He says I need to fix up and clean the house before he gets home

[hayley3212]

His words.

Him being my partner, soon to be husband, and father of our 1 year old. He said things need to change and he doesn't want to come home to an untidy house each day. I don't disagree with him on that and I would love for things to be tidier too, but I'd like to know how that is even possible.

He works full time, leaves the house at 5am to go to the gym everyday and from there he works 8-6 and is home by 7. When he's home he normally cooks dinner for us whilst I put our son to bed.

I don't work but am at uni full-time, where I'm meant to spend around 30-40 hours a week studying. Our son is in childcare 3 days a week for 10 hours a day. During these days I attend lectures and seminars, study and work on assignments etc. Sometimes I will be at home and not actually at uni, if for instance, there is a reading week/term break and sometimes I just prefer staying at home to study. I pick our son up at 6 and am home with him by 6:15, then we usually play, I breastfeed him and just chill (as it's been so long since I've seen him and I really miss him on these days.) I don't have much time to clean and tidy because I am doing my uni work, of course I do still take time in the day to do this but it does mean less time studying so I try to be quick.

The other 2 days a week I'm at home with my son just the two of us. I say at home, but I try to spend as little time at home as possible. This is because I get really over stimulated being at home with him all day so I take him out to parks mainly because I like being in nature, and we also go to soft play and libraries sometimes too. I do normally take him home for his lunch and nap so theoretically I could use nap time to tidy up but honestly I normally end up napping with him or watching Netflix on the sofa. It sounds silly but I really look forward to nap time because its time for me to just chill or sleep, and the thought of cleaning during that time is just not appealing. Our son has never slept through the night and he's nearly 2. I'm talking waking multiple times every night, so I am exhausted most the time and because he only wants boob and his dads got to get up early, I do all the night settling.

On weekends my partner does help with the cleaning and tidying. But its weekdays he has an issue with. I completely get the wanting to come home to a clean and tidy house, I mean, who wouldn't? But its the expectation that I can and should make this happen, whilst also implying I am lazy for not being able to achieve this, which I take issue with. Our house is definitely not neglected. I tidy up and clean EVERYDAY yet its still a mess. The more time I'm at home with my son, the more mess created, but if I'm out with him a lot then there's no time to tidy up. It almost feels like what he is asking is impossible.
In his eyes, having a couple of glasses in the sink and some crumbs on the kitchen counters is messy. But in my eyes, it's not that deep because I know how many countless glasses and plates I've already just washed up and put away and I probably also cleaned the surfaces an hour ago. He doesn't see this though, he will only notice the things I've not done.

I hoover most days, I do all the laundry, I clean the toilet everyday, make the beds up. I don't mind doing these things but I don't know how much more I can do without sacrificing my uni work or time with my son.

YABU - you could do more, especially when toddler naps
YANBU- he needs to chill out

you're really going to marry this man?

He sounds like a neat freak. He should try and live with a couple of kids various ages. The only advise I can give is to declutter and for him to lower his standards

I think you’re both doing enough-get a cleaner.

Obviously you didn't read the whole thing as, if you did, you'd see he gets up at 5 to do this before going to work 10 hours a day in order to pay the bills, then comes home and cooks dinner.
FFS!!

Organised mum method. You could both do it so it's work out like half hour each a day. One to do daily jobs one to do that days room focus. Honestly in no time the house will be loads better and you can split the load. Maybe on your at home with the toddler days you can d ok both the half hour focus and the daily jobs so he doesn't think that's unfair on the days your not working. 🙂

So if you are 21 how much is much older. I assume he likes to do weights and is on a very strict diet hence the cooking.

I think there is a difference between stuff left and a few chore that need doing - toys in particular can be pyt

Also, sounds like too many toys for a 1 year old. Just have one box with a couple of toys and rotate other toys every now and then. He’ll play for longer with the toys, old toys seems like new again, much easier for you to tidy

To the OP.

