He says I need to fix up and clean the house before he gets home

[hayley3212]

His words.

Him being my partner, soon to be husband, and father of our 1 year old. He said things need to change and he doesn't want to come home to an untidy house each day. I don't disagree with him on that and I would love for things to be tidier too, but I'd like to know how that is even possible.

He works full time, leaves the house at 5am to go to the gym everyday and from there he works 8-6 and is home by 7. When he's home he normally cooks dinner for us whilst I put our son to bed.

I don't work but am at uni full-time, where I'm meant to spend around 30-40 hours a week studying. Our son is in childcare 3 days a week for 10 hours a day. During these days I attend lectures and seminars, study and work on assignments etc. Sometimes I will be at home and not actually at uni, if for instance, there is a reading week/term break and sometimes I just prefer staying at home to study. I pick our son up at 6 and am home with him by 6:15, then we usually play, I breastfeed him and just chill (as it's been so long since I've seen him and I really miss him on these days.) I don't have much time to clean and tidy because I am doing my uni work, of course I do still take time in the day to do this but it does mean less time studying so I try to be quick.

The other 2 days a week I'm at home with my son just the two of us. I say at home, but I try to spend as little time at home as possible. This is because I get really over stimulated being at home with him all day so I take him out to parks mainly because I like being in nature, and we also go to soft play and libraries sometimes too. I do normally take him home for his lunch and nap so theoretically I could use nap time to tidy up but honestly I normally end up napping with him or watching Netflix on the sofa. It sounds silly but I really look forward to nap time because its time for me to just chill or sleep, and the thought of cleaning during that time is just not appealing. Our son has never slept through the night and he's nearly 2. I'm talking waking multiple times every night, so I am exhausted most the time and because he only wants boob and his dads got to get up early, I do all the night settling.

On weekends my partner does help with the cleaning and tidying. But its weekdays he has an issue with. I completely get the wanting to come home to a clean and tidy house, I mean, who wouldn't? But its the expectation that I can and should make this happen, whilst also implying I am lazy for not being able to achieve this, which I take issue with. Our house is definitely not neglected. I tidy up and clean EVERYDAY yet its still a mess. The more time I'm at home with my son, the more mess created, but if I'm out with him a lot then there's no time to tidy up. It almost feels like what he is asking is impossible.
In his eyes, having a couple of glasses in the sink and some crumbs on the kitchen counters is messy. But in my eyes, it's not that deep because I know how many countless glasses and plates I've already just washed up and put away and I probably also cleaned the surfaces an hour ago. He doesn't see this though, he will only notice the things I've not done.

I hoover most days, I do all the laundry, I clean the toilet everyday, make the beds up. I don't mind doing these things but I don't know how much more I can do without sacrificing my uni work or time with my son.

YABU - you could do more, especially when toddler naps
YANBU- he needs to chill out

@DaffodilsAlready im not sure where you’re getting the fact that he’s much older from? She said he was older. Could be a year, could be 5,10…

And honestly I don’t see the issue with the dinners. I’d be quite happy to have dinner cooked for me every night! The OP has never said she doesn’t like his food and nothing is stopping her from speaking up/cooking her own meals if she hates his?

I think people are so focused on the gender/age thing. To me it’s just about expectations. I like things tidy! A cluttered house = a cluttered mind to me.

So you’re 20 or so. How much older is this ‘much older’ man who demands you keep
his house clean and tidy up the clusterfuck of a kitchen after he’s cooked (while studying full time and or looking after your toddler and dealing with all night wakings on your own)…?

He sounds like a prince. Not.

I'm glad I've found some ladies who see right through the 'male protected me time' also known as the gym.

Us women must facilitate their healthy lifestyles whilst dropping dead over the chores and children. Oh to have the energy for a workout!

Need some clarification to understand the age gap and "culture clash". These two things may seem minor and pertain to not tidying up enough when he's home from work, but it could escalate over time.

Realistically, what do you have in common? He supports and encourages your studies yet complains you're lazy.

Toddler years are hard though, really hard. My advice, don't fall pregnant with number 2 or get married until these seemingly little issues are sorted. What's your degree in?

At 12:35 the OP said he ‘a lot older’ than her.

I'm well aware of what they're saying but it is out of order to say "he got her pregnant" like OP had no say in the matter.

Fucks sake. You’ve gone MRA over semantics? He did get her pregnant. She couldn’t have done it on her own.

@Starspangledrodeopony correct, didn’t read it properly!

But I still stand by my point that it’s not about age/gender- just two people with different standards/expectations.

