He says I need to fix up and clean the house before he gets home

[hayley3212]

His words.

Him being my partner, soon to be husband, and father of our 1 year old. He said things need to change and he doesn't want to come home to an untidy house each day. I don't disagree with him on that and I would love for things to be tidier too, but I'd like to know how that is even possible.

He works full time, leaves the house at 5am to go to the gym everyday and from there he works 8-6 and is home by 7. When he's home he normally cooks dinner for us whilst I put our son to bed.

I don't work but am at uni full-time, where I'm meant to spend around 30-40 hours a week studying. Our son is in childcare 3 days a week for 10 hours a day. During these days I attend lectures and seminars, study and work on assignments etc. Sometimes I will be at home and not actually at uni, if for instance, there is a reading week/term break and sometimes I just prefer staying at home to study. I pick our son up at 6 and am home with him by 6:15, then we usually play, I breastfeed him and just chill (as it's been so long since I've seen him and I really miss him on these days.) I don't have much time to clean and tidy because I am doing my uni work, of course I do still take time in the day to do this but it does mean less time studying so I try to be quick.

The other 2 days a week I'm at home with my son just the two of us. I say at home, but I try to spend as little time at home as possible. This is because I get really over stimulated being at home with him all day so I take him out to parks mainly because I like being in nature, and we also go to soft play and libraries sometimes too. I do normally take him home for his lunch and nap so theoretically I could use nap time to tidy up but honestly I normally end up napping with him or watching Netflix on the sofa. It sounds silly but I really look forward to nap time because its time for me to just chill or sleep, and the thought of cleaning during that time is just not appealing. Our son has never slept through the night and he's nearly 2. I'm talking waking multiple times every night, so I am exhausted most the time and because he only wants boob and his dads got to get up early, I do all the night settling.

On weekends my partner does help with the cleaning and tidying. But its weekdays he has an issue with. I completely get the wanting to come home to a clean and tidy house, I mean, who wouldn't? But its the expectation that I can and should make this happen, whilst also implying I am lazy for not being able to achieve this, which I take issue with. Our house is definitely not neglected. I tidy up and clean EVERYDAY yet its still a mess. The more time I'm at home with my son, the more mess created, but if I'm out with him a lot then there's no time to tidy up. It almost feels like what he is asking is impossible.
In his eyes, having a couple of glasses in the sink and some crumbs on the kitchen counters is messy. But in my eyes, it's not that deep because I know how many countless glasses and plates I've already just washed up and put away and I probably also cleaned the surfaces an hour ago. He doesn't see this though, he will only notice the things I've not done.

I hoover most days, I do all the laundry, I clean the toilet everyday, make the beds up. I don't mind doing these things but I don't know how much more I can do without sacrificing my uni work or time with my son.

YABU - you could do more, especially when toddler naps
YANBU- he needs to chill out

@Goldbar
"The OP was 19 when he got her pregnant."

I think people are getting carried away.

He gets down time and doesn't seem to spend any time with his child.

I've read some of your previous responses and it's ringing massive alarm bells. It sounds like he's stuck in the 1950s. Re you baby, it's completely normal for babies to need to breastfeed at night up to 2 and beyond, and for them to be unable to sleep without an adult. Night weaning is not recommended before 18 months. Sleep training is not a good idea ever.

He sounds like the abusive husband in the film “Sleeping With The Enemy”.

Hi op,

we are in a very similar situation: we have a one year old, both doing a postgraduate degree, husband is at work full time. I can guarantee you my house is not super tidy and my husband understands why. He knows I’m busy studying and taking care of our child, and I also need a break during nap time. I think your husband needs to gain a better understanding of what your days entail and grow some compassion. Please don’t feel bad about not having a spotless house, it’s just not feasible in our situation.

What would he do if you said no?

When you're at home with your kid you're looking after your kid. If you were cleaning up you wouldn't be giving him attention.

But aside from that, he sounds like an utter prick.