Please, please, please do not make any rash or life changing decisions based on the comments (sometimes flippant) made on this thread.

It is all well and good that posters relieve their heat of the moment feelings and thoughts about your partner but they aren’t living your life. They aren’t you. They aren’t going to reap the consequences of the advice they are doling out. It will be you living those consequences.

It sounds like you are struggling with your routine as you’re not quite on top of juggling baby, uni and home yet. This is to be expected frankly, as you are still very young and there are demands on splitting your time between all three which is stressful in itself. Time management is a skill we all learn through experience. You’ll not always get it right, ask your partner to cut you some slack whilst you’re getting to grips with it all. Try and work out between you what is feasibly achieved re housework, your chores and his chores. Ask him for help.

Try out the different/time saving methods, techniques etc offered up here before you make any decisions on leaving. If you are struggling now, remember that you’ll have even more on your plate as a single parent. I’m not saying this to put you off but that this is a fact. Bear this in mind before leaping out of this relationship and thinking the grass is greener as it isn’t always the case.

He has big control issues. If you want a future together he needs to recognise this and you both need to learn to communicate with each other and he needs to let the tight grip go (I fear he won’t)

It's hard to tell from what has been said - but I suspect that your partner has a point, I'm sorry. It sounds like you both do a lot, but it does also sound that you can't be bothered to spend 10/15 minutes putting toys away or the laundry after it's done etc. Especially if you have time to watch Netflix. Cut down the hoovering every day - except the living room if it need it.

If you're going out for the day when not doing uni stuff, tidy up before you go out so that it isn't messy when you come home - especially if you are likely not to be back much before your partner?

It's important to spend time with our little ones, but it is perfectly possible to still get at least some chores and things done while they are also awake.

Does anyone have an immaculate house with a young child?
Tell him if he's so bothered to out source some help.
Laundry services, cleaner etc

Studying for her degree is NOT a "luxury" its an investment in her future earnings. OP doesn't say they are so broke she needs to abandon her degree and work in a cafe as has been suggested.
If she can finish her degree while her son is small, she will be equipped to work when he starts nursery/reception.

The problem is that the soon to be DH implies she's not contributing the the household by studying, day time childcare, nighttime childcare, not doing enough housework to his standards because it doesn't generate income, so he doesn't place a value on any of that.

He's told her off like he is her dad or her boss.

In reality, it can be difficult to care for and give a lively toddler enough attention on your two days off if you are also doing full time study and night waking...and then make sure you are cleaning on top of that.
If the toddler hasn't seen you for long periods during three study days then yes, curling up for a cuddle and giving them a bit of attention can sometimes be exactly what's required, rather than ignoring them to make sure the house is pristine on the stroke of seven when he walks through the door. It's parenting.

I remember how hard that was at that stage, they were full on and that I often had to "Clean" once the DC were in bed. It is a time when you end up having to juggle all the tasks and do them when you have time. That may not fit in with his timetable. He could do with being more flexible and tolerant and dare I say it, walking over to the sink and washing the glass, wiping up the crumbs that offend his eye- even though to his mind its not "his" job.

She was at uni, and 19 when they conceived. It was part of the discussion and agreement that she would go back to uni and finish her degree. I'm sure you can agree that the OP is in a somewhat vulnerable spot here.

YADNBU. Your partner sounds ridiculous and controlling and this situation will only get worse. In a year or two, when your child is 2 or 3, just imagine how your DP will react to the "mess". He needs to adjust his expectations and pitch in with the cleaning if it's not up to his standards.

@hayley3212 It's hard to tell from what has been said - but I suspect that your partner has a point, I'm sorry. It sounds like you both do a lot, but it does also sound that you can't be bothered to spend 10/15 minutes putting toys away or the laundry after it's done etc. Especially if you have time to watch Netflix. Cut down the hoovering every day - except the living room if it need it.

If you're going out for the day when not doing uni stuff, tidy up before you go out so that it isn't messy when you come home - especially if you are likely not to be back much before your partner?

