Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

‘Sorry I can’t come because I’m looking after DD who as you know isn’t invited’ + day out together! This is really shit behaviour - weddings seem to make some people incredibly self obsessed and spiteful.

But this is a child free wedding!! The only children are the daughter of the bride as a flower girl, and OP's little daughter, because she's little! And people like little flower girls. They are in the bridal party, and not guests/invitees.

5 other older children aren't being invited as well as OP's older child.

They haven't excluded her daughter, they've excluded all children except two tinies in the bridal party.

I find this really shocking. I wouldn’t divorce over it but there is no way either of my daughters would be at that wedding.

hang on, your husband is best man, younger daughter is a flower girl and older one ISNT INVITED! how about you, are you invited?

But this is a child free wedding!! This is a red herring.

I would not attend a weding where one of my kids was excluded whilst the rest of the family was invited.

If you want a tasteless and soulless child free wedding, don't choose bridesmaids who have siblings. Pick only children.

Me too. Honestly invite all kids and pay for an entertainer to entertain them, the poor 10 year old, way to make her feel left out.

I have no idea who else is invited.
The groom is my DH’s brother. He and sister-in-law have no children. The other flower girl is her niece, her sister’s daughter. However, the sister has a fourteen year old stepdaughter who lives with them ( her mother is dead) AND two stepsons from her much older husband’s first marriage. They are in their thirties with partners and one has a baby ( I think not with his current partner).
DH did clarify with his brother about my eldest but was told they would have to invite 3 stepkids of SiL’s sister and their partners.
While I haven’t given any thought to wedding prep. DH is capable of everything and Mil would I am sure look after her. She is not a child who would ever misbehave.

Who gives a fuck what bridezilla wants, there are children to be considered, she wont die if she doesn't have flower girls.

Just have her own child be a flower girl and don't invite her neice because it would be obvious the mother wouldn't come without her first daughter.

Who the hell would attend a wedding and leave one of their daughters behind, she's already cried her eyes out over this, so it's an impossible situation for the op. It's her child

She can no longer remain friends with his family, she has to step up herself and show her eldest daughter the solidarity she needs from a mother.

My DH is shocked but can’t see a way forward and as he keeps saying, the step kids on the other side means his hands are tied.

We had something like that, not over flowers girls though.

I didn’t stop DH going to his sister’s wedding but DS (his son) and I went for a day out instead. His family probably have forgiven me about that by now, but we split a short year after the wedding, because the problem was not that the bride was having a bridezilla moment, the problem was that DH had allowed his family to pick and mix and exclude at leisure for years even when it was really damaging our relationship so his sister’s wedding was just the straw that broke the camel’s back and what I learned from that was that:

• He was never going to put his own family first
• He was never going to stop the nonsense and,
• most importantly, that I could say no, and walk away… and I did.

Throwing your ex's behaviour at you is shitty. As is his attitude that he's some kind of hero for 'stepping up', like it's an onerous chore and you should be grateful!
If he'd really stepped up, he wouldn't allow his step child to be excluded. As for his insistence that youngest dd will be at the wedding, that's him putting you back in your box.

When push comes to shove, he doesn't have you or tour child's back. I'd not be able to forgive this if he truly thinks that he's said to you.

You can't expect extended family to love your child like their own but anyone who singles out a child and treats them as less, is an arsehole. If family is only blood, I'd decline to have anything to do with the in-laws. Reap as you sow and all that!

Talk to your husband (calmly). Maybe he hasn't thought all this through from your oldest child's perspective and has lashed out because you two are arguing over this. But if his view is really entrenched , I don't think I could forgive that.

His hands are not tied, sil doesnt have to have 2 flower girls. He can go to the wedding alone.

I wonder how the sister with the 14yo feels. not inviting the adult step kids is entirely different, leaving out the 14 yo and your 10 yo sucks.

I would definitely want to do something brilliant with your daughter, and the 14 yo if you know her. 5 star minibreak in London, eurodisney, whatever they would love

I have to say, I don't think I could ever get over such behaviour from BIL/SIL. Bye bye future babysitting etc

I would message them myself and say that you and your youngest won’t be attending.

That's not the point it's about her not being included in a family celebration.

Bollocks would they ‘have to’ invite the adult step DC and partners!

And its pretty mean not to invite SIL’s teen DC when her younger sibling is a flower girl too.

Who gives a fuck what bridezilla wants, there are children to be considered, she wont die if she doesn't have flower girls.

Er... the bride gives a fuck what she wants. It's her wedding and she can do what she likes. She doesn't have to have a child that is nothing to do with her at all involved in her wedding if she doesn't want to - because it's her wedding. It's her day and she can damn well do what she likes. Why should she be held to ransom because a little girl is a bit upset and having a sulk? She'll get over it.

The bride had no control over her brother's decision to have a relationship with someone who already had a child. She's under no obligation to be interested in or care about the step child - any more than she is actually in respect of her biological nieces or nephews.

This is madness suggesting that the whims and upset of a girl who has no direct connection to the bride should dictate who gets to be a flower girl at her wedding. If OP & the brother got divorced, the SIL would probably never see the step daughter again. Suggesting this is a basis to never speak to the inlaw family again is a huge overreaction. This really won't matter to this girl probably in 12 months let alone 10 years.

Yes, I also wonder if her sister will allow her 14 year old step child who lives with her to be excluded. Of course b&g don't have to invite sisters adult step kids who don't live with her, if they invite the 14 year old who does (and OP's dd). That's a bullshit excuse - if they can invite your dh snd dd, then they clearly have no issue with leaving people out!

My answer to this would be:

How the other family choose to respond is up to them, only our family is our business. This is not acceptable for our family - either both our children attend or neither. We are a family.

are you off your rocker?

if this couple have kids then this is a cousin to them, the 10 yo is not someone that is nothing to do with them. Neither is the 14yo.

Jeez

While the bride isn't obliged to care about OP's dd, she is supposed to care about her guests comfort and them having a good time. And it's a special sort of person who can deliberately hurt a child's feelings when a tiny little action would make the world of difference.

She's under no obligation to be interested in or care about the step child But taking this shitty approach means the parents of the step child are under no obligation to be interested or care about the bride. Relationships are two-way.

This is madness suggesting that the whims and upset of a girl who has no direct connection to the bride should dictate who gets to be a flower girl at her wedding. The reality is that the parents of a child get to choose whether to accept or decline an invitation.

I wonder how the sister with the 14yo feels. not inviting the adult
step kids is entirely different, leaving out the 14 yo and your 10 yo
sucks.

I should imagine she's come to terms with the dynamics of this family, I bet. Fourteen year olds are clued up, especially considering this poor lass has no mother, and her sepmother is actually a blood sibling of the golden family.

There's always people on the peripheries of these facist families, the outsiders.

Get away and offer that poor step daughter friendship and sanctuary if she ever needs it.

anyone else thinking BackITD has to be the bride? surely no one really thinks this is OK?

If the OP is serious about divorcing him then it will probably be obvious to all parties pretty quickly that "raising her as if she was his own" was a fiction all along.

"Who is the other flower girl in the picture?" "Oh that was Jim's then-wife's DD, they divorced shortly after and we never saw her again" (that's not a serious reason not to invite a child if you want to, of course, just an illustration that the relationships is purely contingent).

Not all step parents disappear from their SCs' lives on divorce, but the ones who stick around are a tiny minority.