He says I need to fix up and clean the house before he gets home

[hayley3212]

His words.

Him being my partner, soon to be husband, and father of our 1 year old. He said things need to change and he doesn't want to come home to an untidy house each day. I don't disagree with him on that and I would love for things to be tidier too, but I'd like to know how that is even possible.

He works full time, leaves the house at 5am to go to the gym everyday and from there he works 8-6 and is home by 7. When he's home he normally cooks dinner for us whilst I put our son to bed.

I don't work but am at uni full-time, where I'm meant to spend around 30-40 hours a week studying. Our son is in childcare 3 days a week for 10 hours a day. During these days I attend lectures and seminars, study and work on assignments etc. Sometimes I will be at home and not actually at uni, if for instance, there is a reading week/term break and sometimes I just prefer staying at home to study. I pick our son up at 6 and am home with him by 6:15, then we usually play, I breastfeed him and just chill (as it's been so long since I've seen him and I really miss him on these days.) I don't have much time to clean and tidy because I am doing my uni work, of course I do still take time in the day to do this but it does mean less time studying so I try to be quick.

The other 2 days a week I'm at home with my son just the two of us. I say at home, but I try to spend as little time at home as possible. This is because I get really over stimulated being at home with him all day so I take him out to parks mainly because I like being in nature, and we also go to soft play and libraries sometimes too. I do normally take him home for his lunch and nap so theoretically I could use nap time to tidy up but honestly I normally end up napping with him or watching Netflix on the sofa. It sounds silly but I really look forward to nap time because its time for me to just chill or sleep, and the thought of cleaning during that time is just not appealing. Our son has never slept through the night and he's nearly 2. I'm talking waking multiple times every night, so I am exhausted most the time and because he only wants boob and his dads got to get up early, I do all the night settling.

On weekends my partner does help with the cleaning and tidying. But its weekdays he has an issue with. I completely get the wanting to come home to a clean and tidy house, I mean, who wouldn't? But its the expectation that I can and should make this happen, whilst also implying I am lazy for not being able to achieve this, which I take issue with. Our house is definitely not neglected. I tidy up and clean EVERYDAY yet its still a mess. The more time I'm at home with my son, the more mess created, but if I'm out with him a lot then there's no time to tidy up. It almost feels like what he is asking is impossible.
In his eyes, having a couple of glasses in the sink and some crumbs on the kitchen counters is messy. But in my eyes, it's not that deep because I know how many countless glasses and plates I've already just washed up and put away and I probably also cleaned the surfaces an hour ago. He doesn't see this though, he will only notice the things I've not done.

I hoover most days, I do all the laundry, I clean the toilet everyday, make the beds up. I don't mind doing these things but I don't know how much more I can do without sacrificing my uni work or time with my son.

YABU - you could do more, especially when toddler naps
YANBU- he needs to chill out

@WhiteVelvet

huh?

The post is for Goldbar.

Carry on as you were with debating the thread of AIBU: He says I need to fix up and clean the house before he gets home.

I think that @Goldbar was getting a tap on the shoulder from some sort of International Feminist Ring, a bit like when you get recruited by MI5.

😂

I'm certainly into people not sleepwalking into unbalanced, controlling and potentially abusive relationships.

But then, shouldn't we all be?

Hi, yes I have just read that. I don't think my partner is trying to sabotage my degree, because, for instance if he asks how my day's going and I say 'I'm struggling with my work, I've been procrastinating and can't focus.' He'll normally give me some advice on the importance of time management and being disciplined etc. He's never once told me it's not important or to quit, I think if he said that then I could see the point but he never has.

Also, I definitely don't think he 'groomed' me. Neither of us had ever been with someone much older/younger, it's not like he's some sort of predator. It just kind of happened and obviously having an unplanned baby too, we both decided it is best for our son to have a 2 parent family.

How much older is he?

With his strict gym and diet regime do you think he has ocd? I've know a few men like this (including my BIL) and I can't think of anything worse than being married to one

Between 15-20 years older. (don't want to say his exact age.) It's closer to 15 though.

OP, I am a mother of many. No really, double whatever number you just thought of, and maybe add another one for good luck.

I'm on the 10k home stretch of a 50k word dissertation for my master's. Before that, I spent 3 years getting my undergraduate degree. Before that, I was a year getting entrance qualifications. It's been 5 years of solid education and I am wiped. I set up a business in December. My house is a shit tip.

It drives me mad. It drives my partner mad. It drives us all mad. But never, not ever would my partner hold me responsible for it. I am taking a year out to give my family some much needed mother presence and then I'm going back to do my PhD, and we won't blame me then, either.

That being said, in spite of being a mother of a small army, I could do absolutely none of this with a 1yo child. Simply because you can't chip away at housework whenever you're free since you have to be around for the kid's needs in a much more demanding way.

Give yourself a break.

