My therapist called my boyfriend 'pathological liar'. AIBU to consider breaking up over this?

[Benji92]

I met my boyfriend just over a year ago. Initially he lied to me about certain things and got caught. He told me it was because his family were so suspicious of everything he did and used to punish him so badly. He developed this defence mechanism of lying to protect himself. He said he was trying so hard to change this habit.

His lies were never so big or dodgy. He'd lie about things like 'I make XX amount of money' (turns out he makes 2k less annually) or 'I weigh XX stones' (when he clearly weighs more than that). Inconsequential but still annoying.

We're both in our 30s and I'm desperate to start a family and have kids. I always wanted it. But despite loving him so much I'm not sure if I can do this with a man like that.

Although I haven't caught a lie for months, my brain picks up random things and I hate it. For instance he'd disappear saying he's working out, I'd go to his house the next day to find his workout equipment dusty, clearly untouched for days. Or he'd meet me later than usual saying he had to clean his bathroom and when I go to his a couple of days later I'd find it unclean (not disgusting, but clearly not cleaned 2 days ago).

I started therapy last week. This week on our second session my therapist called him a 'pathological liar'. She said that he isn't someone that operates with integrity. It sort of freaked me out as it does sound very alarming.

AIBU to consider ending things over this if everything else is great?

I think your gut is telling you not to have a baby with this man, sorry OP

Classic question here, "what advice would you give a friend in this position? What stops you from following your own advice?"

Re: the therapist, I would just check that you have accurately heard what the therapist has said.

Because:

"From your description it sounds as though your boyfiend lacks integrity or perhaps feels a compulsion to lie, woud you say that is true?"

Is reflecting the client's words back at them and checking they have understood correctly. This is perfectly ethical and approrpiate.

Whereas:

"your boyfriend lacks integrity and is a pathological liar" is inappropriate, misguided and judgemental.

Was it more like the former or the latter, OP?

I'm afraid your therapist is very unprofessional to diagnose your boyfriend without ever having met him and purely based on what you are presenting to her, especially in the early stages of therapy. Be very careful. What kind of therapist is this?

My DH’s friend is like this. He is a nice guy but always tells these exaggerated stories that are so clearly lies, I don’t know why he does it (I expect deep routed self esteem issues and the need to impress.) But it’s so cringeworthy listening and knowing it’s all bullshit.

He got caught out spectacularly once, when he came to our DC’s birthday and my cousin also came who happened to work with before. My cousin said oh x got stabbed didn’t he? He had a scar on his leg from a childhood injury but had lied and said he’d been stabbed… 🥴

Although his (& sounds like your dp’s) lies are relatively harmless, as you get to know him inside out you could spend your life cringing hearing him tell things to people you know aren’t true. I wouldn’t op…

Leave the bastard. You need a man who will tell you the truth, otherwise you can never trust him.

You aren't his therapist and don't need to be dating a "fixer-upper".

I started therapy after I lost my best friend a year and a half ago. I told my therapist I was still to this day struggling with anxiety and also feeling stuck. I did suspect my relationship was contributing to that and I told her about the lies.

She then said 'your boyfriend lacks integrity and is a pathological liar'. Repeated it as well. To answer PP above asking about the tone x

That's not a diagnosis, it's an observation

Absolutely leave him. You can't trust a single word that comes out of his mouth. You say he only lies about small things, but I guarantee you it won't always be small things.

As a liar myself I'd say its unreasonable for her to tell you what he is or isn't.
I lie about shitloads of unimportant things (imo) but devastatingly truthful for important things. It's a form of laziness tbh. I am not avoiding correct answers because I'm hiding anything but because I'm not interested in justifying or answering questions about it. I find such things draining when in fact the "short answer " gets me out of banal boring conversation.

I don't feel guilty about it ever. It's how I get through life.
Don't assume someone who lies has no integrity or honour. But if you want to feel comfortable maybe try and find more about the why? And his limits and boundaries?
Don't forget everyone lies about somethings, whether it's "ooh your hair looks nice " or "of course it's ok". Only you can decide if the lies he tells are a deal breaker.

I’m begging you to leave. Don’t be me.

I have spent 2.5 years in what I thought was a wonderful relationship- my first one post-divorce. I too caught him in a few inconsequential lies but could brush them off as they didn’t seem to matter.

