By this point I’m almost convinced that most of them are secret operatives for the Republican cause and they have but one mission - to bring the Monarchy down by behaving as badly and madly as possible.
They’ve probably got a secret HQ on a Caribbean island where they have regular clandestine meet-ups.
Picture the scene. Kate and Pippa are on a pristine beach sipping Margaritas.
‘Pipps, I’m feeling better now but I wish Comms would stop pestering me about sending a message personally to the little people.’
‘Yes, they’ve got a blimmin’ nerve!’
‘And why is Mummy pretending to be shocked that Uncle Gary is going into the Big Brother House? It’s sure to set the cat amongst the pigeons. Such fun!’
‘Hang on, Kate, I’ve just got to go and change into another bikini!’
Harry and Meghan will jet in shortly. The whole gang want to thank Harry for his recent contribution - an audacious double Atlantic hop with a quick police cavalcade dash to Papa’s house for an air kiss in the middle of it.
Of course Camilla has been huffing and puffing at the whole house of cards for decades. Inspired by Harry, she’s hoping to expand her carbon footprint by joining the others for further plotting.
Back in Blighty, Andrew is doing his bit too. He’s muscling his way to the front of the pack and proffering his bone dry palm to upstanding, establishment figures. Members of the clergy are a particular target.
Even William is managing to look a little shady.
Only Charles, Anne and the Edinburghs are clinging on to propriety.
Meanwhile the British public is proving very difficult to rouse.
‘We’ve always chosen our high-profile representatives on the world stage like this! Yes, it’s like sticking your hand in the Scrabble bag and hoping for the best - sometimes you get a good tile and sometimes not so much. But it’s tradition and what can you do?!’