AIBU to ask that people stop asking kids if they’ve ’been away’ or ‘done anything exciting’ during the school holidays?

[Chubbymummyof2]

It’s the last day of our half-term holiday today and it’s been a week at home, partly because we’ve all had germs but also because everything costs SO much at the moment we haven’t got spare money to go on holiday or have exciting days out.
My daughter (12) had an eye test mid week and I know that the optician was only trying to make small talk but both me and my daughter felt pretty uncomfortable with the ‘have you been away’, ‘what exciting things have you done this week’ questions she just wouldn’t let it drop that we’d had a week at home. (It didn’t help that the optician had the worst listening skills ever and repeated every single question multiple times).
I wish that people could be a bit more mindful of that fact that not many people have much of a disposable income at the moment and that holidays/days out are a treat and they shouldn’t expect that just because kids are on half-term it means their parents have endless exciting (usually expensive) things planned.

Can we normalise holidays spent at home?

AIBU - am I being over sensitive, it was just small talk
YANBU - small talk doesn’t have to be about activities that require disposable income

Exciting can mean different things to different families and many activities are free.

Exciting can be a big playground they haven't visited before, a night hike, flying a kite on the common, finding a footpath into a NT property, baking a cake, sleeping out in the garden in a tent, an Easter egg hunt with family, learning to ride a bike, all kinds of things.

Yeah but OP's AIBU is "Please can we stop asking kids if they've "done anything exciting during half term?" Not "Can you listen to the answer to a question and stop asking the same thing?"

The optician sounds annoying but was probably just making small talk to try to put the kid at ease. They obviously didn't give a shit about the answer. They would have been concentrating on the actual test. Yes, perhaps they were rude, yeah it's annoying but OP is still oversensitive about the question.

I have a job where I ask children this sort of thing a lot - it's important to start getting to know them, to give them a chance to talk about something (part of the reason I see them), to ease into other things that we're doing and so on.

I usually say anything nice or anything interesting, but I might occasionally use anything exciting.

Nobody has ever seemed to mind, and the answers range from 'sleeping in' or 'started a new book' or 'went for a walk' to going on away on holidays or anything. Even the one who had actually gone away to Japan forgot to tell me that and said he'd played a new computer game! So children's versions of what is exciting or interesting or nice might be very different from adult's versions, and nobody is really thinking about the answer anyway - it's a jumping off point into further conversation sometimes, and that's it.

YABU. I'm a languages teacher. It's practically compulsory for me to ask what my pupils did at the weekend / in the holidays! It's always perfectly normal to get a range of responses, many of them 'I watched tv', 'I chatted to my friend online', 'I ate a pizza'. Many of the things they tell me excitedly are totally ordinary stay-at-home things!

It's just small talk. Have to admit it grates on me and there's only so many "haven't been anywhere" or "just stayed at home" when what I'd like to say is "I'm poor as shit and managed to keep them fed and warm(ish)!"

I think if you and your daughter felt that uncomfortable being asked if you'd gone anywhere there is something more going on.

YABU, but it's just small talk - she clearly isn't interested in the answer.

I know what you mean though - every time my son goes to the dentist someone asks him does he have brothers and sisters. He says "no" and then they look shocked and sad, as if no child has ever said no before and they don't know what to say next. I know they are just lacking in chit chat but I do think "This again? What has this got to do with teeth?"

Rather than asking people to stop asking such questions, give your kids the cinfidence to say, 'no but we did some fantastic things at home and exploring our local area'
Don't make it about poverty; your kids should appreciate that money isn't always available, and that creating your own entertainment is just as valid

YANBU I felt the same this week OP.
I live rurally too so it can be hard to find activities to do beyond the lovely walks around here. Add in a lack of spare cash and it felt a bit of a boring week despite best efforts.

It seemed like everyone else was off on lovely holidays (obviously they weren't but it felt like that). I swear my kids got asked about their holiday about 5 times. It started to grate!!

I never ask in a group setting as I am very aware that not everyone has the same opportunities. I am generally the one who lets them into the building and they tend to arrive one by one. There are some I would never ask because they come from households with less money and/or chaotic backgrounds. A few of them are very quiet (and I know the parents so I know from Facebook that they are doing activities) and it's a way of getting them to talk as we walk through the corridor.

It's just small talk. We are very lucky that we can have days out or trips away in the school holidays but if someone like an optician etc asked I would still end up muttering "oh, not much really" because it's small talk, they don't really give a toss what you've done

I would never ask it as a teacher after a holiday because there’s always one kid who went skiing and another who is a young carer but kindly OP you’re overthinking it. Some of my best memories of doing exciting things were based at home on rainy days eg building a den with fairy lights, playing hide and seek (in our tiny house). It’s just small talk and I’d be fine with them not being the best at conversing and would rather their attention be on my/my DC’s eye test tbh. People can’t say much nowadays and there’s always something to take offence at.

