To lose my temper at MIL

[SwordToFlamethrower]

A while ago, we decided to give MIL the benefit of the doubt. She helped us out with IVF and has been trying her best to be nice after years of being rude, offensive, and judgmental towards me.

We've welcomed her into our home and she enjoys her new granddaughter.

Last time she visited at Christmas, she voiced her "concerns" that I was still breastfeeding my DD who was 13 months old, saying that there is no nutritional value and that cow's milk is better. This went on for half an hour and instead of getting angry, we calmly explained how she was wrong and milk has health benefits for 2 years and more if both mother and baby are still happy to do it. This was while she was sat right next to me as I was nursing.

Other things happened during that 3 day visit too, but I held myself in check to be nice. But I was very glad when she left.

Fast foward to last night and MIL phoned to say hi. DH had the phone on loudspeaker as he was cooking and he whispered "shall I tell her?" And i whispered back, "ok what's the worst she can say?"

So DH told MIL that I'd just had a miscarriage.

Well, I did say what's the worst she could say, didn't I?

The first thing out of her mouth was "oh no! Well you know it probably happened because OP is STILL breastfeeding".

I lost it at that point and told her that her comments were rude, offensive and wrong.

She said she was just being "dispassionate" about it.

I said we never asked for her to be dispassionate, we told her because she is interested in our lives and thought she would be sympathetic. Not blame me for my own miscarriage because I'm still breastfeeding!

After another half an hour on the phone, she finally backed down and apologised.

I'm typing on my phone so I can't open a poll, sorry!

AIBU to grey rock her from now on

Or should I have known better and expected her to say something awful, therefore it isn't her fault?

Imo anyone who ever blames a grieving mother for a miscarriage (unless she did something intentional to cause said miscarriage...even then there are exceptions) is a heartless, evil person.

We've been no-contact with her in the past and we have also been low contact.

After she helped us with IVF, we were very thankful, and we used her suggestion for a name for dd middle name as thanks, and we fully let her back into our lives.

But it has started to become a bit of a disaster again.

I can go low contact, but doing so means she won't be seeing much of DD as I won't be happy for her to visit.

I think the best option is grey rocking, really.

She has always been like this sadly! Just my luck to meet a fantastic man and have a nightmare mother in law!

She is Dutch, which she says means she is blunt and honest. I think she is tactless, rude, and judgmental. Being honest isn't an excuse to hurt people. It's a choice to be hurtful.

@dancingtuna - are you my mother in law?

Maybe you could continue your excellent internet ‘research’ and look into what the word ‘kindly’ means and how it doesn’t apply to you @Dancingtuna

I think your husband has to have a word, and tell her she is never to comment on ANY of your parenting choices ever again, and is she can't keep to that, then she can't be a part of your lives.

I'm just going to assume that this poster is trying to rationalise being heartless and nasty to a grieving mother.

Christ, what a bitch!

She sounds like mine - absolutely right at all costs and will defend her 1970's methods to the end!

So frustrating and, in this case, cruel.

I wouldn't blame you for going NC with her in the slightest.

Sorry for your loss, OP.

What she said was likely incorrect (based on the debate raging on this thread) but certainly very insensitive. I’m glad she eventually apologized but I would limit how much you share with her (sensitivity and tact are clearly not her wrong points), when you share it (if it’s too soon/still raw wait until you’ve processed it yourself) and how you share it (some things are best said in-person or text for example). I’m sorry for your loss x

*strong points, not wrong points!

I would never tell her anything again. I'd be polite as needed, but I certainly wouldn't be making any effort with the relationship. What a cow.

Absolutely not unreasonable to lose your temper (she's an idiot and insensitive to boot). Regardless of whether she believed that to be true, the only correct response is of course "oh gosh I'm so sorry, how are you both doing?".

She sounds like a nightmare, I'd probably stop sharing intimate details of your life.

@SwordToFlamethrower
Its interesting how 🤔 people like your mother in law allways describe themselves as just being honest and straight to the point blunt,

But can never cope with
if someone is as brutal honest straight with them at all,

they often expect people around them whoever they are co workers friends especially their family to live on eggshells to be extremely senistive to their feelings and wants,
It's like a emotional minefield ...

She once called her own nipples "two extra clitorises". So she actually thinks that breastfeeding is sexually pleasurable.

Fuck me, you have one creepy mil.

And even if you thought that, would you ever ever say that to family members TMI x 1000.

She is Dutch, which she says means she is blunt and honest.

One of the school Mums at nursery is Dutch (they moved home unfortunately) and I found her to be incredibly polite, discrete and well adjusted... So I don't think vast blanket generalisations about entire populations really applies.

It's her personality.

Op, I'm afraid you're going to have to tell her nothing unnecessary, ever and do a lot of eye rolling to yourself if you want to have contact with her.

*We've been no-contact with her in the past and we have also been low contact.

After she helped us with IVF, we were very thankful, and we used her suggestion for a name for dd middle name as thanks, and we fully let her back into our lives.

But it has started to become a bit of a disaster again.*

People like this often buy their way in.

Is it worth the cost?

A hefty loan would actually be less stressful.

Wow. I'm so sorry for your loss. MIL clearly is one of those people who won't change. I'd be as LC as I could and definitely Grey rock.

She once said that any woman who bf past 12 months is a sick pervert who gets off on it, sexually.

She must project a lot, right .... Re her "extra clitoris" nipples.

Has it ever occurred to her that the whole world is not like her.

Even if someone did have very "sexual" nipples/bobs, the process of breast feeding is so obviously diametrically different to sexual stimulation..during sex. Who would actually put them together??

Very very weird, in fact sick. It's ironic that she's calling other people sick.

She's a very strange person.

@Dancingtuna reported. Absolutely gross posts across this thread

Hope you're ok OP, I would absolutely back off from your MIL

Gross? The truth is gross now - pathetic

And mentally unwell is obviously being very kind indeed.

What truth? You're misrepresenting the research in the area.