Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

Yes they would need to invite the other step niece but not the adult boys. I assume your eldest is still a child, it is incredibly cruel to not invite a minor child who is in your household and have her sister as flower girl. I would be absolutely incredulous and I would not be attending and neither would either of my children. End of story.

It seems to be the other way round on mn. Stepdads family must treat them the same but step mums family shouldn’t have to.

I doubt the OP knows her husband's, brother's, fiancee's, sister's, husband's first daughter well enough to take her away to Euro Disney...

@Broodywuz
I'm sure you didn't mean to be unkind when you said "Unfortunately I think it's just one of those things you have to navigate when you have a broken family"

That and another old, offensive term, broken home, have been or should be replaced by blended family and single-parent family. Can you see the message it sends to a child when their family is referred to in the old way? How it makes the parent feel? They aren't broken, they just aren't a 2-parent family.

I hope you choose different, kinder words in the future. As a child, it would've made a world of difference to me.

I can sort of follow your logic here but I don't agree with it at all. I might if the the step-daughter lived elsewhere and was not taken under DHs wing as his child. But she has been, so the bride is for all intents and purposes choosing just one of her brother's children to have at her wedding and not caring that the other feels excluded and hurt.

Ultimately of course it is her wedding and her call, but she's put her brother in a horrible position where he has to choose who to let down.

It's the groom that's OP's DH family.

It’s a 10 year old not a toddler. A 10 year who if the bride was being inclusive could’ve been asked to be bridesmaid along with the 14 year old.

I’ve been at weddings with 10 and 11 year olds and one was an older flower girl. Yes, she was a bit awkward but she enjoyed herself. The 11 year old was a guest at another wedding and absolutely fine along with another 12 year old guest. At the first year old 3 girls under 9 youngest about 4 were there, they were fine but ran around rocks on a stream (Kilver Court) which had a few hearts in mouths moments but parents minded them.

the parents of the step child are under no obligation to be interested or care about the bride. Relationships are two-way.

Agree totally. Siblings usually are interested in and care about their siblings. No one should expect an acquired brother/sister in law who marries their sibling to care about them - why should they? It's just an unasked for addendum to the spouse that you may like or you may not. Same is true of step children. If you are lucky you like them and have a good relationship but that's just luck not obligation or right.

I certainly would have zero interest in any step kids that came with siblings partner. I'd be polite and not rude but I really wouldn't care or be interested.

I know if you live in a blended family world and you have your own children that are step children to someone else that you can't conceive of the idea that some people really may not be interested in them or care about them at all - but it's life. Just as an interest in a child that is actually your sibling's child that has part of your own parents DNA in them is probably more realistic.

There was a post recently where the child had turned round to the mum saying that she was really angry with her for stopping her from being a bridesmaid and attending a family wedding because the older half siblings weren’t invited and that she had effectively caused her to have no relationship with her dads family.
The consensus was that the woman had been unreasonable and shouldn’t have stopped the daughter attending and having a relationship with her dads family.

Sorry, but this is bloody stupid.
Are you, the people deciding, all adults?
Just tell him to use some F common sense, given he's actually got one. 😠

What? How is it not his fault? He has a family - him, his wife, his step daughter, and his daughter. How is it ok that a TEN year old is shunted out as not part of that family? What makes it worse is that he has apparently been the girl’s main father as he’s had to “step-up”. It would be different if they only had the step kid EoW and she was older and she had not been met by brother and sil. But that’s not the case. She has been part of his family (guessing by age probably since she was at least 5) and now she’s been literally told she is not seen as part of the family.

its not his fault his brother and sister in law have been awful but it is his fault that he’s turning on his wife and step daughter to support them.

A bit of an over reaction to threaten divorce, what has your husband done. People see blended families very differently unfortunately, it can take extended families much longer to understand you are a family unit when a child has another biological parent.

"Er... the bride gives a fuck what she wants. It's her wedding and she can do what she likes. She doesn't have to have a child that is nothing to do with her at all involved in her wedding if she doesn't want to"

But the bride is marrying into the family so is not a blood relative and technically has nothing to do with either child other than choosing to favor one in a family over the other.

There would be no way past this for me. The relationship would be over.

I wouldn’t go, nor would I let my younger child be involved, if my other child was excluded. I’d expect my husband to understand that and stand by his children.
Shit situation but it’s a pattern of excluding your eldest which is absolutely unacceptable and must make her feel awful.

I have been a SM since our eldest was 7 - he is nearly 24. He is adopted, so not only SS but no 'blood' ties. I find the idea that this young man who I love and adore the same as my bio kids should ever have been excluded because he isn't 'blood' really offensive.

Luckily, our friends and family on both sides are not cnuts so this would never have been an issue.

You can totally refuse to let your dd attend.

DH is up to him, I'm afraid.

Agree. Great answer.

Ok fine. But even taking this completely bullshit attitude, the bride should understand that it's completely unacceptable to invite the whole family except the ten year old. The gride and groom have invited the dad, mum, little sister and not the older sister, that's completely fucked up. Imagine excluding a child while inviting their siblings just because they were adopted. This would obviously be deranged. The OP thinks that her DH considers the eldest daughter like his own. Of course she's upset. Also shocking about the fourteen year old, poor girl's mum has died and the bride's own sister is the main mother figure (I'm assuming, since they live together). It's really callous not to invite her.

I really profoundly disagree with the whole "my perfect day" Instagram fuelled wedding selfishness anyway. It's fine to have some compromises at a wedding to not be a complete arsehole to your own family. You say you just wouldn't care about a sisters step kids - fine. I don't particularly care about my sister's or friends partners, but I'd still invite them to my sodding wedding if I was inviting all the other partners of people, it's just basic manners.

@Terfarina

anyone else thinking BackITD has to be the bride? surely no one really thinks this is OK?

Don't be stupid. I am not the bride. Plenty of people have the same views because people's opinions about step children and blended families differ. Some of my posts on this thread have a few likes/thanks btw so I'm definitely not the only one.

The nature of a thread like this is that it will have a lot of people posting in the same position who can't accept that their child isn't the centre of the universe or that the new step 'in law' family will be naturally more interested in the biological childre of their own son/daughter/brother/sister.

It's not that unusual for people to think like this. It's just not going to be articulated to those with step children for obvious reasons. Most people are polite and will tolerate the step children whatever they are thinking inside.

It's events like this and decisions like this that throw a spotlight on feelings that are usually more below the surface and hidden.

It comes up in inheritance as well - you only have to see the tons of threads about people leaving money to the biological children/grand children and not the step children/step grandchildren.

It’s child free wedding. I know a few people who’ve had the same, and it always causes drama. But tbh, if they want a child free wedding,then that’s upto them. Youngest is obviously there due to being flower girl. I think you’re feeling badly about it because of previous issues where you feel your eldest has been sidelined. But if you think of this in isolation, being a child free wedding, then surely you can see the reason behind it?

Pretty pathetic to want to divorce over this, He may take you up on it if you are always this controlling.

I don't think that you should try and prevent your DH or your DD going but I certainly wouldn't go myself. I think it is really bad behaviour to not invite children/step children of close family. Obviously they can do what they want but they obviously don't care about having a good relationship with their family. Probably your SIL sister isn't impressed either.

His hands are not tied. He is perfectly able to say to his brother "I'm very sorry, but I have two daughters, and either both of them are invited or none of us will be attending".

I have DC from first marriage. And DC from 2nd. DH would not allow his stepchildren to be excluded from anything.

I this a micro wedding? Is an extra 10 Yr old and a 14 Yr old really a problem.
I agree with you no need to think about the adult step kids