AIBU to ask that people stop asking kids if they’ve ’been away’ or ‘done anything exciting’ during the school holidays?

[Chubbymummyof2]

It’s the last day of our half-term holiday today and it’s been a week at home, partly because we’ve all had germs but also because everything costs SO much at the moment we haven’t got spare money to go on holiday or have exciting days out.
My daughter (12) had an eye test mid week and I know that the optician was only trying to make small talk but both me and my daughter felt pretty uncomfortable with the ‘have you been away’, ‘what exciting things have you done this week’ questions she just wouldn’t let it drop that we’d had a week at home. (It didn’t help that the optician had the worst listening skills ever and repeated every single question multiple times).
I wish that people could be a bit more mindful of that fact that not many people have much of a disposable income at the moment and that holidays/days out are a treat and they shouldn’t expect that just because kids are on half-term it means their parents have endless exciting (usually expensive) things planned.

Can we normalise holidays spent at home?

AIBU - am I being over sensitive, it was just small talk
YANBU - small talk doesn’t have to be about activities that require disposable income

I also think that part of life is learning to accept that there will always be people who have more than you and less than you and that it doesn't necessarily define happiness or self-esteem. All children will at some point encounter people who are much wealthier than them. It's an important life skill to learn:

a) that comparison is the thief of joy and,
b) that you can't expect to be protected from the bare fact that some people are materially more advantaged than you. There's simply no way to avoid that.

Your kids, by virtue of the fact that they live in the UK alone, are considerably wealthier than a large amount of the world's population. Not necessarily a point to labour but its important be grateful for the things you do have and avoiding coming into contact with anyone richer than you isn't going to build resilience.

I volunteer with young people and often ask them if they have done anything exciting or fun during a school holiday. In that situation it's about getting to know the young people I work with and taking an interest in them.

Edited to add that I phrase it this way rather than asking what exciting things they have done as it's easier for them to say that they have done nothing. It also gives no expectations that they should be doing exciting things.

It’s small talk. It’s an open question as a conversation starter; if someone says “we went skiing”, it’s easy then to say “how lovely/where/was there a lot of snow?” (or whatever). If someone says “no, stayed at home” then I’d usually say “it’s so nice to have a bit of down time at this time of year” or something like that. There’s genuinely no judgement attached. It sounds like the optician was just trying to put your DD at ease. And it is good for kids to havr some down time (I say that as someone who errs the other way and arranges too much), so nothing to feel guilty about if that’s been the thing for one school holiday.

I am very cautious about this stuff. At most I will say ‘did you have a quiet week at home or do anything different?’

This would really annoy me:

It didn’t help that the optician had the worst listening skills ever and repeated every single question multiple times

Fuck 'small talk'. That's just irritating and really odd to inflict on a 12 year old.

Been anywhere nice?

Quiet week at home.

Read the top line, please. OK. Been anywhere nice?

Well, quiet week, really.

Read the second line. Been anywhere nice? Pieces of eight. Pieces of eight. Been anywhere nice? Read the bottom line. Been anywhere nice? Better or worse, better or worse? Been anywhere nice?

So often adults don’t chat to children, so I’d much prefer this to no small talk.

Not listening isn't 'small talk'.

You are being way over sensitive. We rarely do anything in half terms as I'm usually working. I save annual leave for summer hols and Christmas. My DDs are usually just glad of the break.

I always ask other people's DC if they had a nice half term. I don't ask if they did anything exciting but I usually ask if they enjoyed their break. It's just chat.

Like in the hairdressers when they ask you what you're up to at the weekend or whether you're going on holiday.

Same. We say something like "welcome back / it is good to see you / we have missed you" etc

I have no issue with the question.

But it’s more so the reaction if it’s negative.

It’s like asking someone how their day has been, and because it’s not exciting enough they switch off - or they wanted the short answer - or a particular answer.

