To lose my temper at MIL

[SwordToFlamethrower]

A while ago, we decided to give MIL the benefit of the doubt. She helped us out with IVF and has been trying her best to be nice after years of being rude, offensive, and judgmental towards me.

We've welcomed her into our home and she enjoys her new granddaughter.

Last time she visited at Christmas, she voiced her "concerns" that I was still breastfeeding my DD who was 13 months old, saying that there is no nutritional value and that cow's milk is better. This went on for half an hour and instead of getting angry, we calmly explained how she was wrong and milk has health benefits for 2 years and more if both mother and baby are still happy to do it. This was while she was sat right next to me as I was nursing.

Other things happened during that 3 day visit too, but I held myself in check to be nice. But I was very glad when she left.

Fast foward to last night and MIL phoned to say hi. DH had the phone on loudspeaker as he was cooking and he whispered "shall I tell her?" And i whispered back, "ok what's the worst she can say?"

So DH told MIL that I'd just had a miscarriage.

Well, I did say what's the worst she could say, didn't I?

The first thing out of her mouth was "oh no! Well you know it probably happened because OP is STILL breastfeeding".

I lost it at that point and told her that her comments were rude, offensive and wrong.

She said she was just being "dispassionate" about it.

I said we never asked for her to be dispassionate, we told her because she is interested in our lives and thought she would be sympathetic. Not blame me for my own miscarriage because I'm still breastfeeding!

After another half an hour on the phone, she finally backed down and apologised.

I'm typing on my phone so I can't open a poll, sorry!

AIBU to grey rock her from now on

Or should I have known better and expected her to say something awful, therefore it isn't her fault?

While those of us who are actually capable of reading and understanding very basic information in scientific articles would think you are ignorant.

Again, why do you think IVF clinics in the UK tell women they have to have stopped BF 2-3 months before attempting a transfer?

They deem there to be a substantial risk otherwise it wouldn’t be on their very short list of things to avoid

My toddler isn't exclusively breastfed and hasnt been for about 8 months. She nurses occasionally, on demand for snacks mainly and eats 3 meals a day, as recommended by the NHS and WHO.

Oh I’m sorry for your loss OP. I don’t know anything about the risks of breastfeeding on pregnancy but after reading the comments it sounds as though it may have been the advice given some time ago to MIL. She absolutely shouldn’t have said it but it sounds like it was a bit of a knee jerk response to your DH telling her. Also, this may not apply to your MIL, but I know some people of her generation who aren’t particularly understanding of miscarriages particularly if they are early on in the pregnancy. I have one relative who told me she’d had multiple miscarriages and she was just expected to get on with stuff if it happened and she doesn’t now understand the fuss around them. Sad because she clearly was never allowed to grieve her losses but she’s fallen out with a couple of family members because of her views.

I wouldn’t go NC with her. I’d accept she said something incredibly hurtful but she did apologise and if you have an otherwise good relationship with her I would put it behind me but keep your private medical details private.

Again
why are you determined to hurt someone suffering a loss? Keep your thoughts to yourself, you could have been so much nicer but you’ve just been rude and nasty.

Ahh, just seen the much weirder update about MIL. Probably be pulling back a bit.

Oh, that's wicked.

There is an increased risk when exclusively breastfeeding. They err on the side of caution by stating no breastfeeding as it is easier to have a blanket ban than determining on a case by case basis when the threshold of supplementary feeding is met. Plus it's easier for their clients to understand a blanket ban.

Again, why are you determined to ignore basic facts of biology?

If you've made a twat of yourself by posting a link that doesn't actually back up your claims, it's customary to slink off and consider a name-change. Doubling down just makes you look like you've a bit swivel-eyed and spittle-flecked.

What a horrible and completely ignorant thing to say.
I am very sorry for your loss. I can't give you any advice about your mother in law but she does sound both stupid and unkind.
And just to add my DD had two successful pregnancies while still breastfeeding.

Your last sentence is key and is what the whole thread is about!! It isn't about whether MIL is right/wrong in her thinking it's about what she said, how she reacted to the MC!!
So why are you posting things trying to justify what she said? It's irrelevant
OP I am so sorry for your loss. I agree what she has said is unforgiveable. I also agree with what another poster said when they said you need to keep her at arm's length. She won't change.

Op’s mil just had to say
’I'm sorry to hear this. It must be tough for you both.’

It’s not hard for mil to be sympathetic and keep her own ignorant views to herself.

Think @Dancingtuna needs to read this before posting anymore

Hope you're ok OP. Don't tell her anything of a sensitive nature again, she's obviously mega judgmental and nasty with it.

Yes, and the extensive research indicates that exclusive breastfeeding may be correlated with miscarriage. That is not even clear as there are meta analyses that show a correlation and others that show no correlation. However, in the case of doubt, it is better to err on the side of caution and advise women to wait until they are no longer EBF to attempt to conceive. There does not appear to be any research that I could find (I searched on Google scholar so only peer reviewed articles) that shows a correlation between mixed feeding and miscarriage.

BTW, your use of insults really doesn't help your argument.

There would have to be a lot of cross cultural research. Women in the western world have more miscarriages, environmental issues are also coming up high as causes. Miscarriage rates are often found to be higher in deprived areas, were bf rates are low. So the MILs use of the word "probably" was incorrect. Research doesn't bare out the reason to think it either. I've took an interest in the research when younger because I had miscarriages. I was also from first and second generation immigrants, were BF and babies yearly was the norm.

What does your DH think?

regardless of statistics etc she was downright hurtful and rude theres no need to say anyting except im so sorry for your loss

ignore certains posters tey just want attention

She sounds awful.

What does your OP make of her comments and attitudes towards women and breastfeeding?

I’d be cutting her out completely. No chance would I want someone that toxic around my child. Fucking hell can you imagine the shit your daughter could absorb from her.

Why are you giving this nasty witch the time of day? I can't get my head around people who have any kind of relationship with someone who treats them like utter shit - family or not. Ditch her from your life, you'll feel much better for it.

Why wouldn't you say it? You're happy repeatedly saying it to OP

With friends like you, who needs enemies. Have you got nothing better to do today than troll a post pertaining to miscarriage?

@SwordToFlamethrower

Mother in law not quite right in the head 😕

I 🤔 think she is losing her marbles grip on reality