He says I need to fix up and clean the house before he gets home

[hayley3212]

His words.

Him being my partner, soon to be husband, and father of our 1 year old. He said things need to change and he doesn't want to come home to an untidy house each day. I don't disagree with him on that and I would love for things to be tidier too, but I'd like to know how that is even possible.

He works full time, leaves the house at 5am to go to the gym everyday and from there he works 8-6 and is home by 7. When he's home he normally cooks dinner for us whilst I put our son to bed.

I don't work but am at uni full-time, where I'm meant to spend around 30-40 hours a week studying. Our son is in childcare 3 days a week for 10 hours a day. During these days I attend lectures and seminars, study and work on assignments etc. Sometimes I will be at home and not actually at uni, if for instance, there is a reading week/term break and sometimes I just prefer staying at home to study. I pick our son up at 6 and am home with him by 6:15, then we usually play, I breastfeed him and just chill (as it's been so long since I've seen him and I really miss him on these days.) I don't have much time to clean and tidy because I am doing my uni work, of course I do still take time in the day to do this but it does mean less time studying so I try to be quick.

The other 2 days a week I'm at home with my son just the two of us. I say at home, but I try to spend as little time at home as possible. This is because I get really over stimulated being at home with him all day so I take him out to parks mainly because I like being in nature, and we also go to soft play and libraries sometimes too. I do normally take him home for his lunch and nap so theoretically I could use nap time to tidy up but honestly I normally end up napping with him or watching Netflix on the sofa. It sounds silly but I really look forward to nap time because its time for me to just chill or sleep, and the thought of cleaning during that time is just not appealing. Our son has never slept through the night and he's nearly 2. I'm talking waking multiple times every night, so I am exhausted most the time and because he only wants boob and his dads got to get up early, I do all the night settling.

On weekends my partner does help with the cleaning and tidying. But its weekdays he has an issue with. I completely get the wanting to come home to a clean and tidy house, I mean, who wouldn't? But its the expectation that I can and should make this happen, whilst also implying I am lazy for not being able to achieve this, which I take issue with. Our house is definitely not neglected. I tidy up and clean EVERYDAY yet its still a mess. The more time I'm at home with my son, the more mess created, but if I'm out with him a lot then there's no time to tidy up. It almost feels like what he is asking is impossible.
In his eyes, having a couple of glasses in the sink and some crumbs on the kitchen counters is messy. But in my eyes, it's not that deep because I know how many countless glasses and plates I've already just washed up and put away and I probably also cleaned the surfaces an hour ago. He doesn't see this though, he will only notice the things I've not done.

I hoover most days, I do all the laundry, I clean the toilet everyday, make the beds up. I don't mind doing these things but I don't know how much more I can do without sacrificing my uni work or time with my son.

YABU - you could do more, especially when toddler naps
YANBU- he needs to chill out

On weekends my partner does help with a share of the cleaning and tidying.

I fixed that for you. Sorry I need to now read the other six pages!

I know. It’s incredible.

The sad thing is, she’ll probably take all their advice and leave him and then realise she didn’t have it quite as bad as she thought and by that time, the posters will have moved on to bashing other women’s fellas on different posts and will have forgotten all about the OP. OP on the otherhand, will have have made a life changing decision which she will live every day and have to deal with.

OP it would have been helpful to have said in your original post that you got pregnant at 19, that he is older and you are doing your degree. A lot of women here assumed your are older and doing further studying which is why they think your studies are a hobby.

Please prioritise your academia as much as possible. 30-40 hours work is absolutely right for a serious academic degree. Your DH doesn't respect you and you seem to be too young to stand up for yourself. You are working full time, just like him. Please don't marry him and do finish your degree so you have options later on. He sounds like a prick.

I would be so resentful if my partner said this to me. A 1yo child is no joke. Especially if you're breastfeeding. They're like limpets and getting anything done is an impossibility. This guy is clueless and has his head in the clouds. Also wondering if there's any time in the week for YOU to sod off to the gym, or if he's the only one being allowed that time.

Tbh studying with a toddler is my idea of hell so hats off to you. Especially the 6am starts with waking up throughout the night. I breastfed for 3 years and not once did I get a normal full night of sleep. Its exhausting. I worked part-time and didn’t have to use my brain too much either luckily. I did do the dinners every night though.
You are doing a lot and you must be exhausted maybe get a cleaner once a month at least until your degree is over if you can make that sacrifice financially.

You are a 20yr old college student, who got pregnant accidentally a year ago by a man who is older.
Now he's talking to you like he's your 'Dad' in relation to the housework.
Did you move into his house or is it a shared tenancy together?

The guy is 'super healthy' and has all these dietary requirements, is it possible he cooks for himself because he couldn't tolerate eating food somebody else made because it wouldn't be 'right'.

What age is your DH?

This is not an uncommon argument to have between couples, especially if one WFH which is essentially what you are doing.

One way round it is instead of arguing, sit down and agree what jobs should be done daily and by who.

In my house, we have an agreement about who does what jobs and we also have an agreement that every night before bed and every morning when everyone leaves, the house has to be to the agreed standard. Dishwasher on, kitchen sides wiped, rooms tidy, beds made and the washing moved on. Around those times the house looks in various states of mess!

