Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

The entire family was invited though, everyone in the house, mum, dad, one child, not the other. So the whole house apart from one kid. Disgusting!

But sisters aren't being separated. No older children are invited as guests. Two tiny children have been asked to be flower girls in the bridal party.

One of the flower girls happens to have an older sister. This doesn't change that no older children (7 in total) are invited. It would be very different if any of those were going, because then there would be a like for like exclusion.

Don't get me wrong, I'd think it was a choice that is guaranteed to ruffle feathers. But, it's not choosing one daughter over another. Members of the bridal party aren't guests/invitees. No older children have been invited. You have to ignore the fact they are sisters because that's got nothing to do with the reason one's potentially going and one isn't.

How many are actually at the wedding and how old are the flower girls? It sounds as if it is a very small child free gathering apart from the younger two perhaps she shouldn’t have invited any children maybe that would be easier

and how come she didn’t know your daughter existed

Those saying “But it’s a child free wedding”, it’s not though is it? Regardless of how few kids are there. As far as I’m concerned, siblings come in a set, especially when the excluded one is only ten FFS. It’s not like the eldest is in her 20s with her own family and kids but also has a toddler sibling. She’s so young she cried her eyes out over this. This is very unlike me but I think it’d also be a case of “Go along with this and I’m off” purely because of the DD’s reaction.

Sorry meant stepmum/brides sister

The bride is a blood relative of one of the flower girls.

for all we know the bil fought to get his niece treated the same as the brides niece.

what if the brides niece was asked to be flower girl and both of the op’s children were excluded. Would that be better or worse?

I think you’d be pretty unreasonable to stop him going to the wedding
when he’s so close to his brother, let him and the little one go, you do
your own thing with DD.

So he's allowed to be so close to his brother, yet op's daughters arn't allowed to be close as sisters.

You really can't see can you that you are subconciously treating a step child as sub standard person, can you.

In that same vein, he should tell his brother to fuck off and realise this action is going to cause the end of his relationship.

No, this is trash behaviour. This is in no way equivalent to choosing to have a childfree wedding/ destination wedding/ dress code. They as adults knowingly excluded a 10yo child who is not going to understand this as anything but rejection. She absolutely will remember this and if they dug deep and found even a grain of emotional intelligence between them, they would know this.

She will be treated differently though, she isn’t part of the wider family of the OPs DH, she presumably has a whole other family of her own away from her half sibling too.

Why the OP can’t say “your half sister is going to HER aunties wedding”, then reach out to her other child’s biological family / dad and ask for them to babysit, take her out for the day is beyond me.

should her daughters bio family include her half sister in their own family events to not exclude the other sister, no absolutely not.

OP where is your daughters bio family, it sounds like the issue is with them as they aren’t as involved with her as her step family is with their niece

@KeenHiker All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up. why would he slag your ex off??? why cant he just say that none of you were going to the wedding?? He isnt really stepping up to the plate regarding this wedding, is he???

I think it's a horrible situation for your eldest child, and you have every right to be furious with your sister in law. But I think it's a huge over reaction to say that you will divorce your husband over something like this.

I can’t believe nobody is sticking up for that poor 14 year old either! It is really shitty behaviour. I mean she probably wouldn’t be particularly worried about going to a wedding but she must still feel excluded. YANBU

Where are you getting 7 children from?

The OP has mentioned

Her kids
DD7 - niece of the Groom - invited
DD10 - step niece of Groom - not invited

Bride’s sister’s daughter (7?) - invited
Bride’s sister’s stepdaughter 14 - not invited
Bride’s sister’s stepson 30s (plus partner and baby) - not invited
Bride’s sister’s stepson 30s (plus partner) - not invited

Who gives a fuck what bridezilla wants, there are children to be considered, she wont die if she doesn't have flower girls.

This is the kind of insanity you end up with in blended situations. People frothing that the feelings of the stepchildren matter more than anything else at all.

This is definitely something you will need to do. Your husband can't be trusted to protect your elderly DD's interest. How disappointed you must be in him. I'd probably divorce him.

There’s nothing you can do about it so no need to shit stir within the family. Just let your DH go and you have a lovely day doing something special with your oldest.

This doesn’t mean that they can’t be close as sisters.

in an ideal world they would both be invited but if the younger daughter is made to miss out on her opportunity to be flower girl due to her sister it has the potential to cause resentment in the future and may stop them being close.

Such disgusting things to say!

Your entire comment is just wrong and terribly unkind:
That child will most likely never forget the awful way she's been treated.
That child is something to do with the bride. She's still a member of the family the bride is marrying into.
I think you have the familial relationships confused. It's not her brother who chose to marry someone with a child- It's her fiance's brother.

You really can't see how wrong it is to invite 3 members of a family and leave out 1 child, just because she is not blood? She doesn't have to be a flowergirl, but to just treat her as if she doesn't exist is so bad-mannered. How does the BIL and his bride think she'll feel- the rest of her family would be dressing up and going to a special family celebration while she has been completely excluded? How do they think the 14-year-old from the bride's side will take being excluded, too? There will be memories, pictures, dancing and flowers and wedding cake slices and both of these girls will be left out of all of it. The BIL has set the precedent to pretend the DSD doesn't exist, and the bride is following along. Never mind how much resentment and bad feelings this causes in the flowergirl's family. Not to mention causing the younger daughter to think of her sister differently and to feel guilty that she, herself, is treated better.

This whole situation is shitty, and it would have taken so little to prevent it.

I hope you are never treated this way; from experience, it stinks.

How children feel and what they absorb from the adults around them, is actually the most important thing. It should be the primary consideration for the two people who are parenting them at any rate. And an adult, who could spare them hurt by making a tiny adjustment, but who chooses not to, is a dick.
If nothing else the b&g should consider how their choices impact on their siblings.

Shit, just realised the little cute flower girl is 7! Just a little bit younger than her excluded sibling. That’s not even flower girl age if we’re being pedantic. I was under the impression she had two little three year olds as flower girls… This makes it even worse. Horrible woman.

It's not nearly as nasty as excluding a 10 year old but making giving her younger sister a starring role.

I'd say let things cool down for a couple of days then approach it with your DH again. It's fine for them to invite who they want but it is also fine for you to turn down the invites. I'd tell him he can go alone but if one DD can't go then neither can. If he can't respect that then he clearly doesn't view your DD in the same way as he views your joint DD and that would, unless swiftly rectified, be a divorce matter for me. The point surely is not that if they invite your DD they have to invite other stepkids, it's that they invite their siblings kids or they don't, they can't pick and choose who comes of the kids, only do they come or not.

How old is your youngest ? It’s worth pointing out to your OH that there will be no one to look out for her on the day, ie getting her to the venue, dressed in her outfit , safely into the bridal cars, looked after in the church, safely to the reception, fed, watered, entertained during the boring bits, when she gets tired etc etc. as he will be doing his best man stuff and you will be off some where with your eldest having quality time.

F**k them I would cut them completely off my life and the girls life’s ! What a waste of oxygen and your husband should be supporting you not against you . I would be fuming too

No, op doen't expect her to be a flower girl, just that she is not the only one excluded from the wedding in their family.

So how would that go, yes sister you outfit looks great, yes dad you look dapper, mommy you look fantastic being all dressed up.

Bye then have a nice time without me, she's 10, she's going to be heartbroken.