To lose my temper at MIL

[SwordToFlamethrower]

A while ago, we decided to give MIL the benefit of the doubt. She helped us out with IVF and has been trying her best to be nice after years of being rude, offensive, and judgmental towards me.

We've welcomed her into our home and she enjoys her new granddaughter.

Last time she visited at Christmas, she voiced her "concerns" that I was still breastfeeding my DD who was 13 months old, saying that there is no nutritional value and that cow's milk is better. This went on for half an hour and instead of getting angry, we calmly explained how she was wrong and milk has health benefits for 2 years and more if both mother and baby are still happy to do it. This was while she was sat right next to me as I was nursing.

Other things happened during that 3 day visit too, but I held myself in check to be nice. But I was very glad when she left.

Fast foward to last night and MIL phoned to say hi. DH had the phone on loudspeaker as he was cooking and he whispered "shall I tell her?" And i whispered back, "ok what's the worst she can say?"

So DH told MIL that I'd just had a miscarriage.

Well, I did say what's the worst she could say, didn't I?

The first thing out of her mouth was "oh no! Well you know it probably happened because OP is STILL breastfeeding".

I lost it at that point and told her that her comments were rude, offensive and wrong.

She said she was just being "dispassionate" about it.

I said we never asked for her to be dispassionate, we told her because she is interested in our lives and thought she would be sympathetic. Not blame me for my own miscarriage because I'm still breastfeeding!

After another half an hour on the phone, she finally backed down and apologised.

I'm typing on my phone so I can't open a poll, sorry!

AIBU to grey rock her from now on

Or should I have known better and expected her to say something awful, therefore it isn't her fault?

@Dancingtuna what do you hope to gain from this? OP has had a miscarriage have some respect.

@Dancingtuna have some bloody respect, she didn't ask for a debate she's asking for support.

The Op asked a question, facts are her MIL is a dick for saying it but not a dick for thinking it since there is a lot of research into this issue.

It used to be customary for women to be told to stop BF if miscarriages were an issue in future pregnancies as there is some suggestion the hormones released when BF prevent successful implantation

An AIBU post says otherwise

Not according to the link you provided. The paper you linked to shows highest rate of miscarriage in those EBF, next highest is those not breastfeeding and lowest rate of miscarriage is those using complementary food sources in addition to breastfeeding. Given the age of op's child, she is presumably feeding the child more than breast milk

I am sorry to hear of your MC. ❤️‍🩹 I would just go NC with MIL and she can speak with your DH if he is willing to take her calls.

She was so wrong !!! So wrong it’s unreal. It doesn’t even matter what facts are there or not.. highly inappropriate not to sympathise with you and ask you if you need anything

This is nothing, she has said far worse to me!

used to be

the question isn’t asking if mil is right (she’s not) but how to respond after that comment. You are now using outdated information to kick op when she’s down. Have you had a miscarriage before, how would you feel being told it was your fault?

op please, please ignore the troll, some people are just awful. It is NOT your fault AT ALL. Please look after yourself.

How many women are actively trying to conceive whilst exclusively breastfeeding a baby in the first six months of the baby’s life? That must be an exclusive club!

in any event regardless of the veracity of your MIL’s assertions @SwordToFlamethrower for her to even say this is in the context of your news is just incomprehensible. I don’t know her but best case scenario is she just has a bad case of thinking out loud but worst case it that she is just an appalling person with no emotional intelligence or compassion. Either way you don’t need her permission to establish much firmer boundaries or indeed drastically scale back the level of contact with her.

sorry for you loss too.

Again, you are more than welcome to do your own research. It’s a controversial topic and many studies show an increased risk in MC when BF, it’s suspected to be down to oxytocin release when BF which has long been seen to reduce success in early pregnancy.

MIL is still an idiot for saying it, but isn’t an idiot for thinking it

Again, can I suggest you read the article you linked to. Doubling down on your incorrect interpretation of the article is just making you look ignorant.

Guidance only changed due to wanting to still promote BF rates, not because the risk was seen to not be there.

Facts are when breast feeding you release a lot of Oxytocin. Also facts are Oxytocin surges have been proven to have a negative impact on implantation and success in early pregnancy.

That’s one article. There are many others honey.

You provided a link that you claimed supported your claim that the mil was correct. The link you provided did not support the mil's viewpoint. In fact, it showed that the approach the op is taking (bf plus other sources of food) had a lower rate of miscarriage than those who are not breastfeeding.

Do you have links to any research that supports your claim or are you going to carry on misrepresenting the research that exists?

@Dancingtuna regardless of your views what do you hope to gain by going on like this? OP will obviously be emotional already and you’ve taken it upon yourself to try and hurt her more, why?

@Dancingtuna you are embarrassing yourself now.

You linked to a study which doesn't back the claims you are making. In fact it explicitly contradicts them. Now you're saying "there are more studies" and calling people "honey" and have the audacity to still be talking about "facts".

I would be finding your ridiculousness hilarious if you weren't doing this on a thread started by a woman experiencing something distressing.

The OP asked if she was being unreasonable, did she not?

It's the article you linked to and claimed that it supported your position. It doesn't. It actually contradicts your position. Doubling down makes you look ignorant or a deliberate shit stirrer. I'm betting on ignorant

If your MIL had read the information that does indicate a higher risk when EBF, she may well have been misguided in her claim. She was crass and reactionary in her comment, but not totally incorrect.
Did she know you were pregnant considering your DC was conceived via IVF which she helped fund? Being told about the miscarriage over the phone may well have blindsided her hence her response. That doesn’t make what she said any less hurtful of course. She is misinformed about certain things, but then so are many women who have had children 30+ years ago, as they (myself included) would have been told different things when they were pregnant. One example is, the midwives in hospital 40 years ago when DD1 was born all laid the babies on their sides to sleep. That was considered good practice. We now know differently. No doubt in another 40 years things will be different again.
So what you have to ask yourself is, do you accept that people can get things wrong and move on, or do you choose not to and cut them out of your lives.

do you understand the impact of Oxytocin in early pregnancy?

And mil was.
End of story.
Youre purposely trying to hurt someone suffering a loss. Shame on you.

Did you know IVF clinics still will tell women to stop BF before going through any additional transfers?

Do you think they’re ignorant to the facts here?

It was an extremely callous thing to say. Losing it was totally understandable. I'm sorry for your loss OP

This is from the link you’ve just posted

”Results:The results revealed that breastfeeding during pregnancy appeared to be unrelated to pregnancy outcome and miscarriage risk, notwithstanding the need for caution in women at risk of preterm birth and high-risk pregnancies.”