Won't marry or commit financially

[Charlotte778]

My partner and I have been together almost 10 years. We have a child together and I have an older child from a previous relationship.
I moved into his home after a year of dating.
Hes a good man and a good father, but doesn't accept my older child as his own.
The main issue is him denying marrying me.
When I get down to the nitty gritty, it's purely financial. He doesn't want to share or lose the home he has bought and paid off. He makes silly excuses like he doesn't want a party with a load of my family he barely knows etc. He shouts that women get everything in a divorce!!!
I've offered to sign a contract, a pre nup or whatever, but he gets angry and defensive about it. I want to marry for love and our future...
So nowI have no husband and zero financial security and he holds all the cards. This attitude has caused me so much unhappiness and it's changed how I feel about him.
I don't want his house, I want the father of my child to want me to feel loved and secure.
I work hard and earn a decent income. I buy everything for the kids and contribute to household maintenence.
Have I wasted 10 years auditioning for a role he was never going to give me?
Should I move on with my life as marriage is something I've always wanted and now I'm in my late forties....
I feel he's busy feathering his own nest and lost sight of what is actually important....
AIBU? Should I just be grateful for my family?

So he causes hurt to your older child but you chose to stay with him and want to marry him? That is completely unacceptable. Why are you not putting your child before a man? Do you realise the long term damage your decision is causing?

@OlympicProcrastinator OP dodged that bullet and there is no long term damage to her child.

In fact, according to OPs update, her first child is now an adult and her partner's Biggest Cheerleader. 😐

You need to make a plan to leave. He could choose to end the relationship at any time and you would have nothing. If he won't make any commitment to you then you should go. Sorry.

Your DP is putting yourself and your child in a very vulnerable position.

Please read this thread to see what you're risking here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5017011-affair-and-left-penniless

I would tell your DP it's non negotiable. Either he makes sure you are financially secure by marrying you, or you leave. And mean it, and follow through if he doesn't.

I'm sorry he's being such a dick.

i agree he doesn’t love you or he would want security for you. Also what are you thinking of being with a man who doesn’t accept your older child?? Yes you’ve wasted your time- this is an example of how disadvantaged you are if you do not get married before having children.

He sounds like a shit. YANBU to leave him and sort out your own security- he doesn’t want to give you any.

Most of my family are in relationships in their 40s and 50s but never married. My sister has been engaged for 25 years. Marriage means very little these days and doesn't make a relationship any more real. Im only married because of cultural reasons on my husbands side.

My sister has been left high and dry with four children and not a penny to her name. You are in an extremely vulnerable position op. He could throw you out tomorrow, and you wouldn’t have a leg to stand on. We were given that advice just this week.

Save up every penny. Stop paying for anything and focus the next few months on building a deposit fast. Start looking for somewhere to live. At least you have a job. And hopefully some kind of pension. Now is the time to get serious. He doesn’t love you op, he wants his cake and to eat it as well. You currently stand to lose everything you have worked for, and be left with the financial and emotional responsibility for your joint child. I suggest strongly you do not continue with this arrangement any longer than you have to.

You have space to save up, to prepare and to protect yourself and your child. My sisters life is in ruins. But yours needn’t be if you move now to protect your own assets and future. He really doesn’t have your back op.

Not sure why people keep referencing f the sister thread. The woman in that situation main issue is that she doesn't have an income.

This is a different situation. Op has been living in a house for 10 years she knew she has no claim over.

The property they jointly own isn't where they live. And Ops has an income. The dp can't refuse to pay the bills on the house she lives in. And op is financially comfortable enough move out if they split.

This really isn't the same as the other case.

No, the drip feed corrects this misunderstanding - he was 10 when she met DP, but is now an adult, employed etc, and apparently DP’s biggest cheerleader. Ie nothing like the original post set out.

Most of my family are married and now both my children are married, all seem to be happy enough together. So you cannot generalise with your ‘marriage means very little these days’, if anything I think it means more to those who get married as they don’t need to !

There does seem to be a very big difference financially though in terms of asset split if a separation happens and inheritance. Non married couples don’t seem to have the same rights and have to take extra steps to get joint names on mortgages, deeds, be named in wills etc whereas at least if you are married you don’t have to get your head around that.

I’ve read the whole thread, and like a PP felt compelled to reply, because this is a typical example of a frustrating thread on MN, where the OP doesn’t like the advice given by the majority of posters, so changes her tune.

