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AIBU?

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Original poster

He says I need to fix up and clean the house before he gets home

577 replies

hayley3212 · 29/02/2024 09:54

His words.

Him being my partner, soon to be husband, and father of our 1 year old. He said things need to change and he doesn't want to come home to an untidy house each day. I don't disagree with him on that and I would love for things to be tidier too, but I'd like to know how that is even possible.

He works full time, leaves the house at 5am to go to the gym everyday and from there he works 8-6 and is home by 7. When he's home he normally cooks dinner for us whilst I put our son to bed.

I don't work but am at uni full-time, where I'm meant to spend around 30-40 hours a week studying. Our son is in childcare 3 days a week for 10 hours a day. During these days I attend lectures and seminars, study and work on assignments etc. Sometimes I will be at home and not actually at uni, if for instance, there is a reading week/term break and sometimes I just prefer staying at home to study. I pick our son up at 6 and am home with him by 6:15, then we usually play, I breastfeed him and just chill (as it's been so long since I've seen him and I really miss him on these days.) I don't have much time to clean and tidy because I am doing my uni work, of course I do still take time in the day to do this but it does mean less time studying so I try to be quick.

The other 2 days a week I'm at home with my son just the two of us. I say at home, but I try to spend as little time at home as possible. This is because I get really over stimulated being at home with him all day so I take him out to parks mainly because I like being in nature, and we also go to soft play and libraries sometimes too. I do normally take him home for his lunch and nap so theoretically I could use nap time to tidy up but honestly I normally end up napping with him or watching Netflix on the sofa. It sounds silly but I really look forward to nap time because its time for me to just chill or sleep, and the thought of cleaning during that time is just not appealing. Our son has never slept through the night and he's nearly 2. I'm talking waking multiple times every night, so I am exhausted most the time and because he only wants boob and his dads got to get up early, I do all the night settling.

On weekends my partner does help with the cleaning and tidying. But its weekdays he has an issue with. I completely get the wanting to come home to a clean and tidy house, I mean, who wouldn't? But its the expectation that I can and should make this happen, whilst also implying I am lazy for not being able to achieve this, which I take issue with. Our house is definitely not neglected. I tidy up and clean EVERYDAY yet its still a mess. The more time I'm at home with my son, the more mess created, but if I'm out with him a lot then there's no time to tidy up. It almost feels like what he is asking is impossible.
In his eyes, having a couple of glasses in the sink and some crumbs on the kitchen counters is messy. But in my eyes, it's not that deep because I know how many countless glasses and plates I've already just washed up and put away and I probably also cleaned the surfaces an hour ago. He doesn't see this though, he will only notice the things I've not done.

I hoover most days, I do all the laundry, I clean the toilet everyday, make the beds up. I don't mind doing these things but I don't know how much more I can do without sacrificing my uni work or time with my son.

YABU - you could do more, especially when toddler naps
YANBU- he needs to chill out

OP posts:
wombat15 · 01/03/2024 19:53

I can't believe some of the comments on this thread. Obviously you don't want the house to be unhygienic but I don't see how it can be if you are hoovering, and cleaning toilets and kitchen etc everyday. If you are at home with your son, try and pick up the stuff as you go but if you are out of the house and the mess is half your partners, he can do half the tidying. You might find it easier if you cook tea half the time while he puts your child to bed and then he can wash up the dishes.

Your priority should be your own education and your baby not slaving after someone else. If he wants the house to be spotless he should step up and stop spending so much time at the gym. Doing the cooking in the evening and creating a big mess is not what I would call doing his share.

OldPerson · 01/03/2024 19:53

You two really should not be getting married. You're all me, me, me, my study time and bonding with son time. He's all gym, gym, gym and make my home tidy mon-fri. Successful marriages are being a team. If you both have a shared goal of the home being tidier - and you can't come with a plan to put that into effect - then your marriage is not going to last.

wombat15 · 01/03/2024 19:59

OldPerson · 01/03/2024 19:53

You two really should not be getting married. You're all me, me, me, my study time and bonding with son time. He's all gym, gym, gym and make my home tidy mon-fri. Successful marriages are being a team. If you both have a shared goal of the home being tidier - and you can't come with a plan to put that into effect - then your marriage is not going to last.

