AIBU to ask that people stop asking kids if they’ve ’been away’ or ‘done anything exciting’ during the school holidays?

[Chubbymummyof2]

It’s the last day of our half-term holiday today and it’s been a week at home, partly because we’ve all had germs but also because everything costs SO much at the moment we haven’t got spare money to go on holiday or have exciting days out.
My daughter (12) had an eye test mid week and I know that the optician was only trying to make small talk but both me and my daughter felt pretty uncomfortable with the ‘have you been away’, ‘what exciting things have you done this week’ questions she just wouldn’t let it drop that we’d had a week at home. (It didn’t help that the optician had the worst listening skills ever and repeated every single question multiple times).
I wish that people could be a bit more mindful of that fact that not many people have much of a disposable income at the moment and that holidays/days out are a treat and they shouldn’t expect that just because kids are on half-term it means their parents have endless exciting (usually expensive) things planned.

Can we normalise holidays spent at home?

AIBU - am I being over sensitive, it was just small talk
YANBU - small talk doesn’t have to be about activities that require disposable income

Agree with both of you. And I love it how your kids get excited about going to Wickes @SkankingWombat , ours are the same about Aldi/ Tesco! Plus baking, cooking, books, having chips by the sea or just relaxing at home.

You are overthinking it.

My DC were delighted with a half term one may featuring:

• making cupcakes
• their cousins coming over for the day
• a swingball tournament against the neighbours kids
• ice lollies every single day

Minimal cost.

I think the issue here is not that the optician asked whether you’d been away but rather that he or she asked it multiple times. That would drive anyone crackers.

Growing up, we never went anywhere on holiday. I had one girl in my form at school would was SHOCKED that I didn’t go abroad in the summer holidays. It’s easy to get a bit fed up with people asking.

At one point my school had a ski trip. It was undersubscribed and several teachers asked if I wanted to go. They assumed that because I was “posh” (no local accent), I must be well off. One got quite shirty when I said it was £500 and I wasn’t even going to ask my mum because she’d feel bad.

Another teacher just couldn’t believe I didn’t have a computer and printer at home (I was at secondary school in the early 90s) and kept going on about how much more professional it would make my work look. It might have but I didn’t have one so would just have to use my handwriting.

Given your appointment was right in the middle of the week, it was probably unlikely you would have gone away.

surely your daughter has done something in the week - cinema/seeing friends/ baking/ watching a good series/ sleeping in etc. I think you need to start making what you do sound more exciting.

Even the one who had actually gone away to Japan forgot to tell me that and said he'd played a new computer game!

Reminds me of the time my DD had to write one of those “what I did on my half term holiday” type sheets when she was six or so. We’d had a short break to Italy. I’d taken them to the theatre in London. And, on the Sunday, we’d been to a National Trust place and gone for some dinner in a pub on the way home, where she briefly bumped into one of her classmates on the way in. What did her diary say? “I went to the pub and I saw Lucy and Mummy had wine.” Great…..

It doesn’t need to cost the earth though. Movie nights, pamper nights with face masks etc.
If you’ve got a dog, take them somewhere new.

We were never a family that did many days out, and we never went away in half terms. Only ever in term time because we couldn’t afford half term.

From my own childhood and from working with kids, you could get answers like

'Apart from being punched in the side of the head repeatedly because I looked at her a bit funny, not really'

'Dad got pissed, smashed the house up and then told us he was going to kill himself'

'I was looking after my little sister because Mum had to work. It was dark and the lights didn't work, so we were scared when there was somebody knocking'

'The boy that lives across the road got stabbed in the park'

'The lady next door gave us some sandwiches because we didn't have any food during the day'

'We went to the food bank and they said we couldn't have anything because the job centre didn't make a referral, they just gave the address'

'We drew some flowers on the path with chalk and the woman across the road said we'd be arrested'

'Nothing. Dad went to the shop and left us alone, then he went to sleep when he came back'.

'Mum got angry with us because nobody let the dog out when she was at work and Dad hit her'.

'I watched TV. Mum doesn't like me annoying her and after she picked up the metre stick and said if I got up one more time she'd wallop me with it, I stayed still'.

'We did the shopping and I helped carry things home'.

or, just the usual, not saying anything to let on just how awful the week has been, answer;

'Nothing'.

And then of course, the person asking then says 'Oh, you must have done something, mustn't you? All that playing, you're so lucky'.

Small talk can be intensely threatening for neglected, abused and vulnerable children.

For what it's worth I work in a school and we are not allowed to ask the children if they've done anything exciting or been away after a break because some will have done nothing and some will have been skiing.
Instead we say things like "its nice to see you back" and "it's good to have a break from school". I used to think it was a bit ott but after seeing how some kids brag and others just look down I get it now.

