My therapist called my boyfriend 'pathological liar'. AIBU to consider breaking up over this?

[Benji92]

I met my boyfriend just over a year ago. Initially he lied to me about certain things and got caught. He told me it was because his family were so suspicious of everything he did and used to punish him so badly. He developed this defence mechanism of lying to protect himself. He said he was trying so hard to change this habit.

His lies were never so big or dodgy. He'd lie about things like 'I make XX amount of money' (turns out he makes 2k less annually) or 'I weigh XX stones' (when he clearly weighs more than that). Inconsequential but still annoying.

We're both in our 30s and I'm desperate to start a family and have kids. I always wanted it. But despite loving him so much I'm not sure if I can do this with a man like that.

Although I haven't caught a lie for months, my brain picks up random things and I hate it. For instance he'd disappear saying he's working out, I'd go to his house the next day to find his workout equipment dusty, clearly untouched for days. Or he'd meet me later than usual saying he had to clean his bathroom and when I go to his a couple of days later I'd find it unclean (not disgusting, but clearly not cleaned 2 days ago).

I started therapy last week. This week on our second session my therapist called him a 'pathological liar'. She said that he isn't someone that operates with integrity. It sort of freaked me out as it does sound very alarming.

AIBU to consider ending things over this if everything else is great?

I'm amazed your therapist said that and even more so that you were told this in your second session only.

Your therapist may well be spot on, but in my experience they don't tell you this as it's more effective to figure it out yourself. I think you already know it. Do not start a family with this man. He sure had his reasons to become like this but he's now responsible for fixing this.

Would you want your kids to have a dad who routinely lies to them?

Why did you start therapy?

OP, ditch the boyfriend and the therapist.

You possibly need to ditch both therapist and boyfriend. Really bad on the therapist for drawing such conclusions when your partner isn’t there to speak up for himself. She should be supporting you in coming to your own revelations, not shitting on your boyfriend because she can’t maintain professionalism.

From what you say, partner has had to make a lot of adjustments to survive his childhood, which have now become maladaptive in adulthood. He should get some help for that, especially if he has already acknowledged it’s old behaviour that’s stuck.

From personal experience, I know a Mum who lies a lot, and her DD sadly has picked up this habit too. Not always malicious but just bending the truth. You’ll notice how much harder it’ll be when kids are involved and you have the urge to protect their development. Really think hard about having kids together, you’ll be connected for atleast 18 years.

I think most therapists would get you to explore this for yourself, e.g. by feeding back "You're telling me that your partner is frequently lying to you, how do you feel about that, how does it affect the relationship", they don't actually know more than you about the relationship and they aren't in a position to tell you what to do.
Some badly trained therapists will "diagnose" relatives and friends they haven't met and give advice but it isn't good practice.

this..

I'm not so sure. A therapist of mine said "he sounds like a psychopath". That isn't a diagnosis, it's an informed observation. She was a clinical psychologist, not some woo merchant with an easy certificate.

All that said: OP's boyfriend lies readily, continuously and with no obvious reason. That's the definition of a pathological liar.

Pathological lying is a behaviour, not an illness. His actual diagnosis may be different, if he ever seeks one: some people with personality disorders lie uncontrollably, and other disorders can prompt it as well. It's a maladaptive means of control.

Sorry, @Benji92, you're going to have to ditch this one. Stick with the therapy, though, and I hope you feel better soon.

Your therapist is calling a spade a spade, I don’t think this is unethical. I think you’re naive if you think the lying isn’t going to be problematic for you. You’re already wasting lots of mental energy on it. Imagine having a baby and being stuck at home and DP telling you a load of BS and how much it would wind you up. Cut your losses, you deserve better

It’s very suggestive though, and due to the therapists position, clients will likely take this as an ‘expert’ opinion and could possibly base some really big decisions around that. That’s why it’s wise for therapists to tow a careful line between holding the clients well-being at the centre, whilst also supporting client autonomy. But offering this on the second session? That’s bizarre to me!

Surely you are not confused as to who to ditch?? Surely it is very very VERY obvious that the boyfriend has to go???????? You can ditch the therapist too if you wish but Surely the boyfriend?!
And as a pp said, what was he doing instead of working out/cleaning bathroom??? Did you ask??

I had a male friend like this. He used to lie for convenience. Things like yes, he had booked the campsite (you couldn't book the campsite). No, I hadn't written bread on the shopping list (I had, I showed him. He just hadn't bothered to look at the list. Etc etc. And facts that were easily verifiable online.