Do you seriously think that a tidy house is more important than studying and spending time with her baby?

Havinganamechange · 01/03/2024 19:59

If my husband told me that I would stick my foot so far up his arse. Honestly what a CF he is. If he wants it tidy, he knows how to do it and he can get on with it. Does he think you are a slave?

Scotland32 · 01/03/2024 20:00

I can get both sides here. The way you tell it, he sounds controlling. However, I also know that when I am working and balancing kids I still manage to keep the house tidy. When my husband tries the same, the house is a tip. He’s just a messier person whilst I’m verging on obsessed when it comes to tidiness. I’m not a better person, I just value tidiness more highly than he does.
If you are less bothered you won’t be compelled to do it.
But I do know that, because of my obsession, if I was your other half I’d be a bit annoyed to coming home to mess too.
Can you talk to him about a compromise or maybe about putting some systems in place that stop it getting messy in the first place?

onwardsup4 · 01/03/2024 20:30

Jom222 · 29/02/2024 14:47

you're really going to marry this man?

What works full time pays for childcare and all bills so she can go to uni and cooks every night? I think there are worse out there

Thepeopleversuswork · 01/03/2024 20:33

wombat15 · 01/03/2024 19:53

I can't believe some of the comments on this thread. Obviously you don't want the house to be unhygienic but I don't see how it can be if you are hoovering, and cleaning toilets and kitchen etc everyday. If you are at home with your son, try and pick up the stuff as you go but if you are out of the house and the mess is half your partners, he can do half the tidying. You might find it easier if you cook tea half the time while he puts your child to bed and then he can wash up the dishes.

Your priority should be your own education and your baby not slaving after someone else. If he wants the house to be spotless he should step up and stop spending so much time at the gym. Doing the cooking in the evening and creating a big mess is not what I would call doing his share.

Edited

I know I'm genuinely shocked at this thread. 75% of the comments are about how the OP can find time for housework. It's like the past 40 years never happened.

2024horizons · 01/03/2024 20:35

I have ADHD and my solution when I can't keep on top of dishes due to work is.....paper cups and plates. Use, chuck.

Not necessarily cost effective but does solve the problem.

Hmm1234 · 01/03/2024 20:38

hayley3212 · 29/02/2024 09:54

His words.

Him being my partner, soon to be husband, and father of our 1 year old. He said things need to change and he doesn't want to come home to an untidy house each day. I don't disagree with him on that and I would love for things to be tidier too, but I'd like to know how that is even possible.

He works full time, leaves the house at 5am to go to the gym everyday and from there he works 8-6 and is home by 7. When he's home he normally cooks dinner for us whilst I put our son to bed.

I don't work but am at uni full-time, where I'm meant to spend around 30-40 hours a week studying. Our son is in childcare 3 days a week for 10 hours a day. During these days I attend lectures and seminars, study and work on assignments etc. Sometimes I will be at home and not actually at uni, if for instance, there is a reading week/term break and sometimes I just prefer staying at home to study. I pick our son up at 6 and am home with him by 6:15, then we usually play, I breastfeed him and just chill (as it's been so long since I've seen him and I really miss him on these days.) I don't have much time to clean and tidy because I am doing my uni work, of course I do still take time in the day to do this but it does mean less time studying so I try to be quick.

The other 2 days a week I'm at home with my son just the two of us. I say at home, but I try to spend as little time at home as possible. This is because I get really over stimulated being at home with him all day so I take him out to parks mainly because I like being in nature, and we also go to soft play and libraries sometimes too. I do normally take him home for his lunch and nap so theoretically I could use nap time to tidy up but honestly I normally end up napping with him or watching Netflix on the sofa. It sounds silly but I really look forward to nap time because its time for me to just chill or sleep, and the thought of cleaning during that time is just not appealing. Our son has never slept through the night and he's nearly 2. I'm talking waking multiple times every night, so I am exhausted most the time and because he only wants boob and his dads got to get up early, I do all the night settling.

