He says I need to fix up and clean the house before he gets home

[hayley3212]

His words.

Him being my partner, soon to be husband, and father of our 1 year old. He said things need to change and he doesn't want to come home to an untidy house each day. I don't disagree with him on that and I would love for things to be tidier too, but I'd like to know how that is even possible.

He works full time, leaves the house at 5am to go to the gym everyday and from there he works 8-6 and is home by 7. When he's home he normally cooks dinner for us whilst I put our son to bed.

I don't work but am at uni full-time, where I'm meant to spend around 30-40 hours a week studying. Our son is in childcare 3 days a week for 10 hours a day. During these days I attend lectures and seminars, study and work on assignments etc. Sometimes I will be at home and not actually at uni, if for instance, there is a reading week/term break and sometimes I just prefer staying at home to study. I pick our son up at 6 and am home with him by 6:15, then we usually play, I breastfeed him and just chill (as it's been so long since I've seen him and I really miss him on these days.) I don't have much time to clean and tidy because I am doing my uni work, of course I do still take time in the day to do this but it does mean less time studying so I try to be quick.

The other 2 days a week I'm at home with my son just the two of us. I say at home, but I try to spend as little time at home as possible. This is because I get really over stimulated being at home with him all day so I take him out to parks mainly because I like being in nature, and we also go to soft play and libraries sometimes too. I do normally take him home for his lunch and nap so theoretically I could use nap time to tidy up but honestly I normally end up napping with him or watching Netflix on the sofa. It sounds silly but I really look forward to nap time because its time for me to just chill or sleep, and the thought of cleaning during that time is just not appealing. Our son has never slept through the night and he's nearly 2. I'm talking waking multiple times every night, so I am exhausted most the time and because he only wants boob and his dads got to get up early, I do all the night settling.

On weekends my partner does help with the cleaning and tidying. But its weekdays he has an issue with. I completely get the wanting to come home to a clean and tidy house, I mean, who wouldn't? But its the expectation that I can and should make this happen, whilst also implying I am lazy for not being able to achieve this, which I take issue with. Our house is definitely not neglected. I tidy up and clean EVERYDAY yet its still a mess. The more time I'm at home with my son, the more mess created, but if I'm out with him a lot then there's no time to tidy up. It almost feels like what he is asking is impossible.
In his eyes, having a couple of glasses in the sink and some crumbs on the kitchen counters is messy. But in my eyes, it's not that deep because I know how many countless glasses and plates I've already just washed up and put away and I probably also cleaned the surfaces an hour ago. He doesn't see this though, he will only notice the things I've not done.

I hoover most days, I do all the laundry, I clean the toilet everyday, make the beds up. I don't mind doing these things but I don't know how much more I can do without sacrificing my uni work or time with my son.

YABU - you could do more, especially when toddler naps
YANBU- he needs to chill out

The tidying up is not the issue, it’s part of a broader pattern. This is not an equal partnership. The OP is 19 and her partner is older (who could have guessed?). She is younger than my DD at university who has all her own time to do her degree, go out with friends and do internships and take society positions. OP is not a mature student with a DC, she is a young woman who was in the middle of a degree when she became pregnant with this man. She has every right possible to spend her time studying when she is not looking after their child, a child which her partner spends no time looking after at all.
So, he is out at work all day. So am I as a single parent. I went years with no gym time. You prioritise small DC.
So, he cooks dinner every night. He does this because he is rigid in his thinking about what he eats. If he is cooking for both of them, he is actually controlling OP’s food as well. That is not a domestic kindness.
A dishwasher and a cleaner may help the situation, but I entirely agree with posters who say that OP should focus on her education and getting financially independent so she has choices what to do with her life. Her partner is not at all restricted in his choices.

And I definitely would not marry the man.

Sleep training is not a good idea ever.

I'm sorry but this is bollocks.

Have you ever thought of toy rotation? Giving your son less toys but changing them giving him less to mess up.

Also maybe on the days you do not have university take your son out but allow some time to tackle some of the cleaning so it doesn't impact on your nap with your son.