I have been to the optician lots of times for myself and with my daughter and never have they tried to make small talk! This person sounds like one of those stereotype hairdressers who goes on about what you're doing at the weekend...

Great small talk, making your customer feel sad and not picking up that you're annoying them.

Anyway. Hope you have a better Easter, OP.

But, having no money doesn't mean you've done nothing! We were on a tight budget this half term and I had to work three days out of five, but the kids have still had a friend round to play, been to the park, had a film night, played roblox with friends, played cards etc. None of these cost us anything extra.

I think the issue is in thinking that the sorts of normal things dc do to be occupied don't count.

No it isnt this. It is that some children will have suffered, not left their homes, not been outside, no gardens, barely eaten, been surrounded by screaming, or violence, ignored, and they will have struggled with the return to school.

and it is more and more every year.

and it isnt about the cost. There are parents who just dont care. They dont want to do anything with ir for their children. It is of no interest to them whether it is free or not.

i think yabu on this op- sorry! I think it just sounds like friendly chat - you didn’t have to feel bad that you’d been home due to sickness! That would have just moved the conversation in a different direction.

Weather is so bad in Northern Europe so unless you go proper long haul or ski not worth going away in England or norther Europe. We’ve never done much feb half term. Didn’t t occur to me to feel guilty! When they were younger would do a day out at a science museum or shopping or something and make a thing of it.

YABU.

There is nothing wrong with a question like this, and nothing wrong with saying, "We've just been home, not done anything really different." I, and I expect most people, have given that answer 1000 times.

It's important for kids to learn that it is ok not to have an exciting answer every time, and that the question doesn't somehow imply they ought to have done anything in particular. They can also learn, if they have some direction, that often if they think a bit they have done something interesting, even if they didn't go away. "We were all sick as dogs" is a good answer to the question.

Frankly it's no wonder so many young people are stressed and totally lacking in resilience, with adults "protecting" them from normal conversations because supposedly they are too damaging.

This thread has made me think. We were pretty poor growing up and only had one holiday. Also, it was the 60s, not a time when working class parents "did" things wth their children as they do now.
It was mortifying to have the same essay title every year: what I did on my holiday. Also bloody bone idle on the part of successive primary teachers.

The optician, though was just making small talk.

In which case, even better you asked so that these kinds of responses (as per the examples given by a PP above) can be reported and acted upon.

Ffs. Grow up it’s small talk. How on earth do you plan to ‘stop this’ - petition the government to ban it?!

I think you just need to learn to shrug it off, and teach your dd the same.

“We’ve had some much needed peace, quiet and downtime at home”

or whatever

I accept there are sadly dc who live in abusive or neglectful households. But I think it's probably a good thing if it comes to light?

it probably is in the light. But the bar for social services is very, very low.

Are you kidding? What actions do you think can be done for kids living in homes where the parents dont give a shit. What do you think social services do?

What about for the huge number who live in households that can’t do more. Those with disability, illness, or debt? Those with inadequate housing or those that don’t want to share their lives with people.

We've not been away or spent a lot of money this half term. My son was asked 'have you done anything exciting this half term' and he said yes and listed...

A Teddy bears picnic on the floor in the lounge (we always eat at the table, a floor picnic with junk food is a novelty)
Hopped on a bus into town, £2 a ticket each to see a film in the kids club, again £2 each
Went on a woods walk and collected nesting materials for birds and made nesting material holders
Wandered around an owl sanctuary and a horse sanctuary (both free but we gave donations)
Genuinely he wouldn't have had a better time if we'd been away.

The most expensive part was probably the junk food for the picnic!

Fun doesn't have to be expensive.

Edited to add: we put their bed tents up too which is always good fun. They have their special dens for a week.

Surely this has always been the case?
I'm 50 and remember having to do composition, s as they were known back then about what i had done in the holidays
There will always be children whose parents have more money and do more exciting things
And then those who have visited grandparents ,been to the park etc etc .

I think the children with parents like that are unlikely to be at the opticians, so they're probably safe asking there.

I believe that one reasons schools used to ask children things like this was to pick up on abuse. Now they wouldn't be questioning when the child says "not much" if all else is well, but it can be one piece in the jigsaw which can be very important when looking at safeguarding.

For what it's worth, we didn't do a lot in holidays but we always did a few things like a self catering cottage in UK or have a couple of day trips to things or maybe have the paddling pool out or buy something as a treat. Invariably when the question came they'd reply with such delights as "I broke my arm playing football" or "We found bats in the roof" or "next door rabbit died" or "not much; we didn't do anything" or "I lost my sticker on the bus".
Even now mine are adults, if you ask for memories you get "I remember when we couldn't find the car and we had to ask the traffic wardens for help" or "we were all sick in the car on the way back from that holiday" or "there were mice at that place". Not the things you would hope they remember.