On weekends my partner does help with the cleaning and tidying. But its weekdays he has an issue with. I completely get the wanting to come home to a clean and tidy house, I mean, who wouldn't? But its the expectation that I can and should make this happen, whilst also implying I am lazy for not being able to achieve this, which I take issue with. Our house is definitely not neglected. I tidy up and clean EVERYDAY yet its still a mess. The more time I'm at home with my son, the more mess created, but if I'm out with him a lot then there's no time to tidy up. It almost feels like what he is asking is impossible.
In his eyes, having a couple of glasses in the sink and some crumbs on the kitchen counters is messy. But in my eyes, it's not that deep because I know how many countless glasses and plates I've already just washed up and put away and I probably also cleaned the surfaces an hour ago. He doesn't see this though, he will only notice the things I've not done.

I hoover most days, I do all the laundry, I clean the toilet everyday, make the beds up. I don't mind doing these things but I don't know how much more I can do without sacrificing my uni work or time with my son.

YABU - you could do more, especially when toddler naps
YANBU- he needs to chill out

‘Fix up’ and ‘not that deep’ have you bagged yourself a roadman

oatmilk4breakfast · 01/03/2024 20:41

It will get worse unless you can resolve it now…my husband (12 years into marriage and 2 years into fatherhood) once had a go at me for there not being a hand towel in the bathroom, I said, well, go and get one then. Him - ‘it’s not my responsibility to make sure there’s a hand towel here!’ Me: ‘well whose f-ing responsibility is it then?’ To be fair to him, he brought himself up short and took my point. If yours won’t, there’s a bigger problem here.

Jumpers4goalposts · 01/03/2024 21:32

I’d be suggesting in stead of leaving early to go to the gym that he stays home and does some jobs then.

New2ths · 01/03/2024 21:42

I really feel for you with this and my situation isn’t a million miles away (older husband from a patriarchal culture). It does sound like you are really tired so no wonder you don’t have the energy for cleaning! I know others have suggested it but if you feel ready to try night weaning it may help. I fed my ds until he was 13 months and I know how hard it can be, well done you for feeding your ds for so long! It doesn’t mean you stop comforting him, just in other ways. Maybe then you’d find energy during his nap times to have a quick tidy up every now and again. It does sound like your expectations of house tidiness are different though and so it’s about meeting in the middle.

When I’m having a bad sleep run with my DS I actually try to clean less and tidy instead (which is quicker to do) so whilst the floors might not be spotless the place feels more organised, calmer and so do I!

Tuxedomom · 01/03/2024 22:15

Singleandproud · 29/02/2024 10:06

Sounds like you need to go away for a couple of days and leave baby with him to sort out and tell him you expect the house tidy when you arrive back

This

DisabledDemon · 01/03/2024 23:26

Really? Are you really sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with this person? Fine, if you want to spend the rest of your life being controlled and being found fault with.

Pinkdaffodils900 · 01/03/2024 23:44

onwardsup4 · 01/03/2024 20:30

What works full time pays for childcare and all bills so she can go to uni and cooks every night? I think there are worse out there

Show quote history

Doesn't help with the nights because he wants to get up early for the gym everyday, cooks because it's a hobby he enjoys while she does bedtime but leaves all the washing up, makes comments about what food she eats and either hasn't noticed or doesn't care that she's seriously sleep deprived and instead of offering support is critical. Can we please have higher standards?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 01/03/2024 23:47

hayley3212 · 29/02/2024 10:45

Well it's not just a couple of glasses and some crumbs. There is other stuff like laundry not folded and put away, toys on the floor etc. I think he just used that as an example not it's not the only one.
By chilling do you mean my uni days or when I'm with my son? He definitely won't rethink his gym sessions, also I think his issue is he doesn't want to come home to a mess. So tidying up the mess himself isn't an option. He wants me to do it.

Show quote history

He has waaaay more free time than you.... He CHOOSES to spend it in the gym...

Just tell him... If its that important HE can do it!.

It's madness compromising your rest if you've been up half the night or your Uni work!!

I was at uni with any number of women with families... Some compromised their degrees at the altar of 'my partner likes to come home to a clean house..'.

Diddlyumptious · 01/03/2024 23:49

Don't marry him if he's like that now he will likely get worse. You're doing an amazing job BTW. Go you, studyIing,, tunning house and caring for your DS.