OP message it clear she wanted to have a child in the post where she said her and her mother fell out over her pregnancy.

No, I think she decided that she wanted to keep the child that she accidentally conceived. That’s not the same as wanting a child and planning to have one.

Of course she had equal responsibility for contraception. But I bet he wasn’t doubling up with a condom just to be on the safe side.

It sounds like you're in two different modes of life. You're in survive mode, sleep deprived, juggling lots of plates, keen to focus on the important things and drop the non-essentials. He sounds like he's in thrive mode, plenty of time for things he enjoys (gym), has high expectations for his quality of life. Feels like there is an mis match and for a start you should be getting as much of a lie in as possible with him getting up with the toddler in the morning, until he stops waking up at night anyway. He can go to the gym after your child is in bed. Perhaps with more energy you can move towards thrive mode.

An older man telling a 21yo whose life consists primarily of studying, childminding and housework that she needs to do even more housework seems like such a shitty thing to do. Especially if they themselves are spending 2 hours daily on their own hobby.

I bet he didn't spend his own early 20s like the OP is.

He can skip the gym and get his exercise cleaning and tidying the house if that's important to him. Best to all work together for the hour if possible as good example for ds. It's very difficult if tidiness not compatible. A quick tidy before he comes home could just end up with him upping the ante about what is acceptable.

How did you meet if he's much older than you?

OP, I would say gently that you have ONE young child that can’t possibly demand undivided attention all day and is in childcare so you have free time to study or clean or go for walk/chill on your own.
Unless you are doing medicine or suchlike, no uni course is a solid 30-40hrs every week and a lot of this, as you’ve indicated, is independent study you can do from home.
You have a partner who is supporting you, enabling your education and therefore your future career, helps around the house and understands you have ambition. He works hard and would like the home environment to be tidy. Unless he has ridiculous standards or expectations for the entire house , that sounds fair. Going to the gym may be for his mental health. Seems fair as you get a lot of time to yourself too and could go to the gym if you wanted.
Seriously, just tidy up after yourself - you’ve got loads of time. It all sounds a bit precious.

I am a full time uni student aswell as having my 1 year old DD and 30 hours really isnt alot. I currently only have childcare covered 2 days a week and its not nearly enough! I do my work on weekends and some evenings aswell but uni is completely overwhelming and undervalued in terms of how much time is needed.

I agree. I'm amazed at people saying 3 days childcare is plenty for a full-time university course. It's not in most cases. It might cover lectures and seminars but most courses will have a large degree of independent study and will require written assignments on top of this. And the OP will be less efficient than most students if she's constantly exhausted due to night wakings.

Laughing at the people who did whatever uni courses had 8 hours a week contact time, saying ‘30 hours is too much’. 😂

How did those degrees work out for you?

OP
Who is paying the bills as you study for 30/40 hours?

I'm a bit surprised he is marrying you,

Why on earth do you hoover and clean the bathroom everyday. There are only two of you using the bathroom and assuming he doesn’t piss on the seat, how dirty can it get?

So you can't both have your cakes and eat them. Surprise!

He works long hours, comes home to cook every night, and tidies and cleans at the weekend. That's a lot.

You go to uni with 30 hours of childcare. Sometimes you have lessons during that time and sometimes you don't. Sometimes you nap, sometimes you don't. Looking after a baby is hard work in any circumstances, so you deserve your rest.

You've both got too much on and you need to either find a way to outsource some of the jobs - you laughed at the idea of a cleaner, but a decent qualification might be worth the financial sacrifice at this stage - or be really supportive and appreciative of each others efforts in the hope that these are short term problems.

Get rid, fuck that

Age is relevant which is why I said to disregard my first post. He dated a teenager who was in uni now is expecting her to forget her studies and be a stay at home mum whilst being rude although I do appreciate he cooks every night but again as op said because she doesn't cook what he wants
He stole her youth I hate men that do that to younger women
Hopefully op will return to answer some of our questions

The rest of this post pretty helpful but breastfeeding as a 'habit not a need'?? Of course OP can totally decide to wean or night wean if she wants - her body, her choice - and yes, it's not a primary food source any more, but why do we as a society not think emotional needs are needs? OP can stop breastfeeding but that will not stop her child having emotional needs that need to be met in a different way.

That's not to mention the continued health benefits for both her and her toddler. But ok, it's 'just a habit'...

Missing the point here but I would sleep train your toddler. He doesn’t need to be breastfed at nearly 2 and you would feel much better if you had uninterrupted sleep every night.