Hmm I don't think so. But admittedly I don't know much about OCD. I think the diet is more about him caring about his health, which I don't think is a bad thing. It does cause a bit of friction sometimes he will make comments if I ask him to get me a fanta from the shop and god forbid I order a takeaway 😂

Well done for expressing your agency as a woman with her own mind. Young as you are, don’t be bullied into victimhood and being put on the down low because ‘age gap’.

I suspect that if I was your Mum, I probably would have had a hard time dealing with the age gap of your partner, but as long as you were happy, healthy and safe i’d have eventually come around.

I really do hope you can work it out with her. You only get one Mum.

All the best

What are his good points?

@hayley3212

I don't mean "groom" in the most sinister sense of the word. And he may not be actively sabotaging your degree. But everything you have communicated about him suggests a pattern of him being a bit of an over-bearing micro-manager who thinks his needs come first and that he knows best.

The fact that he responds to you being overwhelmed and exhausted by "[giving] me some advice on the importance of time management" is very telling. So instead of sympathising, hearing you and offering to help or cut you a bit of slack he's just lecturing you about time management, like a parent telling a teenager off for not doing their homework. He's not actually hearing you or empathising with what you need at all, and not considering how he can help take the load off, just banging on to you about your supposed shortcomings.

I don't know if the age gap is relevant but very clearly sees you as the junior partner in the relationship and also very clearly thinks, whether or not you do your degree, that housework, childcare and facilitating his life take precedence.

I'm not sure we're quite in LTB territory yet but I would definitely not de-emphasise your degree because he wants cups washed up more efficiently. That degree could be very important to you down the line.

This is more red flags to me. Are you happy, OP? Please don't feel trapped or forced to settle with someone you can't be relaxed with.

He gives you lectures on the importance of time management?! Was he your old teacher or something.

Have you had this conversation with him? Saying what you said to us about naps etc? What did the say?

I find there is usually one clean freak and one not arsed in a relationship.

We're the other way, I've only been working part time until recently I'm not a SAHM.. and I feel like the house needs to be spotless to prove a point I'm not lazy. DH has often told me to stop being so obsessed with tidying and that it's not fair to keep tidying our children's toys away while they're still up.
He's so messy and untidy though it drives me mad, but he does cook.

I don't think YABU at all tbh, but you do need to find a happy medium.

How did you meet?

YANBU at all. You do so much and your days sound mega full. Not sure if this is any help but, does your 1yo get to nap on the days they are in childcare. All children are different but we find sleep begets sleep and if they get a good long nap in daytime at that age sleep might be better at night.

So you were 19 when he, a man in his mid thirties, got you pregnant? I’m not surprised your family haven’t been too accommodating to him. They see him for what he is.

You need to run a mile from this man and please do not marry him.

You hoover most days? How much mess do the 3 of you make? I hoover at most twice a week. I aim to do at most half hour of cleaning a day one room/area a day, with one area deep cleaned every 7 weeks. (Windows cleaned, furniture moved so you can clean behind, etc). I do four/five big loads of washing a week (4 of us). I think you need to have a good chat to him about what he and you want. This is not a good start to a marriage. I work as a teacher 3 days a week so do in reality a 30-40 hour week. If you don't want to clean more (and why should you) and he wants a cleaner house, this isn't going to end well. My answer to my husband if ever he said he wanted the house cleaner would be to show him where the hoover and cleaning materials are....but he wouldn't dare!!!

Although I have hit the YANBU button as having kids can be tiring and your husband shouldn’t really be having a go, I think the things he is moaning about are quick wins and probably should be done automatically. I wfh and at dinner time my plates go straight in the dishwasher and a 30 second wipe down of worktops keeps my house clean, clothes go straight in the washing basket after I shower, bed made as soon as I get up, bathroom cleaned daily when I get a spare 5 mins and a daily wash load of laundry keeps that at a minimum.

if you stay on top of all these things then it’s not a big job come the weekend, my house doesn’t have a thing out of place as I literally have a place for everything and I tidy as I go.

I can't understand why anyone is "seeing both sides" here. He's controlling and he's taking the piss. He's going to get worse. You realise this, yes?
Why is his time more valuable than yours? He cooks. And that's because he's following a special diet so it benefits him. You do everything else. And still it's not enough to meet his standards.
Too many red flags here. Please don't marry this man. This isn't a partnership. He's not encouraging you to pursue your studies, he sees them as secondary to his interests. You're worth so much more than this.
know your worth. Find a man who's proud of your achievements or go it alone. I did.

But you are not his equal are you?

How many hours recreational activity do you get to yourself compared to his 5-10 hrs per week in the gym plus whatever else he does?

You work 30-40 hrs per week (or should be able to), manage all the nights and he clearly sees you as the default parent/cleaner/housekeeper. He cooks dinner - big deal, you are dealing with the child at that time.

If you were my daughter I would really not want to see you marry a man like this - men do not change when they marry and men who see women as the default housekeeper/carer tend to be on their best behaviour before marriage.

Can you at least delay getting married to see if you can develop a more equal relationship?

Absolutely every word of this. He's really done a number on OP.