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Original poster

Husband coming home late after drinks on daughter's birthday

148 replies

P0mbears · 28/02/2024 21:17

It's our daughter's 5th birthday today. I picked her up from school earlier (left work early to do so) had cake at home with her and played with her new toys. DH was due to be home around 6.30/7 so should have seen her for bath and bed. He's just arrived home after having some drinks at a work lunch and falling asleep on the train... He won't accept that he should apologise for missing bedtime

OP posts:
Original poster
P0mbears · 29/02/2024 06:55

Wow, thank you for all your replies. Really appreciate it.

To clarify a few things....

We did presents all together in the morning and DH and I both went into work a bit late and kids missed school breakfast club/went to nursery a bit late. DD had a lovely morning, nice breakfast together, balloons, decorations etc

The plan was always for me to have a little cake with the kids after school and we're having a family party at the weekend (obviously I'm the one who has bought all the food, making the cake, party games etc) and DH will be there for this and DD is excited.

DH had a lunchtime work meeting which involved wine.This is very usual within his line of work. The commute is quite long so he left at 5ish to be home by bedtime. He messaged to let me know he was on the train due to be home for 7ish. At this point I let DD know that DH would be home to read one of her new stories. I checked where he was at 7.30 and it turned out he'd missed his stop (and a few more) so had to get a taxi home meaning he was home much later.

I understand that these things do happen, I would probably be sleepy after afternoon wine. I was just annoyed that he refused to apologise.

OP posts:
MumMumMumMumMumMumMum · 29/02/2024 07:00

My nearly 5 year old would be heartbroken, she'd be expecting him. Thankfully my husband would never behave in that way

Is he like this normally? Showing complete lack of care or interest?

puzzledout · 29/02/2024 07:03

P0mbears · 29/02/2024 06:55

Wow, thank you for all your replies. Really appreciate it.

To clarify a few things....

We did presents all together in the morning and DH and I both went into work a bit late and kids missed school breakfast club/went to nursery a bit late. DD had a lovely morning, nice breakfast together, balloons, decorations etc

The plan was always for me to have a little cake with the kids after school and we're having a family party at the weekend (obviously I'm the one who has bought all the food, making the cake, party games etc) and DH will be there for this and DD is excited.

DH had a lunchtime work meeting which involved wine.This is very usual within his line of work. The commute is quite long so he left at 5ish to be home by bedtime. He messaged to let me know he was on the train due to be home for 7ish. At this point I let DD know that DH would be home to read one of her new stories. I checked where he was at 7.30 and it turned out he'd missed his stop (and a few more) so had to get a taxi home meaning he was home much later.

I understand that these things do happen, I would probably be sleepy after afternoon wine. I was just annoyed that he refused to apologise.

That's all fair enough, you're right he should've apologised and I hope he had this morning to DD.



Enjoy your party at the weekend

Beefcurtains79 · 29/02/2024 07:05

He didn’t even apologise? What a shit dad.

Mielbee · 29/02/2024 07:08

YANBU to expect him to apologise! Yes these things happen but he should say sorry.

Some people react badly to feelings of guilt and double down on defensiveness to make it not their fault. If they say sorry, it reinforces the guilt. I wonder if that's what's happening here.

Some people also have a different definition of what sorry is for. I use it if I've done something, knowingly or not, whether I had control over it or not, that has negatively impacted other people. DH feels that you shouldn't say sorry if it was an accident or you didn't have control over it. This has been the source of many a disagreement in the past but recently we've realised this has stemmed from how his narcissistic dad behaved and he's thinking abiut it differently. Could there be something like this going on here.

2024Melanie · 29/02/2024 07:12

He didnt have to drink so much. One glass of wine with lunch would have been enough

Aquarelles · 29/02/2024 07:12

I think your update changes things somewhat. So he didn't actually go out for drinks after work? He finished work at the scheduled time but unintentionally fell asleep on the train due to having a boozy work event at lunch time?

HalebiHabibti · 29/02/2024 07:13

I'd be slightly more sympathetic to him, seeing that update. He left work at 5pm as planned, but unfortunately fell asleep on the train home and missed his stop. That's not quite the same as deliberately staying out to drink with work colleagues and stumbling home late. He did also do birthday stuff as planned that morning.

I'd still be annoyed if he didn't apologise for having to get a presumably expensive taxi home though!

MolkosTeenageAngst · 29/02/2024 07:19

He should apologise to his daughter. He doesn’t need to apologise to you on her behalf.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 29/02/2024 07:22

Agree with PP. He should be saying sorry to his daughter and explaining what happened. But not sure why you are owed an apology, unless I'm missing something?

TryingNotCrying24 · 29/02/2024 07:28

The update is not so bad, but I would still ask why he drank so much at lunch that he fell asleep on the train. You don't have to go hard on the drink at a work lunch. In fact you say 'it's my daughter's birthday today and I have to be in good shape when I get home, I'll stick to the water'. What shape would he have been in if he did make it home on time?