Then came the control and manipulation that I put up with and swallowed down the feelings of unease because I was too weak by then.

Then I found out he had been on holiday with his ex gf and not another male friend like he said.

Then I found out she’s not an Ex at all. He’s been in a relationship with her for 7 years.

I spent 2.5 years with a covert narcissist who has destroyed me. Don’t do this, please. Be more respectful of yourself than I was.

It’s not just lies it’s the deciept saying he’s somewhere he isn’t, does he has light you too? Cause arguments? You and up apologising.

Also it’s a classic blaming childhood/parents my ex did this and it was the start of a domestic abuse relationship.

He could well be a narcissist/sociopath he’s showing traits.

I feel you I’ve been there.

Lying about your earnings to a partner isn't a small issue to lie about.

"You look lovely, dear" might be forgiveable, but "I earn X" isn't.

I don't even do "you look lovely, dear" because I cannot lie convincingly, but that's probably because I'm autistic.

He told me it was because his family were so suspicious of everything he did and used to punish him so badly. He developed this defence mechanism of lying to protect himself.

He CAN deal with this if he wants to. Has he had therapy himself?

If you use tiktok, look up ReesaTeesa, and work your way through her playlist "who TF did i marrry?"

Its a 55 part (10 min vids) of her story about how she met, married, and divorced a Pathological Liar... the story is WILD, the shit her Ex lied about is mind blowing.

It's worth it, i promise.

I dated someone like this. They would lie constantly. For instance.. would randomly say they saw a car broken down on the way to someone’s house.. and there wasn’t (I was in the car too!). Just lying to have something to say. In the end I turned into a horrible person and would call him out publicly every time he lied (ALMOST every sentence he said!)
No good comes from a person who believes their own lies!

The therapist has not done anything wrong. Your boyfriend has told you he tells lies all the time and told you why. You relayed this to the therapist. This pattern is pathological lying. The therapist reflected this back using the correct term.

As for what you should do - you already dont really trust him. How will that work with a more complicated life together like joint finances, children etc?

I lie about shitloads of unimportant things (imo)

But it is just your opinion. And while some of those lies may be harmless, the fact that you lie to avoid 'banal' conversations shows a great lack of respect for the people around you who may have differing opinions and needs. Respect is an important aspect of integrity.

My mother is a highly regarded therapist.

She will warn people if she believes their partner is a danger in any way (emotionally, physically etc)

She absolutely does NOT need to meet someone to do this.

I have a pathological liar in my life.

The lies started just like yours, very small.
But they grew and also so did an attitude of avoiding anything that caused them discomfort like speeding tickets.

Those things were lied about and stuffed away.

If you were my best friend, I would beg you to leave him.

Liars like this very rarely change and I promise you will regret it and also be setting future children up for terrible dysfunction.

If you can look loved ones in the eye and lie, then you don't have any integrity.

And living and being around a liar is so damaging for other people.

She is clearly not talking about a white lie to make someone feel good about a haircut.

Lying about things like your salary to a potential life partner is a big deal.

You should not feel exhausted by trying to second guess his lies, just a year in. Imagine how ground down you will feel in six months, a year, five years if you bother to stay. Those lies are ones you know of, what about the rest? Is there something darker hiding beneath the apparent little white lies?

I lie about shitloads of unimportant things.

If they are unimportant why lie about them @Doone22 ? Telling the truth is less effort.

Don’t have a child with this person. Babies are so little and vulnerable. You feel protectiveness like nothing else when they are tiny. You have to trust your partner as there will be millions of care giving responsibilities which baby will need completing.you can’t trust your partner to be honest. Eg have you give calpol, what time ? How many oz did baby have, when did they last feed etc

it’s relentless as it is but you won’t be won’t to take a second off 24/7 as you won’t trust him. It will drive you mad.

there is nothing good to come of someone lying for no reason. There is a reason. Normal people don’t lie like that. It doesn’t matter why he is doing it- not your job to fix. Run!

Also your boyfriend is a pathological liar in that he lies for seemingly no reason and gets caught.

i feel like all this chat about the therapist is not really the issue. You didn’t like the message,

you’ve been in a relationship for a short time with someone who lies so much you feel anxious and on guard to catch the next lie. Literally why are you bothering with this when you could have an easier life with a non liar. Your therapist has done you a favour.

You should stick with them to figure out why Someone labelling your lying boyfriend as a liar is such a big shock.