He says I need to fix up and clean the house before he gets home

[hayley3212]

His words.

Him being my partner, soon to be husband, and father of our 1 year old. He said things need to change and he doesn't want to come home to an untidy house each day. I don't disagree with him on that and I would love for things to be tidier too, but I'd like to know how that is even possible.

He works full time, leaves the house at 5am to go to the gym everyday and from there he works 8-6 and is home by 7. When he's home he normally cooks dinner for us whilst I put our son to bed.

I don't work but am at uni full-time, where I'm meant to spend around 30-40 hours a week studying. Our son is in childcare 3 days a week for 10 hours a day. During these days I attend lectures and seminars, study and work on assignments etc. Sometimes I will be at home and not actually at uni, if for instance, there is a reading week/term break and sometimes I just prefer staying at home to study. I pick our son up at 6 and am home with him by 6:15, then we usually play, I breastfeed him and just chill (as it's been so long since I've seen him and I really miss him on these days.) I don't have much time to clean and tidy because I am doing my uni work, of course I do still take time in the day to do this but it does mean less time studying so I try to be quick.

The other 2 days a week I'm at home with my son just the two of us. I say at home, but I try to spend as little time at home as possible. This is because I get really over stimulated being at home with him all day so I take him out to parks mainly because I like being in nature, and we also go to soft play and libraries sometimes too. I do normally take him home for his lunch and nap so theoretically I could use nap time to tidy up but honestly I normally end up napping with him or watching Netflix on the sofa. It sounds silly but I really look forward to nap time because its time for me to just chill or sleep, and the thought of cleaning during that time is just not appealing. Our son has never slept through the night and he's nearly 2. I'm talking waking multiple times every night, so I am exhausted most the time and because he only wants boob and his dads got to get up early, I do all the night settling.

On weekends my partner does help with the cleaning and tidying. But its weekdays he has an issue with. I completely get the wanting to come home to a clean and tidy house, I mean, who wouldn't? But its the expectation that I can and should make this happen, whilst also implying I am lazy for not being able to achieve this, which I take issue with. Our house is definitely not neglected. I tidy up and clean EVERYDAY yet its still a mess. The more time I'm at home with my son, the more mess created, but if I'm out with him a lot then there's no time to tidy up. It almost feels like what he is asking is impossible.
In his eyes, having a couple of glasses in the sink and some crumbs on the kitchen counters is messy. But in my eyes, it's not that deep because I know how many countless glasses and plates I've already just washed up and put away and I probably also cleaned the surfaces an hour ago. He doesn't see this though, he will only notice the things I've not done.

I hoover most days, I do all the laundry, I clean the toilet everyday, make the beds up. I don't mind doing these things but I don't know how much more I can do without sacrificing my uni work or time with my son.

YABU - you could do more, especially when toddler naps
YANBU- he needs to chill out

He works long hours, comes home to cook every night, and tidies and cleans at the weekend. That's a lot

It's not a lot, it's the same load he would have if he were single & childless although probably with some tidying up of baby's toys. Actually, it's less than he'd have if he lived alone because the OP tidies up everything after dinner.

And he works 8-6, those hours aren't that long. Im mid thirties and since graduating at age 21 and going into office based work I've never had a job with shorter hours than that, except for 1 year when I could start at 9. Obviously there are many different jobs out there but that is pretty standard for many corporate jobs at least.

It sounds like he has very little idea of what it's like to look after a 1 year old all day, let alone trying to study too! How often does he look after your little one all day? I think you should go out for a few full days, at the weekend, and leave him in charge. See if you come back to a perfectly clean & tidy house! The fact that he feels he can basically order you to clean and tidy the house before he comes home is concerning 😟

He works 8-6, sleeps like a baby and has energy for 2 hours of gym every fucking morning. He cooks dinner- I mean so what, does he not eat?? He does nothing there that a single man with a perfectly average job does, he doesn’t work long hours and he doesn’t do much at all at home. I work longer hours than him, which is far less hours than I used to work, i have 3 young dc, never ever get an uninterrupted nights sleep, and do not have the energy for 2 hours of gym any day. If I took that time it wouldn’t be fair on my husband. Just as he’s not being fair on his partner. So to see these people who work bog standard hours call them ‘long’ and why they can’t do anything else at home for their partner and baby- boohoo cry me a river, grow up and tidy the living room.

