He says I need to fix up and clean the house before he gets home

[hayley3212]

His words.

Him being my partner, soon to be husband, and father of our 1 year old. He said things need to change and he doesn't want to come home to an untidy house each day. I don't disagree with him on that and I would love for things to be tidier too, but I'd like to know how that is even possible.

He works full time, leaves the house at 5am to go to the gym everyday and from there he works 8-6 and is home by 7. When he's home he normally cooks dinner for us whilst I put our son to bed.

I don't work but am at uni full-time, where I'm meant to spend around 30-40 hours a week studying. Our son is in childcare 3 days a week for 10 hours a day. During these days I attend lectures and seminars, study and work on assignments etc. Sometimes I will be at home and not actually at uni, if for instance, there is a reading week/term break and sometimes I just prefer staying at home to study. I pick our son up at 6 and am home with him by 6:15, then we usually play, I breastfeed him and just chill (as it's been so long since I've seen him and I really miss him on these days.) I don't have much time to clean and tidy because I am doing my uni work, of course I do still take time in the day to do this but it does mean less time studying so I try to be quick.

The other 2 days a week I'm at home with my son just the two of us. I say at home, but I try to spend as little time at home as possible. This is because I get really over stimulated being at home with him all day so I take him out to parks mainly because I like being in nature, and we also go to soft play and libraries sometimes too. I do normally take him home for his lunch and nap so theoretically I could use nap time to tidy up but honestly I normally end up napping with him or watching Netflix on the sofa. It sounds silly but I really look forward to nap time because its time for me to just chill or sleep, and the thought of cleaning during that time is just not appealing. Our son has never slept through the night and he's nearly 2. I'm talking waking multiple times every night, so I am exhausted most the time and because he only wants boob and his dads got to get up early, I do all the night settling.

On weekends my partner does help with the cleaning and tidying. But its weekdays he has an issue with. I completely get the wanting to come home to a clean and tidy house, I mean, who wouldn't? But its the expectation that I can and should make this happen, whilst also implying I am lazy for not being able to achieve this, which I take issue with. Our house is definitely not neglected. I tidy up and clean EVERYDAY yet its still a mess. The more time I'm at home with my son, the more mess created, but if I'm out with him a lot then there's no time to tidy up. It almost feels like what he is asking is impossible.
In his eyes, having a couple of glasses in the sink and some crumbs on the kitchen counters is messy. But in my eyes, it's not that deep because I know how many countless glasses and plates I've already just washed up and put away and I probably also cleaned the surfaces an hour ago. He doesn't see this though, he will only notice the things I've not done.

I hoover most days, I do all the laundry, I clean the toilet everyday, make the beds up. I don't mind doing these things but I don't know how much more I can do without sacrificing my uni work or time with my son.

YABU - you could do more, especially when toddler naps
YANBU- he needs to chill out

He could do it between 5 and 6 in the morning instead of going to the gym. Be a good workout for him, and cheaper than gym membership.

Been there done that, minus the degree - I’m not that clever.
My ex was 17 years older than me came with a whole bunting line of red flags - I was 19 fresh out of college and ripe for the pick.

I struggled for many many years, had 3 sons to him.

Every potential positivity for me was blocked by him and eventually it couldn’t get any worse.

I started questioning his behaviours to me- our eldest son had just started uni and my ex left leaving a whole load of mess behind.

Me? I had a breakdown have multiple cortisol related auto immune diseases and thankfully was able to build a new life - but the shadows from the old one still cast a darkness ………Think, is this the life you really want? And if things are messy for him now how much worse it will be when your baby is 6 with Lego and book bags and shoes etc - who will bear the brunt of his cleanliness attitudes then?.

Sounds like both of you do a lot already.

I will say though, I hate coming home to a messy house and I hate seeing things that need washing up just left or crumbs on counters that kind of thing and I am vocal about it sometimes when I've come home to it a bit often.

As long as you do eventually clean up and don't expect him to do that then he needs to adjust his expectations of having a spotless house. It's impossible with a child or children.

He sounds controlling in every way…his workouts-his diet….his wife to be.

Sorry he sounds like an arse hole if he can’t accept a few glasses in the sink- when you have a baby at home!

I don't have children and my house isn't spotless everyday! I do feel very lazy reading some posts on here - but honestly, as long as a home is relatively clean and comfortable, does it matter? Sometimes after work I am just going to flop and leave the dishes to the next day, and my DH will do the same. If I was on very little sleep and looking after a baby, I'd definitely prioritise any moments of relative calm for self-care. If it really bothers him then maybe he can learn to clean up after himself after he cooks, since you said he currently leaves it to you. Cooking an evening meal for 2 adults and leaving all the washing up, while you feed your child and do bath, bedtime etc. is definitely not an equal split - he could use some of that time if it's just crumbs and glasses to sort out.

Cut your losses now and leave him. It will only get worse. Make sure ex has your DC 50/50 and let him see how challenging it is to look after a toddler, a home and work full time.

There is no making uninterested dads do 50/50.