There are a few things here which could be explored

• have you spoken to your health visitor about the sleep pattern? do you have a plan in place to support? Your DC does not need to be breastfed at night so how can this be reduced/ stopped
• There will be someone locally - a sleep specialist for children that you could also look into
• Is there a physical reason your DC isn’t sleeping, are they hungry (again the HV can help)
• I used to be a nurse lecturer at uni and I have never heard of a course requiring that much extra study - have you spoken to your tutor about this and what you can do differently to help with these hours?
• I think it would be a quick job to do some of the easier tasks 10 mins before he comes in - wipe sides, wash glasses etc
• can you write down everything you do plus your uni hours and make the split of tasks more even?

I really would not marry him though until this is sorted!!

I can see both sides here to be honest. Many people will be totally sleep deprived while holding down jobs and doing household tasks so adding 10-15 mins of jobs onto the days you are home maybe doable? perhaps there is a way of you both organising your jobs/ social time better too?

O for pity's sake OP, don't marry the oaf. He needs to hire a Mrs Danvers and you need to think seriously about your future. He won't improve.

And ffs, don’t tidy up during nap time! Thats a ridiculous notion, the people who suggest that are heartless. I also use nap time to exercise, watch Netflix, or just lie down and listen to a podcast. I can’t really nap during the day but I would if I could.

Honestly do you want to be like a 1950s housewife running round doing a pre husband getting home tidy up? Don't let him step into the role of patriarch we are supposed to be smashing the patriarchy. You are a grown woman and you don't have to have someone imposing their perfectionist cleaning standards on you.

Is it matriarchy if it is the other way around?

I’m strongly feminist to be fair but if I asked my OH to tidy up a bit before I got back because he was the one at home, i’d hope he wouldn’t start thinking of leaving me over it. If he thought my job was to tidy up when I got in, when I wasn’t the one at home making the mess, i’d be pissed off.

Why not tidy up together given it's probably their joint child who is the source of the most of the mess?

That is a good solution.

I really don't think I could consider marrying someone like this.
Fair enough he want's to come home to a clean and tidy house, who doesn't, but with full time uni and looking after a small child, it's never going to be perfect.

I would just concentrate on the obvious stuff, such as keeping surfaces clutter free, vacuuming once or twice a week (not daily necessarily), cleaning sinks daily and just tidying up as you go along. Most of this shouldn't take more than an hour a day

Whilst I agree most pregnancies are because both adults consented to the sex, the biological fact is that a man impregnates a woman.

2 year olds do not need absolutely undivided attention. That is an unrealistic expectation on any Mum. I stayed at home (totally different situation to the OP) but I considered it my job to look after the house. Both my 2 year olds were absolutely fine to play with toys, build with duplo, trains, cars, puzzles, the list goes on whilst I did jobs. Ofcourse they tipped things, but toys take 10 minutes to scoop up.

If I was in her situation at Uni, i’d also get a cleaner to come in on one if the days she is in uni to get the harder jobs done (the one she finds difficult when her toddler is at home) and definately a dishwasher.

Leave him home alone with your child for a day and see how he gets on

Time to buy a dishwasher

I agree. Buy one tonight and it will be delivered within days. Don't be persuaded that you don't need one - you do!

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This is like one of those situations where there's surely 2 sides and not to say that OP is wrong but you might dig deeper into what is going on to come to a conclusion. We don't always say what is exactly wrong. I hate anything out of order when I'm stressed. I like things tidy. Very tidy. And I do tend to tidy before we go out so that things are neat when I come home. But anyway, you should really talk to him about it when nobody is upset and figure out if there's more to this.

Why is it ridiculous? When else would you get time to clean if you are doing school runs and toddler groups? I managed to tidy up, eat lunch and knit for 45 minutes. Easier knowing they are safe whilst I do it because they are asleep.

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Don't marry him OP

Being honest OP doesn't work. He does and takes the pressure off financially so she can study etc. I don't see why she can't tidy up? Not a massive ask. A decent nap still leaves time for a bit of netflix!