To want my husband to say something about MIL's comments

[danialan]

DH is the youngest child of a very wealthy family, he has an older brother who isn’t as close to their mum as DH is, I suspect I know the reasons (see post below) but have no confirmation.

MIL will constantly make comments to us suggesting that if any decision is made that she disagrees with, it’s a stupid decision and only made by us because we’re young (I’m late 20s, DH mid-30s), inexperienced and probably not as smart as her (no one is!).
Example 1 - we went to Young V&A with our DDs and when MIL called early afternoon as we were on our way back in the car, we told her what we had been up to. MIL’s response was “you kept them indoors for half the day?!”, DH responds that actually the girls loved it, it was super interactive, we’ll send some pics when we get home. She goes “right, um, are you at least planning to take them to the park later today? They need fresh air! How sad for them to be in a stuffy museum”
Example 2 - we were planning to name after my grandma who died during my pregnancy, her name was Arina, and yes I’m from abroad. MIL wouldn’t stop with comments like “at least give it as a middle name… with Wembley as a first name hahaha” (for those from outside UK, Wembley Arena is a massive stadium). And “well she won’t thank you when she’s being bullied” or “and Pitch if he’s a boy, yeah?”
Example 3 - one of my daughters was climbing down from the sofa, she’s done this before successfully many times and I don’t think it’s great parenting to run up to your child any time they’re learning / practicing something and “helping” - they’ll never get the chance to learn or develop muscles! The whole time MIL kept saying “I don’t want to see this” “she’ll fall - do you not care?”
There’s more examples to give if needed but don’t want to make the initial post super long, I know it already will be!

DH doesn’t pressure me to do everything she comments on (although our daughter isn’t called Arina) but I can see that the comments make him upset or uncomfortable, I don’t know which. And in front of her he feels like he has to just do as she says, never stands up to her. For example in the sofa example he will lift her down instead of saying “it’s okay mum, she’s safe, she’s learning, it’s a low sofa and it’s stood on a carpet”, whereas at home he’d let her do it. Suddenly after the museum example he volunteered to take them both to the playground.

On the face of it, MIL loves her son (DH) and just wants what’s best for him, loves our 2 DDs and she wants what’s best for them too. She wants to see them lots and she just also has so much life experience that she can’t wait to share with us, all because, in case it’s not been mentioned, she wants what’s best for us. That’s DH’s interpretation and MIL’s reasoning if questioned about the comments or her overinvolvement.

To avoid a drip feed: she does financially help in the sense that she gifted DH a house in which we currently live and often gives nice “gifts” like a car, baby equipment, nice baby clothes etc and invites us on luxurious holidays (which I actually hate because it’s 24/7 comments on every decision we make and how it’s wrong). However the financial support allows me not to work and be a SAHM which I’m of course grateful for and perhaps should keep my mouth shut?

Am I the only one who thought "Wembley" was quite funny ....

She sounds a bit annoying OP but id put up with it for those perks!

Yes. Your DH in particular has done nothing to demonstrate that he's worthy of his parents' respect. They continue to provide for him in the same way that they would do a minor.

I'm not sure that you're ever coming back @danialan , but if you do, can you tell us what he did for a living? And what he actually pays for with money that hasn't originated with his parents?

We have gifted money, holidays, car etc to our DDs and don't make comments like your MILs but tbh I would not be too bothered by the comments you give as examples. Can you not just ignore them given she has been so generous. You don't have to take any notice of her suggestions.

I am not sure I would have given up my job if your home is in your DHs name and you don't have money in your own right.

Seriously, just start standing up for yourself and tell her to butt out.

In my family gifts are not conditional they don't come with the right to say whatever you like and interfere in other people's lives. I am not wealthy but I will help my DS and DDIL whenever I can no questions asked if they need me, because I love them.

I never comment on their choices or decisions, purchases or whatever, except to say ' how lovely' or ' that's brilliant, you will really enjoy that' etc.
they are grown ups, they make their own decisions nothing at all to do with me.

You don't try to buy the right to control people's live or comment on their parenting.

OP I would challenge your MIL whenever she says anything you don;t have to be rude or confrontational. Just say something like ' oh we decided they'd enjoy the museum today and they had a great time, we'll do the park another day' or 'we think it's a lovely name, so we're sticking with it, I'm sure you'll get used to it' or ' she's quite safe I've got my eye on her, I wouldn't let her do anything dangerous'. Just pleasantly but firmly shut her down, until she gets the message.

It's all very well for posters to say your MIL should treat you with respect, but I expect she won't change. Why should she? In fact, neither of them will change. This dynamic suits them both perfectly, and standing up to the MIL won't help because the DH won't back you. This is the way they've always functioned. You either stop griping and meekly put up with her comments and your husband's spineless behaviour or you get a job, move into your own house and live like a proper grown-up.

