Won't marry or commit financially

[Charlotte778]

My partner and I have been together almost 10 years. We have a child together and I have an older child from a previous relationship.
I moved into his home after a year of dating.
Hes a good man and a good father, but doesn't accept my older child as his own.
The main issue is him denying marrying me.
When I get down to the nitty gritty, it's purely financial. He doesn't want to share or lose the home he has bought and paid off. He makes silly excuses like he doesn't want a party with a load of my family he barely knows etc. He shouts that women get everything in a divorce!!!
I've offered to sign a contract, a pre nup or whatever, but he gets angry and defensive about it. I want to marry for love and our future...
So nowI have no husband and zero financial security and he holds all the cards. This attitude has caused me so much unhappiness and it's changed how I feel about him.
I don't want his house, I want the father of my child to want me to feel loved and secure.
I work hard and earn a decent income. I buy everything for the kids and contribute to household maintenence.
Have I wasted 10 years auditioning for a role he was never going to give me?
Should I move on with my life as marriage is something I've always wanted and now I'm in my late forties....
I feel he's busy feathering his own nest and lost sight of what is actually important....
AIBU? Should I just be grateful for my family?

Time to cut your losses and move on, but I appreciate that may be an upheaval, emotionally and financially. He won't give you what you want, he never will, and quite frankly I would be doing the same as him with regard to protecting my investment.

He's not going to marry you, OP, I don't know how much clearer he can make it for you. You aren't the one. He will probably find someone he does want to marry and then you'll be gone.

For your youngest child's sake then, make provision for that now and sort your finances/housing plan out now.

Wow
I really am in shock at some of the animals women's replies on here, calling the OP a terrible mother just because of a few replies on a forum.

Absoulutely disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourselves. We're supposed to build each other up not tearing each other down. The funny thing is, I bet half of your own lives aren't in order and you definitely wouldn't say that to the OP face!!

I wonder if you tell your children it's wrong to bully, while being a cyber one yourselves.

I think the question you have to ask is would he do this if he was with his absolute ideal 10/10 woman?

If the answer is no, then you aren’t mrs right you’re mrs good enough for the time being. Someone comfortable and easy until the 10/10 comes along.

sorry I know that’s mean to say.

I own my choices

Well jolly good for you

Whilst I appreciate people taking the time to advise on my situation, I'm now left feeling like it was a terrible mistake to ask for help....
Alot of catastrophising, blame and slandering me an unfit, abusive mother!!! Just remember girls, your mean comments are like holding a mirror up to yourselves.
Luckily I'm a strong resilient woman, exactly how I raise my children... but I can see how peoples mental health can be seriously affected by online comments.
Be kind and if you can't help somebody, just please don't hurt them x

I hope your okay OP. Just remember its a bunch of strangers on the internet. They don't know you. And lets be honest, their opinions don't actually matter.

We're not 'girls'.

I genuinely feel sorry for your children because of how your 'partner' treats them. From what you first posted, you were extremely passive and your priority was getting a ring on your finger.

I don't know why you posted the thread but I hope you got what you needed from it.

@Charlotte778 disgusting post

Maybe start acting like a grown up then? And stop posting horrible comments too someone over the internet?

Just a thought

You need to hear this OP: a guy who loves you would not behave like this. Time to take a long hard look at your relationship and decide if this really is all you feel you are worth 🥺

You’re changing the goal posts, you knew he didn’t want to marry but had a child with him. It’s reasonable for him to protect his assets, and you’ve bought a house together to supplement your pension.

im not sure why everyone is telling you to leave him, he hasn’t done anything wrong

You must have missed the part where I said we had booked a wedding and covid cancelled it. He proposed 6 years ago.... Marriage was always the plan!

I think people assumed your son was 8 or something and got completely carried away. Sorry it went like that op. Some of us (perhaps with older kids) saw it differently. Sounds like you have a good handle on it all.

I'm sorry, but this in itself should be reason to LTB. I feel for you older child, can you imagine what that is doing to their self esteem? Their step father massively favours their sibling and they feel hurt by this. Please wake up.

This changes my opinion completely. Your FIANCÉ?! As in he asked you to marry him?! It not like you’re with someone who was never keen on marriage that you’re asking to change their opinion. This bloke ACTUALLY ASKED YOU TO MARRY HIM. I get people can chance their opinion but the complete lack of communication from him is ridiculous. You need to drive that point home to him, he actually made a promise to marry you and now he’s negated on that. Why did he even ask you if he didn’t want to?

Also the fact you own a BTL together I think changes the house problem. You do own a house together. I understand him not wanting to have to share financially the house that he worked hard for so isn’t sharing a BTL a compromise? However you need to be putting what you put into his house into a BTL of your own. No helping him pay for any improvements etc if it his asset until you have enough to buy your own home.

And why on earth do you pay for everything for the children?! Why is he not paying his share of his own child…..more money you can put towards a property of your own.

You aren’t being unreasonable OP. I live in Australia and after two years of living together (or sooner if they have a child) all the assets held by both partners go into the asset pool in the case of a financial separation. This is regardless of whether or not it’s in one person’s name only or if it’s a business run by one partner. They have the same financial settlement as married couples.

After reading some of the shocking threads on here I think marriage is essential in the UK if you have a child or income / equity of your own that you would like to jointly share with your partner in a protected way.

I am really surprised so many people live together long term considering the lack of financial protection. I am assuming that people are just unaware or perhaps they believe a split will never happen to them?

You won’t like this but the reason why he won’t marry you is because he doesn’t love you the same way you love him , he is Poe ably for the little you say also a narcissist who is not able to love anything that doesn’t seem to be controlled or a possession to him , which is why your son is never accepted .
Im about to get married on my 40s , life is not over once your 30s are over . You deserve so much better

I would get my own place and leave in your situation.

I haven't read the full thread OP, but I simply could NOT stay with a man who favours one child over another, regardless of whether only one of them is his. He isn't a good man and he's certainly NOT a good father! He's CRUEL, and SELFISH! Dump him and make a home for the 3 of you, and I hope he's lonely as hell in the home that he wants so badly to keep for himself. HATE men like this!

@Charlotte778 you didn't say he proposed and changed his mind.

Also you didn't say about the jointly owned property.

I thought posters were being silly about some of what you said wrt to the children btw but your posts are unclear. Is he literally not paying anything towards his child?

But for finance - I'm not clear what the position is now. You might want to sell the jointly owned BTL for a deposit for a home of your own? You initially said you had no financial security. All very confusing.

I am very sorry to say that you should move out and on with your life. He doesn't see you as a partner, just a threat to his finances. Plus, he doesn't sound very nice. Move out, divorce and then go for child support. That will give him something to yell about.

Your drip feed, as ridiculous as it is, has changed my mind. Before I was judging you on how you allowed your first child to be treated. Now, I'm judging your naivety too.

I've seen it literally dozens of times where a couple are in a failing relationship and they attempt to 'solve' it with a child or a wedding.

That's where I think you are - he's cooled on having you as a wife. There was a wedding planned, he got his get out of jail free card and has no intention of returning there - ranting about how women get everything in a divorce??

On some level you recognise that and believe you can 'fix' it by getting that ring on your finger. You won't, but I suspect it won't stop you trying.

I'm somewhat new to Mumsnet but I think this is what you call a drip feed. A massive, somewhat deceiving drip feed. Your "poor" unloved child is an adult now? Where the hell was that in your narrative? So all you want is to get married and not any of the other shit you were bemoaning about? Time to leave the feed, OP. You all but mislead us all.