OP, you originally said your DP massively favours your youngest child, causing hurt to your eldest child (which would have been a LTB for me, and seemingly plenty of other posters). You then updated about their relationship actually being pretty great, not to mention drip-feeding about the joint BTL.

I still don’t understand why you so desperately want to marry this man, he sounds horrible.

But if his ownership of the asset predates the marriage, it wouldn’t be counted as a joint asset if it came to divorce?

But anyway, he’s an arsehole. Cut your losses and claim child support. Find someone who does love, trust and appreciate you.

Yes, this is more like this thread, Getting married but already living in my house. The difference there is they don't seem to have any children together. The overwhelming response there is that the OP should protect her assets and not get married (and the fiance sounds a bit shady).

The OP's fiance here wants to protect his assets and does not want to be financially committed to supporting the OP if they split (that doesn't necessariy mean he wouldn't financially support the child they share). And to be honest I think that's fair enough. I'm a romantic but also I've paid a hell of a lot of money into my flat, at this age and in this financial position I'd be very wary of getting married to someone who couldn't bring a similar level of assets to the relationship. Because no matter how much of a silly romantic I am, and no matter how much I think he is a great guy, we could still split and he'd be entitled to half of what I'd built up, leaving me in the financial shit.

If we'd built a life and assets together from a similar starting point I'd feel differently.

I don't think this is true if it's the matrimonial home.

YABU. In the 4 years since your wedding was postponed due to Covid he has realised he now has more financially to lose than when he originally proposed (probably others have advised him not to get married because he could lose half and/or the equity in his own house has increased significantly as he’s paid off the mortgage, he has more to lose). The fact he keeps mentioning divorce makes it sound like he’s not as committed to the long term relationship or happy as you.

There is no reason for him to get married now and only downsides. Maybe he was very “loved up” when he proposed and the honeymoon period for him is over and there isn’t a lot you can do about that.

Either you accept he is likely to never marry you or if marriage is that important you go elsewhere. If you were looking for advice on how to get him to marry you then no one can help as he’s realised it’s a bad deal for him (as it is for any asset rich person) especially as he already has a child with you, there is no reason for him to get married.

But op could have been investing in her own place for a decade! Have you any idea how much it’s already cost her servicing her partners investment. The lost opportunity alone of not being on the housing ladder.

Op is in a marginally better position with a job and only one child but has already lost so much staying with this man. Had she chosen a committed man she would have a secure home that was hers, her child would be safe guarded in the event of death and his inheritance fixed, she would have ten years of house prices climbing and a share in their pensions and savings.

Her shit of a dp has been feathering his nest nicely with op doing the heavy lifting producing children for him risk free, no doubt the housework and cooking, sex and all the extras of wife work and he sits handsomely mortgage free!!
It is incredible to me that anyone can’t see this! It’s unfair, it’s unjust and she has already massively lost out. Op should be planning how to recoup everything she has sacrificed and some.

Yes. And more fool the OP. People should consider their financial future before spending a decade chucking their money down the drain with no security. It's a hard lesson to learn. Never be financially dependent on someone without protecting yourself first.

If the OP's partner posted on here my advice would be not to marry her.

These posts are always challenging because the woman says it's about romance but the man will say why do you need marriage to be romantic?

Tbh I don't buy it: the reason people get married is mostly about children and they do it before. It's about the security of the children and a long term plan. That is what marriage is for. The idea of a romantic gesture is not the core idea. It's a nice thing on the top of the arrangement.

This is why people don't get married, it is mostly to do with money or keeping their options open. Marriage is saying "long term, children".

You sure about that?

It depends on how long it acts as the matrimonial
home, whether children would be disadvantaged if split didn’t include it and the extent to which repairs etc are paid for from joint funds.

Slow clap for the bastard screwing over op, he is sitting pretty getting everything for nothing. As op pays the price day in and day out.

When will women wise up to being shafted for decades/life times?

My older childs father died before birth. I acknowledge it's hard to accept a 10 year old step child, but they are no trouble!
Hes not mean or anything, just massively favours his own child over most things.... It causes hurt to my older child.
I've been in self preservation mode a while so I do have some savings of my own x

You still want to marry a man who is causing emotional distress to your child? Why? You've put yourself first here, you should never have had children with a man who treats your child like this, you're causing untold damage to your eldest.

So long as they believe it's all about "romance"

It's often when things go wrong that you find out just what a big deal marriage is.

For example someone walks out or dies.