The OP shouldn't leave until she is at least past graduation and has a job. No, he won't get better. She knows what he is like. She needs to finish her degree.

She got pregnant at age 19 whilst at uni! She is 21 or 22.

I can’t understand people who are unable to keep their houses at an acceptable level of tidiness. Have a big blitz then keep on top of it. The only mess should be toys and they can all be shoved in a toy box when he goes to bed. There’s always time to keep the house tidy you sound like you make excuses. Like if your dad calls it goes on loudspeaker and you tidy up at the same time. Put things away in the kitchen as you go don’t leave it to pile up.

Some days my husband must come home and wonder if we have been burgled.
Maybe send your husband to be over to live with me for a week and he will soon relax over some crumbs and a few glasses.
In your position I would explain you are at capacity (if that’s how you feel) and you are unsure what sacrifices you both can make to keep your home to a standard of mutual happy living.

I don't get it either.

I totally agree, he clearly has absolutely no idea what it's like to look after a baby/toddler. He needs to find out ASAP!

This is my advice too. Take some time off. I have a PhD and had to take several breaks while I worked on it because life happens, but you get there in the end. Don't be afraid that you won't go back to it. You sound impressively ambitious so you won't give it up forever. You have a husband who is supporting you why don't you just enjoy being with your child in these special years? You will never have them again. It would be a relief to let go of the stress of the degree (what with exams etc) while you get used to the stressful process of being a mum. Also, you have time on your side, which is wonderful.

This reminds me of a cartoon I saw.
Husband comes home to find clothes and toys all over the floor, unwashed crockery and pans on the side, food detritus everywhere.
The wife says " you know how you ask me what I do all day? Well, today I didn't do it"
Maybe you need to copy this idea OP...
(Edited for typos)

I disagree. OP isn't studying part-time. The the two days shes not physically at uni aren't there to enable her to play the household fairy - they're for independent study. What with managing a small child (who doesn't sleep!) she's already doing two jobs simultaneously. Housework should be 50:50 - especially grating if her "D"P creates a daily mess indulging in cooking for his health spleen that she then has to clean up after him.

I'm also not convinced OP's all that lucky given his "generous" support. Even if she had shecdecided to have this child by hers4lf, there's resources available to student parents. Life might be a lot easier in uni-provided modest accommodation than dealing with a whole house and a bloke who does sweet FA for the joint child and dumps through dinner dishes on her.

DON'T marry him !!

That's a great point @GrumpyPanda
OP should look into uni support services just so she knows what her options are.

Some men underestimate how difficult it can be looking after babies, but you’re doing a degree too so you must be constantly busy. Maybe just try and explain to him how you feel about it. In the meantime save up for a robot vacuum, their a godsend, I like to vacuum every day too so this cuts that job out for me.

Hahahahah!!!

oh man. I’d say help yourself then!

honestly my house isn’t firstly. But it’s not tidy and cluttered. You know what stopped me stressing about it?

when I’m on my death bed I won’t be saying ‘oh I wish I’d spent more time tidying my house’

I want to spend time with my kids and my husband. That’s perfect enough for me.

if he defo wants it done then get a cleaner? House keeper?

Oooh. This!!!!! ♥️♥️♥️♥️

Misses point of thread by a country mile.

Its not about labour saving tips. Its about sharing the load and about this guy’s lack of respect for his partner.

Firstly, good on you doing all you are doing (house, parent, partner, student, etc). That is a lot!! Be chuffed with yourself, you deserve it!

A few plates and crumbs triggering your partner sounds like he has issues that need addressing. Hopefully it's not that he really is a pig.
If he's that bothered, he should pay for a cleaner. Does he tidy his dishes, etc, away before he leaves for the day? He should. His household responsibilities are daily too, not just at weekends or the one meal he makes you both each day.

You are entitled to rest. You are allowed to go out with your child. It's not like you aren't doing any cleaning. You are doing full time studies and looking after your child too, so don't feel bad.
Just be careful before you get married. Evaluate everything, especially future plans.
How does he want the household and childcare to be split once your studies are completed and you are working, especially if full time? Is he supportive of your long term career plans? If you will be earning more than him, is he okay with that? He may not verbalise things, but can still wave the flags.

He's got one eye on the door and is paving the way to look like it's your fault

What time does he get up to leave the house at 5am?! And then works 8 til 6 5 x a week. He must be tired and grumpy when gets back but that's his choice really. He's out of the house for a very long time each day and leaving you to be mum and your studies.
From experience I wouldn't want to be spoken to like that.

At 20, I would probably hold off marrying him for a few years. You grow and change so much from early 20s to late 20s. I was in a relationship with a guy a bit older than me from 19 until 22, he thought I should be tidying the house, cooking his tea, ironing his shirts, making his sandwiches for work and baking cakes etc, all while I was working full time and most days out the house 7am until 6pm. I knew I would never or want to ever meet his expectations so I walked away, luckily we didn't have any children. My family also didn't like him or the way he treated me. Have a good think about whether you can see yourself with him in 20 years time.