which might be hard to do. I'd be tempted to utilise a couples counsellor to help you get your point across in a mediated setting. (Because I'd personally get angry)

I agree with others you don't want youngest to feel sad about missing out so I'd be planning something exciting instead of the wedding and I'd go directly to sil and ask her why she felt it was appropriate to ask dd without asking you first, to ask her knowing your eldest would be devastated and then why she felt it was OK to leave a 10 year old out of a wedding her entire family are going to. Id inform her that either all of you or none of you will be attending and it's up to her and bil. But you will not have a 10 Yr old excluded from a family function.

Personally I'd be really trying to get to the bottom of why your dh is persistently allowing his family to treat your dd so badly and what exactly he sees as his role as stepparent. This would be huge for me, he's your Co parent and he needs to step the fuck up. His family sound horrible and insensitive and I'd have nothing more to do with them where possible.

This has honestly made me want to cry for your poor 10 year old daughter. I hope you do divorce him. Horrible bastard.

I just do not understand this nonsense that people here seem to do of not inviting step children and sometimes even partners of their friends. Such weird bizarre behaviour. A wedding is a celebration, either do it properly and invite everyone or just do a small private ceremony. Treating your own family so appallingly is horrible.

I had 2500 ppl at my wedding but that is because we didn’t want people to feel bad or left out. I agree it is a huge number but no one was left out like this. Just outrageous!

Feel for you and your DD Op. Your DH may not realise the hurt this is causing, but it’s really shit.
It would be a deal breaker for me so I can well
understand why you feel it is for you.
They are young children ffs and I don’t understand why your DH family think this is ok

My stepson won't be inheriting my half of our estate. He has his own mother who will leave him half of her estate so he would end up much better off than my dd.
Stepson has never lived with me and there is a big age gap not sure if that makes a difference.

I'm absolutely with you on this OP. My marriage would be over as well.

Can you imagine if she were posting this on the step parent board.

I wouldn't exclude an unknown child left with a friend who is a foster carer the night before a wedding.

Never mind this scenario.

What would I do? As a retired family solicitor.

How long is that going to take to get to court.

As a mum and human being, get myself sorted, get out of there and be terribly unwell on the day.

@BackITD they have not invited her to the WEDDING

she’s right they would need to invite the other 5 if they invite one step child. I’m not sure why you think the older ones are less worthy, children are generally only invited for their parents sake. I do think they should have invited you all unless they are having a very small wedding. You don’t seem to be worried that your youngest will be upset not to be a flower girl for her families wedding though? I think you need to accept that step children can’t be treated the same in every single instance (eg denying youngest the chance for a trip out with aunt). Full siblings don’t do everything together either. You want her to be equal because she doesn’t have her dad’s family involved but that doesn’t mean unrelated adults have to accept her the same as their family unfortunately. Perhaps try her grandmother again, the crying might have been grief?

DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.

It sounds as though BIL/SIL can't afford those few extra guests, including your DD, could DH offer to pay so at least DD can attend ?

I think it is different re inheritance, when a step child sees their own other parent, will inherit from that side of the family and doesn't live with the step parent. But the OPs situation is more like an adoption, only now it's becoming apparent that neither dh or his family really see the oldest dd as his, in the same way they do the youngest.

I'd be really mad at how the in-laws keep OP out of the loop - refusing to tell her that they are saving for her child, bypassing her to ask a child directly about being a flower girl. It's very disrespectful imo.

What is breaking up the family going to solve? For the older daughter especially. She's just going to see her little sister go off even more. Visits to grandma. Family events. Holidays. Maybe even her ex-stepfather start a new family she won't be part of. Then the little child will grow up without her own family intact, to possibly become a stepchild herself. It's not fair on either of them.