I would also speak to your partner. He is out a huge chunk of the day so I do think it would be a bit kinder to offer you some grace as that age is such a tricky one.

Most of all be kind to yourself. It feels hard now but it will get easier.

Yanbu, but bear in mind "full time uni" is rarely 30-40 hours a week in my experience, unless you're studying medicine, sciences, engineering.

How many hours of lectures and seminars do you have a week? Lots of students fit in jobs, extensive hobbies and masses of socialising. You have a baby but also 30 hours childfree time.

You don't need to be leaving glasses and crumbs around the place.

I think he's taking the piss going to the gym every day when he has a 1 year old and the people giving him kudos for making dinner are mad - he would have to make dinner if he were single. Men don't get less responsibility when they acquire a gf & baby. Well maybe some of them do but they shouldn't.

I agree with this 😬 and I dont mind partaking in a little man bashing when the man in question is shit. This one doesn't seem to be. I think you need to pull your socks up a little here OP and muck in.
I also don't see a problem with him going to the gym at 5am. He cooks when he gets home and cracks on on a weekend. Perhaps tell him he's doing half the nights to equal things that way?

Oh and consider some gentle sleep training so you aren't exhausted.

I used to have the first half hour of the nap to sit with a cup of tea etc, then I'd spend 30 mins to an hour tidying up etc.

Work on generating less mess if possible. Id get a dishwasher if at all possible..

@hayley3212 you won't like this but parents are very often right about these things in the long run. The fact your family don't approve of this man speaks volumes. They can see through him better than you can.

I think perhaps you haven't quite woken up to the fact that there's a couple of years when kids are v little when there's precious little time to sit and "chill". Its why people find the baby/toddler years pretty relentless! Most of the time when they are sleep is your only window to clean/tidy/cook/exercise. Thus why your DH is up at 5 to hit the gym - it wouldn't happen otherwise.

Honestly I see 0 red flags . Sometimes I think for women everything a man does can be a red flag . I mean he told her he would take care of her when she’s doing her degree and by the sounds of it working a 60 hour week and she doesn’t have to work around her degree ( as well as doing housework on the weekends and most of the cooking ) shows that he is taking care of her and allowing her all the time she needs to focus on her studies .

You made a huge assumption there that he said that so that she would continue with her pregnancy , absolutely huge assumption

That said, my advice is to try to have a rule of "no more than 2 toys out at one time". That might help.

You could also have a big bucket which you could just shove everything into and hide in a cupboard if you need to. Then sort it out another day when you have more time.

What will you do when your exams are upon you? You'll need full time childcare.

@DaffodilsAlready she was 19 when she got pregnant- her baby is now almost 2. I’m not saying it’s easy but I also got pregnant in my 2nd year of uni. She gets 3 full days to herself- her DS is in crèche 10 hours a day! Her DH is home on the weekends and helps out (all from her posts). So she essentially has her DS alone 2 days a week. She has a lot more help than most! I’m not saying I fully agree with her partner but it’s also not that hard to maintain a bit of cleanliness (I have a 2 yr old and 7 yr old myself and got pregnant during my first degree so I know a thing or two about juggling everything).

We are lucky in the UK that as women and girls we have the option of contraception and if needed, termination. OP has decided to have the child and not opted for a termination. That was her decision. I assume she wasn’t forced into this.

There is an age gap between OP and partner, by how much OP hasn’t said or I haven’t grasped. Again, it is her decision to stay in the relationship. Not all relationships between people of different ages are immediately abusive because of this. I am well aware it isn’t considered the done thing but people do opt for partners of different ages. It happens.

He cooks the evening meal for both of them and you’ve decided that this is controlling. If he is stopping her from eating what she wants, that is controlling yes. Is that what is happening?

I’ve been to uni so I don’t need higher ed explained to me. If you have a child and you are at uni, you have to accept you won’t be able to immerse yourself in all the extra curricular activities available. I didn’t and I didn’t have a child whilst at uni.

Of course she should focus on her education and continue en route to a career. I wasn’t aware I had suggested otherwise.

