He says I need to fix up and clean the house before he gets home

[hayley3212]

His words.

Him being my partner, soon to be husband, and father of our 1 year old. He said things need to change and he doesn't want to come home to an untidy house each day. I don't disagree with him on that and I would love for things to be tidier too, but I'd like to know how that is even possible.

He works full time, leaves the house at 5am to go to the gym everyday and from there he works 8-6 and is home by 7. When he's home he normally cooks dinner for us whilst I put our son to bed.

I don't work but am at uni full-time, where I'm meant to spend around 30-40 hours a week studying. Our son is in childcare 3 days a week for 10 hours a day. During these days I attend lectures and seminars, study and work on assignments etc. Sometimes I will be at home and not actually at uni, if for instance, there is a reading week/term break and sometimes I just prefer staying at home to study. I pick our son up at 6 and am home with him by 6:15, then we usually play, I breastfeed him and just chill (as it's been so long since I've seen him and I really miss him on these days.) I don't have much time to clean and tidy because I am doing my uni work, of course I do still take time in the day to do this but it does mean less time studying so I try to be quick.

The other 2 days a week I'm at home with my son just the two of us. I say at home, but I try to spend as little time at home as possible. This is because I get really over stimulated being at home with him all day so I take him out to parks mainly because I like being in nature, and we also go to soft play and libraries sometimes too. I do normally take him home for his lunch and nap so theoretically I could use nap time to tidy up but honestly I normally end up napping with him or watching Netflix on the sofa. It sounds silly but I really look forward to nap time because its time for me to just chill or sleep, and the thought of cleaning during that time is just not appealing. Our son has never slept through the night and he's nearly 2. I'm talking waking multiple times every night, so I am exhausted most the time and because he only wants boob and his dads got to get up early, I do all the night settling.

On weekends my partner does help with the cleaning and tidying. But its weekdays he has an issue with. I completely get the wanting to come home to a clean and tidy house, I mean, who wouldn't? But its the expectation that I can and should make this happen, whilst also implying I am lazy for not being able to achieve this, which I take issue with. Our house is definitely not neglected. I tidy up and clean EVERYDAY yet its still a mess. The more time I'm at home with my son, the more mess created, but if I'm out with him a lot then there's no time to tidy up. It almost feels like what he is asking is impossible.
In his eyes, having a couple of glasses in the sink and some crumbs on the kitchen counters is messy. But in my eyes, it's not that deep because I know how many countless glasses and plates I've already just washed up and put away and I probably also cleaned the surfaces an hour ago. He doesn't see this though, he will only notice the things I've not done.

I hoover most days, I do all the laundry, I clean the toilet everyday, make the beds up. I don't mind doing these things but I don't know how much more I can do without sacrificing my uni work or time with my son.

YABU - you could do more, especially when toddler naps
YANBU- he needs to chill out

I started a degree when my children were 5 and 3, one at school and one at nursery 30 hours per week. It was so hard. My house was a mess most of the time. Are you sure there is nothing else that might be triggering your fiancée's ridiculous attitude? I presume you don't share the bed much with your son waking up frequently in the night. I suspect it's either your fiancee is very controlling or he is bothered about lack of sex. If it's the former don't marry him. Disentangle now while your son is very young and won't remember much. If it's the latter you need to make a decision.

Maybe go and get a job instead of worrying about how little "chill time" you get

She has two jobs already - she's a 21 year old full-time student and caring for a child.

Theres a few things going on here.

The first is that the two of you should have equal amounts of spare time to spend doing what you like. Do you think that you do?

The second is that your son needs to be sleep trained. You need to work together on this, come up with a plan you are both happy with and implement it.

The third is that you need to look at the division of chores. Not only time spent but what kind of chores. It’s not ok for him to just do the things that he enjoys, like cooking. It’s not ok to leave all child related tasks to you because your son needs to form a bond with both parents.

You also both need to remember that life with a young child is tough and sacrifices need to be made by both parents.

Broken sleep every night for 2 years is an absolute killer for both mental and physical health. I had a non sleeper and some days I could barely string a sentence together or write a shopping list.
Everything will get easier of you get the sleep issue sorted, whether that is by talking to your HV, getting your partner to help or getting a sleep consultant.

You're unusual, then!