I can only imagine how much worse the lies would be in a relationship.

Some people just lie, and you can't make them change.

Mine was like this. Just lied about silly little things I thought. 25 years later it turned out he lied about everything and anything - including huge things - and ticks all the boxes for a covert narcissist. He too was damaged in childhood, made to lie to other people about things, very controlling mother, not allowed to be himself.

My advice would be don't risk it OP, run away as fast as you can.

You've only been with him a year.

Don't you think it is worth looking for a long term partner and potential father of your children who ISN'T a chronic liar? You k ow, someone you can trust to have had the MOT done or changed the baby's nappy when he says he has?

Totally this. Your life's not that intertwined yet, and he's already lying all the time.

@Ladyluckinred, once again, pathological lying is not a diagnosis. It's a behaviour. It's often a symptom of a diagnosable condition but the therapist hasn't attempted any such thing.

Would you feel better if she'd said "compulsive liar"?

Anyway, I think she sounds like a great therapist, because she's put her finger on a massive cause of stress in OP's life, that OP wasn't even consulting her about.

Yes, agreed!

You’re in therapy about a bloke you’ve been with a year, who you can’t trust, who lies to you?

have some pride in who you are ans don’t settle for this!

I have been here. In my mid-20s, I met someone I really fell for. He told silly lies about inconsequential things- would tell me he'd watched the same thing as me on tv when he clearly hadn't, that he had a particular qualification- he had a qualification but not the one he said he had, that he earned a salary of xxx, - turned out to be a couple of thousand less than he said. I just excused it at first because it was so silly and I could see he lacked some confidence. However, it just never stopped. 'I'll meet you at 7 at xx pub' and he didn't turn up until 8 but had an excuse that turned out not to be true. He always had plans and schemes that were going to make him money so he could retire at 40. They were all pie in the sky.
I realised I struggled to trust him emotionally because I couldn't believe him about anything. We got in really well, had a good time, liked the same things, had a good physical relationship, were never bored, he was really supportive but I just didn't trust him. Lying, of any kind eats away at trust- it means you can't rely on someone to be honest with you, you can't be sure of them. Neither of you can actually live in reality because you don't know what it is anymore.
His friends even warned me- one , who is still a good friend to me all these years later, told me 'He's a liar, he can't stop, it's ingrained in him. Get out now. You deserve much better and he'll never be any different.' He gave me examples of other lies he had told him and I still didn't listen.
The lies covered up all kinds of inadequacies he saw in himself but also covered up feelings he had about an ex, that he wasn't honest about and that were totally unrealistic. I realised that I faced a lifetime of never really having emotional stability and surety and I couldn't live with it. It took me far too long but I did finish the relationship- but was very damaged by his behaviours. It took me a long time to re-gain the ability to trust someone. Then DH came along at the right time.

Get rid of him and never have anything to do with him again.

In any relationship you need to be able to trust the other person for it to work.
Nobody can trust a liar.

It really is that simple.

@Benji92 so he’s made excuses (who knows if they real) as to why he lies - but what’s he doing about it? What action is he taking off his own back to resolve this issues that will impact personal and work relationships? Is he getting therapy? Is he talking openly about it or trying to shut things down?

I mean if you are at the point when sub consciously you just expect everything he says to be bullshit then it’s not really boding well for the future is it?

If you stay and he doesn’t change - you will slowly begin to loathe him. It will eat away at you and you will resent him massively.

Can you imagine living with him and having children and another 30 years of his lies big and small. Of how frustrating your future children will find it as they grow up and realise, how much it will alienate friends and family as they cba with his bullshit?

But this guy IS a serial liar. He can’t seemingly help himself

I’d be inclined to ditch both the therapist and the boyfriend

I'd find it difficult to trust someone who seemed to compulsively lie for no reason. I have a relative by marriage who does this, tells silly lies that no-one believes. It has to be terribly embarrassing to his wife to hear him tell outrageous lies and know that everyone listening doesn't take him seriously. From what I understand, he has a strained relationship with at least one of their children. I wouldn't want my children to grow up constantly wondering if their father is telling them the truth, or worse, to follow in his footsteps.

This.

you would not be unreasonable to leave him because of this. But your therapist’s comments still sound rather unprofessional.

A professional therapist would choose their words more carefully. But you do need to ditch the lying boyfriend.