It's important to spend time with our little ones, but it is perfectly possible to still get at least some chores and things done while they are also awake.

Please also read the post from @WhiteVelvet. A very wise and sensible post

He could reconsider the 2 hourly daily gym sessions in that case.

That doesn’t mean it isn’t a luxury to be able to continue, for the vast majority of people having a child means that they have to come out of full time education and get a job- any job- in order to put food on the table and a roof over their heads.

OP is lucky in the sense that she has a partner who is happy to work full time, pay all of the bills plus pay for 3 days a week of nursery for her to attend uni, cook after work, clean at the weekend, and all he asks is that he doesn’t walk in to a mess. That’s not unreasonable! It’s the reality of lots of people who work from home (myself and my husband included), if you are in the house all day then you absolutely have time to just stick the washing machine on, wash the dishes in the sink etc. Not a full on deep clean of course but it really doesn’t take long to wipe the benches, do the dishes and run a hoover over the living room.

Op, you say its a rush to get you and your child out on your days off Uni - dont go out all day on your days at home!

Kids do need time to chill at home and I think you will see that as they get older. Kids can actually get over-stimulated never having any time just to chill. Its really important to let kids learn to entertain themselves and play (and not always be at soft play, out at about etc). Mine absolutely loved their cosy days at home in between nursery. Especially if the weather is bad in winter. You might prefer to always be out, but perhaps your little one needs some time at home.

Why dont you spend the mornings at home on your days off - get a few toys out that will really entertain your toddler - building blocks, cars etc but not everything so its a sea of toys. Put some kids tv on too to help keep your toddler entertained and that will give you abit of time to get stuff done. You dont have to spend all day, but at least a few hours at home.

I dont want to sound patronising being alot older, but trust me, you will look back when they are older and regret not having some slow mornings at home. Once they’re in school, slow mornings only exist at the weekend if nothing is on.

This.

I’m going to be a little different to the other replies here. I don’t actually think he’s being that unreasonable.

He works as a GP so I imagine he is bringing in a decent wage . He cooks and he takes 1 hour per day ( the same as your chill time ) to go to the gym . If it really is a few glasses then I guess he’s being picky , but is it really that ? If you’re out all day then how is there any mess ?

Ive done a degree and a post grad. I did it with young children . I really don’t think that studying every single day for 10 hours is realistic . I worked a job around my degree , as most students do , I had children and school runs / childcare . There is no way I could ever have studied 10 hours per day and I don’t think any student does .

You say that you get out as you like being in nature - do you really need to do that all the time ? Could one time, just one day not be enough for a deep clean ? If you do a deep clean per week then there should be no way that there is mess when you say you are out of the house a lot . If it is just a few crumbs and some glasses then both of you are being silly, he’s silly for making such a big deal and you could also clear that in 10 mins . I imagine there is more to it .

Do you not have a playpen you could put your ds in for a short while, just till you get tidied up? I used to put ds in one where I could see him, with a few toys, and it worked absolutely fine.

Yeah I'd definitely love to hear his side of this too

I agree with this - I dont know any Mums that are able to choose to be out all day on days off with the kids. Jobs have to be done at home - thats part of running a home and being a parent. I actually want my children to see jobs have to be done, they sometimes have to wait for things because houses dont clean themselves.

OP, let me get this straight.

You were 19 and in the middle of a university degree when you became pregnant and you now have a 2yo. So you're 21/22?

And he promised to "take care of you" and that you could continue your degree? Was this so you'd continue the pregnancy?

How old is he?

You are very young. And your life at the moment is studying, caring for a young child, doing housework and skivvying after your older husband who gets 2 hours free time a day to spend on his "hobby".

If you want to nap on the sofa, nap on the sofa. Tell him that just like night wakings aren't a priority for him, tidying isn't a priority.

And finish your degree as quickly as you can. I can't be the only one seeing red flags in abundance here.