My DH used to feel frustrated coming home to a messy house, and to his credit he always used to make sure the house was tidy when I came home. But since having kids, he didn't realise how many times a day I'm already tidying etc, and so now we've acknowledged that setting the house straight for someone to come home is a waste of time when it needs doing again after dinner or the kids have finished playing etc anyway. So if we fancy tidying as the day goes along we do, if we don't that's fine.

Do you get to go to the gym (or have the equivalent leisure time) 5 days a week?

The equivalent to the DP going to the gym is when she naps.

she also has 2 full days with the toddler and chooses to go out.

sge giukd choose to put Paw Patrol on fir an hour and power clean and then go out.

Don't bloody marry him if he's an ass.
Once you are married this sort of behaviour could get worse.

He goes to the Gym every day for 3 hours, getting up at 5am.

Even over the 5 days, that's 15hours a week he has for his own leisure 'me time' - not working, not childminding, not studying and not doing housework.

Start going to a local library on a Saturday to study, and stay there all day leaving him with the baby.
Do that for at least 4 Saturdays in a row.

Why did u have a baby when u wanted to study? Unless your biological clock was striking you have shot yourself in the foot.dont have another and don't marry the man

I didn't even bother to read your whole OP as it's obvious your partner is a dick. He goes to the fucking gym for hours. Bloody hell. You don't get that time for yourself.

Don't marry him. Please.

For the next few days don't do anything but study and childcare. Let him see what you do.

Also, why isn't he putting his child to bed when he's left before he's up and doesn't see him all day? My h would take the child as soon as he got in and I'd cook.

I think if this post was 'some days I study from home and he's unhappy I never put a washer on' then he may have a point. But you are doing plenty when you're in the house

Who's the 20% who think you are unreasonable ? Bloody hell. I wonder what their lives are like.

This was my first thought too. You should both have equal amounts of self care and leisure time.

If he would like a clean and tidy house, he should get up earlier and clean it and fucking tidy it himself.

Don't marry any man that treats you like a donestic appliance.

You are studying - that is equivalent to a job. He gets gym time, you need some down time too.

If he wants the place tidier he pitches in or pays for a cleaner.

This is the best advice on here, OP.

@red0011

this! Don’t let them make a mess!

But how do you know they don’t? By the sounds of things his leisure time is the gym, he wakes up at 5am and he starts work at 8am so realistically when you factor in actually waking up/getting ready/driving, thats 90 mins in the gym probably.

OP admits she spends nap times watching TV and on top of that 3 days a week child is in nursery and she has said that lectures are 9-6 but not back to back, I know it was quite common when I was at uni (and really annoying I used to hate it) to have say a 9-10 lecture, a 1-2 lecture and then 4-6. Between lectures OP could go to the gym, go shopping, go get food or a coffee etc, it’s still leisure time and would absolutely add up to at least equal to gym time.

As much as I don't want him to feel stressed about coming home to mess, I also don't want to feel stressed about him coming home and judging me.

THIS THIS THIS.

He needs to get this.

If he does not get this, don't marry him. And seriously consider whether you actually want to be in the relationship. It's important for you to care about his feelings, but it's also important for him to care about yours.

IME, I can tidy up all day around my children or I can sit in the corner on MN all day, and the house looks exactly the same - probably because if I'm having an ill day they are watching a lot more TV vs when I am up and about and tidying I'm alternating between doing things with them.

They just create chaos everywhere they go. It's not a reasonable expectation to be on top of it at all times. Less stuff helps, being on top of it helps, but nothing is going to completely eliminate it, unless you do something unreasonable like having totally OTT rules and strict enforcement for the DC.

Sorry not rtft but he spends all day at the gym ‘working’?!

Throw the glasses in the bin with the crumbs.

When he asks where the glasses are, tell him you threw them out because you didn't;t have time to wash them.

I assume that half of the glasses/ plates etc are his? Let him sort them out.

Don't marry him. He's still on his best behaviour - he'll get worse.

Well obviously if a woman has a baby out of wedlock then she should quit uni and become a SAHM while he continues fostering his career and his gym workouts. Then, when he abandons her 20 years later, when she has no degree, no career, and no savings, we should all come on here and lecture her about how she should have gotten her uni degree while she had the chance, and she messed up by letting him dictate to her that she do nothing but clean the house and look after the baby for nothing more than room and board.

This man made a deal with OP that he would enable her to finish uni if she had the baby. He needs to follow through on that. Of course, as this thread shows, it's not easy to hold someone to a deal when you have a baby because once you have a little baby to take care of, you lose any power to engage consequences for the other person's failure to do what they promised.

I dont dispute in anyway you are a hard-working Mum - Uni degree and baby must be tough. You have also said you keep on top of the house, washing, hoovering etc so what kind of mess is it?

If its toys, thats really simply solved with good storage - big baskets to throw things into etc. Encourage the kids to do it from as young as age as possible when they are toddlers. If its a few pots by the sink, your DP is being beyond ridiculous.

I dont think there are many Mums whether working, studying or SAHM that can choose a nap time every day. 5-7pm was manic with babies/toddlers getting the kids bathed, fed, tidying up, dinner etc. I totally understand you want to enjoy some time with your Son but its also probably the busiest time of the day with young kids. Personally i’d rather get on top of it all at that time and have big cuddles on the sofa before bed.