My therapist called my boyfriend 'pathological liar'. AIBU to consider breaking up over this?

[Benji92]

I met my boyfriend just over a year ago. Initially he lied to me about certain things and got caught. He told me it was because his family were so suspicious of everything he did and used to punish him so badly. He developed this defence mechanism of lying to protect himself. He said he was trying so hard to change this habit.

His lies were never so big or dodgy. He'd lie about things like 'I make XX amount of money' (turns out he makes 2k less annually) or 'I weigh XX stones' (when he clearly weighs more than that). Inconsequential but still annoying.

We're both in our 30s and I'm desperate to start a family and have kids. I always wanted it. But despite loving him so much I'm not sure if I can do this with a man like that.

Although I haven't caught a lie for months, my brain picks up random things and I hate it. For instance he'd disappear saying he's working out, I'd go to his house the next day to find his workout equipment dusty, clearly untouched for days. Or he'd meet me later than usual saying he had to clean his bathroom and when I go to his a couple of days later I'd find it unclean (not disgusting, but clearly not cleaned 2 days ago).

I started therapy last week. This week on our second session my therapist called him a 'pathological liar'. She said that he isn't someone that operates with integrity. It sort of freaked me out as it does sound very alarming.

AIBU to consider ending things over this if everything else is great?

Do both.

you can do both.

He told me it was because his family were so suspicious of everything he did and used to punish him so badly. He developed this defence mechanism of lying to protect himself. He said he was trying so hard to change this habit.

If he means this it can be done. But he has to take the initiative and seek out (and go through with) the process. Don't do it for him.

She doesn’t need to say anything. OP is very aware of her partners behaviour, it wasn’t a big secret that needed to be named.

Find a better therapist, not every man is a pathological liar, I tend to worry about scams and staying safe these days so being careful on social interaction now .

Only read your first paragraph .... leave ... honestly

I find it very weird for the therapist to label someone they haven’t spoken to?! Either way you don’t trust your boyfriend so that’s your reason for you not being able to continue the relationship surely?

@SometimesIchangemyname

Well they’re not terrible lies. Just silly ones a teenager would resort to. I wouldn’t want to marry someone so immature though

Agree, it’s immature and not very attractive behaviour, I’d be concerned that small lies would graduate to big lies over time, I think liars usually think they are very clever compared to the people they are lying to when in fact they are usually not that smart at all

Naming behaviours is a very big part of what makes therapy useful. We tend to live our lives episodically, dealing with things as they come up. It often takes an outsider to help us see consistent patterns, both in ourselves and in others around us. Naming these phenomena helps us to understand what's happening.

If that weren't so, the relationships board would be tumbleweed!

Therapist is going off the information given, and how it was offered would make a difference eg from what you've described it sounds as if he is a pathological lier. Does that fit with your view?
Would lead to discussion around the impact of this behaviour. It does seem very stark but tone and how it was couched might change it.

It's not an either/or.

You could ditch both.

However, how did the therapist word this

'Your boyfriend is a pathological liar' is very different to 'sounds like you think he is a pathological liar' or 'it sounds like you are describing a pathological liar'.

With regards to the boyfriend, I think relationships should enhance and improve your life. Doesn't sound like his behaviour is going to enhance and improve your life.

Trust is a really important basis in a relationship. If you can't trust what he says you'll forever be questioning what he says

People on mumsnet have such a stunted view of the therapist’s role. I am a clinical social worker in the US—that is two years of education and two years of supervised clinical work in the community. I work with people with trauma (child sex abuse, torture) and with psychotic disorders. I wouldn’t hesitate, if I thought it necessary, to name someone’s behavior to a patient. This behavior is abuse. This behavior is concerning. Sometimes our patients need us to listen to their story and tell them the truth.

Yes absolutely, but assisting the client to make his/her own sense of what’s going on, not spoon feeding. If the therapist can name something, good for them, but the shift happens when the client can name it as their own. I agree that a therapist should be relational, but with their client. Not bringing in individuals that cannot speak for themselves in that moment .

Don't be daft. Her therapist has him sussed.

If you're exhausted looking for the lies now then imagine a lifetime of that!
You obviously haven't trusted him from the beginning and that's mentally draining in itself. Without trust there's nothing in a relationship.
He's lucky you've stuck it out for a year most women would've been long gone.
The therapist is a separate issue. I often think they do more damage than good anyway.
He's lied, been found out and you've stayed with him so he knows you'll accept his lies and forgive him. He's no need to change. He will continue with the lies. Forever. Read that last bit back to yourself.

So, based on second hand information in one session the therapist has him 'sussed' in your view.

What if the OP was lying to the therapist?

Run fast. My ex was a pathological liar and it was an absolute nightmare. He would swear blind black was white. Don't condemn yourself to a life of misery

the OPs boyfriend has admitted he is a pathological liar. The therapist isn’t diagnosing him. He fits the criteria, has admitted it, the OP knows he is. If I was the therapist I would be wondering why the OP was considering settling down and having children with someone who they describe as a pathological liar - even if that is not the exact words the OP used.

the OP is alarmed by her therapist using different language around something that she already knows but is in denial/avoidant about - by this I mean, the OP knows but is still considering settling down with him. She’s going against her instincts. That’s a therapists job. To be curious about the clients experience, to clarify their understanding of what the client says and where appropriate to challenge it.

the therapist has literally said back the situation you know your in and your alarmed. Listen to that. Your boyfriend would need significant and extensive therapy to change any of this and I’m betting he isn’t in it. Don’t waste your time.

I knew someone who lied like this. It is so, so wearing. The lies were stupid little ones most of the time, and that was what really got to me, that they could think I was so stupid as to believe them. Things like 'I slept all afternoon' when you've seen them online. I quickly stopped believing anything they said. They'd also twist facts to suit themselves.

Really, I'd get rid of him.

It’s pretty ‘on the nose’ for the therapist to say something like that in session two - that said, her observation landed on fertile ground. I’d feel perpetually disconcerted and wary if someone in my life had such a wobbly relationship with the truth. Perhaps your chap is struggling with trauma and shame, but it seems better that he addresses those issues before committing to the pressures of parenthood. You need someone with whom you feel secure. Maybe he isn’t telling lies about huge things, but the cumulative impact of all the lies about small things will strain the relationship over time.

If you can't trust him to tell the truth, I don't see how you can have a relationship. Honesty would be a top priority for me.

Just leave him. He has no integrity.

Going to go against the grain here.

I used to lie a lot about things. Grew up with parents who had secrets from each other, and always hid things and told us to lie to the other parent often. Then throwing in really strict parents who wouldn’t even let me say hello to a boy (not exaggerating), it was the same for my siblings and me. So I didn’t see the problem with lies as I was used to it and saw them as a necessity.

Then I met DH who values honesty massively. He taught me what a healthy relationship is meant to be like, and I changed massively. I don’t lie at all anymore. In fact, I really struggle to, thanks to DH.

So your bf not necessarily evil spawn just because he had a dysfunctional upbringing. Sometimes a bit of guidance is needed.

I would consider breaking up wityh the therapist, that is for sure!
Totally inprofessional