I don't know tbh.
I have a 5 year old, 2.8 year old who is probably the hardest toddler I've ever witnessed, screams all day and is constant (not in nursery). And I managed to study my degree and work in the evenings while being pregnant. I now have a 4 month old and even though my home isn't perfect and I'm not studying anymore,I got to sleep in a tidy home and I only just weaned my toddler from breastfeeding a few months before my baby came.

I cannot see how you haven't got a hour while your studying to fold some laundry, or keep on top of things. I often watched my university lectures while folding/ironing etc, playing with dinosaurs lol

It's bloody hard but it can be done, you just need to prioritise a little more. If your husband is abusive that's a different matter but I have a feeling he thinks you're being a slob (sorry) and I think he's reasonable in the opinion that you do have enough time to keep on top of things especially you don't have to worry about cooking etc because he does it.

It's not a race to the fucking bottom you know!

Maybe the bloke could take an hour or so in his workouts to fold the washing or keep on top of things?

I can't imagine what my flat would look like if my partner did not hoover, make dinner and packed lunches, wash dishes, put bleach down the toilet, wash/make beds every day and do a general tidy of the living room.

Houses do need to be cleaned every day unless you are living in a complete tip all week and doing a mega deep clean at the weekend.

Who doesnt wash up daily?
Fair enough scrubbing bathroom etc but surely do that during the week when they are at work so you can spend time together at the weekend

The bloke cleans on weekends and cooks all week? And she has her child in childcare while she studies all day apparently and doesn't seem to clean up after herself

It's not a race to the bottom but he's hardly telling her to become a clean freak and a 40s housewife

If OP was working all week and cooking every dinner and cleaning all weekend. I'm sure she would be told she's allowed to go the gym

Some of the people in this thread - as well as your partner - make me VERY grateful for my own. A couple of glasses in the sink is a normal state of affairs, not an 'untidy house'. It all feels a bit controlling - he gets to cook, he gets to make demands about what the house is like. If he can't cope with a few crumbs on the counter now, he'll be much worse when you have more children/things get more chaotic. Of course if you're happy to make things the way he wants them, go for it - if not, best have it out now before you're married...

I'd be interested to know what degree you're doing... when I was at uni although the recommended study/reading time was 30/40 hours nobody did anything like that. I got a first in a biological science degree from a good uni, doing a max 20hrs a week. You do sound pretty lazy to be honest. I take it back if you're doing technical degree and have long hrs on placements, but it doesn't sound like it from your posts.

• you’re doing an incredible job. Sleep deprivation is so hard and you’re managing a degree too! Amazing work!
• Nap times are amazing. Sometimes I clean, sometimes I cook a batch of something, sometimes I nap, sometimes I mainline Facebook reels…. It depends on the day and the previous night to be honest but the baby being down does not mean I have to fill the time or feel guilty
• Love how no mumsnetters have any cups on their kitchen counters or a wee smattering of crumbs on the work top by the toaster…. I hope you all collected your wee gold stars
• Your degree and SAHM work are as valid as his work. Parenting is a team and everyone divides that differently but the fact he brings in money right now does not make his contribution worth more
• He cooks but you clean it up? That’s the worst part of dinner! Without a dishwasher too! And he “helps” to clean at weekends implying that it’s your main role and he’s just supporting. Is he not an adult with hands? Does he not live in the house? Why should that be your main role?

I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation. He doesn’t sound brilliant and if you can and it’s safe to, I would definitely let him look after baby and clean the house alone for a couple of days while you take some you time which seems to be completely lacking at the moment. Perhaps he could take the opportunity to help wean!!!!

I don’t have an opinion or at least a worthwhile one on the OP as I can see both sides and the thread is long but this one really got me! 😂 Of course a house with children in it needs to be cleaned daily, I can’t even imagine the state of things if I left it all to a weekend or something.

I had a husband like your soon to be one. The house was spotless, even though there was an 8 year old and a baby.
I basically told him that he could do it himself if he wasn't happy. He shut up.
I was married to him for the grand total of 3 years.
The final nail, was him hitting ds2, who was 2 at the time, for uppending a bag of flour outside. He was snoozing on the sofa, I was out shopping. Giant red handprint on ds2's leg when I got home.

