Won't marry or commit financially

[Charlotte778]

My partner and I have been together almost 10 years. We have a child together and I have an older child from a previous relationship.
I moved into his home after a year of dating.
Hes a good man and a good father, but doesn't accept my older child as his own.
The main issue is him denying marrying me.
When I get down to the nitty gritty, it's purely financial. He doesn't want to share or lose the home he has bought and paid off. He makes silly excuses like he doesn't want a party with a load of my family he barely knows etc. He shouts that women get everything in a divorce!!!
I've offered to sign a contract, a pre nup or whatever, but he gets angry and defensive about it. I want to marry for love and our future...
So nowI have no husband and zero financial security and he holds all the cards. This attitude has caused me so much unhappiness and it's changed how I feel about him.
I don't want his house, I want the father of my child to want me to feel loved and secure.
I work hard and earn a decent income. I buy everything for the kids and contribute to household maintenence.
Have I wasted 10 years auditioning for a role he was never going to give me?
Should I move on with my life as marriage is something I've always wanted and now I'm in my late forties....
I feel he's busy feathering his own nest and lost sight of what is actually important....
AIBU? Should I just be grateful for my family?

Read the whole thread. The poor son who isn't loved by the man is now an adult. The OP left out just a few important details in her original posting.

I can't see a happy future here for you and this man. He is more concerned about protecting his finances than the security and happiness of you or your eldest son.

Protect yourself financially and find a secure home for you and your children. Leave it too late and you will regret it. After 10 years he won't marry you.

It's time to follow his example and get selfish. With absolutely everything you need to ask "what's in it for me (and my sons)?"

Do NOT ask what would be good for your 'partner' - because he's doing that for himself.

Prioritise yourself financially and emotionally. Channel all your finances into getting REALLY good savings.

No need to buy a house now, what you buy to live in and for investment are very different things and you're not in a position to know what you want just yet.

I’m sorry you’ve had an hard time here op but your bereaved child who hasn’t been treated the same as your partner’s dc is a pretty bleak story, even if the child is now an adult. It still sounds like something out of dickens.

Unfortunately, I know a few women who had long term relationships where marriage was kind of planned but never got around to. Eventually they were left with their dc and little/no financial recompense. The ex in two cases married another woman within a year or so. In both cases this was a man who ‘didn’t like huge parties’ ‘didn’t see what the big deal was’ ‘it’s just a peice of paper’
its not. It’s a legal contract to show that I love and trust you enough to share everything with you. The majority of people want that for their fiancée. It’s why they suggested getting married in the first place.

If a wedding was planned (then cancelled due to Covid) why has it not gone back on the agenda in these last few years? Why not have a simple registry office wedding with only witnesses? Very low cost. Very low fuss. You’re protected for the future.

You put your desire to have another child above the financial security of that child (and the emotional security of your first). This is the outcome of that. Your partner got a child without having to take the risk of marrying you. He got everything he wanted without the possibility of losing his home and half his pension. He would be crazy to marry you now.

Your only "bargaining tool" now is the threat of leaving. But that might not be enough to change his mind. It would be in your best interest to work on making sure you are financially secure in your own right before you try that.

Men are always so negative about marriage. I'm like you I want to marry for love not money. Don't know what to sat though op you been with him 10yrs

If he had no financial stability he would be called a cocklodger

Well well!

I haven't commented on this thread before, but have to do so now as I'm flabbergasted.

For reasons unknown, you missed out quite a lot of crucial information about your situation and then wonder why you were getting a lot of criticism.

Why didn't you provide all this extra information if not at the beginning, then a lot earlier than you did? Were you actually enjoying all the drama?

How old is your older child?...sorry I haven't seen all of this.
If you have a decent income I'd just leave. You can't live with a man who doesn't love or accept your other child.

He sounds horrid, @Charlotte778
Your eldest son is entirely innocent , he lost his dad before birth, and this 'new' man is just seeking to protect his own assets, and won't see your son as someone who needs security?
That's not a nice man.

Is there any chance of you leaving and buying your own property?

Op's son is 10 and his dad died before he was born!
Poor lad.
It's tough being a stepchild.

Kindy, he's just not that into you and a cheap asshole!

@Niegenug and posters still replying to the wrong info, mad isn't it.

I know sometimes it's hard to articulate feelings and a first post might reflect that....sometimes a first post is how you figure out stuff in your own head...

But it really paints him as a bad guy, saying "I have zero financial security" yet it turns out they even have a joint investment property!

I doubt OP will return. i'd be quite interested to know what the thinking was here tbh.

@oakleaffy Apparently the oldest is now an adult, and not hurt as was previously stated. Also, marriage was planned during Covid I think. The facts have changed considerably along the way.

You aren’t being ungrateful.

It’s hard isn’t it. You wanted love and a meaningful relationship, which is totally normal and what most people want. Only the guy you set your sights on doesn’t appear to want to share all facets of life with you.

He isn’t interested in your other son and I imagine this will have hurt your son quite deeply.

This man knew that you and your son came as a package. He knew this. He didn’t honour it.

If you stay with him, you’ll be terribly financially vulnerable to leaving with nothing or very little if and when the relationship comes to an end in the future. The house is his and that leaves you where? Homeless i’d imagine, if he should end it.

In this case, i’m afraid I don’t think love is enough. If after 10years he hasn’t married you or offered to share his assets with you, I doubt he will change his mind now.

I wish you all the best.

So your issue isn't so much that he won't marry you. But that he asked and now changed his mind?

I understand being upset that you were proposed too and now he has called the engagement off.

Has he said why he feels so differently now? Why he was going to marry you 4 years ago? What changed?

I have to say, not sure why you are comparing yourself to elder relatives. They may have had long marriages, but I highly doubt they lived with and had a child with a man before getting married. You have made different choices.

Oh.

Didn’t see the additional information regards the jointly owned buy to let and cheer-leading eldest son of man who doesn’t see him as his own.

Can’t edit previous post though, but for clarity, please ignore it.

I was about to post the same thing. It's a terrible tale.

Oh my mistake! I should have read all the posts.

That puts a very different spin on things.
If eldest son is now an adult , hopefully he will have his own house by now.

Why the heck wasn't the full story put in OP's opening post?
Talk about a massive drip feed!

So the unacknowledged step son is now a full grown adult and is this selfish man's 'Biggest cheerleader''??

I'm a childminder who sees my mindees for about 20 hours a week.

I take care of them as if they were my own and you grow to love them. When we go out as a family with my kids as well, they're all treated as members of my family.

He must be one heartless POS to not treat your eldest in the same way as your youngest given that he's known your eldest for almost their whole life.

How can you not fall in love with them and really care about them when you're living with them for that length of time? It is staggering to me.

Yeah, that Biggest Cheerleader situation.

If the description is accurate, I don't think that's emotionally healthy.

It's a recognised fact abused children continue to adore/idolise their abusive parent. Perhaps even more so than non-abused children.

Sounds like Stockholm Syndrome at play here.

OP you deserve so much more!

I can see why you feel the way you do, he's effectively telling you that he doesn't trust you, or see you being together for the duration. I can understand him wanting to protect himself, after all I don't think many people think they are going to divorce and yet 50% do, but you have offered to do everything in your power to not only assure him you will not take 'his' house should the worse happen but offered to do this legally as well. He should want to look after you and make sure you still have a home if something happens to him.

Does he have a will? Has he left the house to you?

I

"He should want to look after you and make sure you still have a home if something happens to him."

The OP is not a child she does not need to be looked after like she is, it is each adults responsibilty to care for themselves. male or female