We do bugger all most holidays. Not because we couldn’t go away but because I want my
children to be bored frankly. I want them to understand the fact that they can find something to please themselves. Be that’s arts and crafts, out on bikes or practicing their bows followed by some baking.

Sod this trips to the Caribbean every weekend or even a Scottish highland get away. Be bored. Find out who you are.

I wish that people could be a bit more mindful of that fact that not many people have much of a disposable income at the moment and that holidays/days out are a treat and they shouldn’t expect that just because kids are on half-term it means their parents have endless exciting (usually expensive) things planned.

Apart from the fact most museums, parks etc are free, what you describe there has been a thing since the dawn of time.

Or do you think families were never skint before 2024?

Thanks all. I’m happy to admit I have been oversensitive, suffering from mum guilt and am guilty of not considering the bigger picture of enabling my daughter to feel confident enough to say ‘no we’ve all been ill’ or ‘no we just enjoyed being at home’.

Happy to learn from it

It was mostly just inane small talk and she probably wasn't really listening to the answer or that bothered.

I teach in a secondary school and 40% of our pupils are entitled to pupil premium funding. 60% of our cohort are living in the most deprived areas of of our town, which is in the top 10% most deprived towns in the country. With this in mind, I am very careful when discussing holidays. So, I focus on just welcoming them back to school 'how are you', 'lovely to see everyone' etc.

I don't think there's anything wrong with staying home though. We were away this time in the Lake District so that was nice. Easter holidays will be at home- we will do things like baking, lego building, local walks etc. My son is 10 so a bit younger but he quite enjoys just pottering at home.

This is an adult problem, as children find the most mundane things exciting and they’ll often not cost a thing/much.

good on you for taking on board what people have said. My children are at independent schools and lots of their friends go away every half term and holiday. I don’t think that’s normal and have no shame in staying home for some of those. I also have a 12 year old. Highlight of his week was playing with friends and going to the movies with just me.

Lots of his friends went skiing. Very happy for them too!

I think the reason you feel uncomfortable is because you haven't made the choice to stay at home 🤔

Over sensitive it's definitely small talk abd nothing wrong with being at home- totally normal for a Feb half term. Role model for your daughter it's fine!

I think it’s just polite small talk but I see what you mean OP.

We’re skint, spare money gone on summer holiday, Mum’s big birthday weekend away and eldest daughter’s birthday.

I don’t have much money left over for lots of days out, weather has been shit so out usual parks or walks out were off the cards and mostly I’m off work with anxiety so it’s been hard to pull myself together and motivate myself.

I think if they’re going to be seeing the public and especially children that they could maybe consider this

You don't need to spend money to have fun. We have plenty of fun and spend very little on days out. You need to reframe your DC's perspective on what exciting means. Spending money isn't that exciting.

I'm a scout leader and at the beginning of term we ask one thing they did over the holidays. Quite a few of them say they played computer games. None of the other kids are at all bothered, and as a leader with my own kids who play games I don't judge those that do.

Although it occasionally makes me laugh when others mention they went away and a computer games kid says "oh yeah, we went to Italy/France" etc. Which I guess goes to show those hashtags making memories actually don't really mean much to kids!

It's like when I got back from school holidays, & had to write a composition (essay was in Grammar School) about "wot i done in my ollidays".
Teecher was not impressed wiv "nuffink".

Small talk, or helping to formulate ideas & express them.

I'm a bit on the fence with this one. I do think you're being a bit oversensitive but I do also understand the sheepish feeling of having to give a "boring" answer.

Mainly, I think once they get to secondary school age and older the most important thing is to teach them how to handle these questions because they're going to be asked them forever - at the hairdressers, at work, meeting people for the first time etc.

To be fair a lot of 12 year olds would just say "nothing". But as an adult saying "nothing" would seem rude or at the very least make it clear that you have no interest in chatting.

Knowing how to give a better and more socially acceptable answer is good for the times you don't want to come across as rude/disinterested but you simply haven't done anything "exciting".

Give her ideas of how to answer. It's a social skill. Have stock answers that are probably always true or you can adapt like:

"Did you do anything exciting in half term?"

"Just a quiet one at home but it was really nice. I've got into this new tv series called X and we binged the whole thing. What about you? Have you done anything exciting recently?"

Or

I spent some time sorting my room out. I found all these old toys and donated loads. I made some extra space so now I'm trying to convince Mum to let me put a fish tank in there "

Obviously it is adapted based on who is asking. How you respond to an optician who isn't listening is different to how you respond to Auntie Jennifer who is visiting from Canada and wants desperately to engage you in conversation.

A teenager who has the skills to (when they choose to) answer an adult fully and confidently is onto a winner. Being able to come across as confident and engage people when you want to is an exceptionally important skill. Most people learn it later. If you're able to learn to do it when you're 12 then you're going to be miles ahead of a lot of your monosyllabic peers.