He says I need to fix up and clean the house before he gets home

[hayley3212]

His words.

Him being my partner, soon to be husband, and father of our 1 year old. He said things need to change and he doesn't want to come home to an untidy house each day. I don't disagree with him on that and I would love for things to be tidier too, but I'd like to know how that is even possible.

He works full time, leaves the house at 5am to go to the gym everyday and from there he works 8-6 and is home by 7. When he's home he normally cooks dinner for us whilst I put our son to bed.

I don't work but am at uni full-time, where I'm meant to spend around 30-40 hours a week studying. Our son is in childcare 3 days a week for 10 hours a day. During these days I attend lectures and seminars, study and work on assignments etc. Sometimes I will be at home and not actually at uni, if for instance, there is a reading week/term break and sometimes I just prefer staying at home to study. I pick our son up at 6 and am home with him by 6:15, then we usually play, I breastfeed him and just chill (as it's been so long since I've seen him and I really miss him on these days.) I don't have much time to clean and tidy because I am doing my uni work, of course I do still take time in the day to do this but it does mean less time studying so I try to be quick.

The other 2 days a week I'm at home with my son just the two of us. I say at home, but I try to spend as little time at home as possible. This is because I get really over stimulated being at home with him all day so I take him out to parks mainly because I like being in nature, and we also go to soft play and libraries sometimes too. I do normally take him home for his lunch and nap so theoretically I could use nap time to tidy up but honestly I normally end up napping with him or watching Netflix on the sofa. It sounds silly but I really look forward to nap time because its time for me to just chill or sleep, and the thought of cleaning during that time is just not appealing. Our son has never slept through the night and he's nearly 2. I'm talking waking multiple times every night, so I am exhausted most the time and because he only wants boob and his dads got to get up early, I do all the night settling.

On weekends my partner does help with the cleaning and tidying. But its weekdays he has an issue with. I completely get the wanting to come home to a clean and tidy house, I mean, who wouldn't? But its the expectation that I can and should make this happen, whilst also implying I am lazy for not being able to achieve this, which I take issue with. Our house is definitely not neglected. I tidy up and clean EVERYDAY yet its still a mess. The more time I'm at home with my son, the more mess created, but if I'm out with him a lot then there's no time to tidy up. It almost feels like what he is asking is impossible.
In his eyes, having a couple of glasses in the sink and some crumbs on the kitchen counters is messy. But in my eyes, it's not that deep because I know how many countless glasses and plates I've already just washed up and put away and I probably also cleaned the surfaces an hour ago. He doesn't see this though, he will only notice the things I've not done.

I hoover most days, I do all the laundry, I clean the toilet everyday, make the beds up. I don't mind doing these things but I don't know how much more I can do without sacrificing my uni work or time with my son.

YABU - you could do more, especially when toddler naps
YANBU- he needs to chill out

Can you get a dishwasher? We reached a tipping point when our DD was about the age of 1 where it all just became too much trying to wash up by hand all the time, with all the mess that weaning created and the continued disturbed sleep, and both of us working (albeit part time), and constant illnesses etc. It was really hard and I remember cracking one day and saying that I would happily give up cupboard space so that I don't have to spend hours washing endless forks and spoons. We only had a small kitchen but we managed to fit in a slim-line dishwasher. Was a life saver.

We also paid for a cleaner to come once a fortnight and it meant that I knew the house would always get a good clean every fortnight and we just had to keep on top of it in the meantime.

My DP did not, however, demand that I clean up for his arrival home.

No don't change the locks!

How old and what culture?

@Ramalangadingdong he is out of the house early so he can go to the gym. he cooks the meals as it sounds like he is dictating what food they eat.

Hw much parenting does he do @hayley3212?

Well I personally would not be told what to do by my husband were I in your situation.

You do 3 long days but if you and your son are out of the house all day surely the house does not get that messy? On the days you are at home I don't think taking 10 or 15 minutes out of your nap/netflix time is unreasonable to have a quick tidy up. It sounds like his attitude to you spending 30/40 hours a week studying is not sympathetic. It is a lot with a young child. It sounds like he sees himself as the provider and the one which calls the shots which would be a massive turn off for me so no way would I marry him.

I am absoloutley astounded that (level of housework the OP currently does aside), in 2024, there are posters on here who are basically saying to young woman, who got pregnant half way through a degree:-

"Give up your degree in order that you can make sure the house is clean for your partner coming home"

Because that's what some of these posts are coming down to.

What culture are either of you from and what are your ages?

Lay it out to him like you have here. He has unrealistic expectations.
You can tidy up after yourself like the dishes you use etc. Maybe a robot hoover? A cleaner once a week?

It's sickening, isn't it?