My mother in law is similar. When she was here once I cooked a frozen pizza for my son and his friends. I have never heard the end of it. She constantly comments on how she home made pizza, she never would have served frozen, it’s not that hard you know (I’m a decent cook and make most things from scratch). literally every time I see her.
She has also helped us financially. The difference is we are both on the house and my DH will speak up if it’s important.
I think you have a DH problem. Whose idea was the prenup? Do you not get anything if you split? Even though you have raised his children?

Why don't you speak up and tell your MIL that you don't appreciate her constant criticism? Why doesn't your DH? Unless she's told she will continue! You don't have to go on holiday with them if you don't want to and you don't have to bite your tongue every time she makes a comment you disagree with!

So why would that stop you working? I am not surprised she treats you so dismissively since you sound so passive and wimpy.

You need to take a big dose of self respect. Stand in front of the mirror and do some affirmations, get a job, refuse to go on the holidays, return the unnecessary clothes and choose your own clothes for your kids, tell her pre nups aren’t enforceable in British law but that couples legally share assets.

Unfortunately as long as you and your husband benefit from her financially you have no choice but to let her be as rude as she likes. You have made it very clear that your husband will not stop accepting the help so you have to just suck it up and take the insults. Make peace with it and accept her behavior

If those comments are the worst examples you can think of, then you are being unreasonable. I think you need to focus your energy on something else and notify her so much attention.

You need to stand on your two feet and so does your husband if you want to stop her thinking that she 'owns' you both...

She is financing your lifestyle so she feels she can tell you all what to do.

I suspect you know that when it comes to it (which it will) your husband will choose his mummy over you. Mummy's boy 🤮

I'm confused why people think that giving gifts and financial support allows someone to be rude and controlling??? For me the 2 are not correlated in the slightest. You're well within you're rights to stand up to her and say her, if she withdraws financial help then deal with that at the time. But it doesn't mean you should put up with shittyness

Yeah- she literally won't you OP. Want it to change? You'll need to assert financial independence

financial gifts shouldn’t allow rude behaviour, but it’s hard to stand up for yourself as an adult when you live like a child. You have no agency. To stand up for yourself you need to have the ability to walk away, or else it will just be endless bickering, after which you will need to go crawling back to MIL for money

With the shit I have to put up with I wouldn’t care, she’s probably gifting for IHT purposes.

I'm going to be brutal here but did you know about how financially generous your potential in laws were when you married your husband?

If you did, then maybe your eyes fluttered at it.

I suspect that you've gone along with your in-laws' generosity but you now don't like the strings that are , and probably always were, attached.

Honestly, put up or shut up.
Alternative is to leave. It seems to me that your husband is happy to accept the strings/generosity.

I'm happy to swap. You can have my mortgage and I'll have the free house and mean MIL

The error here is accepting anything with strings attached.
Your husband needs to make it clear to his mother that while you both appreciate her generosity, you don’t appreciate her domineering and meddlesome ways - albeit in a more diplomatic tone.
And you need to make that clear to your husband, and that you have reached your saturation point.

Can I ask OP but do you stand up to her or hope that your DH does?
For context, the park and fresh air complaint. Did you say, they've enjoyed their day or was that DH? When DH suggested taking them to the park to agree with MIl, could you not have said no and done something else that was 'already planned?'as far as she was aware?

You have a DH problem, not a mil problem. DH keeps showing you mummy will always come first & her wants & needs will always trump yours.

Fgs this woman has had her go. I would be pitying her were it not for the indulgence your husband gives her. Tell him to get better at ignoring her. She sounds like the sort who will chunter on just to show there's still merit in her breathing

Get a job and stand up to your husband and his mother. Or live like that for the rest of your life…it’s that simple.

Thank you for all the responses, wow didn't expect so many! I'll address the most common questions

Yes he works. Earns just under 100K. When I quit my job I was in a similar field to him, earnt 70K. Long working hours, which he still has.

Arina - my husband did initially love the name. In fact he suggested it as I was so upset about my grandma dying and we hadn't really decided on a name at that point. He loved it up until MIL commented a few times and then he started giving me other suggestions. I said I still prefer Arina, he said he's fallen in love with [another name, not DD's name now]. We went back and forth but ultimately chose another one we both agreed on.

Have I responded to any of her comments? Yes, I generally do, but politely. So on the sofa one we were standing close to the sofa, but not holding up DD with our hands and I just repeated 'this is fine' 'she's done this before' 'she's ok'. Then it became redundant because DH already lifted her off. Or on holiday when asked about why I only got to the beach by 9am I said that's the routine that works best for the girls, I don't see the need to wake them up, it's plenty of sun for them. And on the clothing point I said I'll keep them in the sun protective swimwear as that's better than naked. The name is the only time I got slightly rude because I was VERY annoyed at MIL and upset about my gran - I said "it's a beautiful name actually, would be much nicer to have a unique and beautifully sounding name than something that half the class will also be called" (both her sons have very common names) and when she suggested "Jasmine" I said I'd never name my child after a flower, she'd have to use it as a grown up, not just a little girl (MIL's name is a flower)