Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

You would walk away from your husband and father of his child over something outside of his control (he can’t control who his brother invites). Yes he could decide not to go but that is pretty extreme

Weddings are expensive, if they never really bother with your eldest I can see why they wouldn’t pay for her to attend. But also you are under no obligation to go. Just let your dh go with DD as flower girl and you can stay home with your eldest or have a fun weekend somewhere while they attend the wedding. I definitely wouldn’t be having a row with my dh over it

I wonder what her sisters 14yr old is expected to do that day?
I feel for her too and if her mum isn't fuming too I would be shocked.

Sorry, just to clarify, you're saying who gives a fuck who the actual bride wants. In her own bridal party. At her own wedding. As if she should be planning her wedding around other people getting cross that she isn't inviting 7 unrelated children (because if you invite one, you have to invite the other six).

Those other people don't have to like it, but she's having a child free wedding, bar asking two tinies to be flower girls.

DH is the best man? The fall out and drama it would cause for him to withdraw as his brothers best man would be huge. And something his parents and brother might not forgive him for. And judging by OP threatening to divorce him over this, I would be reluctant if I was him to cut himself off from his family. She could threaten the same if he did something else to offend her in the future, then he would have no-one.

Her mum is dead.

It sounds like it's just a child free wedding with 2 cute little flower girls, which is fairly common.
Your backstory about them not 'distinguishing' either of your children before this enforces the idea that they are not particularly interested in children and would want a child free wedding.
Maybe try to find out if there are any other children going before jumping to divorcing your DH?

Oh wow, that is absolutely appalling.

The bride is off the scale.

Yes, exactly this. OP is not the only one who's child isn't invited. None of the children are invited. The problem is, two tinies have been asked to be flower girls. But that's not actually being invited to the wedding, that's inherently part of the bridal party for pictures. It would have been better if she chose only children for the flower girls.

it gets worse - 14 yo's bio mum is dead. i can't imagine a sm that would think this is ok. bit then i couldnt believe anyone would vote for boris jonson

I'd be telling him very clearly if he allows youngest to go and be a flower girl he's telling your older child she deserves to be treated differently. That he thinks it's fine for her not to even be invited while her sister is favourited to be a flower girl. He saw how upset she was, does he not understand that allowing this will fuck his relationship with her forever? She'll never look at him the same. I'd also ask him to explain to her personally why he thought it was OK and why he's going along with it. If he can't do that then clearly he knows how fucked this is. He can go if he wants, but if he wants a relationship with his step daughter it will be alone.

After your up dates it's clear this is a childfree wedding bar the expectation of two neices on either side. The couple don't have children themselves. They don't want to extend it to step children because then that opens the doors for friends children and their step children's partners and their dc. When does it stop. The 14 year isn't invited either so it's not a slight on your child but I expect to limit numbers and drama from people asking if their dc can come. Do they actually have a relationship with your dd? Does she call them auntie and uncle? Does she call mil grandma? Or is it a first name basis. I wouldn't expect my ds to be invited to a wedding on my dh side of them and he hasn't attended weddings on his stepmother side either yet his siblings have attended even when one was a flower girl.

Well at least she’s being consistent in her guest list. Wouldn’t it be worse if the 14yr old was invited too?

At the end of day it’s her wedding so her prerogative, you kicking and screaming won’t change that, it might make her double down more. Don’t blame your DH for that. I think you’d be pretty unreasonable to stop him going to the wedding when he’s so close to his brother, let him and the little one go, you do your own thing with DD.

This is really appalling. I was 9 or 10 when my stepdad came on to the scene and 12 when my mum married him and they had a baby. He and his entire family treated me as one of their own - there was never a difference between me and my sister (other than in an age sense). Neither my mum or stepdad would have allowed me to be excluded in this way, it's just cruel.

Jesus there are some mean people on this thread. What kind of person rejects a ten year old from a family event. What kind of person admits they would have ‘no interest’ in a step relation??? So cold. Glad I’m not related to (or know you)

It would show the family is united and sisters can't be separated.

Even if OP does something fun with her oldest dd, this is about the message it sends to that child if her step dad doesn't stand up for her. They are a family unit - excluding one person from a household is really off.

Yes, who gives a fuck what the bride wants, she's more of a child than the excluded stepchildren, she'll have to suck it up.

Personally if she wants a a child free day then, have a child free day.

This woman isn't blood to the flower girls, she pretending that these children are important so as to gell within this warped family, who are willing to facilitate this.

Op's two children are sisters, this will impact their relationship going forward, op's child who is the flower girl will have been favoured and by the looks of it always will be.

This bride's a nightmare if she can't see the schisms she's opening up, what's a wedding day, not a great deal compared to the harm that could be done to children.

Honestly some people shouldn't be allowed near step children.

I would have lost all respect for him and it would be over.

But OP has not said it’s a child-free wedding.

She’s said that the stepchildren of the Groom’s brother and the Bride’s sister are not invited.

That’s the OP’s daughter, and from the Bride’s side a 14-year old girl and two grown men in their 30s (plus their partners and a baby).

So far all we know is they don’t want any of the step niece and nephews there whether they are adults or children.

I agree with this about a tiny action putting al this right or rather preventing it in the first place. And I don’t mean the eldest should also have a role in the bridal party. I just wouldn’t have any of them (OP’s girls, I mean) as flower girls/bridesmaids for fairness, if I couldn’t possibly have an older bridesmaid in her 10yo.

Bride sounds pathetic/selfish who wants an even number of cute flower girls though and is willing to cause a family rift over this.

I put yabu because from what you’ve posted it sounds like it was inevitable whereas you sound shocked. In fact what is more surprising is that your youngest dd was asked to be a flower girl when you say they’ve shown zero interest in her either. (For the gram?!)

They clearly aren’t people who like children particularly, and they haven’t singled out your daughter because they’ve done the same to someone else as well. I honestly would just take a step back from it, wave your dh and dd2 off to the wedding and do something lovely with your dd1.

How are the rest of his family with her?

glad someone else picked up on this, "broken home" to refer to parents that are no longer together sounds like something that would be tutted out by a disapproving nun on call the midwife, not a phrase actually used in 2024!

It’s very tough though as if he stops the younger one going/being flower girl then the younger one may hold it against him and ruin their relationship.

there will be lots of times where one sibling with be offered an opportunity where the other is and it’s impossible to make it fair for both. Fair could be seen as only allowing things they can both do but in actual fact that isn’t fair on the one who is losing out on an opportunity purely due to their sibling.

note, I do agree that it’s horrible that the older one was excluded.

Your husband is not standing up for you and your kids, your supposed to be his family, sounds like his “real” family will always come first. He would rather upset you and your eldest than his brother.

I would leave, if his brother comes first and that’s what his choosing, there are consequences to his actions, just like there should be consequences to his brothers actions, he is choosing loosing you rather than saying something to them!