So KingDH gets to swan off out of the house to his hobby daily, before going to work, and presumably before DC is awake, and then arrive back at DC's bedtime (or not long before). He then chooses to cook rather than do bedtime meaning he mustn't actually clap eyes on his child in a working week. He then gets to stay in bed for all the night wakings because he needs to get up early for his hobby meaning he "can't" help with the night weaning which should actually help you get better nights all round. And to top it off he waltzes in accusing you of being lazy because the house isn't spotless....

And you're marrying him because.....???

This. He needs to help you with the nights at least, getting to enjoy his hobby daily shouldn't be prioritised over your need for some proper sleep. It would be a red flag for me that he either hasn't noticed or doesn't care how sleep deprived you are. You should be a partnership. It's his child too.

Tell him to pay a cleaner ! Problem solved

Don't stress.

Say I will when I can.

Breastfeeding kids is more then a FT job. And the nature walks are essential for your mental health. As is relaxing when he naps.

He will get older, he will sleep better, he will nurse less, you will find time to 'fix up and tidy the house'.

X

I suspect that the true situation is halfway in between what the OP is saying and what her partner is saying, and that they both need to compromise a bit.

The bloke needs to accept that when you’ve got a little kid and don’t have a full time SAHP, things are going to be messier than usual. He needs to make sure he’s pulling his weight as well.

However, it does sound like the OP is being a bit slack. I breastfed my kids till they were three, but I nightweaned fairly early and got them “mostly” sleeping through as early as possible. By 18mo, we were just one one feed in the morning and one at night.

At nearly 2, this child should be well beyond the stage feeding all night long; the OP needs to nightwean and sleeptrain. Apart from anything else, it may not be good for his teeth.

I understand taking a bit of time to chill during nap times, but I also think the OP should try to use some of this time to do a bit of tidying up and housework. It sounds like there is an awful lot of sofa-lolling and Netflix going on. I suspect she’s doing this in part because she is tired out due to not getting any proper sleep all night long. She needs to toughen up and sleep train her kid, pronto. In my experience, once they learn that the milk bar closes at night, they usually stop waking you up!

Breastfeeding kids is more then a FT job

No, it bloody well isn’t, unless we’re talking about at the very hard end (if you have young twins, if your child or you has medical issues, or in the very early stages when you are recovering from the birth).

I got a lot of help in the first few weeks, but once we were past that period, I was still mostly able to keep the house under control.

Breastfeeding an almost 2yo should be a question of a couple of quick feeds day for a child who should be drinking water and cow’s milk (or other similar drinks) from a cup and eating a solid food diet; it’s not actually optimal from a health point of view for them to fill up on too much breast milk as it will crowd iron-rich foods out of their diet, and nursing all night long may increase the risk of dental caries. Breast milk is a good food, but there needs to be a sensible balance.

With due respect, bollocks. In my experience, 19 times out of 20, their sleep improves dramatically once the breast milk supply at night is switched off.

Expecting a toddler to sleep all night long when they know they can get breast milk all night long is like expecting me to sleep soundly with a box of chocolates on my bedside table. In that kind of setup, I’d be waking up all night long to fulfill my emotional needs (chomp, guzzle, slurp) all night long as well!

it depends.

A fair response and often I think 'the true situation is halfway in between what the OP is saying and what her partner is saying' idea applies to many posts on mn.

if it was reverse gender you'd not say that and let's be honest the responses be very different here.

I think he's expecting a lot given your at uni with a toddler and he's barely there.

Maybe try to have a routine to keep on top. So pots are done after a meal. Wipe as you go. At end of day chuck toys in a basket.

I'd do bathroom once a week. Hoover a couple times a week (you can alway sweep in kitchen) Washing id try to keep on top of so it doesn't pile up.

But definitely take some chill time too. And talk to him about what your day is like, it sounds like he doesn't understand how busy you are.

I also would not accept being spoken to like a child. I'd expect an apology. With regard to meals are you happy eating that late? I'd be tempted to eat with toddler. Clean your own stuff up and then he cooks and cleans for himself.

I’ve got 3 of those 1 in 20 then. I just don’t think that’s true.

I think until she gets sleep at night then sofa looking and Netflix is understandable because you’re tired, your brain is tired, it has to study several days a week and look after a toddler all day and all night and that’s about its limit. There isn’t excess energy and willpower to sprint around maximising every available second because you’re too tired. I’d like to see him do it- he gets sleep at night and he doesn’t seem able to clean up.