He says I need to fix up and clean the house before he gets home

[hayley3212]

His words.

Him being my partner, soon to be husband, and father of our 1 year old. He said things need to change and he doesn't want to come home to an untidy house each day. I don't disagree with him on that and I would love for things to be tidier too, but I'd like to know how that is even possible.

He works full time, leaves the house at 5am to go to the gym everyday and from there he works 8-6 and is home by 7. When he's home he normally cooks dinner for us whilst I put our son to bed.

I don't work but am at uni full-time, where I'm meant to spend around 30-40 hours a week studying. Our son is in childcare 3 days a week for 10 hours a day. During these days I attend lectures and seminars, study and work on assignments etc. Sometimes I will be at home and not actually at uni, if for instance, there is a reading week/term break and sometimes I just prefer staying at home to study. I pick our son up at 6 and am home with him by 6:15, then we usually play, I breastfeed him and just chill (as it's been so long since I've seen him and I really miss him on these days.) I don't have much time to clean and tidy because I am doing my uni work, of course I do still take time in the day to do this but it does mean less time studying so I try to be quick.

The other 2 days a week I'm at home with my son just the two of us. I say at home, but I try to spend as little time at home as possible. This is because I get really over stimulated being at home with him all day so I take him out to parks mainly because I like being in nature, and we also go to soft play and libraries sometimes too. I do normally take him home for his lunch and nap so theoretically I could use nap time to tidy up but honestly I normally end up napping with him or watching Netflix on the sofa. It sounds silly but I really look forward to nap time because its time for me to just chill or sleep, and the thought of cleaning during that time is just not appealing. Our son has never slept through the night and he's nearly 2. I'm talking waking multiple times every night, so I am exhausted most the time and because he only wants boob and his dads got to get up early, I do all the night settling.

On weekends my partner does help with the cleaning and tidying. But its weekdays he has an issue with. I completely get the wanting to come home to a clean and tidy house, I mean, who wouldn't? But its the expectation that I can and should make this happen, whilst also implying I am lazy for not being able to achieve this, which I take issue with. Our house is definitely not neglected. I tidy up and clean EVERYDAY yet its still a mess. The more time I'm at home with my son, the more mess created, but if I'm out with him a lot then there's no time to tidy up. It almost feels like what he is asking is impossible.
In his eyes, having a couple of glasses in the sink and some crumbs on the kitchen counters is messy. But in my eyes, it's not that deep because I know how many countless glasses and plates I've already just washed up and put away and I probably also cleaned the surfaces an hour ago. He doesn't see this though, he will only notice the things I've not done.

I hoover most days, I do all the laundry, I clean the toilet everyday, make the beds up. I don't mind doing these things but I don't know how much more I can do without sacrificing my uni work or time with my son.

YABU - you could do more, especially when toddler naps
YANBU- he needs to chill out

No he makes a right mess and I'm the one who cleans it up.

On the days when my son's in childcare the mess is usually from the morning or sometimes even the night before. And no, no dishwasher.

“Tell him that just like night wakings aren't a priority for him, tidying isn't a priority.”

Ridiculous advice because what if he then turns round and says “no problem, well I’ll pay a cleaner to come and keep the house tidy, and I’ve now decided that funding the entire family isn’t a priority for me, so pay your half of the bills or move out and I’ll just pay you child maintenance” (which will be FAR less than OP currently benefits from with all living expenses paid plus childcare).

At the very least OP needs to bide her time here because she’s going to be far worse off if he decides to fuck off and suddenly she’s on her own with a 2 year old, no money, nowhere to live and having to leave the degree anyway to start earning a wage.

That doesn’t mean it isn’t a luxury to be able to continue, for the vast majority of people having a child means that they have to come out of full time education and get a job- any job- in order to put food on the table and a roof over their heads.

Vast majority? Do you have any research to back this up?

But a great dad like this guy is going to have his child 50:50 I’m sure.so the OP can study in the 3.5 days a week she will have all to herself. And she will so be refreshed from getting 3.5 nights sleep a week.

She will be eligible for some benefits.

Why wouldn’t that be better for her?

Don't marry this man. He will get worse not better.

Get a cleaner.

You clean the toilet every day!! I think it's time your soon-to-be 'D'H cleaned it.

Many years ago Shirley Conran wrote a book called Superwoman (the one where she famously said 'Life's too short to stuff a mushroom.'). In it, she described her favourite cartoon: it showed a man, just home from work, briefcase in hand, standing in the kitchen doorway looking horrified. In the kitchen there is chaos: pans boiling over, stuff everywhere, taps running, a toddler tipping something over himself, a baby crawling across the floor. In the midst of all this is a woman sitting at the kitchen table with her feet up and a large glass of wine in her hand. The caption is, "I thought the best way of letting you know what on earth it is I do all day was not to do it."

You should try that, @hayley3212 .

OP is 20/21. Did you not read that part?

@hayley3212 Do continue your studies. This may not be a life-long-union for you.

I am sure there are different ideas of housekeeping at play but someone so young, caring for a baby and studying full time shouldn't be expected to adhere to the standards of someone older and who attends the gym daily.

I wouldn't like my daughter to be in a situation like this.

Oh yeah it would be much better for her of course, 50/50 so no child maintenance, no roof over her head or place for her baby to sleep on her 3.5 nights, having to study WITH her child on her 3.5 days if mid week because he won’t be funding that childcare anymore. You’re right, that would be much better for OP & a much easier life for her and her child than just doing a quick 15 min tidy on an evening :s

I certainly never had time for a nap or Netflix when I was at home with kids...