They usually sleep better when mothers night wean. At the very least, the OP need to night wean, just so that she can rule this out as a cause of the wakings.

If she night weans and her child still barely sleeps, there may be other reasons, or it may be a very difficult problem where there is no solution other than to engage in really harsh sleep training or wait for him to grow out of it.

But until she's actually done this, I'm going to stick to my opinion that her lack of sleep is something that she is probably perfectly capable of improving but is choosing not to.

This thread is quite disturbing. Here’s a very clear picture of an older man who has clearly identified a teenager as a partner knowing she probably has less robust boundaries and has groomed her to being a traditional facilitator for him.

Whether or not he’s abusive isn’t clear but at best he’s very “traditional” (usually code for misogynistic).

The clear subtext is that he doesn’t want the OP to complete her degree because he realises the better educated she is the less powerful he becomes. So it suits him to mither her about housework while he’s off “breadwinning” and going to the gym. While she is nursing and caring for their child on very little sleep.

And the vast majority of people commenting on this thread can’t get beyond the minutiae of when she is running a cloth over the kitchen countertops and whether they have a dishwasher. As if this was relevant. And people actually suggesting she is being self indulgent by wanting to study to improve her earnings.

Do those of you who think she’s not doing enough housework actually think financial reliance on this prince of a man and keeping the home to his satisfaction are more important than the wellbeing of the OP and her child?

Talk about not being able to see the wood for the trees…

@Thepeopleversuswork . Totally agree. It's disturbing the number of people who think the OP should do more housework/study less. Waste of her time at her age.

If you encourage a 19 year old student to continue a pregnancy and have a baby with you, then you've chosen to have a child with someone in the middle of their education who probably doesn't have much employment history/current earning potential. And who is very young without much life experience. In those circumstances, it sits very badly to go on about being the "breadwinner" and wanting a tidy house, when you're in large part responsible for their extremely vulnerable position and dependence on you.

I'd cook every night too, if it got me out of the childcare/bath time/ wrangling kids to sleep. Glass of wine poured, podcast on, using ingredients that someone else has bought, using pots that someone else will wash.

That's hardly a fucking chore. It's practically a hobby!

Also, if she is doing bedtime while he cooks, then she's clearly already cooked during the day as her child needs to eat

Wow so many comments here, can't reply individually to all. But thank you for all the advice and insights it's really helpful.

I understand how I am being 'lazy', and hats-off to all the people who do more than me because I honestly can't imagine! I don't really like that word because it has such negative connotations. I do struggle keeping my head above water at times. Hopefully once the sleep issue is sorted I will be able to handle everything else better.
I am lucky in many ways as others have said, to be able to do my degree and not worry about money too much. I'm very grateful for that, but at the same time that doesn't mean I find it all easy. It's been a big adjustment from living in a box room in student accom to a house with a baby! I will try to make more of an effort to sort things out before my partner is home, but at the same time, like some have said, our boy will only be young for a while and I don't want to stress over it too much.

On a positive note, our son is happy and healthy so that's the main thing.

@Thepeopleversuswork @Goldbar I agree, she's not being indulgent by finishing her degree, it's important. It's important to try and build work skills and experience, have some savings/income of your own, start a pension and think of the future. Even if he's always going to be better paid, it's good to have something of your own. One, there's more money and stability for the family, two, if anything goes wrong, you have something to fall back on. If she can try and build a career and get a better paid job, she should. There's several threads on here about SAHMs ending up in a terrible financial position. Time with her child is important too. He gets an hour or two at the gym every day! I think he's too used to having his own way and living a well ordered life, it's not that easy when you have small children.

You're taking on a lot more than many people your age, and sleep deprivation makes everything so much harder! Please do think about whether this is a relationship you want to be in long-term. A loving partner would be asking how they could help, not criticising. And you absolutely should not be going without sleep every night because he can't go one day without his gym fix.

@hayley3212 . Facilitating you finishing your degree was really the very least he could do if he wanted to have this baby with you.... You don't really have to be super-grateful for that imo - I take it your partner had the chance to finish his own education when he was your age?

This is a tough time for you... Accumulated sleep deprivation is hard. I'm on my second poor sleeper and 18 months in and it builds up and wipes you out. But hang in there and focus on your child and your degree. You'll be in a much better position whatever happens in your relationship if you finish it.