SpiritOfEcstasy · 02/03/2024 01:08

It bothers him … it doesn’t bother you … but it’s somehow your job? If you kowtow to this man OP and do what he asks he will find something else to let you know that you’re just not good enough. You’re a failure. You’re a disappointment to him. You’re not making enough effort. Because those are the underlying messages here …. I divorced my ex husband for being a similarly demanding, entitled, unreasonable, selfish dickhead. I suggest you think twice about marrying him. It doesn’t get better …. When he left I realised - like you - I was pretty much doing everything anyway. The only difference was I didn’t have him telling me I was shit at it all ….

Owl55 · 02/03/2024 01:23

Cheat ! Throw a bit of disinfectant on the kitchen floor , bleach down the toilet and spray the room with air freshener , he won’t know the difference!

Mummymoomingrumpy · 02/03/2024 07:11

Picklestop · 29/02/2024 10:57

Oh come off it. She is not studying ten hours a day. I went back to university full time a few years ago and they said it was 30-40 hours per week, reality, more like 10 other than before exams. He works, he comes home and cooks, he cleans at the weekend. OP could surely tidy round a bit, it really wouldn’t take long.

Show quote history

It may depend on what and where the uni course is - my was definitely full time and over 30-40 hours sometimes. May also depend on your work ethic

WithACatLikeTread · 02/03/2024 07:20

Supernova23 · 01/03/2024 14:58

So you were 19 when he, a man in his mid thirties, got you pregnant? I’m not surprised your family haven’t been too accommodating to him. They see him for what he is.

You need to run a mile from this man and please do not marry him.

Got her pregnant? Did OP not play a part then?

AuntMarch · 02/03/2024 07:26

Maybe he could prioritise tidying over the gym.

What a wanker

JMSA · 02/03/2024 08:06

You just need to keep on top of it more. How hard can it really be when you're home two days a week and have only one child Confused
I work full-time and am a single parent of 3. My kitchen surfaces are never crummy.
He works long hours, cooks every night and helps on the weekend. I don't think that's a bad deal.
I accept this won't be a popular view. But when it comes to division of labour, some people on here aren't realistic at all. And we only have your point of view.
Guaranteed if this post was written about a man, who was a student and allowed his career wife to come home to a messy house, it would read very differently.

Pinkdaffodils900 · 02/03/2024 08:15

JMSA · 02/03/2024 08:06

You just need to keep on top of it more. How hard can it really be when you're home two days a week and have only one child Confused
I work full-time and am a single parent of 3. My kitchen surfaces are never crummy.
He works long hours, cooks every night and helps on the weekend. I don't think that's a bad deal.
I accept this won't be a popular view. But when it comes to division of labour, some people on here aren't realistic at all. And we only have your point of view.
Guaranteed if this post was written about a man, who was a student and allowed his career wife to come home to a messy house, it would read very differently.

It's genuinely unsettling to me how many people think a man can't be too bad because he goes to work and cooks.

For me it's not as much about the division of labour as the total lack of support it sounds like the OP is getting. It shouldn't be a case of 'well I did this so you do that', you'd hope a loving partner would realise that OP was struggling and prioritise helping her over the gym.

Well done you for having such a clean house, but I wonder why you felt that was a kind or necessary comment towards someone who has said they're struggling.

Loulou599 · 02/03/2024 08:22

I think anyone who has studied for a degree in the past 10 years knows that "full time" isn't exactly slaving away unless you're doing something like medicine.

There are a lot of posts on here essentially suggesting this woman use the man to pay her rent and university fees until she graduates. I don't think that is anymore empowering than what has happened here: a young woman, who was not forced to be in this position by either her culture or her family, decided for herself that she wanted to have a baby and live with this man. I don't know why posters are repainting her as a victim.

She goes to study and she looks after her child. Many women also do that and work in paid employment, many women also do that but have the added stress of needed to pay their own bills and juggle loans.

The partner is simply saying that in addition to wanting to take naps, chill out and have phone chats with her family and friends throughout the day, he wants her to not leave shit lying around.

I have to say that if I went out to work every day and paid by partners university fees and all the mortgage and bills, and the house was a shit tip because he had been napping with our kid and watching Netflix, I'm sure my friends would be advising me to leave him for being an opportunist.

There is a whole thread here of women egging OP on to leave this man, but we have no evidence he has done anything wrong, his crime seems to be being 15 years older and not wanting to bank roll someone who can't even be bothered to wash some dishes when they have whole days sitting at home and doing nothing.