Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

I’d be unhappy that dh wouldn’t stand up for his step child. I just don’t or understand why some people are willing to bow down when children in the family are being treated differently. Disgusting behaviour.

you either all go or dh goes himself.

In cases like this it should be no children at all or ALL the family children. I feel as bad for the 14-year-old SD as I do for your 10-year old. I mean that little girl doesn't even have her mom alive.

SiL and BiL are both being grade-A assholes.

Well I think they do, quite frankly. As adults we are responsible for ensuring that children grow up to feel loved and wanted, to have healthy self-esteem. Not that they feel somehow “ less than”, whether due to race, sex, religion, intelligence level, disability, or anything else they have no control over.

And what sort of warped adult excludes one child from a family anyway? The child’s genes don’t matter in the slightest. She’s still a daughter of that family. The adults need to get a grip.

(I am neither a stepmother nor a stepchild, just someone who tries to treat children with love and respect.)

Good grief, you sound awful. This is 10yr old girl who is being deliberately excluded from her family unit. Hope you don’t have children.

I'm seeing an attitude to step- children that is somewhat akin to how adopted children used to be treated

I would take the opportunity to do something really special with your 10yo and frame it as a mum and daughter day and your youngest is having a dad and daughter day.
I wouldn't be bringing tension and fighting into my home over someone else's shitty decision. You say he has otherwise stepped up, so I would let it go. It's not his event to be making demands.

I’m with you Op. They are planning to invite one of your children but not the other? What the actual fuck? What’s their beef with an innocent creation? I mean, your eldest is a child and it sounds like she’s always been treated as second class. You. Yay look out and step up for her. Your DH deserves to be binned. What a fucking pushover. Also, if DH is so close to his brother, why is the relationship with your eldest like this? He’s the adult… he’s supposed to help guide these relationships. Your poor daughter 😞

This. My DH would be packing his shit upon return from this wedding. No doubt about that! Fucking pushover.

From the response being of they invited OPs daughter they’d have to include another 5 (Bride’s stepchildren and 2 partners) I wonder if they didn’t have room or want to include the two older stepsons and then to ‘make it fair’ didn’t invite all the ‘steps’.

The issue isn't the elder daughter not being invited. She's being treated exactly the same as every other older child in the family.

The issue is OP has another child little enough to be in the bridal party. Not an invited guest.

If my sister was matron of honour, I don't get to kick off because I'm not invited to the wedding. Completely different things.

OP needs to explain to her daughter that youngest hasn't been invited. No children are invited. Bride is having two little flower girls. And this is different to guests. If OP had another older daughter and son, they wouldn't be going either. Adults are invited. And two flower girls are in the bridal party. It's an unfortunate set up that makes it look like one person in 4 has been excluded when the truth is, two are in the bridal party, and only one of the other two is an adult and therefore invited.

What's the alternative? Refuse the youngest to be a flower girl? So OP and DH and no children go? Insist eldest must be invited, and force the bride to invite 6 other children she can't afford to pay for as guests?

I wouldn’t go if I were you, however I’d let DD2 go. He can spend his day as best man looking after her too.

a lot of us don't differentiate between adopted / step / half - you are children of the family and that is enough.

unless the wider family have no hearts

But adults aren’t invited - two of the four stepchildren that have’t been invited are grown men in their 30s.

I don’t understand why no one else is getting this. They aren’t excluding children they are excluding non blood relative step nieces and step nephews.

I mean they are being fair across the board in that respect - but probably easier for the adult stepchildren to take than the two young girls.

He sounds abusive.

Total dealbreaker. We would not be going, any of us. Shocking.

But she wants two cute little flower girls for her pictures

Very weak divided response.

One sister is invited and asked to play a starring role in the ceremony. But Cinderella wasn't invited to the ball. Of course the two sisters are being separated. Do you think the elder sister won't hold it against her younger sister? The elder sister has already been crying. Even the way the bride asked the elder sister to go inside so she could speak to the younger sister alone is splitting them up. I'd take the elder DD to Euro Disney and if she wanted I'd buy her a special Princessy dress to wear too. I'd go for a week and let the spiteful bride deal with the flower girl alone because I wouldn't be party to any of it.

To not invite your eldest is awful and I can’t believe they aren’t inviting the 14 year old step daughter who lives with her sister. They wouldn’t need to invite the older 2 step children, they are clearly old enough to understand.

I would stand by saying that you and both DC will not be attending the wedding (DH can do as he likes but this is obviously going to put a strain on the relationship). How old is your youngest daughter?

Dh has now shown you who he is, in more ways than one. This is the hill to die on.

Youngest will be five at the time of wedding.

I have a flat which is rented out but rent just covers the mortgage and service charge.

DH has a house without mortgage and we share a mortgaged house. Youngest will inherit from DH and both daughters will inherit from me.

Eldest’s dad does not see her, his father died during the pandemic not of Covid though. Nobody told us for a year. Eldest’s gran can’t stop crying on the odd time she has seen her so I had to stop the visits.

I imagine that BiL initially told SiL only about his bio niece.

MiL and FiL are always nice to eldest but save for youngest, when I found this out I asked how much as I wanted to match it myself for eldest but they refused to tell me.

DH doesn’t see why I am upset about a wedding. He just doesn’t see why I am upset and what a wedding signifies. He just seems to accept that eldest isn’t related to his brother. He says he would give her his heart if she needed one but just can’t see the fuss that I am making.

He is shocked she isn’t invited though.

I don’t know how I can stop him taking youngest. He is adamant.

Dhs hands are not tied. He can’t make them invite your older dd but nor can they make him bring your younger dd, she does not have to go. I think I would understand if he went although I don’t know if our marriage would ever be the same, but my daughters and I would not go.

You're misreading the PP who referred to DDs not DD. So rather than splitting up the family over this wedding, take both kids to Disneyland instead. Personally I think it's genius and I can't stand Disney. Neatly solves the problem of younger DD being excited about the wedding - she'll be offered something equally good if not better, and without the potential of splitting the family.

Yes OP says her DH is currently putting his foot down about the younger child's participation. But surely this can be handled by a calm conversation at a later stage pointing out the inappropriateness of an invite to a child without first clearing this with both the actual parents?

Much more reasonable all around if he attends on his own.

Well it's a huge breach of etiquette to invite one pre-adolescent child to a family event, and not another one who lives in the same house as them, but that's the bride & groom just displaying a total lack of good manners and sensitivity. If they've dug their heels in about it though, there's not much to be gained from turning it into Custer's last stand. Better to wish them well (i.e. lie) and explain that DD1 will need looking after if she's not invited so you find it impossible to attend. They will reap what they sow: it will look pretty bad for them when the 'best man' gives the usual speech about "how nice it is to see everyone here today" if his own spouse is conspicuous by her absence.