My therapist called my boyfriend 'pathological liar'. AIBU to consider breaking up over this?

[Benji92]

I met my boyfriend just over a year ago. Initially he lied to me about certain things and got caught. He told me it was because his family were so suspicious of everything he did and used to punish him so badly. He developed this defence mechanism of lying to protect himself. He said he was trying so hard to change this habit.

His lies were never so big or dodgy. He'd lie about things like 'I make XX amount of money' (turns out he makes 2k less annually) or 'I weigh XX stones' (when he clearly weighs more than that). Inconsequential but still annoying.

We're both in our 30s and I'm desperate to start a family and have kids. I always wanted it. But despite loving him so much I'm not sure if I can do this with a man like that.

Although I haven't caught a lie for months, my brain picks up random things and I hate it. For instance he'd disappear saying he's working out, I'd go to his house the next day to find his workout equipment dusty, clearly untouched for days. Or he'd meet me later than usual saying he had to clean his bathroom and when I go to his a couple of days later I'd find it unclean (not disgusting, but clearly not cleaned 2 days ago).

I started therapy last week. This week on our second session my therapist called him a 'pathological liar'. She said that he isn't someone that operates with integrity. It sort of freaked me out as it does sound very alarming.

AIBU to consider ending things over this if everything else is great?

🤔leave

I'd change your therapist instead. Anyone who diagnoses someone who isn't their client is not good news. Maybe find a better one and encourage him to consider therapy as well?

Of course you’re not unreasonable ffs. It’s a huge thing. And will only get worse.

Bear in mind - there’s what lies you’ve caught him in. Then all the others ….

plus think of all the mental energy that goes into truth checking his every move. With a child around it would be 100 times worse

What does your gut truly say…..

YANBU... get out now. This isn't going to get better and you need to be able to trust someone you have a child with. If you're stressed over his lies now prepare to never feel comfortable leaving him alone with your child.

Listen to your gut but not the therapist who can't diagnosis and presumably hasn't met him.

It doesn’t sound like you can trust him, which means that you shouldn’t be in a relationship with him.
If he’s lying about little inconsequential things that are easily disproved then you’ll never know whether he’s lying about bigger things too.
It sounds like he had a tough upbringing but whatever his reasons for lying you shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone whose default is to be untruthful. You especially shouldn’t get married/share finances/have children with someone who you just don’t trust.
Cut your losses now and find someone that can be honest with you.

He seems like a massive risk to hang your future on. But your therapist shouldn't be calling anyone anything - it's completely unethical. Don't leave him because of what the therapist said. You need to come to your own conclusions. Find a better therapist in the first instance, and go from there.

Leave and discuss with your therapist why you ignored so many red flags with him.

Therapist is fine, you discuss other people in therapy and yes, the therapist will make comments about them too.

Saying he is a pathological liar isn't so much making a diagnosis as making a factual comment based on the information given - he lies about shit all the time and you can never trust him.

Do not have children with this man. Your actual therapist is warning you

Well they’re not terrible lies. Just silly ones a teenager would resort to. I wouldn’t want to marry someone so immature though.

I'm married to a liar - it never ends.

If it's part of his makeup then that's who he is. You'll never be able to trust him or believe anything he says.

If what the op is saying is right, then the literal definition of what he’s doing is pathologically lying. No one needs to be with someone who they have to see a therapist with only a year in

I get the impression that you only want validation to have a reason to leave him without feeling bad. Go for it. Liars are impossible to deal with. How can you ever trust someone about there big things when the can't evrn tell you the truth about cleaning the bog? Life's too short for this nonsense.

Possibly the boyfriend. Definitely the therapist. No therapist should be diagnosing someone they haven't met, not should they be telling a clientb what to do.

The therapist shouldn't be making summative judgements about people and they also shouldn't lead the client. They are there to provide the space for the client to discover for themselves.

Break up with the therapist. It’s highly unethical for them to diagnose someone they haven’t met. And of course going only on your word.

How do you envisage a future life with him panning out when he might tell you the truth or he might lie? It might have serious consequences or it might not. You'll only ever find out after the fact. In short, he's a dyed in the wool liar. It means he is inherently unreliable and you will spend much of your life feeling like you're going crazy.

My sil is like this stupid pointless lies most of the time...like she bought the last real tree in the supermarket and won't be getting more in. On Dec 4th.

However some of her lies are dangerous or hurtful or plain vindictive. Mil likes Wetherspoons. Sil told her it's full of drug dealers. Mil in her 90s is now worried about going at 4 in the afternoon. Spoons isn't posh enough for sil. She doesn't want mil going as it might reflect on her!!

He lies for no good reason about the small things, things easy to be caught out on. Either he just lies and there are bigger lies or he wants to be caught as he doesn't feel he deserves a relationship (ie his family have undermined him that much). The fact remains that you are wasting so much time and energy that you will never be happy.

I was also surprised that your therapist said that, especially so quickly.

Bottom line, choosing a partner and father for your children, I think, should be based on shared values. If you value integrity and honesty he’s not the man for you.

He may have got into the habit of lying when he was a child and his parents doled out harsh discipline, but a lot of children go through phases of lying and grow out of it. If he’s continuing the habit as an adult, he’s unlikely to stop permanently because it comes easy to him and it seems he thinks it makes situations easier for him.

I n your shoes, I’d find someone who doesn’t need to do as much work on their character.

I'd leave anyone who was late meeting because they had to clean the bathroom - even if they weren't lying!

Don't let your desire for a child blind you.

He may not be 'pathological' but he IS a liar. And liars rarely make good parents or good partners.

I'd end it.

The therapist is saying that but you already knew he was a liar. They should be focussing on you, not telling you what you already know about your BF.
If you can't handle the idea he uses white lies as a coping mechanism, (most couldn't, it's vey childish) I guess try and say gently, 'I know you didn't do x...why not just tell the truth you went to burger king, not the gym? I don't care either way but it makes you look untrustworthy.' If he can't mend his ways then leave him. Therapist doesn't sound so hot though.

Please for the love of god do not have a child with him. From the child of a pathological liar who has fucked me up mentally for life

Also just to add, so he’s saying ‘I was busy doing X & Y so I couldn’t see you’. But you know that was a lie……what was he actually doing then? I would guess if you found out what, that would end your relationship anyway