The two things that should absolutely be prioritised in this situation are the child's welfare and the OP's education. Over everything else, including a tidy house and her partner's gym time.

Also, did you say he was a GP? And how old is "significantly older"? Where does a late 30s/early 40s GP even meet a 19yp student and why can't he be with someone more age appropriate?

He’s at the gym for more time than she naps. He goes every day. Has at a couple of hours there every day.

They do, one of them is ill today and we've both working today so it's been extra busy. My oldest normally helps but he's had D&V so not keen on him touching everything in the house

Clean up by sweeping this control freak out of your home. My dh has never suggested I 'keep house' better in all the years we had small children and I worked part time. He has always said 'I don't care about the mess, I want our kids to be happy'. Get a new husband to be is my advice.

I’m not sure that is an accurate take. I think there is commuting time in that equation from what I understand.

I've not suggested she leave him. At the moment she needs security to get herself through the degree and into a good job.

What I would advise is to double down on contraception, sit and work out yourself what each of you get out of this (eg he cooks, you clean, you do childcare he does paid job etc) and demonstrate how little you actually get. And how much you both do.

Then bide your time. Either he will come around and realise its a partnership, or you get to a point where you are in a good job and can plan next steps.

This makes a lot of sense. Are you the oldest/second oldest then?

Did your parents expect you to help out a lot, like they so often do with older daughters? If so I can see why you might be resistant to other people placing expectations on you to clean and tidy.

Good to hear you aren’t lumbered with all of it.

His dad is just going to have to suck up disturbed nights whilst you sleep train your son.

That's just parenting.

Discuss it and see how you can make it work

If he continues to be selfish - don't marry him

How long till you qualify and will that mean you'll be able to get a job?

Sympathies from someone also at uni with a toddler. This week I have had an essay due and the food prep and cleaning have taken a nose dive. I also can’t work in the evening because of the very early starts. I really feel for you with the night weaning, the only way I could do it is by sending my partner in for a week. It worked. But he needs to be willing! I've noticed a dramatic shift in my ability to think since doing it but couldn’t have done it by myself. Good luck! You’re doing amazingly. Being a student and a mum is tough x

The cultural bit isn't a random aside to this. It might be the difference between his whole outlook on the role of women/mums in the home influencing this, or just his own lack of experience about what living with a 2 year old means.

@Ramalangadingdong
"It is unfair of op to come on here knowing that we are all usually in the side of the woman."
?
Mum with baby posts on MumsNet asking about managing studies/housework and childcare on Mumsnet.

Where should she be posting for opinions, advice and support so as not to be "unfair" to men?

If he wants to come home to a tidy house, I suggest he hires a cleaner. You are studying the same number of hours he is working, it is not your responsibility to take care of the majority of household chores. I would seriously reconsider this marriage.

Is there a possibility that you are wearing rose tinted glasses when looking at the mess?

if you are out the house as much as you are saying their shouldn’t be much.

if you have space for a dishwasher invest in one, your excuse can always be that they are better for the environment than handwashing.

you may also be making a job for yourself by washing your clothes too often/ do they really need ironing?

She is a full time student, that is her job and is what people do when they are hoping to advance their career prospects. It's not a fun hobby, like going to the gym.

Most parents do not consider feeding their children when they are hungry to be optional, I'm concerned that you think it's a "choice".

Agree that you we only have your side of the story, but, I do think women deserve to be cut some slack when they are being woken up several, times in the night. People who have't experienced sleep disruption - over 2 years - do not appreciate the impact. No wonder OP wants a nap. She's busy as well, a studying for a degree is significant. You and your DP are both busy / tired. He needs to chill about cleaning for now as long as it's not a complete shit-tip (which wouldn't be fair).

A Full Time uni degree is 30-40hours of lessons, study and assignments - hence ‘full time’. This is set out in uni course brochures, funding guidance (you are only allowed PT jobs if FT) and on the govt loan applications/websites.

I am doing a FT PhD and as a result lost my carer’s allowance eligibility, despite being - at the same time - the FT carer of a young autistic adult 24/7 and juggling my study around when they sleep, are in a stable mood, being monitored by DH at weekends etc.

30hrs childcare is required - and on the basis DH eventually benefit from income uplift from improved employment prospects when OP finishes - it is worth his while to understand this and let a few glasses or stray items go.

@hayley3212 from what you say about the gym and strict diet, I would question whether DP/fiance has OCD tendencies that were not an issue for either of you before DS arrived. I would suggest he look at whether he needs some therapy to help him adjust to the arrival and clutter of a small child and the underlying control issues he displays. My DH was/is the same. I’ve learned to walk away when he enters the home at night and, often even without saying hello, starts sweeping the floor often only moments before I have already done it (dogs and kids) - it’s a him problem, not a me problem, but it took years not to take it personally.