If you can afford it, get a cleaner. If you’ve room in your kitchen, get a dishwasher.

hopefully, if you are with your DC’s father, they see what you are doing as equal to what they do, they appreciate what you do do and not only comment on what you don’t, and they don’t insist on cooking every single dinner themselves (just to quickly pull a few of the OP’s comments) and going to the gym every day when you have a young DC and hopefully they take an equal share of the parenting when they are home. These are things you would expect when you have a partner, not having to ‘juggle everything’.

It’s not really about glasses and crumbs, it’s about how the overall partnership is working.

And to be frank, I judge an older man who has contributed to a 19 year old becoming pregnant during her undergraduate degree and is now complaining that there are glasses in the sink and crumbs on the counter because she is studying and looking after a young child, and how anyone else manages their childcare challenges is largely irrelevant to this point.

spend the time you have with your baby! They are only little for such a short time. Our house is never up to par either but my husband wants me to be spending my time with our daughter instead of worrying about how clean the baseboards are or having a spotless stovetop.
his mother is my issue. She has came to see us once since our daughter is born and spent the time pointing out things that are not clean, proceeds to send us cleaning products and asks for weeks if we ever cleaned our dish washer because it was “filthy” (it had water spots on the OUTSIDE).

here’s my issue. When she’s on her death bed her kids aren’t going to be thinking about how clean the house was growing up, they’re probably going to be thinking wow our mom never spent time with us because she was too busy obsessing over cleaning

Why are men so self indulgent? How many women with small children do you know who make that amount of time for the gym? I'm betting you're up too but doing childcare...

Even the diet sounds self indulgent. I couldn't be doing with a partner with a strict eating and working out regime whilst bringing up a small child and studying. He is firmly putting himself first but he gets away with it because its a healthy lifestyle.

I know so many men like this - running their marathons, kids cheering on their iron man competitions like they're some hardworking hero. Guess what happened to most of these fitness regimes when the children got older and easier? That's right! They stopped needing to be out the house all the time!

Strongly agree with this:
So, he cooks dinner every night. He does this because he is rigid in his thinking about what he eats. If he is cooking for both of them, he is actually controlling OP’s food as well. That is not a domestic kindness.

and this:
And to be frank, I judge an older man who has contributed to a 19 year old becoming pregnant during her undergraduate degree and is now complaining that there are glasses in the sink and crumbs on the counter because she is studying and looking after a young child, and how anyone else manages their childcare challenges is largely irrelevant to this point.

The rigid “must go to the gym at 5am every day” is very worrying, as is the strict diet. And the dicatorial attitude to the home with no humour or flexibility around things not being perfect.

Do you actually love him and enjoy his company OP? He sounds like a tedious bore.

I actually think you are wrong. You have stated "you want to chill and nap" several times throughout your post.
Your fiance, gets up at 5am to go gym, works till 6 then comes home to cook. It seems he doesn't get time to "chill"
He is the bread winner and because he is you have the luxury to sit at home all day, uni or not.

Get a cleaner if this is such an issue but I do feel you're being a bit lazy and ungrateful, a lot of women on here always complaining their husbands don't even cook or do anything

No, people are pointing out there's a massive power imbalance in this relationship due to age, educational/professional position and financial resources.

Why is it OK for him to indulge himself with the gym going but not for OP (who never sleeps a full night and stays in a child’s bed so as not to wake her partner) to try and catch up on some rest during the day?

I think you've got it all backwards.

Sleep is not a luxury and she is not lazy for needing a catch up nap if she's doing night wake ups.

Conversely, going to the gym is a hobby and an act of self care. It is not an example of him pulling his weight, quite the opposite in fact. It is literally his chill time which he gets every day.

I just read the updated post about you being 19 and him much older. This does change things I thought you decided to keep baby when studying.
Do you even like this man? For your mum to disown you because you got with an older man how old is he?

@DaffodilsAlready And to be frank, I judge an older man who has contributed to a 19 year old becoming pregnant during her undergraduate degree and is now complaining that there are glasses in the sink and crumbs on the counter because she is studying and looking after a young child, and how anyone else manages their childcare challenges is largely irrelevant to this point.

I agree. You said it much better than me.