I hope things go well for you in your relationship and you both manage to make acceptable compromises, but please remember that you are equals in this relationship, despite the age gap. Rest and leisure time should be fairly divided, you should both be getting time to catch up on sleep and you should both spend time with your child and contribute to the household chores. You're not a child and you're not anyone's servant. It's not your role to facilitate someone else's life at the expense of your own ambitions and aspirations.

I feel like you’re not really reading the comments closely enough. Take another look at, for example, @Thepeopleversuswork post at 8:40 today.

So if he gets to go to the gym for say 2 hours each morning, when you do get a few hours each day for you to do what you please? I'm sure he gets a break during work?
Your son's nails time is your tiny bit of rest time for yourself.
Studying is the same as working.
Does he want his child to have a nice childhood on your days not studying or to spend it all cleaning and not taking him out?
Can't have it both ways. But, I do totiget how stressful it is to have a messy house when in this situation. I clean constantly, but my house is usually messy!

@hayley3212

I understand how I am being 'lazy', and hats-off to all the people who do more than me because I honestly can't imagine! I don't really like that word because it has such negative connotations. I do struggle keeping my head above water at times. Hopefully once the sleep issue is sorted I will be able to handle everything else better.

I mean this with total kindness but I think you've got this all wrong and I think a lot of people on this thread have been unkind and small minded to you and it's skewing your judgement.

No one can reasonably accuse a woman with a breastfeeding child who is a doing a degree of being lazy and people who are saying that to you need to have a word with themselves. I'm not easily shockable but I'm shocked at this thread, this is usually a supportive board when it comes to men who don't pull their weight.

Your priorities in my view are in this order: 1. Take care of your child and 2. Complete your education, to increase your broader household wealth and also to give yourself some protection in the event that this guy becomes more controlling. This is putting your child first. Not worrying about whether there is a cup out on the worktop.

Between you work out how you want to approach housework. But as long as the basics are covered and your home is clean, this is way down the list. And if a cup being out on the worktop bothers him that much you know who can deal with it.

Have a think about what you want your life to look like in five years. If he won't allow you to achieve your best self on his terms, you might be better off without him.

The only days of the week it's reasonable for you to shoulder the bulk of the domestic chores are the two days you are not an uni and your dp is at work. That's the time when, if possible, the laundry gets done and the bathroom gets a clean, and the food shop is done where feasible balancing the needs of the baby

On the 3 days you are at uni and dp is at work, it should be bare minimum done. Feed abd care for baby, feed and care for each other.

On the 2 days a week that you are both off, share the load. Get the housework done, spend lots of time with the baby (ideally dp spends 1.2.1 time with baby here) and you also should be trying to carve out a few hours to yourself here, to balance the free time your dp has every weekday that he uses for his hobby.

Don't marry him. He sees you as a maid, not a partner. Leave and racecourse the trouble. Don't have more kids with him.

Agree

Hope you don’t feel too bad, it’s so difficult to juggle a toddler and a clean house!

The days I have my son, who is a little bit older than yours at 19 months, and I find tidying up whilst he naps the easiest. I put something on my phone and blitz the kitchen, bathrooms and fold some laundry. I can tend to do most jobs whilst watching one episode of something. Once that’s up, I then treat myself to a sit down on the sofa for the second half of his nap.

In the afternoon, I set him up with something low key whilst I do another little tidy - drawing or reading books, sometimes I even stick on some tv for him whilst I sort dinner.

Find little wins and I hope your degree goes well!

Don’t marry this prick.

Basically.

Or only marry him if you think you stand to benefit financially from doing so and then exit stage left as soon as you can.

He is not going to enhance your ability to improve your own life or that of your child, so take what you need and be on your way, to misquote Noel Gallagher.

I agree with this. I'm not sure about the "don't marry him" advice.

If you're staying with him at least in the short-term, I'd probably marry him asap if you can and that way if the relationship breaks down you stand a better chance of getting proper financial provision for your DC. Unmarried, you'd only be entitled to what the CM.calculator tells you for child maintenance while, if married, your needs and prospects would also be considered in any financial settlement.

Sorry people, i’m going to highjack this post for a mo.

You’re really quite Womens Rights.

What are you doing in the fight for regaining the loss of our rights at the moment, in the bigger picture of things?

Are you interested in joining the fight if you’re not already?