WaltzingWaters · 29/02/2024 07:31

Yep, he’s an arse.

NashvilleQueen · 29/02/2024 07:35

Your update puts quite a different complexion on things. I would be irritated that he missed it but he's not the heartless bastard drinking with colleagues on his daughter's birthday as first assumed.

One question tho. Did you take your daughter out of school early on her birthday? Have I read that right? If so is that something people do? It's a new one on me.

puzzledout · 29/02/2024 07:57

NashvilleQueen · 29/02/2024 07:35

Your update puts quite a different complexion on things. I would be irritated that he missed it but he's not the heartless bastard drinking with colleagues on his daughter's birthday as first assumed.

One question tho. Did you take your daughter out of school early on her birthday? Have I read that right? If so is that something people do? It's a new one on me.

I read it as no after school club?

Mookie81 · 29/02/2024 08:01

The update is completely different to the OP, 2 different scenarios for goodness sake! Hmm
Going out after work on the piss is different from nodding off and missing a train stop.

WhiteVelvet · 29/02/2024 08:07

I’m glad you qualified and clarified the reality of it all. It’s a million miles away from the original version of the story you told. But you knew that.

I tapped the YANBU button, which I shouldn’t have done. The entire scenario is accidental and you’ve lost your shit over it. Grow up OP and stop all the am dram.

mrsdineen2 · 29/02/2024 08:16

WhiteVelvet · 29/02/2024 08:07

I’m glad you qualified and clarified the reality of it all. It’s a million miles away from the original version of the story you told. But you knew that.

I tapped the YANBU button, which I shouldn’t have done. The entire scenario is accidental and you’ve lost your shit over it. Grow up OP and stop all the am dram.

"He's just arrived home after having some drinks at a work lunch and falling asleep on the train..."

Her opening post was entirely accurate. If he cared he would have stayed awake, or set an alarm for her stop.

WhiteVelvet · 29/02/2024 08:28

mrsdineen2 · 29/02/2024 08:16

"He's just arrived home after having some drinks at a work lunch and falling asleep on the train..."

Her opening post was entirely accurate. If he cared he would have stayed awake, or set an alarm for her stop.

Show quote history

No. Accidents happen. It’s unfortunate but it wasn’t malicious. OP is being unreasonable in my opinion.

KimberleyClark · 29/02/2024 08:29

Iwantamarshmallowman · 28/02/2024 23:14

i wouldn't buy this story to be honest. are u sure he didn't fall asleep in somone elses bed?

The “lunchtime drinks” doesn’t ring true to me. It simply isn’t something that happens any more in most workplaces. I think he went for drinks after work.

Edit - hadn’t read your update when I typed this. That puts a rather different complexion on things.

mrsdineen2 · 29/02/2024 08:34

WhiteVelvet · 29/02/2024 08:28

No. Accidents happen. It’s unfortunate but it wasn’t malicious. OP is being unreasonable in my opinion.

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And the complete refusal to apologise?

WhiteVelvet · 29/02/2024 08:38

mrsdineen2 · 29/02/2024 08:34

And the complete refusal to apologise?

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I don’t trust that OP hasn’t completely lost her shit at him for accidentally being home late and he’s refusing to apologise on account of it. It’s all so over the top and first world problems.

jeaux90 · 29/02/2024 08:44

Sorry but the drinks at lunchtime is a load of bollocks.

mrsdineen2 · 29/02/2024 08:44

WhiteVelvet · 29/02/2024 08:38

I don’t trust that OP hasn’t completely lost her shit at him for accidentally being home late and he’s refusing to apologise on account of it. It’s all so over the top and first world problems.

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Any losing of her shit, short of actual abuse, would be completely justified. And the apology should have came the second he raced in the door, before she even had a chance to say whatever things you've just made up in your head.

Do you know of many mothers who've oopsied and missed their young child's birthday celebrations?

WhiteVelvet · 29/02/2024 08:48

mrsdineen2 · 29/02/2024 08:44

Any losing of her shit, short of actual abuse, would be completely justified. And the apology should have came the second he raced in the door, before she even had a chance to say whatever things you've just made up in your head.

Do you know of many mothers who've oopsied and missed their young child's birthday celebrations?

Show quote history

He didn’t miss her Birthday celebrations though, did he.

He was there in the morning celebrating her birthday with her and will be there at the weekend celebrating her birthday with her again.

He missed the cake bit.

Pollyputthepeleton · 29/02/2024 08:50

Mumof2teens79 · 28/02/2024 22:04

You had cake without him?

Did you talk about it before and set the expectation that he should be home early/on time today?
Are drinks afterword his normal routine?

Wow! Was the five year old meant to wait till bedtime to have their birthday cake?

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