I don’t think the question is an issue. It’s probably people’s reaction that your fed up of if the answer isn’t something like “I climbed the Alps”

I'd stop asking this.
Trust me it makes the ones who haven't been anywhere or done anything feel absolutely shit and it also impacts their parents who may later be dealing with an angry upset child who feels their parents aren't up to scratch.
The young people who have not done anything exciting or fun do not want to hear the tales of their peers travels to Florida or even a weekend camping in Bognor or a trip to the local cinema.
Many parents are working and can't have time off or are looking after elderly parents, simply have no money or are in ill- health themselves.

Also what child will feel comfortable and confident in saying they've done 'nothing'.
A real punch to their self-esteem.

I think we all need to stop being offended and over sensitive.about everything. Brush it off and move on.

Honestly, I think that if everyone avoided every single topic that might cause a bit of offense to some people, then there'd hardly be any conversation at all. We need to navigate normal social interaction like chatting to the optician.

I used to do this with Brownies after a school holiday but normalise staying at home by telling my exciting news first as ' it was rainy so we put on our wellies and went for a puddle walk and had a great time!' or similar.
The question is only difficult if you feel troubled about 'more family time' or 'cooking lessons' or 'building forts'. Normalising fun activities at home begins with being more aware of those fun activities, rather than comparing with outings and finding them wanting.
I bet you had some good times that holiday, even if there was an eye test in the middle.

Some half term holidays, the only thing we've done is go to grandmas or other family, gone for walks or bike rides and watched films.
My 11 yr olds highlight is if she gets to play with next doors cat.
If we didn't get to to do anything because we were ill then that's what we'd say.
It's not offensive.

But the OP said

It didn’t help that the optician had the worst listening skills ever and repeated every single question multiple times

That's hardly 'chatting'. It's actually quite awkward and rude of the optician.

OP does your DD hang out with friends in the holidays as this used to be my one of favourite things to do. A sleepover doesn’t cost anything.

Don't stress too much.... As far as younger kids (3-5-7) go, you can take them to Mexico and go petting alligators and they would tell their teacher they did "nothing". Why even bother. Same goes to teens I think - unless its Taylor swift/beyonce/whatever celebrity or game they're obsessed now with related, its all stupid and boring and not worth remembering. So do whatever you think is best.

Both of my kids would have loved these at 12! We used to write each other Harry Potter quizzes and make prizes, designed our own board game, make sushi together, non-alcoholic cocktail nights, go geocaching ...we didn't have much money but my kids would have had answers to questions the OP is complaining about. They're adults now and I don't think they feel they missed out.

But surely part of this is learning not to say "nothing". That's just a mindless and borderline rude response and if my DD said that in response to a question she'd get short shrift from me. However skint you are you won't have done "nothing". you might have watched TV, helped a parent with shopping, done a bit of housework, tidied your football cards collection. Whatever. It's all valid.

There's two learning moments in this: one is to get children to describe what they do and build some sort of narrative and ownership around it, rather than just saying "nothing". The other point is to build a bit of emotional resilience and learn that their worth is not defined by whether or not their parents can pay for a trip to the Maldives.

Everyone sometimes feels intimidated when someone else blatantly has more money than them but it's not helping children to insulate them from this.

I don't disagree that the question was insensitive but I also think it is our duty as parents to make sure our DCs have done SOMETHING in the holidays, a nature walk ? morning cinema used to cost a quid here and the leisure centre had free swimming for under 8s and another session which was just a pound. Lots of museums are free and have stuff on in the holidays, ? baking at home ?

I remember my kids at 12 still being very happy to hang out in a quiet playground

they’d also have been happy to go to the woods and climb trees or walk into town for takeaway chips in the park .. even in February or just go for a long walk geocaching or hunting pokemon ( if that’s still a thing )

12 is the last chance they get to still be kids if you give them the chance and don’t force being too grown up on them

Well said

She did see three of her friends yesterday. Part of the problem with seeing friends is we are semi-rural and the school has a really big catchment area so some are quite a long way away.
We are trying to encourage her to meet up with/invite friends over