Hold up, you’re cleaning up after his cooking every night? Clearing up is the main hassle of cooking ; the actual cooking bit is easy. And with no dishwasher that’s knocking on into the next day (and the glasses next to the sink).

I would suggest that you say you’ll make an effort to keep on top of the tidying during the day if he can leave the kitchen clean after cooking at night.

If he does that, he's as abusive as fuck and she's better off out of it.

The OP is not a servant. Partners in relationships don't get to make demands of each other. That's not how it works.

OP, I must admit to being worried for you. Do you have any family support?

This is not a situation I'd like my DD to be in when she's your age.

Don't marry him. Do change the locks. Or move.

Haven't RHT, but don't you deal with crumbs and wash up as you go? Seems odd to walk away from a bench and leave it crumby. I think he might have a point about the kitchen, if he has to clean it every night, before he can start cooking tbf. He doesn't sound lazy, given he cleans on his days off. It's really hard when we are obviously only hearing your side of this story.

When one partner is working full time 10 hour days to pay the bills, paying for childcare to make sure OP can keep studying, cooking evening meals, doing their fair share of cleaning etc on a weekend, it’s hardly a “demand” to ask for the house to not be a state when he comes home, nor is it unreasonable.

Relationships are all about give and take.

Tell him to pay for a cleaner 2 hours a week and just leave the superficial cleaning to you. That's what we did when we had our second DC and I was overwhelmed.

Tbh the fact that he encouraged a 19 year old uni student to keep a baby, when he is much older...says all you need to know about him. He's a selfish knob and has remained one.

Where were your parents? Did they not try to get you away from this person? ..I guess its easier said than done to diswade a teenager in love but I would have fought tooth and nail to do so if I was your mum.

I know it seems like he's kept his word regarding supporting you whilst you study. So it may be that he's 'just' plain selfish, instead of flat out controlling.

But be aware this could be the sign of controlling behaviour. Trying to make you feel you owe him a tidy house or (next up) owe the kid to spend more time with them so you are persuaded to drop your course. Do not do that.

Best case scenario, he sees your uni work as less important. And it's not. You're studying for the future of the family. So you can work too. To bring in two good incomes. You're also a young mother to a young child and not his own personal housemaid.

My gut feeling is he's setting you up to fall off the pedestal he's had you on. And it gets very bad from there. He hasn't married you so you've little protection from losing everything.

Suggest you get a cleaner in twice a week and you'll know what's what. If he kicks off at the idea you'll know he actually was just trying to make you do more work as opposed to actually being bothered about the house being clean. Often that's where abuse starts, exhausting you so you have to start giving up things that are important to you in order to do what they want.

I hope I'm wrong but just be on guard. Read up on red flags of how to spot abuse. Learn all about narcissistic abuse (doctor ramani on YouTube is great). The whole health obsession he has (assuming it's not related to his job) could also be part of a narcissists image obsession.

I'm not planning on leaving him over this, that would be a massive over reaction so I have no idea of knowing how he would react if we split, it's not something either of us have spoken about.

I do have family support ish, I'm super close with my sister but my other siblings are all much younger and still live at home. My relationship with my mum broke down when I was pregnant, she's never supported my decision to keep my baby or be with his dad (mainly due to his age and also culture clashes). I'm not even sure if she will come to our wedding. I do have a good relationship with my dad, although he wasn't exactly happy either, he respects my decisions and keeps his opinions to himself. He once told me 'whatever I tell you to do, you will do the opposite,' 😅

The OP was 19 when he got her pregnant. He was older.

He made promises, which presumably she relied upon when making a decision to continue the pregnancy. Otherwise she might have chosen not to go ahead and would instead be living a carefree student life/starting her first independent job/going travelling, with no huge life commitments.

I used to teach 19 yos. Many are very, very young in outlook, as compared to say, a 30yo. Many have very little life experience.

This is not the usual situation of one partner in an equal relationship taking a step back to facilitate the other partner.

There is so much potential for exploitation in this situation. The OP should not be made to feel on eggshells in her own home because she's exhausted and has a nap.

You are talking about the type of mess that takes 10 mins to sort out. Could you take 2 or 3 5-min breaks from your essay writing and deal with the mess then? I'd add some stretching exercises too. It will be good for you.

OP, are you worried about his reaction if you don't do as he says?

@hayley3212 I can see both sides of this to be honest . How old is you DP op ?

Thank goodness some more level headed posts are being made. I’m actually quite concerned at the level of high drama coming at her from all angles. She’s only young for goodness sake. When I was her age (21/22), I was quite highly influenced by what people told me and made some rash decisions off the back of it as young people do.

She’s not said he is a drunk or a drug addict or an abuser or a dosser. He’s not cheating, stolen her money, hurt their child or pet. He’s just asked her to clean up the home for when he gets back. Of which, can be compromised on, talked about, sorted, found a solution to.

When do you get to do exercise for hours while he looks after your child?
How did your relationship with this older man come to be?
If he has an ex wife, how does he describe her?

Marry him for security but only if he has more assets than you, then divorce him asap.

Yes, I would love to hear his side. I can’t imagine what op means by a couple of crumbs and 2 glasses. If this is true then he is an ahole. However there are massive clues that this isn’t entirely the case.

hHe is out of the house by 5, returns at 7 and cooks dinner. This man is no slouch. He has also paid for childcare so that op is child free 3 days a week. That is enough time for
uni work and cleaning. He also does his share of cleaning at the weekend when he has more time.

I suspect that they both have different ideas about what a clean tidy house looks like. It is unfair of op to come on here knowing that we are all usually in the side of the woman.