My therapist called my boyfriend 'pathological liar'. AIBU to consider breaking up over this?

[Benji92]

I met my boyfriend just over a year ago. Initially he lied to me about certain things and got caught. He told me it was because his family were so suspicious of everything he did and used to punish him so badly. He developed this defence mechanism of lying to protect himself. He said he was trying so hard to change this habit.

His lies were never so big or dodgy. He'd lie about things like 'I make XX amount of money' (turns out he makes 2k less annually) or 'I weigh XX stones' (when he clearly weighs more than that). Inconsequential but still annoying.

We're both in our 30s and I'm desperate to start a family and have kids. I always wanted it. But despite loving him so much I'm not sure if I can do this with a man like that.

Although I haven't caught a lie for months, my brain picks up random things and I hate it. For instance he'd disappear saying he's working out, I'd go to his house the next day to find his workout equipment dusty, clearly untouched for days. Or he'd meet me later than usual saying he had to clean his bathroom and when I go to his a couple of days later I'd find it unclean (not disgusting, but clearly not cleaned 2 days ago).

I started therapy last week. This week on our second session my therapist called him a 'pathological liar'. She said that he isn't someone that operates with integrity. It sort of freaked me out as it does sound very alarming.

AIBU to consider ending things over this if everything else is great?

I cannot stress this enough: deciding who to have children with is one of the biggest, if not the biggest, decision of your life. Once you have a child with someone, they will be in your life for the next 18 years, at the very least. It will affect everything, and I mean everything in your life. Men are not just sperm donors.

A good one will give you a wonderful life and family and together you can have the happiness you deserve. A bad one will suck the life out of you and make your life miserable.

You need to be able to trust your partner, implicitly. You can never ever trust someone who you know is a liar.

I work with a liar currently. It’s exhausting and I hate it.
Everyday a new big lie. Last week it was ‘I’ve had a UTI for over a year, it got so bad last year they had to remove one of my kidneys and they still haven’t cured the infection.’ It’s just not true (she was travelling through SE Asia at the time, or so she claimed..) and the lies are getting bigger.
Get out. It will drain you.

This man would make an utterly rubbish father.

And worse, what if your offspring is the same - a tricky liar. Genetics plays a big part in who we are.

It is exhausting and stressful to look out for the next lie. Just to clear a few things up:

-I didn't seek therapy because of my relationship. It was grief related and nothing to do with my boyfriend. I was really taken aback when she called him that blatantly.

-There was a big lie as well that I forgot to mention. Still inconsequential. He told me he lived in X city when we met. Turns out he doesn't. We didn't start off anything serious so I understand if he didn't want to disclose everything but my therapist says as soon as he figured he wants more from/with you, he should've come clean. Instead he told me he'd moved to his current city early on whilst we're still talking and acted like he just started living in his house a couple of months in when I was finally comfortable enough to go to his house.

Now after reading comments, I'm confused whether to ditch the boyfriend or the therapist!

There are two issues, as others have said. One is the boyfriend and it sounds like you know already that you don’t want to start a family with him. The other is the therapist who sounds severely lacking in boundaries to be making any comment or passing judgement on anybody else in your session.

I get you have baby fever but you'd be totally nuts to stay with this guy. He would ruin your life. Please think about the fact that you'd be giving your child a father who is a pathological liar. Imagine how fucked up that would be for a child.

He sounds pathetic. How can you have respect for someone who lies so much? He will make a terrible father.

I certainly would not trust him and not have children or a relationship.

My ex lied to me over little stuff and then bigger stuff. It allows them permission.

He absolutely sounds like a pathological liar and so far you are accepting it and believing you need therapy - maybe you do but only because you seemingly want to be in a relationship when every other person would be screaming ‘run’. Lying may also be gaslighting my ex constantly used to say I didn’t say that until I recorded him to prove to myself I wasn’t going mad. Don’t live like this.

Leave them both, neither the boyfriend nor this therapist will do you any good in long term.

If you stay with this guy you will never have peace of mind.

You will always be checking everything, waiting for the next lie, always wondering if he's where he says he is. You will always be on alert!

It will wear you down and damage your mental health.

Do yourself a massive favour and leave him. Living with a liar is pure torture and will chip away at you, don't do that to yourself. If he can lie so effortlessly about pointless small things, he will lie about the big things too. You can never trust a single word that comes out of his mouth and he will never ever change.

Leave him.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩you can't honestly think that you can build a successful life with a man like this??

Liars are manipulators. Whatever the size of the lies.

Now imagine a child in the mix? And he's lying to you about where he is and what he's been doing?!

You cannot seriously think you can create a lasting healthy relationship with a man like him.

Don’t therapists have a duty to highlight situations their clients might be at risk? Also when you’re being gaslit you don’t realise it’s happening and a therapist spelling out very clearly what is happening is surely a necessity.

I would ditch him because of the lies as not being able to trust on big or small matters would be maddening.

I would also maybe have a think about how helpful the therapist has been and how 'pathological liar' was said. I agree with PPs that it wouldn't really be ideal to apply it to a person as a label even through it isn't a diagnosis, more a pattern of behaviour. If they've been helpful with your grief then I think it's overlook-able (or worth talking about rather than dropping them).

He could be keeping you from meeting someone honest

Have you approached him about this?

Use your own judgement, don't go off what your therapist is saying.
What are the therapist's qualifications? They really should not be making judgments on someone they have never met.
It is the case though that if he's continuing to tell a lot of lies you will never really know where you are up to with him and won't be able to have a trusting relationship.
Personally I would be considering changing therapists and also ending the relationship.

Leave them both.

You've got yourself a shit BF and a shit therapist there OP.

Time to start pleasing yourself and fuck them all.

If you can’t trust him, then you’ve not got the fundamental foundation that a functional relationship needs to be built on. I couldn’t live without trust.

He sounds pathetic.

I was in a short relationship with a man like this. Said he was director of his company. Wasn’t. Said he was a Labor voter. Voted Tory. Pointless things to lie about because he thought I wanted to hear xyz.

He was such a liar and I just found it soooooo pathetic.

I wouldn't want a proven liar to be one of the main role models in my children's lives.

I'd thank your therapist! And leave op.

Exactly! Therapist was just stating the truth based on what op has told her!